First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Hi, Marshall. I've been in that situation several times. Generally I would politely let the person know that I was already fairly confident about my skills in that area and offer to demonstrate what I could do so that they could check that I was doing it correctly. I would avoid sounding arrogant about it, and if the person insisted on showing me anyway, then I would let them.

Some geekier NTs may get satisfaction from showing off their knowledge, but in the workplace most NTs would probably be annoyed at having their time wasted on unnecessary explanations. If they confronted you about "playing dumb" and you replied "but you looked like you were having fun", they would most likely feel that you were mocking them and deliberately wasting their time. This would have a negative effect on their relationship with you. Jenny

Thank you Greentea for starting this!! Excellent thread!

My question for NTs:

How do you judge people so you know how to behave around them - when you should or shouldn't say something, when you should alter something about your behaviour to suit the situation, etc?

I asked my mother this and she advised me to put myself in the person's shoes. I can do that, but only in a rudimentary way, in that I ask myself, how would I feel if someone said X to me? I don't know what goes on in the other person's brain.

I have to actively learn about people, build up a crude picture of what goes on in their head from things they say.

My mother thinks I should do more socializing, but I don't think that's the answer...I've had to use this adaptation even with her. My own mother, who I live with all the time, I have to mechanistically learn about her by memorizing things she says and mentally taking notes.

Mechanicalgirl39, thank you for answering my question. I will try to answer yours.

The way I judge people so I know how to behave around them is I watch how they react to me. If they are reacting positively, I keep doing what I was doing. If they react negatively I think about what kind of negative reaction it was so I can recalibrate my words and actions. Do they seem scared of me? Irritated? Dismissive? Deepending on how they react to what I just did or said, I change and do something different.

Example: I sit down near somebody and they seem to crunch their shoulders together and edge away. That means I have sat too close and they feel like their space is being invaded. I slowly scooch over in the opposite direction until I can see their body relax.

Example: I'm talking to somebody and she glances at her watch. That means there's something she needs to do or somehwere she needs to be and I'm keeping her from it. I wrap up what I was saying (don't stop in mid-sentence) so she can be on her way.

Example: I see a coworker and tell her I may have scored a job interview with one of our company's competitors. (This is assuming I have not signed a non-compete contract.) She purses her lips and slightly vibrates her head. That means I should stop talking immediately, in mid-sentence. Most likely the boss is nearby and I just can't see him.

In all these examples (in any example) a person does X in reaction to me doing Y. What I have to ask myself is WHY did that person do X? I have to assume that it is in reaction to what I did. What my mind is doing is running through a bunch of likely reasons and picking the "best fit" so I can adapt my behaviour. When a person glances at her watch, she needs to get somewhere else in a timely fashion but it's not an emergency. I can finish my sentence. When a person looks stressed about what I'm talking about, it is an emergency and I need to stop talking instantly, mid-sentence.


I have learned (after being on WP for a while) that socializing is a stressful way for AS people to build up a database of reasons why people do what they do and having a huge database is the way to ensure a "best fit" response. You priobably aren't socilaizing enough for this to happen if it's so stressful so your database is small. I have a suggestion which might be totally out of the question or might be an intriguing possibility. Acting lessons. Actors have to learn how to simulate a "best fit" response and teachers teach how to simulate this and what that response should be. Acting lessons build up your database without the stress of worrying about making a wrong move because you are following a literal script, not socializing.

Hi Ghosts, nice to meet you and thank you for your help here!! Feel free to post any questions/wonderings of your own as they come up.

I strongly recommend Psychodrama. It's acting (role-playing, i.e. playing out scenes that happened to you and left you confused about how you acted and how you should've acted), but with the guidance of a trained Psychology therapist. It detects the area of problems in seconds and makes amazing changes in minutes where talk therapy can spend years without spotting where the problem is.

A word of caution, though: it can be painful, when the therapist gives their feedback on your acting, to see how off you are in the vibes you give people in your behavior as an Aspie, and how badly you miss their NT ones. It came as a bit of a shock to me.

Psychodrama can be done in a group, where the other members take on the roles of the people in the scene you create, or alone with the therapist, where the therapist takes on one of the other roles and you use chairs for other roles while you act each of the roles and for practice of the new behaviors you exchange places with the other people.

I really don't intend to offend anyone with my questions, so please do not take them that way. These questions are hurting me morally, so I would like answers.

I have NLD/AS, so I hope I'm not causing too much controversy by posting in here... :P

I am wondering about these questions. Be as straight forward as possible, just how Greentea has been requesting his questions be answered.

Anyone: I have Tourette's Syndrome fairly severely on top of AS/NLD to make my social skills and ability to adapt to our society absolutely splendid. A screaming, clapping, swearing social misfit? What a great way to prove Autism isn't just a form of retardation! But really, when I think about it, I feel like a huge lie. I look at someone in a wheelchair, and I smile as warmly as I can stand because I feel so awkward. I don't want them to know I think it's awkward to see someone with a physical disability. I guess my question is... can any of you, AS or NT, relate to this feeling of having a "fake" disability, even though you know it's real at the same time?

When I see someone who has it worse than me, it doesn't make me realize how good I have it, it makes me realize what a crappy person I am and how stupid I am to not be dealing with my life with a smile on my face like they are. Can anyone else relate to that, either?

I'll post my other questions after you guys get a chance to respond to these.

Moomoo, when I've had to be at hospitals, I've actually felt relieved and reminded that I don't have it that bad... I can walk, see, hear, move my limbs, go on trips, study, talk...

I think the worst aspect of my NLD is that it's an invisible disability, plus it causes people to hate you rather than feel compassion for you, and it's not even recognized in the DSM or by Social Security. It doesn't exist for anyone except the sufferer. So it feels like a fake disability in every sense, indeed, and the fight not to blame myself for my symptoms is a constant, every day, every minute struggle. The only help is being on WP all the time, having this community helps me build a new mentality of not blaming myself, of feeling my NLD+AS IS REAL. But the struggle to keep my AS+NLD real is very hard on my psyche. I've made a huge progress in this regard in the 2 years I've been on WP, though. At least I don't blame myself intellectually anymore, and a lot less unconsciously.

I want to post in response to the conversation that is going on about whether to display knowledge or not. I dont really know but one thing I would like to say is this: NTs misinterpret AS as much as we misinterpret them.

When they see us standing there with a group of people talking about a subject we know a lot about they sometimes think "Arrogant person. They are monopolising that group. I bet they think they are smarter than anyone. They must want to be the alpha."

Whereas the aspie is thinking "Look at all these nice people, they are listening and smiling so they must like me. I like them and I love this topic so much that I want to share my passion with them, I want them to know how great this stuff is. Maybe if Im lucky they will like me as much as the awesome topic."

(Speaking for myself anyway. I can be a big talker with my subjects.)

I know when I am monologuing I can feel all eyes on me and it is like the whole group of people morphs into one person. It is not a group of people that I am talking to but one unit so therefore there is no hierarchy I am addressing, I dont look at people in terms of alpha and beta.

I just see a whole bunch of clothes and hair and eyes and handbags and umbrellas... all people look pretty much the same to me and I will never buy into this idea that one person is superior because they are the alpha. I often notice who the alpha is but I dont care, I just see them as a human who has good social skills, but not superior to anybody.

Moomoo, there are many NLDers here, we have our own "forum" in a sticky on this forum, and we have a very interesting thread running now on first page if you want to join.