Accepting what you missed in life

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Because you wouldn't have had a singleminded focus. You would have rested on the laurels you've already earned up to the time of your relationships. The path you took, after your substance abuse battles, was probably the most ideal one for you.

I never really wanted most of those normal things. I think I was so aware I wasn't normal & picked on so much from a very early age that I just wanted to be left alone & do my own things.

I am curious as well -- not that this (“getting laid” with random women) is something I care about these days.

From my youth, the scenario I remember best is something like this. Rocket (as a youngster) sees a pretty girl. Rocket looks at pretty girl. Pretty girl looks back at Rocket and perhaps smiles. Rocket, not knowing what to do next (in terms of what to say or do), simply turns away and moves on.

^^^
in my youth, the person would say to me, "F--- off, creep!"

Wow. That's harsh.

For me, I never got close enough (from a proximity perspective) for either of us to actually say anything to one another (or hear the other one speak). Again, because I would never know what to say.

I never knew what to say, either.

Pretty much describes my childhood and my early adolescence. By the time I got to high school I actually had quite a few friends who were female. I could never get it to go beyond that, though, probably because I didn't know how. I had no older brothers or cousins who lived nearby to show me, my father probably didn't really want to get married and would have been fine staying single his entire life, and I wasnt able to read people well enough to watch others and figure out how they did it.

I will say that I think that I ended up with the perfect job for me. I can't see myself fitting as well as I do in any other type of job, although I have had some of those temporarily while in school. I didn't last very long at most of them either, though.

It is interesting that I saw others who could drink, get into relationships, and make it through school and graduate school. I guess they were somehow different than me in that they were able to do all of those things at once. I probably did smoke more pot than most of them were, and when I did drink, which wasn't all of the time (but was most nights of the week) I would get really intoxicated and it was very visible in me.

I hadn't really thought that I would become complacent if I got what I wanted, and wouldn't have continued on with achievements. However, the bigger danger probably would have been that I wouldn't have gotten sober if like was working for me.

ProfessorJohn, thank you for sharing the painful reality that stemmed from early abandonment by your mother. This is a very big issue, and as you note, is reverberating still through your life as an unhealed wound. You are far from alone in this; I had seen and spoken at conferences on early abandonment issues many times in the past and the pain is so sharp, deep and ongoing.

Could I suggest that you seek out a copy of this book, if you have not already come across it:

"The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier.

It has helped a lot of people finally feel that someone understands the unique kind of abandonment pain that they have carried all their lives. Don't be alone with this, it is too big. There are some very good online support groups and maybe the book is the place to start healing. This is a huge wound and it will take some time. However that you have mentioned it suggests to me that you are ready to begin that next part of the journey, and I hope that your pain will lessen as you fully explore the impact of this on your life at all levels. I will be thinking of you; it takes courage to acknowledge the pain of these things and to heal them, I believe you have the courage to do both, and wish you a more serene life once the process has moved forward. Usually it is a complicated healing process, you move forward, seem to go in circles, move forward again, then seem to lose ground, move forward again .. this is where the support group can help, through the "stuck" times.

Your sharing touched my heart.

Well I think about the past and things I missed out on, that I wish I could have maybe experienced..but on the other hand there was a lot I wouldn't have been interested in regardless. As for college well not sure what a normal college experience is I know the experience I had I certainly got to experience plenty of college life...lectures, cafeteria food you wish was better but admit is way better than what they served in grade school, cramming for 5 tests you have coming up all in one night, getting confused trying to find the right buildings and rooms your classes are in, excessive drinking, drugs, partying, sex, 'friends' who aren't your friends anymore once you cannot afford this lavish lifestyle anymore ...and really I only went to college because I figured my fairly good academic grades would get me somewhere and the social stuff would all fall into place. There are experiences I am glad I had, experiences I'd have rather not had but when I really look at it I have experienced a lot....and while I am not working now and on disability since finally coming to terms with all the underlying issues I was trying to run away to college from and that if I continued how I was i wouldn't last long...things are better in a lot of ways. But a lot of 'normal' experiences aren't all they're glamorized to be....and sometimes things don't work out at all how you planned and I've finally realized sometimes you just gotta find a different path or way in life, trying the same thing over and over again sometimes isn't worth it..for me college was one of those things.

No secret. Even when I was a lot more Aspie and out of shape I could get laid most times I wanted to. I'm now a Lot Less aspie via diet, cleanses, supplements & probiotics (pm me if you want to discuss my natural treatment protocol that's reduced my symptoms by more than 95% and has enabled me to live the second, happier, healthier, wealthier life I am today.) and in better shape (6'2 200lbs 13.5%bf) so it's even easier if I want to get laid. Allllso, I have a MASSIVE advantage being gay. It's infinitely easier to hookup for no strings attached sex with another gay guy vs. persuading a girl.. however, I have been with girls in the past AND I am confident that if my objective were to hookup with girls that I could do so with relative ease compared to many guys. People like & trust me. Those traits will serve me well in future business/sales roles.

Judge for yourself whether you think I'm "extremely physically attractive" - I posted a face pic in this thread: viewtopic.php?f=6&t=279566&hilit=pic+of+yourself&start=195

Also, I play to my strengths. I communicate via emails, texts, messages on dating/hookup sites/apps. It's kind of sad, but I've never hit on a guy in public. Ever. I don't go to gay bars. etc. That may change in the future as I live an ever more "comfortably out" life, but yeah, us aspies are known for our ability to communicate a lot better via text than in person and I definitely use that to my advantage when arranging a date or hookup. I could do the same thing if I pursued a girl online vs. a guy, too. Although, I didn't really flirt with them much, but I did end up hooking up with a few girls in the past after in person meeting/flirting amongst groups of friends.

I have a LOT of friends/acquaintances from school, business school, many jobs over the years.. but only a core handful of close friends I spend any amount of time with vs. keeping in touch with via facebook or seeing a few times a year at gatherings etc. I'm far too busy with work and life and sports and seeing the people I love and care about (friends, family) to be bothered to hang out with everyone all the time. But it's nice to keep in touch with friends I like via fb, text messages, email etc and then see them once in a blue moon for a hangout. Even ones I haven't seen in person for a few years - once in a while we'll make the time to meet up. I had friends as a kid, but always had my twin brother, older brother, younger sister and cousins to play with so never really Needed too many school friends.. but I did have them. I also had more trouble with being a good friend as a kid lol but, now, especially the last couple years or so of learning and treating my symptoms I am a MUCH more social and better liked person. I work in the bar/restaurant industry at the moment (but also construction, sales, and various other things when opportunities arise) and work with ~70+ people who are all pretty cool. We all get along pretty well. I'm on good terms with the owners, too - and it feels pretty good to have a good rapport with a bunch of middle aged businessmen worth $$$$$ (not that money is everything) as it's nice to know I can "connect" with that particular class of people, too. My head manager recently called me a "Master of Conversation" as I have the innate ability to get anyone talking to me.

As for sex, well, besides the ease with which it is to convince a male to have sex lol I think a lot of it simply has to do with my own thoughts and beliefs about it. I believe it's almost as easy as breathing, so, it is. It's like Henry Ford said.. "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right." I'm not going to publicly post the number of people I've hooked up with in one capacity or another.. but I assure you that the quantity justifies my statements & expertise about it.

I went through my times of extreme depression, anxiety, and a whole lot of necessary solitude.. but all of that has changed for the better to the nth degree via what I've done with diet, cleanses, supplements & probiotics. If you haven't seen The Nature of Things documentary episode called the Autism Enigma, watch it.. I've learned and done a Lot more than they did - but basically, kids fed a healthy proper diet & tons of probiotics improve their AS symptoms. I've taken that to the nth degree with what I shared here on WP in January of 2014. I still have the text file with that info if you're interested in reading it. Minimizing my AS symptoms has made all of these interactions intuitive and easy vs. intellectually processed and challenging.

Disagree.

Maybe, maybe not.

Think about it.. there are many celebrities who have stated they've had thousands of sexual partners, yet they've still managed to be very high achievers in their chosen fields as athletes or entertainers etc. Financial or intellectual pursuits don't require celibacy. Some people hookup with a lot of people, others don't. It's a personal choice thing entirely & does not mean one won't achieve other things in life just because they have a lot of sexual partners.

sure the life will be nicer if we didn't miss so much ! but it is what life is . it is normal to feel depress when you thing out the things you care but missed . we can't change anything has happened but we will meet more in the future . all of experiences are precious . just cherish them .

It's possible you are right--but this is what I sensed about Professor John as an individual, based on what he stated earlier, and based upon other people I've known, and also what I know about myself.

Namely: that contentment might have bred complacency, and thereby prevented John from attaining his doctorate and his status as full professor.

I have known this to happen to others. I have discerned a single-minded focus in many, which precluded them from having superficial "fun."

Though, obviously, not knowing Professor John in person, I could be mistaken.

My point being: why regret something which could have led, paradoxically, to worse regrets?

I don't think the single minded focus I had precluded the relationships, or if it is, it as at an unconscious level, because I never remember being aware that I was going to avoid them to do better in school. I think what precluded them for me was lack of social skills, lack of self esteem, lack of knowledge as to how to get one started.

QFT