Think my husband has Aspreger

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Yes, there is truth in this. I suspect you're both communicating right past each other. You're looking for specific kinds of communication, which he isn't doing, and vice versa. It sounds like you both care for each other very much, but the communication needs some polishing.

While I agree that compromise is going to have to occur, I don't think we can say this is a bad match. NT/AS relationships can be difficult sometimes, and I think she is feeling lonely right now. Heck, I'm an aspie myself and I feel lonely with my AS husband at times, so it is perfectly understandable to me that an NT spouse would feel this distance much more than even I would.



Yeah...



To be fair, her husband's behavior is not neurotypical. It may not be wrong, but it isn't "normal", which likely leads an NT spouse to feel rejected.

Nicely said. I think a positive relationship causes us to step outside of our comfort zones a little, but that is a good thing. It broadens our personalities a bit, affords us the opportunity to take chances we might not have otherwise, and can ultimately make us better people for the exprience. Now, I probably wouldn't ask my hubby to do something that makes him tremble with fear, but you're an awesome guy for being willing

Welcome poster, glad you came.

Some of the traits do sound like the Autistic Spectrum. Based on what you write, and my own very personal and unqualified opinion - it is a reasonable hypothesis.

One thing to be aware of is that aspie/autie traits are human traits, and it is very, very easy to read them into non aspie people, especially once you've learned of the AS features, and especially in the presence of some other similar condition like OCD or social phobia.

Autism is, at it's root, a difference in wiring in the brain. It affects the way sensory information - hearing, sight, touch - is integrated and experienced. This in turn can can affect the way the person develops socially ... the 'second order' effects.

It is very complex and very individual. Forget the DSM.

Some aspies are extremely outgoing. Others reclusive. Some have no sense of humor, others are professional comedians. Some avoid eye contact, others gaze into your eyes and don't look away. Some are described as having lack of empathy, others as having a deep sense of fairness and 'perfect pitch' for human relationships.

What I'm saying is keep a very open mind. Getting a qualified diagnosis is no mere formality. By qualified, I mean a neurosphychologist who has performed at least 100 tests for autism/aspergers. Not an MD. Not a psychiatrist or psychologist. This is an exotic and very new DSM category, and the information needed to diagnosis it is not yet in the DSM. (A qualified doctor will screen first for those issues of sensory integration i mentioned.)

It's in the wiring. Out of curiousity, does your husband rock? Is he sensitive to certain sounds like a ticking clock? Certain smells? How about lights - flourescents?
Are there certain fabrics or clothing he finds uncomfortable? Is he sensitive to temperature? These issues of basic 'wiring', i think (and so does my doctor) are the best place to start looking at autism.

Finally, your husband may go and actually receive a diagnosis of AS yet you may discover - this is not the cause of your marital stress. The fact that his neurology is non standard is not necessarily the smoking gun.

He may be inclined to spend more time on the computer than you expect, but maybe now he is spending all his time on it due to mutual discomfort in your marriage. He may not be interested in gatherings because he doesn't like the people.

Maybe you two have fallen into a rut.

Maybe he has a list of frustrations about you.

Maybe the problem is between you rather than within him.

An Aspie diagnosis may be a key to finding a common language in which to start talking to each other. I say, go for it.

*Note, VmSnith is not qualified to say anything, ever. The above is completely personal ranting that wasn't even spellchecked, never mind based in anything other than my own meandering experience. But i think it's still pretty much true.

For someone on the autistic spectrum, it is not as simple as pretending to be interested in what someone else is talking about.

For example, when I was studying and I came home for the day i NEEDED to be left alone to rest for a few hours in silence. It's not that I simply couldn't be bothered, it was all of the social interaction exhausted me. I needed to be left alone to kind of..."re-charge" in a sense.
If I wasn't left alone, I would become severely agitated and possibly even "shutdown".

If your Husband is on the autistic spectrum, then he might experience a similar thing after a day at work. If you try and force him to talk, it will only make things worse. Just let him be...

I was reading back, Poster, and wanted to make a suggestion. You mentioned your husband is very active in text (email, messaging), but face-to-face vocal communication is difficult for him. Someone suggested you try texting him (silly tho it sounds, texting someone on the same couch) and you understandably replied that for you, it's all about personal interaction.

You may find it fruitful to reconsider this. Relationships are about communication. While different modes of communication may not feel 'real' at first ... in the end, it's what we express that matters and not how we express it.

Suppose - heaven forbid - your husband was suddenly rendered deaf. You would immediately switch over to a mode of communication which you both share in common - text or email. You wouldn't be resentful or feel too put off, I'm guessing. He can't help being deaf.

I can't help being Aspie. Emotionally charged, face-to-face communication is more difficult to me than you can imagine. I would literally prefer to get a root canal. The necessity to integrate so much sensory information - unbelievably subtle nuances of expression, tone, body language, while trying to listen and express myself, where one wrong move can have dire consequences, is not simply difficult - it is essentially beyond the capacity of my neurology.

It is very difficult for any of us to believe that - what comes so easily and natural to us, like hearing - is beyond another's capacity. But the deaf cannot hear.

But they can feel and think and hope and dream and love.

And they can read.

I, too, have to rest in quiet when I get home from work or spending time in the same room with people (noise/movement etc). He may be the same way as that and what other people have mentioned above.

Maybe you could ask for dates like when you guys were dating? So maybe on Saturday nights you can cook dinner or go out and he can try to be more talkative and such? That way he would know when and for how long he would need to be like that and can rest up.

I don't want to make myself sound like I'm a martyr I'm not. But this may be illustrative of compromise: my wife used to ballroom dance. Dancing with the Stars type stuff ballroom. Fast, spinning, complex footwork... she'd love to do that again, and love to do it with me.
I slow dance with her. I put my arms around her, try to sway with the music, and look in her eyes instead of at the wall behind her as much as I can manage. They're a world away, really, but it's something. It's... not easy. But it's not horrifying. Doing something faster, now that's horrifying. I make an effort where I can, but there are somethings I can't, and will probably never, do. I step out of my comfort zone to make her happy, she accepts I can't go as far as she'd like. We compromise.

+1
If he does communicate with you more, in the end, then it'll likely be about compromise - finding different methods in some cases, finding different times in some cases.

I was reading your thread and was struck by what you're saying is similar to what my mother would say about my father. I would guess your husband is on the spectrum (a guess, I'm not a specialist).

My parents: NT mother and Aspie father. They never really understood eachother. It's like they were on two different levels of communication, and as a result, in constant conflict. She would also always say he was 'empty', she also had to sometimes "shove" him to do things, talk to people etc, etc.

As an aspie daughter, I can understand why he seemed emotionally absent as a father, and I don't blame him for that. He tried his best, and still tries, he just really doesn't know how to do it. Not showing love doesn't necessarily mean not feeling it. Like a previous poster said, he might be showing it, just in his own way. I think your case is very much like trying to put two people who speak different (but similar) languages together and expect them to fully understand eachother. If you're going to try to make your marriage work, you need to be patient.

But, not too patient. Look after yourself and don't set your things aside. That's what my mother did, and things didn't turn out well. She regrets having made too many sacrifices for him and constantly mentions how she would've done things a little differently.

I think it may be wise for you to seek counseling to develop coping skills. The things you need to ask yourself is not why he doesn’t do something, but why it is so important TO YOU for him to do it. What need of yours is not being met? Next, find something else to meet that need.

Not all men regardless of AS or NT come home and chit chat with their wife. You are lucky that he texts and emails. He is communicating, you are not being receptive. He can’t change. His brain can not rewire itself. You need to be flexible and accept his form of communication. Waah, not fair, whatever.

Not to be rude, but you do sound young. As women age they become less and less interested in coupling and become less dependant on their partner to satisfy some emotional need. Women learn to satisfy their own emotional needs. This comes with age and time.

Love changes and grows. You cannot be ridged. Would you expect someone with an iq of 60 to do trigonometry? Would you expect someone who is 5’ tall to reach the top shelf that is 6’ up without standing on a stool? Would you expect a blind person to drive? Would you be mad if a deaf person didn’t hear you talking when their back was turned? Would you expect a 105 year old to beat a 10 year old in a 100 foot dash? EVERYONE has limitations, things they CANNOT do. If communicating via talking is something he CANNOT do, that’s not such a bad thing. Think of the really bad scenarios, abuse, addiction, THOSE are things to leave a person for. Talk to some women in their 60’s. They’ll tell you that you are lucky he doesn’t talk much!

Enjoy his strengths. He sounds so interesting and diverse. You will have adventures with him you can have with no one else. Believe me, you can learn to live this way. Yes, you will always have brief moments where you want to run and scream for your life, but in the end, it has the potential to be the best love in the world!

Hello. I strongly recommend you buy a book called 'Alone Together: Making an Aspergery Marriage Work' by Katrin Bentley (Jessica Kingsley Publishers).

A good quote from this book is, "Having a different way of thinking doesn't mean we can't find happiness. It simply forces us to be tolerant and accept our different perception of the world."

Helen

Do they also learn to not make enormous sexist generalisations?

my guess is he is hurting - knowing your pain at a very deep level he can't verbalise - i was there - http://unlearningasperger.blogspot.com/ - give him hope - speak to him deep inside - ask him to work towards you - help him

Isaura,

PLEASE don't listen to JCJC777. The consensus here is that his theories are silly and don't work. It is bad enough to suggest that to someone that has the problem, but to state that to someone that complains about a friend or relative that has the problem just is NOT right.

I disagree. My husband says that I have gotten worse as I've gotten older. Part of this I ascribe to thinking my oddities were cute and endearing, but after 7 years, it's not that cute anymore. It does get harder for hubby to cope sometimes. Especially when I'm under the stress I'm under currently and I've had more and more screaming melt downs.

I also beg to disagree, because those traits are the basis for being on the spectrum in general. Some of us are more social than others. Some of us are more withdrawn and have more difficulty separating ourselves from our obsessions.

My experience in working with people on the spectrum is that language is acquired for some on target and then they lose the ability for some time and then regain it. Others are delayed in acquiring speech (usually boys) and others are early and precocious speakers (usually girls).

We have great amounts of diversity within our own population.