The autism social rule book.

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This sort of thing happens everywhere. I have a Polish friend who I mention a lot, and my brother hates Polish people because of them all in the UK taking jobs (personally I don't have anything against the people, it's our government I hate), and when my Polish friend got brought up my brother said, ''he is a Polish twat, just like the rest'', and my mum's friend happens to be from Poland and she was in the room. She didn't get upset but when she went my mum told my brother that he shouldn't have said that. But he didn't know she was partially Polish.

I actually felt quite embarrassed for my brother - although he doesn't have the same sensitive feelings as I do so he probably didn't care.

If somebody mentioned Autism in a horrible way, I probably wouldn't care because I hate Autism myself and so would just act like I agree with them. But that's my opinion. I don't hate Autistic people, I just hate the disorder itself.

I commented about a bar serving minors and didn't realize I was talking to the bar's owner.

It's true though. I since read online that they once got fined for it.

Well, sometimes those situations can't be helped, because you can't always be expected to get things right all the time.

Here's a few more I'm still trying to learn:

* Greet and respond to greetings with the person's name. It sounds like you don't care about them or are distracted if you just say "Hi" or "Hey" with no name attached to it. It doesn't have to be done all the time, but at least regularly enough so that they know that you know who they are. I have a hard time doing this because I have a problem saying the wrong name, even if I know the right name.

* For your parents, close family, and possibly close friends: if it's their birthday or anniversary or holiday or special occasion or whatever, even if they tell you not to get them a present, even if they know you have very little money, at least give them a card. Or make sure you call and talk to them for a good amount of time.

* If you visit someone and they have a pet, don't spend more time with the pet than you do with the person, no matter how cute that pet is.

1. Do not talk about fight club

2.DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!

I've broken this rule 65734 times. I can't help it. I told my friend me and her dingo will run away and form our own pack.


That just sound random and stilted. It's better to say 'you wouldn't happen to know what the time is?' or simply without mentioning a broken clock, 'could I trouble you for the time?'

If you make a blunder in terms of a word you said (or didn't say, in the case of "thank you") and then you ask a bystander to the situation "did I say / forget to say/ such-and-such??" and the bystander replies "ummm...you mayyy (or might) have..." with a slight smile and chuckle, then 95% of the time you did say / forget to say/ that.

If, on the other hand, the bystander says "no, not that I noticed" then chances are you're OK.

Incidentally, the words "may" and "might" are frequently used as nuanced words, as I pointed out in a separate thread. Examples: "We were thinking, you MIGHT feel more comfortable IF..." or "This MAY not be the best [insert noun] for you." It basically amounts to the speaker telling you to take their suggestion as a command.

Dont bad mouth other peoples tastes in subjective things such as food, music, movies, books, etc. I guess that is fairly obvious, but it took me a long time to stop doing this because I cant understand why people are offended. But finally decided its better to just stop it even if i dont understand. Thats not to say you cant disagree, but keep it general. Example, dont say I dont like this, this and that about metal music (metal fans please dont be offended, just giving an example ), just say im not a fan of metal or something of the like.

No it doesn't - it depends how I say it. I'm good with tone of voice, so I know what I'm on about here.

I'm sure NTs don't want us treading on eggshells around them. They're not that sensitive.

So why do they get so offended? Lot of them don't even tell you they are offended. They just hide it. Some of them will make it obvious by being rude to you or simply ignore you or make some comment back. I learned all this online. "Like if someone told me "Well now you know" "Well now you have" indicates I had insulted them and they are just being nice with their response since they know it wasn't my intent.

Even though this thread has long moved beyond this discussion of trust, someone recently asked me about it in pm, and then asked if I could post content similar to my pm response in this thread. So, here is more on how I believe the NT world deals with trust.

NT's use some pretty imperfect standards - like eye contact (it is hard to make eye contact when lying) - and how they feel about trust actually varies a lot based on culture, what their parents taught, and what their own personal experiences have been.

And then there are all the social rules built to create a level of safety for everyone.

I think a common summary is to assume the best of everyone, but don't be stupid: the NT world assumes that sane and trustworthy people aren't going to ask you to do certain things and, so, doing them when asked is not expected by sane and trustworthy people; only an untrustworthy person would push the issue. Single young women aren't asked to walk alone at night, or with someone they know nothing about, for example, so if a guy asks you to do that, something could be up. People are not expected to sign documents they haven't read (or at least skimmed, depending on what it is), so if someone gets snide when you try to do that, something could be up. And so on.

Since NT's tend to have a lot of social interaction, they can pick up those rules and assumptions from general conversation.

Since Aspies aren't likely to have as much social interaction and also (if my son is any example) may have different social interaction (never conveying that sort of information, or ignoring it when it is there), I would think, it gets much more difficult to know what all the "normal people don't expect" standards are. And, honestly, I can't imagine my son ever thinking or caring about those standards: he fails to see the relevancy, and I see it all go in one ear and out the other. He is 100% trusting, but that scares me, too; he doesn't understand the basic safety rules that are supposed to go with that trust, I have to lay out each safety rule out very precisely, and it's not like I carry a detailed list in my head. His sister, 3 years younger, already has a much better sense of what is and is not considered safe behavior than he does, actually coming home and asking questions about things her friends do that she doesn't think are safe; I think she is going through the natural NT process for learning how to know when to trust, and when not to.

So I think Aspies do need to understand that they are going to have difficulty knowing who to trust, but I still think they cheat themselves from living fully if they just give up and decide they can never trust.

Overall, everyone gets hurt, everyone at some point has their trust betrayed, and there are no perfect systems for preventing it, so you just deal with it. It's not much different than driving in a car: you get in the car because you want to go from place A to place B, and you accept that there is a statistical risk to that. The only "safe" alternative is to stay in your home.

But don't do anything stupid.

Ah interesting. So let's say an aspie was always with people and interacted with people, do you suppose they will pick up on those rules and assumptions?

Probably so since aspies then develop paranoia so they become not trusting anyone and thinks everyone is out to get them.

There are certain people out there who rub me the wrong way and it can be because of their opinions or how they react, or what they do such as if they do drugs or steal and people who also hang out with people who are doing illegal things also rub me the wrong way. All I know is I will not be bailing them out if they chose to put themselves in that position when they had the option to run away from it as it was happening so they got arrested even if they weren't doing it. I told my ex that since he liked to hang out with the wrong group of people when they be doing illegal things such as smoking weed. Why should I waste my money on something that could have been avoided? But now people like my ex's rub me the wrong way due to experience. I just stay away from certain people such as people who are suicidal or people who complain all the time or people who think they are always right or people who say they don't shut up when someone disagrees with them, or people who are offended all the time or get their feelings hurt a lot and always takes things the wrong way. My list of Types of People to Avoid is probably long. They all just give me bad vibes and tell me I would not get along with them and they would piss me off so much and annoy me. I can still like someone but not ever want to be their friend or have conversations with them because they rubbed me the wrong way. Show one thing on my list of Types of People to Avoid, you end up on my bad list.

From time to time, buy a beer, or two, and from time to time, buy a bottle of whiskey.

Don't drink it too fast, like I tend to do, but slowly.

Why? Practice. The average person thinks it is cool to be smart yet the average person tends to dumb himself down by drinking on social
occasions, and aspies tend to avoid drinking for some reason, so when they do drink, they get drunk faster than the average person or tend
not to drink at all and look silly.

Don't act too thick but don't be a smart-arse. Just got to somehow rank in between.

*edit* - unless you're in a situation where you can act a bit thick or too smart.

Last edited by Joe90 on 07 Jan 2012, 10:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

1. Wear a coat in the winter, even if you aren't cold.

2. Blink about once every 3-4 seconds

3. Do not stem in public

4. Limit any topic you talk about to 3 sentences, unless the person demonstrates an interest by asking questions (still struggle with this)

OK, let's cover some ridiculous rules (some of these may only apply in the UK, I think)

If you're a man and you wear a jumper with a shirt and tie underneath, you must have the collars tucked in if the jumper is a higher neck, unless you have your top button is undone or it's a low V-neck (ridiculous, eh?)

If you are waiting for somebody or something near a bench, sit on the bench. For some weird reason you ''look funny'' if you're standing by a bench and not sitting on it (stupid, I know). Unless the bench is wet and people can see it's wet, or if you're fiddling about with your phone or doing something in your bag

If you're a young girl and you're standing about waiting for somebody or something, you must fiddle about with your phone (I know, ain't it f*****g stupid?!)

Don't pace up and down when waiting about, but don't stand too still. This requires practice (once again, it's stupid)

Look into every shop door or windows as you pass

If you're about to miss your bus and so you got to run, make some sign to show why you're running, like keep looking at your watch every 3 to 4 seconds or look ahead with a worried look on your face

Don't EVER cry

Always look focused on everything you do


If you can't be arsed to keep up with these ridiculous rules or if you think they're absolutely stupid and are spending the rest of your life wondering who the f**k thought of these in the beginning, then prepare to be humiliated or grow a thick skin.