So I posted in the infamous AS partners forum for NT's...

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My husband's psychiatrist said if I expect any form of a normal wife/husband relationship, I should leave. My husband can not read social clues, has horrible TOM (see the car stuck in snow situation), and I will be just horribly miserable.

My husband's anxiety (which is half his battle), low self esteem, and inability to read just about any situation, is not going to change without a ton of motivation. The nil executive functioning adds a whole other level of difficulty.

My husband isn't a sociopath, it's the equivalent of being blind or deaf. There are some things that he will never be able to do because he has AUTISM. It's up to me to decide how much the lack of this or that is a deal breaker. And for him, would he be better off just being alone? Marriage isn't for every NT, and I wouldn't blame him for wanting out.

I get tired of defending him to others. Most think he's a pathetic man child, who I enable. Then I get, "Oh, you just like the situation because you like to a drama and sad in your life". Or the "what the hell happened to you that you think he is any where near being worthwhile to have as a spouse. Where you abused as a child?"

It's hard on the NT spouses who want to stay...

I know, right? I have had to train my mind to understand that NTs use words sometimes to get people to do something instead of it being informational. For instance if an NT asks "Where is the remote control?" If I don't know where it is, my first and natural response is to say that I don't know. What they want is for you to volunteer to look for it.

My wife explained this to me in detail. In their mind, it shows that you care about them and when it comes to husbands and wives the act of volunteering to do it shows you care and love them. For me, it takes a lot of effort to remember to do that.

Have you ever seen an episode of sliders and the beginning of the series in which Quinn Malaory goes into a world in which a red light means go and a green light means stop?

If you want to try to overcome this, remember "Red means Go, Green means Stop" figuratively of course.

It's no excuse for ignorance. If we started an exclusively autistic forum and generalised all NT's and essentially used them as a scapegoat for our frustration with the select NT individuals we interact with, in real life- I am pretty sure NT's would be less than delighted to see that..

They can air out all of their repressed grievances and vent to their hearts content. I understand everyone needs some form of release.. Or else it will build up and it eventually manifest into something much worse in the long run. However, when individuals are being willfully ignorant and spreading misconceptions.. That's where the line should be drawn.

Have you ever considered the people around you are a bunch of schmucks. So, why don't they assist him? Why don't they help him out and provide guidance to him? Why? Why do you need their approval?

http://biblehub.com/john/8-7.htm


How have the people around you been good neighbors to you or him?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?s ... 2010:25-37

Assuming the majority of them are Bible Believing Christians. A number of people on ASPartners claim they are. How is that so?

I guess, if I want to successfully integrate into society and assimilate amongst NT's. I will have to learn to read the sub text of their wording. Thank you for the advise! It has definitely been a learning point for me.

Our kid was home sick from.school yesterday. Kiddo is 10 and a NT. Kiddo heard me saying the car was stuck.

Kiddo yelled down the stairs, "Momma, do you need help pushing the car out? I wish I could help."

Sigh....

It's not that I needed my husband getting the car out of the snow. He could have said, *I wish I could help you, man that sucks, or do you need any help?, do you need a wrecker?* Infact any response would have been welcomed. That will never happen. The psychologist told us his anxiety immobilizes him, the executive functioning skills and the TOM are poor.

The sad thing is, I understand why he does it. When it occurs around others, they write him off as a douche bag, and he has no why everyone is hacked off.

Oh, of course I realize it is difficult. I am probably at a higher functioning level than most formally diagnosed people with an ASD - I've managed to hold down a job most of my life - I have learned to make eye contact and read some cues and even engage in informal chit-chat. But I realize that those who have had to live with me find it a bit challenging and logic tells me that it cannot always be all their fault all the time. . But my experience is one of having overwhelming feelings and if anything sometimes unfiltered empathy. I am saddened when I hear the description of people with ASD as people incapable of feelings or empathy. Difficulty processing feelings and empathy - no argument there. Frankly, my psychiatrist just started me on a new cocktail of anti-anxiety medications and that alone helps a lot. I don't have anyone where I live now to help me take care of my things. I would say that most people even with very high function autism do need a little bit of help. We just get overwhelmed too easily. But, I agree that having a relationship with someone with autism is going to be difficult in most cases. Unfortunately that wretched site just sounds downright hateful to me.

Since you know about his issues, why didn't you just ask him (or even tell him) to help you?
I'm not trying to be argumentative, just wondering. It seems like it would have been an easy fix.

Look at what Tawaki said. From other people's point of view it came across as though he ignored her. Based upon my understanding reading of what people say no response is sometimes the worst response one can give. By giving no response, it treats the other person as if they're nothing, a non-entity.

Look at what Tawaki said. Based upon what she said, it wasn't about fixing the problem. It was about acknowledgement and the emotions that come with acknowledgement.

Tawaki, what I don't grasp is why was your emotional needs brought into this in the first place? Why not just concentrate on fixing the problem?

I'm a Buddhist and my husband is an atheist, and have no clue what the neighbors are, and really who the hell cares.

A PP pointed out the situations about wives and husbands. In the NT world asking, "Do you need help?", usually shows you care about the other person.

My neighbors have bent over backwards to help me out, when my husband has meltdowned and could not help out. Like when we moved. We had to get out in two days and he just shut down and sat In his home office. I had the equivalent of a three bedroom house to move by myself. The maintenance guys helped, neighhors helped, family members I barely talked to helped me out. Meanwhile he sat in a chair staring into space. (this was before his diagnosis)

Because people have helped us out so many times, they feel the right to comment. My husband has never came to an ER visit with me or my kid. Never helped out when my car died. Never does battles with maintenance when something needs to be fixed. These are situations that a spouse should be concerned, and be present. He isn't. These adult situations make him fold like a 6 year old kid, who runs into his bedroom. The situations require a lot of on the feet thinking, dealing with humans in unpleasant situations. He can't handle it, and I know it. I don't say boo because that will trigger a huge ass meltdown.

The people who help me are not schmucks, don't you think it is odd, three unrelated men helped out a man's wife, pushing her car out of the snow, while he sat in the living room 20 ft way watching Dr. Who? Who never once said thank you to the helpers or offered them money. And they all knew he was home. They don't know he is Autistic, because it is none of their business. Even if they knew, it wouldn't change their opinions of him when "he doesn't man up for his family".

A 19 year old kid might get a talking to about needed to be present , at 56, most people figure you know the score and don't care. (not true)

He really can't figure out why? What if you spelled it out for him. Like just told him "this is where you help with the shovelling, Honey." Would he respond to that?

Wow, I have never really considered the ramifications of giving no response. I have always asassumed that silence was better than messing up and making an absolute fool out of myself. I have come to realise that I must take another person's feelings into account more often, and take the initiative to give a proper response.

I thought it was about getting the car unstuck.
See, my assumption (putting myself in the husband's shoes) would have been that she was telling me the car was stuck as a way of explaining why she'd come back into the house after leaving. I wouldn't know she needed help unless she said so. I'd basically think she was just making conversation and letting me know about the situation.

I would have thought the same.

Why do NT need to hint at things ? Why not clearly say what you need/want, so that communication is 100% clear at all time ?

So, should he be punished for his disability? I have the right to comment myself.

The attitude of "It's none of their business" keeps mental illnesses, disabilities, etc as stigmas. Maybe it is time to make it everyone's business. It is not worked to hide who we are and to pretend to be something we're not.

Last edited by cubedemon6073 on 05 Feb 2015, 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.