I'm finally finished with myself, as is my mother.

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Good luck bro.

I hope the psych ward can adjust your medication so you are more comfortable.

Being depressed with anxiety is not living.

I send you gentle hugs, and please check back when you can.

All good vibes your way!

You have a bunch of people rooting for you, Masakados. Try to remember that.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Oh my god I'm so pissed. They denied me access and told to suck it up and go to school. They knew nothing about agoraphobia even after I explained it.

Then go bananas in school. Sit and rock in a corner if you must, or have a screaming fit. If you are spending all your energy and focus on trying to act nice, you have nothing left for dealing with school. Don't try to keep it together. Show what you feel. You won't get help if you don't ask for it. Often, asking for help means does not mean using words to ask for it. A lot of people don't understand words, they only understand actions. I've fallen into this trap so many times. I don't show my pain, and I seem to be in control, so people assume I don't need help.

Focus your energy on actually getting to school. When you're in school, you've already achieved your goal for the day. Anything else is a bonus.

If you want help, you have to shed the fear of being a problem to people.

Oh brother. Try your counselor. He might be able to refer you to whatever. And talk to your doc and see if he has any med ideas.

14 was also a very hectic time for me, well more like 13-16 but you know. I contemplated death often (will not go into the reasons) and almost attempted once. Fortunately, logical thinking can’t be suppressed in my mind for to long and I begin to just tell myself “4 more years, 3 more years, 2 more years, one more year until I can drop off the grid. 1 more year and I can move across the country/world and sever all contact besides 1 way letters with no hints to my location”. As for my agoraphobic anxiety, that has escalated more over the last 2 years. I constantly avoid going into any social situations unless absolutely necessary. I have been homeschooled since the 4th grade taking a brief intermission by attending a private school for 10th grade. Now I am homeschooled again but I have a job now so I have to force myself to leave the house. I have my mini-heart attack and live with nausea and headaches until I can go back to my own space and then start over again the next day. If I had a choice, I would not have a job but it is necessary if I want a car. A car is necessary for my plan to up and disappear on my 18th birthday. So I put up with social settings despite my anxiety manifesting itself in disruptive physical symptoms.

My advice to you is take it day by day, count down until you no longer have to put up with it because it is only temporary. If I had taken action on my thoughts of death all those years ago, I would not be able to later enjoy slipping out of the choke collar next year and then living out the rest of my life the way I feel I should. 5 years of emotional and psychological agony is worth it if I can have just 15 of not having someone tell me everything I do is wrong, that I will never succeed in life, or that I don’t make my own choices. I can decide what to wear, I can decide who to vote for, I can decide what to drive, I can be free from being told I will be a failure.

When I was 11 I was almost catatonic (so says my psychiatrist) with anxiety and depression. I was put on Prozac and temporarily Ativan which helped a lot. A couple of years later the Prozac had lifted most of the depression to reveal hypo-manic episodes leading to Lamictal and Zoloft instead of Prozac (I had built up a tolerance to Prozac). The Zoloft helped with the anxiety until I secretly stopped taking both prescriptions and it was a full year before anyone noticed. I was just really good at pretending that I wasn’t freaking out whenever we went somewhere. The anxiety returned when I stopped the Zoloft but I don’t notice anything from my cessation of the lamictal.