First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Hi, I'm new here. I joined because I wanted to know more about AS, because people I know have told me they have it. Now I've read all 43 pages of this thread and it is an amazing and wonderful thread. Thank you for starting it!

Though I initially thought I would just lurk a little, I figured I could at least make myself useful and help answer a question, if it's ok to just jump in as a noob?

To the people asking about social networking:

Social networks are made up of people who are willing to practice a give and take for mutual benefit.

I am by no means an expert on it, but I once had the chance to listen to an expert talk about it and I liked what he said.
He said that many people think they have no social network, but that is not true. Everyone has one, but while some people have a huge orchard, others have a little, untended, overgrown garden. So the first thing is to take stock.

Make a list of everyone in your circle of acquaintances who you get along with and who you think can be potentially useful to you. Useful as in: has information that can help you with your life or your career, has friends who are experts on things that interest you, would be willing to discuss things with you - anything you think is useful.

So then next on the list you write down how this person could be useful to you and how you could be useful to them.
Then you think of a way to have regular contact with them in a way both of you might enjoy.

So perhaps if the secretary in your company knows everything about everyone, and chats with you from time to time, you might consider sharing coffee and cookies with her on a regular basis to chat about work. Or maybe if a person you get along with is not a great talker, share interesting (to them!) links via email with the words "I saw this and wondered what you might think of ot" in the hopes of starting a loose correspondence.
Or you could be direct and tell a person who you have just met that you think you two could benefit each other and why not meet up for a coffee some time. This is appropriate in a networking event context.

The difficult part is knowing what a person might think appropriate in terms of contact. (I find it difficult to make a general rule on this so if you have questions about specific situations that would make it easier for me.)

The next step is figuring out what kind of people you want to meet who could be useful to you. And where to find them. Networking events are really a good idea, you might want to look into what kind of events are there in your industry. Avoid events where there are tons of people who have nothing to do with your business. It'll just exhaust you. Try for more exclusive things that are more focussed, like a symposion on a certain topic. Events like these usually have a designated portion of the evening "for networking", so there'll be people standing at tables nursing drinks. It's fine to start conversations with them. Don't interrupt if people have their eyes and bodies very focussed on each other, but if there is a loose conversation going on and their eyes are roving about the room, feel free to talk to them. Try to read people's name tags (good luck, I hate this part), and ask them what their job is. People go there to meet other people, so they're expecting it.

Advice (this is really important, in any context): Be able to explain what you do in one sentence. Don't just repeat your job name. Tell them what you do. Not (for instance) "I am a key account manager" but "I help our clients choose the security systems they need".

Hm, was that useful? Or am I explaining the obvious? I'm sorry if it's rambly.

Oh, and I also have a question to the AS people:
What would your ideal friendship be like? Like, how often would you meet and what would you do and how would your friend act towards you?

Wow Omnomnom, you read the whole thread? XD
Anyway, the advice you gave is great. Especially the part about being able to explain what you do, because that's the kind of thing I suck at and wouldn't normally think about beforehand. XD

As for your question:
I guess my ideal friend would be someone who doesn't care much about emotional stuff (or at least doesn't talk too much about it or pry into it) and just likes to do light and fun stuff. No pressure! That's important. I don't know if it's the same for others, but I avoid people if I feel any pressure around them, because it's so stressful it can easily make the whole relationship seem like it's not really worth it.

Meeting.. it depends on how close you live or if you go to school together or anything. I have some good friends in a nearby city and visit them only about once a month because the travel is another source of pressure. But people who live down the street, I like to meet once or twice a week for casual things like lunch or video games or something.

I don't know if all this is similar to what other people would say though.

@ Omnomnom: Thanks for the details . . . now i know why its something virtually out of our scope seeing as how our ability to interact with other (1-1 or in a group) is limited to non-existent. <shudder> i get nervous just reading about the networking places. Whatever happened to just turning in your resume, application, and waiting for the interview?

Hello all. I'm new here and have a question for anyone with AS who may be able to help me out.

I have been married for 20+ years to a man who we now believe to be AS (he won't seek and official diagnosis). That understanding is relatively new, and sadly came too late to save our marriage and I have decided that I need to leave the marriage. I will be (hopefully) moving some distance away from him, and two of my children who still live here, as well as our only grandchild. I have just begun to understand my husband a little now that I know where to look for answers, but things are much harder for my kids. My concern is that when I move, he will be their only family here and I would like to try to help them understand each other better, especially when it comes to grandchildren. When our grandchild was born, my husband was at the hospital and when asked if he wanted to hold the baby, he said no. My daughter was crushed. I stated in another post that in 7 months my husband has held the baby exactly twice, but in going back over the past months I had forgotten one other time, which was the first time. They were visiting, and I actually called my husband over, asked him to sit down, and placed the baby in his arms. He sat there holding her in his outstretched arms, looking at her like she was a bomb, and didn't move a muscle until I took her back from him. He didn't smile, comment, nothing. The second time was at Christmas and again, I asked him to hold her so I could get some pictures, and he was so uncomfortable that everyone who sees the pictures comments on it. The last time was a few weeks later when I was babysitting. The baby was in the playpen and I asked him if her could lift her out and hand her to me, thinking maybe if I encouraged small interactions he would get more comfortable. That time, instead of handing her to me, he sat down with her and attempted some interaction. It was very strange, it was like somewhere in there he had decided that he was going to figure this 'thing' out, and her reaction to him didn't help the situation. She kept turning to me with a pout and pleading eyes as if she was hoping for rescue, which seemed to make him more determined that he was going to hold onto her until she 'accepted' him. It was both a touching and painful thing to watch.

When our kids were born, his reaction to the whole pregnancy and delivery thing is something that has been a painful memory for me. I understood my daughter's hurt when he wouldn't hold the baby, I had experienced the same thing when she was born. When we brought her home from the hospital and I tried to get him to hold her, he said he didn't hold babies because they would throw up on him. I can't begin to tell you how much that hurt. When the kids were babies, he never really had much to do with them and I learned to not expect him to hold them or interact with them, just assuming that as a new father he just had no clue. When he did interact, it was usually very robotic. I used to 'direct' home videos to get him in them with the kids, trying to get him to participate, and again, when anyone watched them they would comment on how disinterested and bored he seemed.

My question is this...to those who are Aspie parents or grandparents, is there anything I can do to help him connect with his children and grandchildren? I can try to explain AS to the kids, and have, they are adults and have the ability to understand. But I want so much for my grandchild to not feel as disconnected from him as his own children did (and still do).

If you can share anything about your experiences with connecting to your children/grandchildren it would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!

Thanks Wigglyspider and PlatedDrake!

Wigglyspider, yes indeed, I read the entire thread, I get thorough like that. And in a way, the questions here are more helpful to me than the answers in other parts of the forum. It helps me understand better. And some of the other threads here are a bit too specific for that.

PlatedDrake, yeah, I wish we could just apply for a job, too! The job market sucks at the moment and the hoops we have to jump through are ridiculous.

I find networking events draining myself, as I am an introvert. I can get along fine with lots of people, most people think I am an extrovert. But it is still draining and disconcerting for me to juggle so many people's reactions at once.

Anyway, I think you don't necessarily need to go to networking events, unless you personally are trying to sell something, or do marketing - something where you need to get noticed by strangers. Otherwise it is probably helpful for you just to engage with the contacts you have.

If you do want to try something along those lines (if only to impress your boss), pick some trade fair or symposion that you'd be interested in. And then - this helps enormously - define your goals beforehand.
Your goals can be, for instance:
1) Speak to five strangers for a couple of minutes each
2) Find and introduce yourself to a specific person who you know is going to be there (one of the speakers, for instance)
3) Don't speak to people, but discover new companies/leads you did not know who might be interesting for you

I've done each of these. By choosing your goals wisely, you can control whether you feel like a success and drained, or just drained.

AS answering AS question, but...

Due to being respected by several higher-ups, I was protected from being fired a couple times in my last job. Within a job, the simplest way towards social networking, other than making friends where and how you can, is to take credit for the work you do. I tend to just do the job, and let the work speak for itself, but it pays to take credit when you can. For me, I often don't know how, without being an obvious brown-nose. Subtle ways include asking higher ups what they thought of [insert good job here], and trying to "sell" projects to other managers/supervisers both work. Also emailing higher ups for "input" on projects...you're doing such and such, or did such and such, do they have any suggestions, whatever. Just don't be afraid to put your name on projects/whatever that are yours where you know you've done a good job. For finding a job, just asking and/or bugging your friends/acquantences if they know of any openings. Don't be afraid to ask people you haven't talked to in a long time. Just make sure to lead into it with "small talk" about what you've been up to since the last time you spoke to them.

[Or so says the unemployed AS, who has been meaning to write his ex-bosses for a couple weeks, to keep the bridges open, as it were.]

I have a question for AS folks. From everything I have read and observed, Aspies and Auties tend to interpret things literally. I am wondering if this too tends to have a sliding scale of impact, but I am curious if you tend to not get the humor in puns. For instance I tend to pun a lot in normal conversation, like the other day I called a friend who I knew had lost their power due to the storms we had last week, and I asked her if she was still in the dark. To me that had a double meaning, 1) the literal meaning that with the power off, her lights don't work so it's dark inside her house, but "In the dark" is also an idiom of sorts that means not understanding, or has not been informed yet, or something to that effect. Asking my friend if her power was back on, by saying, "Are you still in the dark", was intended to inject a little humor on the side, because of the double meaning. How would an aspie interpret that? Would it cause confusion?

Dark side topic

I see it both ways. Towards a dark understanding! Like Temple Grandin, I get an image of wandering around in the dark, but looking at myself as a spectator. Kind of amusing.

Need hot advice from an NT topic

Why do some NTs ignore requests for info rather than just tell the person they are unable to help? I asked a relative by marriage for information on the subject of a family tree that her husband had researched. She ignored letters and phone calls, even when i almost begged her for info. She had the info in her possession, but she did not wish to share it. I finally got the info another way, on my own, doing my own research.

Heh, I don't know, sartresue. That's like asking "why are some NTs stupid and rude". I don't know but I wish they weren't!

However, I got just such a request from a distant cousin two days ago, asking me whether he could have my family tree data because he wants to add pictures to it etc.
I think this is a great idea, but I still have to figure out how to scan it with a broken scanner, and where it is in my mountain of stuff and whether it is complete and where the other stuff I was planning to add to it is and so on and so forth. And so I haven't answered his request yet, thinking "I'll answer him as soon as I know!"

From experience, I know that this can drag out far too long. And I already know, if I don't give myself a kick in the ass to answer him anyway (if only to say "I'll get back to you), it'll take me weeks and I will feel like an unresponsive flake because I am. But the thing is, I am really bad at answering emails or taking phone calls. I don't know why. It's getting worse, too. I've got this "eek, do not want to communicate!" going on in my head.

So that is why I, personally, sometimes act rudely. And sometimes I want to smack myself for being such a flake.

But hey, your post just gave me the kick I needed to answer his email, so thank you!

In addition, the longer I procrastinate, the more I'm scared of it! (hey, I didn't say it was logical...)

Rhymeless reason topic

Thanks, O. I just wish people would answer my requests with

1. No thanks
2. Here is a suggestion, or
3 Get lost.

At least I would know. But when she ignored countless requests i got the message. But I would not do this to others. I would rather tell them, even in writing, NO.

But, it meant I had to do it myself. And I am glad I could.

I don't know, but, it's not just NTs. I've a friend with AS traits who mentioned someone and twice ignored my request for some kind of information about who the person is. I've no clue why. He even answered something else in the same email and ignored the question. And this was something where I had a need for knowing.

I've concluded that some folks believe that you are supposed to just know things, and when people don't respond after repeated attempts, you are supposed to just know that they don't want to communicate with you, or else they would. It's also possible that you would get faster results if your approach was different. If the person in question is an extrovert, it might be necessary to call them on the phone to make your request, instead of using an email approach.

Actually I see absolutely nothing illogical about that.

Phone a friend topic

I called this relative three times, left messages each time (she must screen her calls) and she never returned them. She has not left her house, according to her son, who talked to my sister just a week ago.

I did not email her. I wrote her letters, and was very polite, and signed each one. I even offered to pay if there were costs involved.

I have since solved the problem.

No rhyme or reason here. I just do not understand the human mind.