Compassion for mother who chained up autistic son? What?!?

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22 Nov 2015, 7:04 pm

back when my husband work in downtown, he used to be harassed by a mentally ill woman. She thought he was someone else so she would chase him and assault him. The police couldn't do anything about it because it was his word against hers and there were no witnesses. My husband couldn't fend for himself or he would go to jail for it because he lives with the belief you never hit a woman so he ran from her instead. One day he runs into a 7 Eleven and assaults him there and the man tells my husband to leave through the back and he calls the police on the woman. That was the last time he ever saw her and it was caught on camera. My husband ran in there on purpose and let her assault him so she could get the help she needed. The system is broken and the law keeps us from locking up the mentally ill who are violent and a threat so my husband had to play the system by getting it on camera so she could get the help she needed.

But my husband took this all well and was pretty forgiving because she was mentally ill and didn't know what she was doing so he didn't see it as abuse or harassment but to me it's all black and white. But if that were me, I would have gone to jail for self defense because if anyone ever lays a hand on me gets a knuckle sandwich.

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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.

skibum
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22 Nov 2015, 7:07 pm

Thank you League Girl. Yeah, in situations like that you just have to do the best you can to do what is best for you. I had to learn that you can't change other people. Sometimes you have to do the work to overcome something and then just pick and choose the people you are around and how you relate to people once you are old enough to do that. But thank you for your feelings towards that. I really appreciate that very very much. It makes me feel supported and cared about. Thank you.

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22 Nov 2015, 7:09 pm

League_Girl wrote:

Wow, that was really a smart move your husband did. He sounds like a really compassionate person to be able to do that in hopes that the lady could get the help she needed. He sounds like a really great guy.

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HisMom
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22 Nov 2015, 7:10 pm

Wild chimp cares for infant with severe disability.

"The mother of a severely disabled infant probably experiences more stress than other mothers because she must provide intensive care for longer," the authors write.

Occasionally, XT11's 11-year-old sister helped out: she played with her, groomed and carried her.

"There were some cases where the mother spontaneously gave the infant to the elder daughter. This is quite unusual for a mother to do," says Michio Nakamura, co-author of the study from Kyoto University, Japan.

"While the elder sister was taking care of the disabled infant, the mother climbed on a tree to feed on fruits," he told BBC Earth.

But when her sister had her own child, this extra care stopped.

XT11's relatives were not allowed to groom or carry her, which is unusual. The mother may have understood that it would not be safe for others to carry her child, as they did not fully understand her needs.

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22 Nov 2015, 9:02 pm

HisMom wrote:

Fnord wrote:

skibum wrote:

UncannyDanny wrote:

I have to admit...that the mother was a total wicked witch for doing that to her son. And the people who praised her for it are a bunch of knuckleheaded scumbags.

I did not get the impression that anyone was praising her for tying up her child.

Maybe, but some may seem to come to her defense.

Back in the day, my dad could slap me around in public for whatever reason he saw fit, and no one would try to stop him. Most of the time, I had no idea why he was beating me. The rest of the time, it was because he believed it would discourage me from doing something that some other kid my age had done. The day he found out that the kid down the block had been arrested, for example, he got out his belt and let me know in no uncertain terms that he believed me just as guilty as if I had committed the act myself.

Parental insanity or not, child abuse is still child abuse.

Child Abuse Has No Excuse!

?????????? WTH. He beat you because he thought you were guilty? Were you picked up by the police for questioning? Was there ever any suspicion of your involvement in whatever that kid was arrested for? ...

No, he beat me because he thought that I could be guilty if I ever put my mind to it; and he was going to make sure that I never put my mind to it.

Yes, I was often "rounded up with the usual suspects" because of my "nervous and jerky" ASD-induced clumsiness and behavior. Their reasoning seemed to be that anyone who acted as weirdly as I did must be involved in something illegal.

There was always someone suspecting me of something. Again, only because of the way I moved, avoided eye contact, and tried to not draw attention to myself - all Aspie traits.

HisMom wrote:

Sweet revenge, aye? Especially since you waited decades to dish it out ?

No. My siblings and I, along with our mother, eventually left him alone. He died alone in his house at the age of 70 from the effects of alcohol and tobacco.

He never apologized for his abuse, although he did admit to it. His reasoning was that maybe he had occassionally gone a little too far in his "discipline" of us; but that it was his duty to do so in order to keep us in line.

Abusive parents always seem to find an excuse for abusing their children, even when the abuse leads to broken bones, physical scarring, and emotional trauma that lasts a lifetime.

"Oh, you have no idea what it's like!", they whine.

Oh, yes I do! I know exactly what it is like to be dragged out of bed at midnight to undergo five hours of military-style interrogation for something that I didn't even know had happened.

"I know what you did", he'd say. "I just want to hear you admit it!"

This was usually followed by a few slaps and threats to lock me up in the basement or the garage.

So I know exactly what it is like to not only be presumed guilty even after being proven innocent; but I know what it is like to be so hated by a parent for being "different", that I was on equal terms with the family dog.

To this day, I can not stand to watch an episode of "CSI" or "24" - they may as well have patterned their sadistic behaviors after my dad. What's even worse is that there are people in this world right now who consider abusive behavior "normal" and who become defensive if anyone mentions how painful abuse from a parent is to children.

There is no excuse for child abuse!"

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22 Nov 2015, 9:09 pm

Wow Fnord, that is so horrible. It really breaks my heart to read what life was like for you.

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22 Nov 2015, 10:28 pm

Thanks, Ski.

The key word is "Was". Life was horrible, at times. It was the horror that has given me compassion for victims, with nothing left over for those who abuse, exploit, and/or neglect children, especially their own children.

I now have a beautiful wife, three grown sons, a lovely grand-daughter, a successful career, and many people that I call friends.

Never give up.

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22 Nov 2015, 10:38 pm

Fnord wrote:

HisMom wrote:

Fnord wrote:

skibum wrote:

UncannyDanny wrote:

I have to admit...that the mother was a total wicked witch for doing that to her son. And the people who praised her for it are a bunch of knuckleheaded scumbags.

I did not get the impression that anyone was praising her for tying up her child.

HisMom wrote:

Sweet revenge, aye? Especially since you waited decades to dish it out ?

Unfortunately, as the daughter of mentally ill and extremely abusive "parents", I understand all too well

... I wish I didn't, but I unfortunately do. But the horrific abuse has made me stronger while they continue to languish in their own insanity and wonder why no one gives a damn for them anymore.

I wouldn't be picking their nursing homes out. Instead, I am going to let them move in with their favourite child, my "golden sibling" who could do no harm in their eyes, sit back and watch the ensuing chaos.

Oh, my, that's gonna be so much better than any nursing home shenanigans that they could ever be subject to.

For, unbeknownst to them, I have known for a while now that Golden Sibling has ... let me just say that Golden Sibling has "issues" and all's not going to end well. For any of them.

Karma is a b1tch. You can always count on her to come around and finish up what your tormentors started. I probably shouldn't feel so happy about how things are obviously going to pan out for them, but I do. I am human, after all.

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22 Nov 2015, 10:50 pm

Fnord wrote:

To this day, I can not stand to watch an episode of "CSI" or "24" - they may as well have patterned their sadistic behaviors after my dad.

That pisses me off as well, I don't understand why the suspects don't tell them to **** off.

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23 Nov 2015, 2:51 am

HisMom wrote:

ASPartOfMe wrote:

IMHO it is the fault of the appearently horrible autism services in that area and the mom. The lack of services hurts autistic people also. It should be noted that the autistic advocate in the original article while overly compassionate towereds the mother in my opinion to her credit did make the point that lack of services hurts autistics.

The law seeks justice/punishment for actions not good intent. There should have been a consequence for the mother for what she did. What those consequences should be is where the mitigating circumstances become a factor. We have had post after post about the possible mitigating circumstances of the mother. That is fine. I think I have been the only one to discuss the possible mitigating circumstances of the autistic. This one sided attention/compassion is a problem.

No, there is no one-sided attention or compassion. This is a horrible situation for the entire family, including and especially the mother. What can possibly be done that would be a fitting "punishment" for the mother ? Should she be arrested and thrown in prison ? If so, as the children of an immigrant single mother of 6, where do you think the children will go ? Into care homes ? I don't know about Australia, but here in the United States, there is a total lack of care homes aka "therapeutic foster homes" that can take in children with severe disabilities (such as LFA with possible aggressive tendencies). So, that pretty much sums up the situation for the autistic lad - he probably has nowhere to go if his mother is locked up.

It appears that many people want the mother punished without considering the ripple effects of that "punishment". The "system" failed the family in two different countries, I suppose, and now we want her to pay for it and penalize her for the lack of support and for doing whatever she had to do for to care for her family ?

As for compassion / mitigating circumstances for the autistic lad - having autism is a mitigating factor. The courts and the justice systems recognize this, which is why violent attacks and even murder when committed by LFAs are usually not treated on par with those committed by NTs. So, it seems to me that most people realize and understand that it was not the boy's fault that he had significant needs and / or was aggressive / violent. My disagreement is with the minuscule percentage of alleged autistics here who want to blame and shame parents for everything and anything they would do because they want these people to tolerate violence and abuse at the hands of autistic child, just because "it just appears wrong". Well, I ask you - would you allow yourself to be beaten up by an individual, just because that person is "autistic" ?

That was what I was referring to in my earlier post - people who voice such opinions (that violence and abuse are OK when perpetrated by autistic individuals, especially against parents) do not seem "autistic" to me. Rather, they come across as hardened anti-socials, and must be regarded as such. Anyone who condones / justifies violence, and blames and shames acts of self-preservation by those at the receiving end give all autistics a bad name, and these people are not your "friends".

I can't say for sure what should have been done without knowing the circumstances. There are legal consequences that do not involve jail or having the kids forcibly removed. In this case there were no legal consequences and that is wrong.

Pretty much every day I google "Autism" to see what has happened in the last 24 hours. In cases in which an autistic child was abused or killed the vast majority of attention and compassion is directed towered the abuser or murderer with the autistic victim usually an afterthought. This is especially from spokespeople from autism advocacy organizations. I did take notice that the advocate in the originally linked article did note the effect of lack of services on autistics because it is so rare that these spokespeople do mention autistics.

I am glad you clarified your statement that is is a miniscule amount of us that would find the autistic abusing the parents ok because that is not what you wrote earlier I was reacting to the blanket statement about autistic adults. But I still do not get why you put the caveat "especially" for the mothers because that implies the other members of the family suffer but to a lesser degree then the mother from lack of services.

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23 Nov 2015, 5:57 am

Fnord wrote:

I understand and it is really beautiful that everything turned for you and that you are so blessed now. Many people who were abused become abusers themselves. When you are able to overcome that and raise a beautiful family of your own, that is really fantastic. Your posts here have encouraged me. :heart:

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24 Nov 2015, 3:25 pm

Fnord wrote:

Is it more abusive to chain a child up or to drug the child to make him more docile and easier to handle? Or would this be just another case of "justifiable" child abuse?

Those would both be abusive.

HisMom wrote:

What I find interesting is how adult austistics want autistics to be treated with respect and compassion, yet they won't reciprocate and are quick to judge and call for blood. Then they wonder why they are unpopular and pull the strawman of "it's my disability" as opposed to the true "its because i am an a-hole". Talk about self entitlement. They are such special snowflakes, lol.

All you bleeding hearts here -- how many of you would take this kid in if you think the mum is so bad ?? Let me guess -- not one. But you are quick to run your mouth and pontificate to someone else.

So quick to assume what our answers would be. I have seriously considered becoming a foster parent, did you know that? Of course not, you think if we don't show sympathy to an abusive mother, we must be selfish heartless people. Well, you know what, if I could, I would take that child in, and give him the best care I could. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to help a child like him, but it's not because I don't want to.

And most of the time when autistic people aren't liked, it is because of the disability. I've met some wonderful quirky, friendly, engaging kids who have no friends because other kids think they're weird or because they don't understand what the other kids are doing and why. I've also been one of those kids. It's part of the definition of autism, in case you don't know.

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