MASKING or MIMICRY???

Post Reply New Topic

Well idk about all that, but even after all this pandemic I might just wear a mask in public as defualt, somehow it seems to ever so slightly help the social anxiety so like idk if I wanna give up wearing a mask when this pandemic ends. Like especially if I found a mask that did not hurt the behind my ears area I would probably have to be reminded to take it off and would have much more occurrences of attempting to eat or drink something without putting my mask down.

Masking is hiding something - true - but it's more often than not hiding vulnerabilities. It's particularily important when you grow up in some environment full of bullying - and this is, unfortunately, quite the norm.
I can show my vulnerabilities only when I feel strong enough to effectively defend myself anyway. That's a rare comfort.

Don't Aspies use mimicry as a form of masking?

... ... ...

It has never been my intention to take you to a place of guilt or shame that, in turn, leads you to depression and anxiety...I AM SO-O-O SORRY...If i could take your pain away, i would...I HOPE YOU CAN ALL FIND IT IN YOUR HEARTS TO FORGIVE ME... What do i do now???...Do i delete thread???...

... ... ...

Shocking!! !... ...I do appreciate the warning...

I understand that when seeking expert advice, one must proceed with caution...I have not purchased Mr. Hutten's book, so i cannot evaluate it...He did encouraged me to join one of his seminars, (especially for NT wives)...And i respectfully declined and told him specifically why i declined...I am relieved to learn that the complains you are referring to above are old complaints...I really think Mr. Hutten is a professional...In his videos, i perceive that he is fair to the autistic person when mediating between NTs and ASDs...When i finally have my consultation with him via Skype--he has a waiting list of three months--I will address these issues with him openly and frankly...And i will report here whether my experience is positive or negative...Again, thank you for the warning...And greetings from California...

... ... ...

Thank you for mentioning the importance of having good 'connections' between the right and left hemispheres of the brain...I am always amazed at the wonders of the human brain, and how it compensates for that which is lacking...I was born very creative; but logic is not my strength...So in my studies and in my profession, i purposely challenged the side of my brain that is not dominant...As a result, i think i have well-balanced strengths...I am very happy for you...That overtime, you have come to enjoy a better quality of life...

... ... ...

It just occured to me--after reading you--that NTs, we instinctively and naturally hide our vulnerabilities most of the time...And only in very intimate relationships, like with our immediate family and closest friends, do we disclose our vulnerabilities...There is this implied consensus among NTs that if and when a loved one reveals to others that which we did not authorize them to reveal, it is considered a lack of loyalty and therefore a betrayal...So, NTs, in a way, we have a 'mask' on most of the time, but we don't call it "masking"...Obviously, this is done at a subconscious level, and therefore it is not intended to mislead nor deceive...We don't even have a word for this (a psychologist may have a word for this)...???

... ... ...

From what i gather here, each Aspie's experience is unique...Understandably so, they each call it differently: camouflaging, suppression, adaptation, and the like; all of which--i have to agree--are better terms than mimicry...Mimicry is possibly done in some cases but the word appears to be offensive to some here...(It was coined by an NT expert on autism who i referenced to here on this thread)...For the most part, the consensus here on this thread has been that "mimicry" is not accurate and "masking" is a more appropriate term...My conclusion is that only those of you on the spectrum are qualified to call it whatever you wish; simply because it is your experience, and your experience only...

Upon reflection, I think I have a personal anecdote where I used a learned behavior to compensate for an Aspie weakness of mine. I am curious how people react to the anecdote and what label(s) they think (Aspies and NTs alike) would apply to my learned behavior.

Weakness: Face-blindness (usually including names).

Learned Behavior: Assume anyone might be an acquaintance and treat them accordingly, even when I have no idea who they are.

Anecdote: (Note: I am not a hugger--though I do sometimes hug my bride and I'll even offer her a hug when her face says someone she knows died, is dying, or is seriously ill.) In 2019 my bride and I went to a restaurant for dinner and when we entered one of the other customers rushed up and gave me a huge, warm, friendly hug. I helplessly accepted the hug from the strange lady even though I had absolutely no idea who she was nor why she was hugging me. After the hug she and my bride chatted so I figured out they were friends. After their chit-chat we all moved to our separate tables.

Later I asked my bride: "Who the heck was that?!" Bride's response: "That's [name I did not recognize and do not remember]. We gave her a ride to the airport!" I did remember that relatively recent, nearly two hour trip and that my ears were sore afterwards. I had no expectation that I would recognize her or her name the next day.

Side note: After this I told my bride that I would not remember what [strange lady] looked like and that if we were ever again somewhere where [strange lady] was likely to ambush me with a hug, then she [my bride] should try to stand where she could watch my face because she'd probably be very amused.

P.S. Regarding the video...I'm the Aspie in our house though we had been married nearly 20 years before we learned that. We would've blamed my behavior on me being a very strong INTJ. After my bride learned the behavior was not because I was mad at her she was reasonably good at giving me necessary time to "introvert".

When I did it it was MASKING like in a horror movie.

I put on the mask.

I became someone else while wearing it.

I lost my face.

Ultimately there was nobody behind the mask.

But because people have depth, that made me ill.

My advice to others is either AVOID COMPLETELY or MIMIC with the awareness you're mimicing. Get time to come home and take off your costume and be YOU for a bit.

Bear in mind that when I masked I did it for approval. I didn't copy people around me but copied what the ideal worker, ideal woman etc was. Until money came into the equation I didn't do it at all but then I was trained to be a certain type of person with body language coaching, learning what clothes to wear etc.

NT’s do mask. When an employee “acts professional” that person is doing that. A person might naturally like very casual clothing and to use coarse language but will hide that part of themselves at work. People will “put their best foot forward” when starting a new relationship with person they are really into. The difference is that with autistics we have to try harder to hide more parts of ourselves then NT’s and this often has to be done 24/7. At an early age many of us learn being ourselves means being bullied and excluded and that continues into adulthood where we are shut out from or can not keep jobs and relationships. Constantly masking takes a tremendous psychological toll, leading to depression, suicide, anxiety, depersonalization where we can not tell who we are what part is us learned new skills, what parts of us is not only faking others but ourselves. Certain autistic people can keep the fakery up for years or decades before it becomes too much and we have “autistic burnout” or meltdown in a very public and embarrassing way.

The thing is most every NT not only masks but has one or several autistic traits. We just have most of them more intensely. Many NT’s think we all have problems, I have your issues and manage them and but you won’t because you are an attention seeker, a drama queen, a lazy or just a weak person. Our neurology is often described as massively over diagnosed or even a fake disease made up to profit big pharma or excuse bad behavior.

So that is why this topic is such a sensitive subject in this community.

^^ This.

Masking for autistics, unlike NTs, is not intuitive and require a great deal of energy. And because our mask is not intuitive, it does not work as well as an NT mask. We study social interaction; NTs just get it.

BTW, with empathy comes the ability of NTs to manipulate and deceive others. NTs can mask to deceive. That is not an autistic strong point.

... ... ...

Thank you for your insight...And i am sorry that i addressed such a sensitive topic without the sensitivity that it demands...Not because i am ill-intended but because of my ignorance of ASD...PLEASE ACCEPT MY SINCERE APOLOGY...I now know better...

In recent times, i have been telling my beloved (Aspie) husband that i want to be his "place of rest"...His place of rest as in after a hard day of work...Where he can just take-off his shoes and relax...This is the kind of atmosphere i try to create for him at home...And i realize that due to his autistic traits, i must also respect his personal space (and i do); so that he can 're-charge', especially because he has been working non-stop (there are not enough workers due to the pandemic)...

And most importantly, it requires that i create a safe space where he can remove his mask, literally and figuratively...Thankfully, he works with animals at a farm and also in agriculture, so his interactions with co-workers are limited...Thankfully, when he comes home to me, he can still be gentle to me, and even affectionate of his own initiative...But when he is not, because he is feeling overwhelmed, i try to be understanding and patient...

In fact, I am glad to share with you that for our 2nd wedding anniversary which just passed at the end of last month, he bought me a cake to celebrate of his own initiative...There is more to this but out of respect to him, i will not disclose...Suffice to say, I know i am blessed to have him...And no expert on autism has had to tell me this...I know it in my heart with all certainty...

... ... ...

You just mentioned one of the reasons that i love been married to my husband: the fact that he cannot lie to my face...I am NT, but i don't lie!! !...Not even to save face...It is totally against my value system...So, yes, i am grateful that my husband is simply unable to lie to ME...In this respect, we are compatible...Of course, there are honest NTs...But i fell in love with my Aspie; and i cannot imagine myself with anybody else...

One of the problem of many AS people is: when your attention is super-detail-oriented, you don't naturally process contexts. So, for someone on the spectrum, acting different in different situations can be completely un-intuitive.
An anecdote: During my burnout and misdiagnosis, I was overmedicated and unable to mask. I was attending a philosophy lecture. The lecturer asked if someone had some tissues, so I reached to my backpack and tossed him a pack.
The silence that followed made me realize it wasn't what I was supposed to do.
I liked the lecturer - so the natural reaction was to act like he was one of my friends

It is easy to spot the autistic employee in an organization. They are the ones that turn up to the CEO's office after he gives a talk saying his door is always open if you have any questions. And the only one not surprised is the visitor.