Is there any Aspie who wish they are born normal?

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I've read someone saying that the rate between asperger and NT is quite the same when it comes to creativity and not so creative people. Example if only 1% of aspies are creative, similarly 1% of NT are creative.
In other words he's saying that being aspies or NTs makes not much difference in intelligence. If that's the case, I'd surely wish to be NT. I used to worry almost everyday, but if I'm NT, I'm sure I don't need to worry so much. I don't know what you all feel, but to me, NTs live a life with more meaning and happiness. This is what I want.

It's just hard to live in a world where almost everyone around you is naturally social. Sometimes I think to myself, ''why can't I just be like that?'' and I always feel like beating myself up inside because I'm not like the others, social-wise. A wave of envy comes over me, especially when I see one of my younger cousins saying he/she is doing this and that tonight with friends.

But I keep getting this strange envy, where I envy people who are doing what I don't want to do, and it goes round and round in circles, so there is no answer as to why I feel like this, then it gets me into a panic.

I hate parties, and I would rather get ran over by a bus than to get all tarted up and go to a party (simply because I can't dress up, or dance, or drink alcohol, or socialise confidentially), but when I hear about all my cousins going to different parties with their own friends, it makes me jealous, even though...... (repeat this bold sentence until you fall into a loop! )


But I think I know an answer as to why I get so uptight about not being able to go to parties: It's not that I don't want to, it's more because I'm emotionally unable to. I've been to a couple of parties before, and I got diarrhea at both parties and felt very socially phobic, and wanted to go home (and I know it was because of nerves). I'm not putting myself through that state again. But then I worry that I'm missing out, and because 80 percent of 20 year olds go out partying, I feel it's not normal not to go partying.
But then my mum says to me, ''is all this anger and jealousy over parties really necessary? Do you really think parties make up life? Do you really think you're going to meet the right people at a party, where everyone's too wrapped up in their own lives and most are drunk? You have a nice circle of friends who you met at your voluntary work, and you have a nice man who is NT but isn't a party-person, so why worry about missing out on what your cousins are doing? Concentrate on what makes you happy, instead of what makes you unhappy. And even if you was born NT, you still might not necessarily have been a party-person.''
I think she's right.

" I don't exactly have faceblindness - I just don't look at people when they pass, and because I walk so quick I shoot past people I do know, then they're calling me and are probably wondering why I'm always whipping past them, and it makes me appear unfriendly.[/quote]
- I also walk very fast, even though I know it's so unnatural. My mind says, "why go slow when I can walk fast." And also I don't look at the people's faces, both strangers or people I've known or met. Maybe I just try to avoid or scared of talking because I'm not used to open up real conversations. I don't really know. But I hate this kind of personality, seemed I'm programmed to be this way? Or maybe it's because I was never taught how to deal with it.

If I was normal, I would be like all of these other as*holes that I hate so much. It's better to be an honest prick than to be a prick who persists in self-delusion.

It's not that I don't like having conversations with people. I'm always pleased to see someone I know in the street. But the reason why I don't see them whilst walking is because I don't like to look at people who I pass, because that way they look back at me, and I hate people looking at me at the best of times (unless I know them, that's a different thing). And if I look at teenagers, they start shouting silly things at me or something, so usually I look the other way, that way they won't acknowledge me. Once two 16 year old boys walked past me, both dressed in formal suits, and I chose not to look at them because I know what teenage boys are like - if you look at them they will think you fancy them or something. But then one of them started calling my name just after I rushed past, and I realised one of them was my cousin, who I am close to. I felt embarrassed after that, because most close relatives who pass eachother will always recognise eachother, no matter what.

Last edited by Joe90 on 13 Jan 2011, 9:59 am, edited 2 times in total.

If I come across very young kids, I don't mind looking and smiling at them because I know they only look but not really expect me to say anything. With the mothers there, I still like smiling, waving or making cute faces at the kids or babies. But I know, other people can even do better, open up a small talk which I find hard. Small talk should actually be easy but I think my hearts pounding when I try doing that! I did before but really a short small talk, like "so cute!" or "looks so sweet!""how many months old?"
When walking, I actually do look at them - when they are facing elsewhere. Once they face me, I look elsewhere now!
But if they are people I've not seen for a long, long time, I do talk to them, but usually they go off very soon after.

I just wish I didn't have Dyspraxia either - it makes me walk very unsteadily on icy paths, and makes me more prone to slipping more than other people. This is why snow causes me to have panic attacks. I don't think it would if it weren't for my clumsiness.
And the AS part causes the anxiety of slipping over, because of the fear of the embarrassment it causes. Where I come from, we're practically ''not allowed'' to slip on ice (even though it's beyond anyone's control), and anyone who does slip over on ice, they get humiliated and called a ''freak''. Imagine that! Just for slipping on a really lethal patch of ice! It's impossible not to slip on ice. In fact, slipping on ice is as common as sneezing and coughing. So why do NTs make such a big deal out of it?

If my social awkwardness would be gone I'd be the happiest person in the world.. now I'm vastly depressed.

Please see my signatures to learn what I call local language skills which are hard for us to believe and so taboo for NTs that even they refuted them there. I would be posting later about mind reading/social interaction skills.
Also, see the video right in this website about Trans-cranial Magnetic Stimulation about making brain more NT like.

I am egoistic like you. I have had several bad interpersonal relationship because most NT don't respect us due to being about 2 year old socially. So we should be physically strong, that's the only option. It seems very few aspies are like us, most are "nice".

Sometimes, though, I look back at all the stupid things I've done in the past and how I have humiliated myself in a way what others of the same age wouldn't have done, like when I was 14 I banged my arms hard on the table in a restaurant in a temper or something and everyone looked round and it embarrassed my mum. Now I look back and think, ''why did I do that?'' But people have been telling me that I should put all those little things what I done in my childhood behind me and move on, which I am beginning to do. But then sometimes I think, ''Oh, I think I have grown out of doing stupid things by now, I must have done,'' then the next minute I find I have just done something stupid again, and I then feel like kicking myself afterwards. They're nothing like I did in my childhood - they are just minor, but sometimes minor social mistakes go a long way with some NTs, (especially the judgemental type), and then it's stuck with you for weeks. Like the other day at my volunteer job at the charity shop, I was downstairs on the shop floor, and about 25 customers seemed to have come into this one little charity shop, (because it was everything-for-one-pound day in there), so I came rushing upstairs and ran up to my manager, and said in a half-joking voice and a half-frightened voice, ''there's about 25 people down there - I'm staying up here now'', but I was laughing too, and I thought she'd just laugh and not think any more of it. But she glared at me in a funny way, then the next minute I found her talking to another worker and then quickly turned round to me and said, ''uhh, so you're scared of going on the till with lots of people down there?'', still looking at me in an odd way as though she was laughing at me. And the person she was talking to said, ''well, I don't always like too many people down there either'', as though she knew that this judgemental woman was laughing at me, and wanted to make me feel better.
So that's the trouble with me. I can hide my ASDs, and come across as just normal and easy-going and happy, then sometimes I have an ''Aspie moment'' (usually about 3 a week), and then that freaks people out because they know the ''normal'' side of me they see, then when I act out of the ordinary like that, that's when I ''scare'' people, and blow my friendship. WHY do I do these stupid things for?!

No, if I were born normal, the person I am now would essentially be dead. Everything I've worked toward would be in vain. No way would I want that now. Not now that I've attained what I want.

It might be some form of learning disability that keeps them nice after being mistreated so much for so long. For me its a form of evolution that makes me mean to help me survive among the NTs. If I had children I would enroll them into boxing and judo classes at age of five. I would also read to them from books written by Friedrich Nietzsche and Anton LaVey that will be their bed time stories. I would also instill the importance of only the weak attack the lesser opponet the strong take down the more poweful opponent. My parents tried to make me into some polite little lamb all they did was set me up for a beatings at school. It was not until I learned to be a bully did I find the peace I deserved.

I totally agree with you on all this. However, I think that in west bullying is far spread. I will have a thread on this. I have always been in education institution and I would have not been bullied if I had been one of those "nice" aspies. I am egoistic by nature from childhood and I would fidget because of ADHD and my father who also has asperger's would be beat me up daily. He is very decent person but would not be able to control his anger. It happened for eight years. Result I grew up being weak. Being egoistic, physically weak and having the habit of throwing comments without knowing their indirect meaning(both local language, see my signature, and their social implication) made me fit for abuse. Otherwise, I don't think I would have been bullied.
However, there is a straightforward logic for being strong if one has asperger's. One should at least be physically strong or mentally(socially strong) to live in this world. Not being socially strong(having asperger's) means we will unintentionally piss people off and they will take revenge by either socially harming us or accosting us. And when we would have run out of our social currency then they will always accost us.
Besides being strong we should also know what I call local language skills(see my signatures) and mind reading skills (which I will have a thread on later). People are having hard time understanding local language skills, there is only one person here who agrees with me, In fact I was delighted to see he himself showed some understanding of those skills.
It is here http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt128701.html

I'm very much like this. Sometimes when someone makes me angry, and I do not know how to fight back in words, so I bang on the table and run off! I'm a very caring person actually, but when I do not know what to do, I just wanna scream! I feel like badly mistreated or bullied because they talk to each other as casual but I feel I am treated so differently, as a nobody. But I'm glad my wife had been treating me quite well.

You're very fortunate to have a good wife.