How Does Masking Work?

Post Reply New Topic

Are these people adult women?

That's a fair point . I just wonder how much is camouflaging , and how much is just the default /natural way the person is .

Lol, I wish I could answer that, telling the real me from the conditioned version of me is still an ongoing process, it is made more complicated by past experiences.

Not specifically . I guess for me it's wondering where the boundary between masking well and doing something because it's just instinctive/natural for the person to do lies .

I can only answer for myself on this one, masking is linked to anxiety about basic survival.
Wouldn't do it if I had a choice.

Interesting line of thought, although my mind immediately jumped to why would a human do that?
I came up with a few different categories of explanation:

• 1: their conviction that they have an ASD is valid, but they are deluding themselves as to the true level of their masking abilities: not a problem.

• 2: they are a mixed-up adolescent who’s latched onto the ASD as a ‘positive’ spin on how they’re feeling: annoying, yes, but a bit of compassion and they could be a useful lay advocate for genuine sufferers once they’ve matured & grown out of it.

• 3: they are a post adolescent adult who is struggling with genuine non-ASD psychological/neurological issues and their misidentification constitutes a cry for help: it would seem to me to be heartless to dismiss anyone in this category for having made a mistake in confused good faith.

• 4: they are a troll out to mess with people they perceive as an easy target: bad news, but I see no reason to suppose that the mods here are not up to task.

• 5: they are a psychopath using a mask of ASD as an additional layer of deception behind their mask of sanity: very scary thought, but I suspect more of a threat in the wider world than on these forums. Plus, as far I’m aware of the current state of medical knowledge, genuine psychopathy is far rarer than ASD: so rare as to be not worth the stress of worrying about.

^ don’t know what happened there: safari crashed and rebooted whilst posting first time

Well. For me masking has played a very real part in my life even if I don't count the masking of stims, as I developed and used an unusual way of masking from my childhood on. I never knew it was called masking until watching a YouTube video thingie when a lady talked about autism and masking and something rang a bell. At the time I was awatching it I knew I masked but I could not think how because the ladies examples of how she masked in her life were different. It was only while thinking about it and the feeling of "If only people knew the "Real" me!" sort of thing which I've had through most of my life that I put two and two together, but it didn't come to me WHY I masked until much later when I realized where, when and how it first started. I used it as I quickly learnt that through masking I could connect with people on an NT type of scale. Prior to this I would struggle, be quite a loner and be bullied. When I developed masking, I could even connect with those who were the bullies (Most of them). When I found I could do this via the method I used, things developed from there as I adapted the masking to suit my needs and circumstances.

Now I masked by acting thick with an intelligent sense of humour behind it. I was soo expert at doing this that to this day many people I had been with still think I am thick. Also, any autistic traits where I would be at a big dissadantage, the masking would cover. (While I don't know if I have enough traits to know if I am on the spectrum, they are still there).

I mask very well (apparently). For me it's the indicator is the complete mismatch between the outer experience "you speak so well, you seem completely natural" just YESTERDAY my husband said "you make it [a playdate] look so easy" and the inner experience: complete and utter HIGH ALERT --- all neurons firing --- every bodily and mental system on alert to pull it off. For me, this is a HUGE effort, it is HORRIBLE. There is the "sweet, young thing" I am presenting outwardly and then the confusion, emotional dysregulation, and physical impulses I am tightly controlling.



That. I want to drop the mask so much, I want to ask all the questions I have, wonder about all the things I see, say what I think --- I would be so happy. Instead I "behave" (suppress) and suffer (depress) - knowing that how I am is not acceptable (in the NT world; my ASD group doesn't mind). I need to get a new job and was reading about the "correct" things to say and do to get it. I am preparing to put this act on, I don't want to put this act on, I am afraid of the effort and whether I'll succeed. I cried and cried reading the book b/c everything "not to do" is my tendency. Why is it wrong?! !! !! !! And so I will put on my mask (as best I can, which I'm told is very good) and HATE IT. The person who is not masking, it simply answering the questions to the best of their ability, it's not an Academy Award winning performance.

The trick for me is to know my worth so that the masking is not so painful.

I woke up this morning thinking about how in my mind I am not a good actor (hence I pursued engineering) and yet I was given lead role after lead role in theatre productions as a youth. I am not clear "how" I am good engineer - I just do what I do and I am not sure what that is. I do not have a sense of self, or else simply can't articulate it. Tell me what to do, and I will attempt to do it: whether it's "natural" or not.

Just to recap. To me masking is an act. I am acting a part I have specifically designed and adapted over the years to enable me to fit in during a social occasion.

How do you hide poor social skills? And at what point does hiding poor social skills become the same as having good social skills? I'm constantly getting the "aw aren't you cute" or "oh, that was awkward" laugh from people over things that I've said, and I never understand why.

Is hard to answer. For me, without masking, in a social enviroment I will be very quiet, shy and withdrawn. I would be in my own little world in my special interests in my mind as a way of blotting out the things which made me stressed.
I do tend to be on edge in social situations regardless of masking or not. With masking it is as if I'm a different personality which can be mentally exhausting to keep up. An example of this which a work college once really noticed was that when I worked on the railways I was masking with a specific work mask. I was bold and confident and carrying on my duties as I was out dealing with the public. I was a conductor (Also in the UK, they were called guards). But when I was at home I was my normal self. Quiet, shy... You get the picture.
Now a work collegue called by and saw me at home and could not believe I was the same person. He said something like "You're totally different at work". He could not take it in. I knew nothing about autism back then. I had not thought about me masking. When he said what he said I didn't think a lot of it, as to me this is normal. It had not occured to me that other people stayed the same.
Now my character is the same as in I am still me, so if I miss pronounce a word I will still do that, and my accent is the same etc. But my personaliity... The way I am percieved. That changes accordingly as I mask or unmask if that makes sense?

So it sounds like your autism doesn't affect your understanding and use of social cues as much as it just makes you more withdrawn and quiet? I wouldn't be able to do that because it would be like me trying to fake understanding a foreign language; the minute someone opened their mouth to talk to me, it would be obvious I didn't understand.

I don't often make eye contact so I mask it. I will turn my head and eyes to seem like I am looking at them, but I will me looking at the side of their face instead. As long as they don't move no one seems to notice. If I do look at them, it can be hard to look and talk at the same time. Sometimes I can do it when I start to relax in a conversation, but at the start of a conversation eye contact will usually be partially masked or I will look at them and then speak and look at the side of them (As looking and speaking at the same time sometimes does not work).
Social cues. Some I pick up on. Other's I don't. I just fail to get hints. A neighbour always talks in hints. I find I often am in her bad books because I have not picked up on her hints. She says "I told you" when I know nothing about it.
For example she will say "The grass is high on the lawn" and I will look with her and agree. I go back home puzzled. About two weeks later she would have someone out to cut her lawn and tell this person how I refused to do it (Usually another neighbour so I end up in their bad books as well). This happens soo often with her. To be honest, unless it is a minor task, I can't help her at the moment as I have been soo fragile after the last few burnouts. If I was able to do an hour to help her it will take days or even a week to recover.
During social occasions, I often find my Mum saying "You are meant to let the other person talk!" I can forget that conversations are two way and they are not always about trains.
But masking for me is the ability to be bold and speak, and sit with other people etc. I would naturally try to be on my own and not speak etc.
Another masking is pretending to enjoy and smile etc when I maybe on edge and just not wanting to be there. It is not that I don't enjoy a conversation. I do. Is more that two difficulties... One is that when many talk at the same time I have to work hard to pick out the one voice if that makes sense? The other is that I just panic or am on high alert (On edge) just to be amongst large groups.
Sometimes I can be partly at ease, but it is more if everyones quiet and listening. So it varies. Also varies a lot compared to how anxious I am as when I start to relax and enjoy I can deal with a lot more then when I am on edge.
One of the last masks (If that is the right word to use) I can mention is how I mask partial shutdowns. I can be in and out of a partial shutdown and no one will realize I have had one, because to avoid situations where I will be told off, I learnt to mask the symptoms by pretending I need to sit down as I am tired (When all the while I can no longer stay standing as my body is starting to go limp so can no longer hold my weight). While like this, I will say anything in answer to another person to get them to leave me alone to recover. If they ask (And I have had this happen) "Do you understand?" When they"ve been talking about something important, and I replied as "Yes" as a no answer would mean further communication at a time when my brain needs to not think.

Last edited by Mountain Goat on 09 Feb 2020, 9:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

One way is to go first. Initiate contact so you don't have to read the body language of the other person.
Similarly, continue a previous conversation rather that messing with "small talk." But, hide the fact that you remember everything the other person said over the past year, even though you in fact do remember. That sort of stuff makes people uneasy.