Should governments criminalise shaming of singles/virgins?

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Is asking about one's dating life normal though in other places? When I say how people ask about virginity, many here apparently say that this question is very rare where they are, and potentially offensive. So what is offensive and what is not? Is this some NT thing that I do not get?

My only personal reference is my mother. When people ask her intrusive, personal questions, especially about sex or relationships, she gets furious and usually curses out the person and tells them to get lost. Is this reaction considered "abnormal" or "hostile" in NT world? I just do not get it, not sure if I am missing something here.

For the record, I have never, ever asked strangers or acquaintances about their dating/sex life or their race. If they volunteer to tell me that information unsolicited, that is their choice, but I did not ask them. The only people whom I have talked or talk about this is with very close friends and my mother. And as of so far, my only close friend whom I knew since we were age 5 does not even live here anymore; he moved to in Los Angeles over a decade ago.

Last edited by Leon_Trotsky on 27 Dec 2019, 8:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I never had much luck approaching someone I was attracted to. What worked was being interesting, and a bit "hard to get." Unattached women would wonder why I wasn't oogling them to the usual extent, and try to talk. Then, I let them imagine that I was similar enough to the Knight of their dreams. I never rushed things. Eventually, I got picky myself, and stayed single.

These are some weird people you hang out with.....just your luck!

People who don't know each other well don't ask about others' sex lives. They just don't. People know they're not supposed to ask these sorts of questions to people whom they don't know very well. They know it's none of their business.

Yeah the other thing about Meetups that I've found is that they tend to attract people who don't have friends for whatever reason. That's literally what Meetup is about. So you're sometimes going to run into people with... issues... at Meetup groups. Either they have social issues or anxiety issues. Either way that's been my experience with using Meetup and why I don't do it much anymore.

Some people see all their acquaintances in terms of just a few groupings, and they can't really get a focus on you without that data. Around here, if you don't have a locally common last name, people with one can't relate at all. It's all about the clans.
It sounds as if Leon's mom is a bit touchy - the way to discover local customs is by observation. Sometimes, a vague answer is best, if the truth tends to be news you don't care to spread. When Barbara Streisand objected to pictures of her house that 13 people had seen on-line, a million more looked to see what the fuss was about.

Your profile says Queens, so many you have some idea.

The guy was from Staten Island and was quite direct. I am like that too, although I am from California. But every time we met, he basically hinted, "So, you gonna answer my questions from last time?". I am not sure if this is common in New York City like it is here in Northern California, but he asked me over and over and over. Considering that this was more than a year per week, this was well over 52 times.

People in NYC know how to mind their own business.

You just don't ask about peoples' sex lives when you're in a "meetup" sort of group. Or anywhere.

Unless you become close with someone.

Geeze yes.

"Are you married?"
"Do you have any kids?"
"Do you want to have kids?"
"Are you seeing anyone?"

Etc.

All completely common questions that strangers ask each other.

If you only have your mother as reference and she threw fits when asked - then... that's what you learned. And it's kind of ... well ... you won't make many friends that way.

People say these things to get to know people around them.

Best way to dodge an answer is to turn it back on them. Example:

THEM: "So... are you seeing anyone right now?"
YOU: "Not at the moment. Kind of busy at work right now. How about you?"

People love to talk about themselves.

Perhaps some assertiveness training would help you deal with instrusive questions Leon.

One technique (called "broken record") is to repeat a standard answer as many times as it takes to make it clear to an instrusive person that they are violating your boundaries.

Your standard answer could be "I never discuss sexual topics, full stop". Then talk about the weather or some neutral topic.

Learning how to set boundaries is a vital skill, and many AS people seem not to have learned it. It's never too late to though.

Or...just look them in the eye, and ask them "why do you wanna know?".

"full stop" is the British Commonwealth way of saying "period."

As in: "I don't discuss my sex life, period."

I never really understood that concept. I cannot remember having asked people whom I had just met or just knew superficially about their dating or romantic lives. Certainly never about their sex lives. This simply never occurred to me.

If I wanted to ask an opening question, I would ask something like, "How do you like the weather here?" or something like that.

Usually my attempt to dodge questions and put it back on their side would go something like this:

Person: "So you dating someone, when was your last date?"
Me: "I am not answering that. But if you want to say, that is your decision."

I am not sure if I am just missing something socially. The way that so-called normal people socialise is baffling to me. They do things that I would never do/say, and I do things that they would never do/say.

People don't talk like that in NYC.

They usually start with the weather, actually.

They would more likely ask what you do for a living----than about your dating or sex life.

Pretty extreme exaggeration here. I highly doubt you've gone to jail for just complimenting a woman or been divorced just for saying "good morning" to a receptionist. My guess is that you've been verbally chastized for this behavior and it hurt your feelings. Though do let me know if I am wrong in this assumption. Why are people so hell bent on giving women the kind of attention they super don't want anyway? It seems like it's a lot easier and less effort to just not, if you are aware that it bothers people anyway. I get it that it's a very real problem if you weren't aware that it's rude to, for instance, talk about the receptionist's body (even positively) when you see her every single morning. You're right, it used to be the social norm to do this, but now it's not. Norms change. I understand that it can be jarring when you think you're being nice and someone blindsides you with "that's not PC!" -but we've got to learn to move on from these kinds of things. People correct me when I am accidentally offensive all the time. I apologize, make a note for the future, and move on. As awkward as I am, I just don't have the energy to get all enraged every time someone tells me I've hurt their feelings. It's easier to just express I had no ill intent, apologize and move on.

Again though, this broader conflict seems to me to be more about shifting social norms, not really laws or even really feminism when it comes down to it.

I mean, it's not illegal for me to suddenly stand up in a crowded theater and sing "This is the song that doesn't end" loudly and off key. That being said, people would really dislike being around me while I do that. Could I get kicked out of the theater for that? You bet I could. Could I get dumped for that if my date saw it unfold? Yep. If I did that while at my job as an usher? Totally within the theater's rights to fire me on the spot. This isn't some kind of conspiracy though. This is a case of going against social norms which preserve the comfort of the majority of people in the room. In the most extreme of cases these norms are enforceable by law (for instance, it's illegal to set a fire in a crowded theater), but in most cases what these norms are is governed by popular opinion, which fluctuates over time. I should also mention that social repercussions of breaking these norms is often within the magnitude also not governed by law (for instance, you can't make it a law that someone has to date you even if they don't like your behavior). There has always been and will always be a set of social rules which exist outside of any formal law system, and these norms will always change. This is not something invented by one political party or another, it has always been and will always be.

Back to the OP's issue, I think perception of virginity is something that has also changed a lot over the years. Social perception of not having sexual experience also, quite frustratingly, differs dramatically between the sexes. Anyway, I didn't have sex until I was almost your age, and I'm in happy relationship now. I think the key is to just learn to roll with the punches. People suck sometimes, but it's ok to be who you are. It's ok to never have sex, if that's what you want. If not, well, give it some time, and be choosy. You know, you deserve to be with people who like you too, not just the other way around.

Do you mean that shaming of virgins has increased now compared to the past? Again, my only close reference is my mother, who does not recall having been berated and bullied for being a virgin in the 1970s and 1980s. Or at least it was so minimal compared to my own case that she does not remember it.

I am not sure how much difference it made that she was a female virgin and I a male virgin. But both in different generations.

???
who does this outside of the internet, REALLY??

young people of today are increasingly lonely, single, virgins, if anyone does it they're in dwindling company