At what age did you give up trying to attract men/women?

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I never did. Apparently I never had a problem either, if my friends are to be believed, I just never had a clue when someone was hitting on me or flirting or whatever (or when I was flirting either!). They all used to get really frustrated with me because I'd go on about how I like someone, and they'd tell me he obviously liked me too, but I'd never believe it because I just couldn't tell.

All said and done though, when I met my partner I knew he was the one the moment I saw him, and thankfully he knew I was too, so we were fairly inseperable from the word 'go'. Coming up two years and counting...! !

I love sex. Well when I got a good partner. I had this stratagy that to have two or three men as boyfriends (not generally together...although i would not put that past me) at the same time that I would not obsess over one or the other. They would have "help" taking care of the needy Alexithymia part of me. That didn't work. Men get jealous and I have trouble hiding things and get caught cuz well I am too honest for my own good. Right?

Each year I try to go without thing for a year...but every time I think I am going to get my year without it...and every time I get too clingy on a good guy and he runs away I find losers knocking at my door.
Thanks to therapy I think I am going to make it this time. At least I didn't take advantage of the "loser" who feel in love with me this time around.
I am getting picky in my old age...thank god. I am 27 and trying to find a companion was all I could think about for the last ten years. I dont even know what I want to be when I grow up because I was so busy looking to fit in when I was the only one who should have been voting yes.
It's funny how we get labeled as self centered when the exact opposite is the truth.

That is SO familiar!! !

And so is this:



That is SO ME.

But the only thing the Alexithymic part of me ever needed was for them all to confer and figure out, which one, if any, I was in love with/attracted to/lusting to capacity after, because I certainly wouldn't have a clue...

Not only do I not know where I stand with people, I usually don't know much about where they stand with ME either...

I did a LOT of coming face to face with myself recently...

The best way to wrap me round you little finger is to convince me you are crazy about me...THAT makes me feel guilty (I still have to figure out why that is) so you HAVE ME...I will do, or convince myself I FEEL just about ANYTHING to stand down the guilt...

I have had two (but NB that word "two" ) different guys running me, and my life INTO THE ground, over YEARS that way lately (and plenty others in the past)...I have LIVED my life for them, bled out my life blood, you name it...I have run myself to the edge of alcoholism a few times, and, to be honest, been treated like cr*p by both of them (though they were both careful to maintain the passive aggressive illusion of "devotion" they were both getting so much mileage out of ), and I am not sure I even LIKE them (in one case I am certain I don't)...even stalkers have been known to get a certain amount of mileage out of me just because I feel guilty and responsible for their obsession.

But when I DO come across someone I cannot help unreservedly liking, approving of and lusting after, I am like a little kid waking up too early on a frosty morning in a cold bed pulling coats over her until she can get comfortable enough to sleep again...

Except it's not coats I am frantic to cover myself with...it is people...to try and diffuse the inevitable perseveration on what is going on, whether it is in any way mutual, and what I should do about it...that will otherwise destroy my ability to function at all, and stress me to the edge if not CLEAN over it...

...and when I realise what I am doing and that it isn't actually going to work anyway, I run for it...before I create mayhem (again - trust me, I have, in the past).

Trouble is, I am STILL doing that 3 months shy of my 50th birthday.

Anyone I have no interest in, who can convince me (and a few witnesses, it's not like I EVER take my perceptions seriously) that they are crazy about me can have me as an emotional punchbag for years if they like...and they DO like...

Anyone I actually WANT is in a race against my stress levels and functionality that cannot be won in any healthy way, the overload happens WAY too fast...just being attracted to someone is a major crisis for me that actually gets WORSE if I can see a possibility of reciprocation (rejection is EASY to deal with)

I used to overcome it when I was young by finding people prepared to "fall in love" overnight...but that always (by some odd coincidence ) turned out to be a mistaken impression shared with an highly dysfunctional person within weeks.

Maybe I had better stick to my strategy of celibacy for most of the past 14 years? But which I do NOT mean "celibacy" in twinsets and tweed (perish the thought)...by rather my own personal brand of High Camp, High Goth celibacy in spike heeled thigh boots and tight laced corsets...after all, if you can't beat it, best to weave a fetish around it.

M

I don't try to attract women, and with the exception of trying to get my ex-girlfriend, I never have.

I need to START trying. So far all I do is try to avoid harassment, which is hard because I'm female and I look clueless. And I'm in my thirties...but getting older is good because I feel less vulnerable. So maybe I'll figure out how to get somewhere with someone and feel like I'm part of it. That's what I'm hoping will happen.

I am going to use your words for inspiration! Thanks!

"Why are all the good-looking guys gay?"

A rhetorical question a female classmate raised to another female classmate, right in front of me, right after I failed to identify one of her advances (I think).

Last edited by Mw99 on 08 Dec 2007, 5:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've never been in to the whole attracting thing, but that's 'cos I have a preeeeeetty low opinion of myself. And you have to feel attractive in yourself to attract other people, and all that stuff.

Yes, the usual NT assumption that if you don't respond when they think a girl is hitting on you, then you must be gay. That you might not have realised, or that you may not be attracted to that particular girl does not seem to occur to them.

As a girl myself, I can vouch for that.... Well, I've never done the assuming thing myself, it's just cruel, but all the other girls (who weren't so much friends, as people I hung around with for the sake of it) would always do things like that, and I always hated them for it...

The possibility that I did not find them attractive apparently never crossed their minds, but at least those girls had high self-esteem.

as others have posted I've never gave up because i never started i just gave an effort whne I liked a woman enough. Altough i'm starting to notice those women lookign at me I kept heatign about recently, as far as any flirting I Still have yet to notice one way or the other.

I look, don't look, then look again, rinse, lather, repeat, lol. I think that humans, being universally sexual and gregarious in some way, shape or form, never do stop looking; or, at least, unconsiously. After all, people fanstasize and love to see fantasies on TV, the movies, books, their computers No, but seriously, even if one does make an earnest effort to send stop sending signals (or not recognize them; which, as already stated, can be a problem interpreting them, in the first place, when one has Apergers), I think a part of oneself takes over, and does the job for one (ie evoloution is probably the mechanism that makes one feel so, so bad about being alone, that either 1) makes one think about sex nonstop, if not love, when its absent in one's daily life and/or 2)so much so, that it pushes many of those lonely into action, again and again.)
I personally don't consider dating or flirtation, and the entire infintely-stepped, ritualized mechanism involved behind them, much fun (but, of course, this could be because I don't think I am any good at this;)). I don't like small talk and other initiating strategies are just so complex, and not me. Thing is, I consider myself someone humorous, and I can probably initiate a comedy routine, a strategy someone mentioned earlier (and that I am also not really into using, because it is also not me), but, of course, my experiences have been as such, that women do not wish to stick around long enough, or be near enough to allow me to make jokes
(and this after many women claim that they like humour in men).
And, as the person who mentioned the issue of comdy routines,
I am also not willing to alter the rest of who I am, just to impress women, as well. There are about six of these other changes, that seem to work as attractors: smoking, drinking, tattoos, piercings, getting billion-dollar brand-name clothing, and lifting weights. I have seen plenty of guys who don't do either of the first two, or have the latter with girlfried's. As for the latter, my clothing may not cost the GDP of a small nation, but I don't think their rags, either. And, most importantly, I like what wear these days (something I never did, and, I can understand if the confidence did not match the clothing, as someone else pointed out, and this would be grounds for women to be turned-off). If women don't like what I wear and how I feel when I wear what I wear, then that is there problem, not mine.
As for my body, I may not lift weights, but I can run and dance very well. It may not be salsa or rumba or tango, or hip hop, but I can move to music I am often the first on the dance floor whenever possible, and alot of times, the last. And I go for the music itself, these days, not to necessarily attract women. If women still don't like me after I go even for its own sake, then, again, its not my problem.
Therfore, I may walk into any given situation and start looking, then stop, or not look, then start, but stop again, all in a manner of hours, due to the lack of receptivity from women in the situation.

Actually, I know the guys that I always end up liking are gay, because they turn me down by coming out to me.

*sighs*