My Kafkaesque/Orwellian diagnosis nightmare

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Thanks again for your contribution.

B19, funny you should mention that. 'Lack of eye contact' happens to be the only AS symptom that I don't have (that I'm aware of). I remember my mum telling me as a young child repeatedly that 'you must look people in the eyes' so I don't know whether that implies that I did not have natural eye contact but like a good girl trained myself to do what my mum (who was of course to me God at the time) instructed me to do.

My young son has terrible eye contact with strangers. With us it is much better, and people he knows. Me and husband are noticing AS symptoms in him in general too. Is your lack of eye contact something that only happens with strangers or do you have it with everybody?

To be precise, I *really* look people in the eyes when they're talking. Like, almost staring. It is a possibility that this is due to it not coming naturally but being indoctrinated at a young age to *always* do I have noticed that when it's me doing the talking, I find it extremely hard to look people in the eyes - I tend to stare diagonically above or something like that - I always assumed this is normal but now I'm questioning whether this is an AS symptom.

It's also possible that I am not on the spectrum, although I did my 4th test online today and again scored top marks in aspergers /HFA (like in the three others). To be honest I would totally freak out if I didn't have AS, as I would not understand why I have all the symptoms (except the lack of eye contact) yet not somehow allowed to have it. This diagnosis fiasco has really made me feel threatened, and as I've only very recently discovered *who I truly am* then it just feels like I am being persecuted for something else entirely (bipolar) and coerced into having extremely strong meds which would presumably ruin my artistic and intellectual sensitivities for life, taking away the very best things about me that have kept me going all the years when I had chronic major depression...

So, like I said to husband today, finding out about AS over the past few months has been a light at the end of a tunnel that has been a long and miserable life full of self doubt... Perhaps I put it a bit too harshly. The antidepressants really have been working wonderfully. (Interesting that shrink number two had put a stop to my SSRIs so my GP cannot prescribe them anymore. That said, when husband called them on thursday when we had read my notes from the shrinks that the GP gave us, they seemed very co-operative and said they would lift the SSRI block anytime I called them -- I wonder if this sudden co-operation was due to husband talking to the two managers about considering a lawsuit for the unduly harassment they have caused me and our family...Does the good old lawsuit threat *really* still work that well? Husband is serious, too, and looking into it as we speak, lovely man that he is*)

Sorry for blabbering on I tend to write stream of consciousness and not edit (unless when writing for work). I love writing and hate editing. This just written here because one post accused me of being manic, using my writing style as the discriminating factor!

Deleted my last post, 'cos I couldn't edit it and I was a bit snappy/rude due to feeling physically rubbish.

Yep, stomach is playing up again... :-/

I just want to say there's no law that says you cannot refuse medication or treatment. You can be prescribed medication: you are under no legal obligation to take it. I've been prescribed various stuff over the years, which I've either not taken or only taken for a very short while. Personally I have a long history of bad reactions to meds and there are certain classes of meds I'm not willing to go on: antipsychotics being one of them.

Maybe I've just been lucky, but I've never had a doctor harass me about it. Most don't really seem to give a toss in all honesty. That said, six months ago I agreed to give an SSRI, citalopram, another try. I've taken it consistently and am none too impressed with it. I thought for a while it was helping the anxiety if not the depression, but now I'm having doubts about that. I've been feeling like a zombie a lot lately, and I'm wondering if the citalopram has anything to do with it.

As far as the autism is concerned, I think you need a proper assessment at an adult autism clinic with a competent psychiatrist. Online tests are not that reliable, tbh.

If you decide to discontinue this SSRI, please do it step by medium step. I've read that this is important.

As a fall-back position, you can do halfies on your own if that's your choice. And just tell the doctor's office after the fact, perhaps something like: I've gone to half a dose because it was not working out, and I'd like to get an appointment as early as I reasonably can. And the doctor might fuss about it, but he or she will just have to accept it because it is your choice and your life.

m8, why do things the sensible way when you can do them the stupid way instead? I basically went straight from 40mg to 0mg.

I've been off the citalopram for about a week now and I'm surprised by how less of a zombie I feel overall. I'll go back on 40mg at some point to see if I start feeling more zombie-ish again. I'm due to see my psych in mid-January: unless something drastic happens in the meantime, I'm going to tell him I want to come off the citalopram - not that he can stop me, but I'd rather attempt to be co-operative.

Okay, maybe taking a chance, but I'm glad it worked out!

In the book Hello to All That: A Memoir of Zoloft, War, and Peace , prosac didn't work for the author but zoloft did, even those both are SSRIs. The lesson I take from this is that everyone's biochem is a little bit different.