The autism social rule book.

Post Reply New Topic

Don't pop your zits or pick your face in public.

Ditto your ears.

Don't reveal to your entire history class that you carry a My Little Pony figure in your backpack. (learned this one today)

Don't pace while lip-synching to your iPod in public.

Maintain your hygiene.

Here is a Golden Rule for you all:

If the human being is so sensitive that he/she gets offended for almost anything you do, even looking at the mirror in the streets regardless of who is around you, then, BY ALL MEANS, you should be offended by almost everything people do to the point where if someone offends you, in any way, you should never talk to that person again, ever. The human being is harmful, evil, but at the same time, he or she doesn't like the way certain people talk or act, then you should put on a mask to avoid getting harmed, but that's about it. You should also have the right to be offended by almost anything.

24 pages of rules, my gosh, and what about your feelings?

Have problems with all of these! Thanks for the advice : )

Got a few more:

- Don't constantly tell long stories
- Organize your thoughts in a sequencial order before attempting to vocalize them
- Use standard vocab in your speech
- Most people don't find your special topic interesting (I have a huge issue with this!)

Itching apparently is not reason enough to scratch in public

This is really good advice. It shows that you guys here really care.

Never forget what you are trying to achieve from a situation.
Example: you are becoming friends with someone at work. Decide if you can be friends without it adversely affecting your job. (This has gotten me into trouble before as things you would rather not share at work can become common knowledge).

Never forget who you are and what you believe in.
Example: fitting in with the NTs is great, unless it means you do or say something you will regret later, sometimes I fall into this trap and if I do something that I'm not OK with morally I can wind up beating myself up about it for months, even if it isn't all that bad.

If an NT is being a total jerk to you, loudly call them out for picking on someone who's inequipped to deal with it. Ask if they intend to punch someone in a wheelchair for dessert. It makes the other NTs respect you for standing up for yourself and see the jerk for what he/she is...plus NTs are even worse with public humiliation than we are so it's great revenge.

hehe well, yeah, that would feel good wouldn't it. Trouble is, society sticks to the tenet of "taking responsibility for your actions" so if you tell an uninformed NT that your "insensitivity" is due to your condition, he might brush it off under that tenet, and continue to press his "attack". But yes, NTs definitely have a certain "code of honour" among them and are over-sensitive to being called out or criticized in front of others, probably more than we Aspies are (although it's often been said that Aspies tend to dislike criticism of any kind - probably b/c it's related to their symptoms and they're already well aware of the issue).

As for your writings on hanging out with work "buddies" - well, to elaborate, I would always be on the lookout for hidden agendas like them just wanting your company for mockery sake, i.e. asking you embarrassing questions based on your perceived oddness. Although, at a recent job I was at, one of my colleagues about my age (in the 30s) had a 5-year-old son who was diagnosed with Aspergers, which he understood well, so when we hung out after work, he wouldn't dare mock the condition or join in any mockery of it (and I confided in him that I had AS).

too bad NT's don't concern themselves with social rules>>>

thanks for all the advise all

I'm an NT (and new here!) but I found this thread pretty interesting and thought I'd throw in some ideas from the other side of the table, so to speak.

-The fastest way to alienate someone is by insulting them. Never say (or imply) anything negative about anyone, even if it's true. There are certain exceptions, such as when you have criticism about something they did which negatively impacted you and you think it's important to discuss it together and reach a resolution. Friends also often joke around by playfully insulting each other- the key here is to make sure it's not something which will actually offend them. Jack's tendency to be late is not particularly embarrassing, so you can laugh about it with him. Maria will probably NOT appreciate your jokes about her weight, though.

People also don't like to hear negative comments about their friends, family, country, cooking, hobbies, education, choices, etc etc etc. Try to keep criticism to an absolute minimum unless there's a practical reason you should speak up about a particular issue.

-Being a positive person is generally well-received. People like small compliments. However, it's possible to overdo this. It comes across as a bit weird if you gush about someone's appearance/intelligence/whatever every time you see them. Listen to NTs complimenting one another and look for patterns. "I like your new shoes! Where did you get them?" is a great compliment. "You're the most perfect, beautiful girl in the world and you bring a smile to my face whenever I see you" is way over the top unless you're talking to your long-term girlfriend or wife.

-Your approach to social situations is much, much more important than the actual content of your interactions with NTs. Let's say Fred loves music I hate, thinks all my favorite TV shows are terrible, and is completely obsessed with trains (I think trains are boring)- but he makes appropriate eye contact, knows the art of friendly banter, and so on. Joe and I have the same taste in everything, but every time I see him he goes on and on about the same topic, won't look at me, and won't let me have a turn to speak. I will absolutely prefer hanging out with Fred. The point I'm trying to make is that you don't have to hide your hobbies or pretend to like things you don't, but DO try to follow social codes.

-If you have a special interest in something or happen to know a lot about some subject, by all means share it! People generally like learning new things. But please, please be careful not to be condescending or pushy about it. Gauge their interest by checking out eye contact, responses (a monotone "mmm-hmm" is negative, follow-up questions are positive), and so on. If they seem bored, change the subject.

-If someone says something you disagree with or know not to be true, feel free to correct them- but NOT rudely. Interrupting with "ugh, no, that's totally wrong. It's blah blah blah" is not okay. Instead, try "that makes sense, but I read the other day that it's actually blah blah blah". Try to validate what they're saying even as you correct it. Otherwise, people will take it personally and think you're challenging them or calling them stupid.

One final thought...

Small talk is just that, small. NTs generally thrive on social interaction and see it as an end in and of itself. We labor under no illusions that its content is always thought-provoking or highly intelligent; we just like being around one another and making each other feel good. Please do NOT assume that NTs are stupid because of this. Many of us are fully capable of engaging in a stimulating discussion about politics or science or whatever. It's just that we recognize that there is a time and a place for this in the social realm.

Too bad people don't actually follow most of these rules.

It would be great if there was a social rule book for NTs With rules such as "always keep a respectful distance to people. Don't invade the personal space of strangers and don't go around touching people. Don't tip anyone's shoulder to get their attention. Don't stand directly behind people and breathe down their neck. If somebody stands in line and keeps a greater distance to those in front of him, don't push him or ask him to take a few steps forward or cut in front of him. Consider that some people need more personal space than others. Also, don't expect anybody to shake hands with you. Not everyone likes to exchange palm sweat and skin bacteria".

When complaining:-

-Always complain about something relavent

-Only complain if you know the other person will strongly agree with you

-Don't complain about everything and anything, as though you're the most dissatisfied person in the whole world. It will drive people away (I've learnt this)


Criticism

No, I'm not just aiming this at Aspies - NTs need to learn this aswell. People do not like being criticised. A little bit of encouragement is fine, a little bit of honesty is fine, a little bit of warning does no harm. Heck, criticism is fine in small doses, but nobody likes a person will criticise at every little thing someone says.

For example, if somebody says that they're going on holiday with some friends or family, don't dictate to them what they ''should'' and ''shouldn't'' do. Instead, just be pleased for them, wish them luck, and keep your opinions to yourself. OK, you can say one or two opinions, but without making them feel like they're doing the wrong thing. Say something like, ''I prefer to do XY myself, but trying out YZ will be a good experience for you....'' or something like that. Not something like, ''oh, no no, you should be doing XY because it's better, why are you going to YZ for? You're actually paying more to do that, and it's not very exciting either....'' because you must remember that everybody likes different things, not all people will like exactly the same things.

And yes, this goes to NTs too, I mean, why should we plant all these rules on Aspies for, making NTs look perfect and Aspies look a***holes? It isn't fair on Aspies. I can name a few NTs who have criticised people to the point of making them feel distressed and fed up with them.

don't worry hunn, women have posted theirs on facebook for the whole world to see.... some with their brothers looking a little to happy to be there... i don't think it could get much worse then that, well maybe the family who were all in the birthing pool. Sorry got hooked to stfuparent, it was like car crash tv, I just couldn't help it.

When I am with people, I imagine inconsciously possible events and outcomes. Most of this events are just completely unlikely to happen, but that fact that I imagine them can stress me. By taking some time to imagine consciously these strange thoughts, and by seeing that they are unlikely, some of the stress go away.

To know if an event is likely to happen or not, take into account what you have already seen yourself, and what you suppose is expected by social rules. You will get an idea of probability. Then ask yourself if you wish this to happen or not. If you wish something you will increase the probability of it to happen, and if you wish that something do not happen, you will decrease the probability. I mean wishing in the sense of inviting yourself and others people. If you are freaking out about something, you may increase the probability because you completely loose control over the influence you have on others and on yourself. So instead of freaking out, just take time to evaluate the probability of the event and what you wish.

For example, if something is likely to happen and you wish it to happen, it will be more likely to happen. If something is very unlikely to happen, if you wish it, it may become just unlikely to happen, but it will not become likely. The influence we have is not big, but it can make the difference. But anyway all of this does not make sense if you do not evalute the probability of the event.

You may get wrong about predicting an event. In this case, don't worry, just pay attention and improvise. Anyway we cannot forsee anything. So when something unexpected happens, if you have time to do this, you can start again evaluating possible outcomes.

Dont end all your posts with "im not sure if thats what im supposed to do or say" "I hope Im not offending people" "am Im reading into this to literally?"

Stop it. we get it. You have aspergers, but pointing it out in every post makes me believe you're one of the "ass burgers" type.

Always snigger at people who are different. Well, not different, but those who look shy. Make them feel more unconfident than they already are by sniggering at them when they come near you. Or stare at them. Or even glare. Show you hate them and make them feel insignificant and make them feel like they have no right to be out because they're shy and lack self-esteem. Public places is for confident extroverted NTs only who love themselves. Public places are not for anyone, they are for extroverts only. Public places are a ''I'm better than you'' compitition. To the empathetic eye, public places are for anyone because not everybody has the choice but to have to go out in order to do most normal everyday tasks like go to work, do shopping, see friends, take kids to school, etc, etc. But to the unempathetic eye (which is what you're supposed to have), public places are for certain people only.

Did you just say ''but that sounds inappropriate!'', and you're absolutely right. So now you've learnt something today - that NTs break social rules too!