Aspergers and women and girls

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Physically I'm female, but mostly I'm just "me". Emotionally and mentally, I have some characteristics of women and others of men.

Most of my clothes growing up were either hand-me-downs or picked by someone else, so I never developed a style of my own. I like my clothes to be comfortable and in mute colors. I used to hate skirts in my teens, but I switched later on. I mostly wear jeans outside and casual comfy dresses or shorts at home. I absolutely hate bra's, but I just have to wear them with some clothes.

Of course for most of my life I had to wear the hejab when leaving the house and really ugly baggy school uniforms. Though they serve you well if you can't be bothered with fashion and you don't keep well with hygiene, which I didn't in my early teens. Now I shower and shave at least every other day, and brush my teeth 2-3 times a day and wash my face and hands about the same.

I keep my hair long; it's thick, frizzy and unmanageable anyway, so most of the time I don't even bother beyond an attempt at brushing it. I only wear make-up for special occasions. I don't like the feel of it and I'm allergic to most things in them. But I do like to dress up every once in while just for myself.

Most of my friends over the years have been female, but we didn't talk about girly stuff much. I'm not good at making friends with either of the sexes, so it depends on who approaches me, and it's been mostly girls, though I'm not sure which group it's easier to talk to for me.

Sexually, I'm not sure where I fit. I'm definitely more attracted to men. I do find women attractive but not in the same way. Plus I usually only personally desire someone if I really like them. I've ever been with one guy and I'm now married to him.

I hate shopping. I'd buy everything online if I could. It's just something I want to get it over and done with. But it's at least an excuse to get me out of the house these days .

I'm an aspie girl, and I'm still a teenager. Oh joy.

I've been one of those standard tomboys my whole life: hated pink, hung out with mostly guys or other tomboys doing guy or tomboy things like skateboarding, FPS games, eat food that either contains carcinogens or large amounts of sugar, etc.
I also am a huge nerd, and I do nerd things like Magic the Gathering; watch Discovery for the Mythbusters, survival, and science shows; read fantasy books; play Myst; watch Doctor Who and actually understand what the heck is going on; etc. When I was little, I was obsessed with things like Dinosaurs and aliens. *shrug*

The only girly things I do are wear girl clothes and makeup when going out to nice places, work at a borderline girly gift store, and be attracted to guys. But I'm also attracted to girls so that one kind of cancels out...

I don't really enjoy doing things with girly girls, because whenever I do, I feel like a guy compared to them. :/
I enjoy being a girl than a guy. I enjoy the challenges and I enjoy the fact that I'm a girl who likes guy stuff, and I like not being expected to be all tough or whatnot. Because then I show them that I actually can match up to them. Muhaha.

However, I do love gay guys. I have a few gay friends and they are HILARIOUS and fantastic to hang out with. And they are very nice, not at all competitive like many guys or many girls are, and I find I relate to them in that we are all just trying constantly to fit in no matter where we go or who we meet. And one of my best gay friends is just as nerdy as I am, so it all works out hahaha

As for my asperger's, I think it's responsible for being such a boyish geek. I mean, generally, it seems that most female aspie and autistics tend to be more "boy-brained" than NT girls. But that's kind of what I like about it, that it makes me different, especially a different girl.

I've never really been interested in being in a relationship with someone. I just don't see it happening. I do still find myself attracted to people, but I never do much about it. I find relationships literally a waste of time rather than pointless. I'd just rather be playing Team Fortress 2 or painting than hanging out and being all intimate or whatever with another person. So my attractions to people don't last very long as a result. Not sure. I know I'm meant to have friends, very good and close friends who will always be there. And I think that is enough for me. Pretty much.

When I was little I played with Barbie dolls and I loved dresses. When I was about 9 I got sick of dresses and Barbie dolls and hung out with mostly boys. I had nothing in common with girls my age, and they all thought I was too weird. Now I'm just a little bit of a girlie girl. I enjoy wearing velvet skirts and wearing makeup, but I also love physical activities like hiking and swimming. I shower every day and wear deodorant. I wash my hair every other day because I dye it. Right now it's black with blood red bangs. My natural hair color is light brown. I'm attracted to men and women. I hate sports. I love art. My favorite type of music is metal, but I also listen to some psychedelic music from the 60's and 70's once in a while. I'm a dork. I'm awkward and annoying sometimes, and I'm a kid at heart. I love animals. I'm a dog magnet, most dogs won't leave me alone, lol! My favorite dog breeds are pugs and English bulldogs. I'm terrified of bees and wasps. I know how to cook. I mean, really cook, not just boiling eggs or microwaving frozen dinners. I'm not too shabby at drawing and painting either. I can get moody, but I think that I'm a nice person. I only have a handful of friends in real life, but a few good friends are all that I need. I can't think of anything else about myself right now, but this is me in a nutshell.

Well I showed enough aspie symptoms(social) to get diagnosed. When I was diagnosed, I had no idea of aspergers, at 18. Once I overcame my mutism, the aspergers showed through. Because I was mute for so long, it made my aspie symptoms show worse then it would have if I never went mute. As I've grown up over the last 4-5 years, I think Im more borderline aspie/NT. I can relate to aspies in many ways but I still don't experience things that many symptoms other aspies suffer from, like sensory issues, motor problems, meltdowns, sensitive body chemistry. Those symptoms(the ones actually have) are extremely mild to the point where its rarely problematic.

Socially, I still feel like an outcast a lot. But I can read social cues pretty decently at this point. I understand humor, I "get it" most of the time. I can relate to many people in very small ways but I dont relate to anyone really most of the way. I can relate to both aspies and NTs, male and females, etc. I have a good number of friends(mostly NTs). I havent known very many aspies and only 1 female aspie(online).

Since I dont know very many female aspies, I wouldnt say I nessarily relate any better to female aspies then I do to aspie males. As for the portrayal of the female aspie that seems to be slowly coming through. I dont really fit half the description most of the time. I did like Rudy Simones Aspergirls was really good. Tony Attwood descriptions emphasized chameleons...nope. He also stated that many aspie females like the caring professions...another huge NOPE. You wouldnt catch me in a caring profession...ever. There's the female aspie interests....literature and horses? NOPE. I hate literature, I stick with the stereotypical nerdy aspie math/science thing.

Genderwise, whenever I take gender tests, it says Im on the gender neutral/slighly masculine side. I guess Im close enough to female where I dont have gender identity issues. I think that even if were born with a brain thats slightly wired for the opposite sex, we dont have gender identity issues because we just grow according to societal standards. Its only if your on the extremer ends of the opposite sex, then theres a problem. But even yet, I think those people might settle for gender neutral cause transgender is still pretty taboo. So I clique with guys slightly better. I only have 1 close girlfriend who I value ALOT because its the first time I ever had a genuine close girlfriend and now I know why women value female connection so much. Unfortunetly for me, its very hard to connect with females, I have other female friends but the connection is often lacking.

Sexuality, I think Im a little bi, but Im only emotionally attracted to men. But Im sure its possible to like a women emotionally just rare. I like both men and women physically. Right now, thats one of my biggest secrets, that I dont tell my friends. Only 1 friend knows and its completely by accident. I dont care about people knowing Im bi, but the reason why Im bi is kinda not something Id want people to know. Whatevas, I dont care about online people who dont know me knowing. I probably post all my secrets on here.

I was diagnosed with AS when I was 12. I was very difficult to diagnose because it was hard to tell if I was on the spectrum or not because of my early history. I had hearing loss due to ear infections and my development started to decline when I was around nine months. I even lost my speech too after I had been babbling. I didn't laugh or smile, nothing. All I did was cried. I still looked at my dad when he talk because his voice was that loud. I could only hear certain sounds. Then when I had tubes put in, I could hear again and boy was I hyper sensitive to noise. My parents couldn't take me anywhere because of the noise and they had to be quiet in their own home because I wasn't used to it. I even didn't do eye contact and my eyes just wander around and I used to take things apart and used to mess with things and focus on objects. I had ritualistic behavior, had OCD behavior like my food needing to be served in a certain way or I'd refuse to eat it, had to take a certain step in each room, I also wrung my hands, I was even good with puzzles. Doctors suspected autism and my parents never bought that diagnoses. I did get diagnosed with it when I was two or three. Then when I was four or five, it got changed to autistic behavior because of my hearing loss. I didn't even start to speak until I was five and then I was easy to understand when I was six.

The first autistic behavior I remember having is hating change. I didn't like change. I remember being new to my school when I was three, I wanted everything to stay the same, I didn't want any change. Even slight change I hated. I would go to school and change everything back. I used to have a memory for detail so I'd even notice a slight change and move it back. But the teachers never gave in and they just kept changing things. After a while I started to accept the change and left it alone. I even played with my toys the same way and I liked patterns. I didn't like things mixed. When I play with these beads I had, I used to put each bead on and they be the same color and none of them mixed. They all be the same colors together and I'd get mad if anyone did it wrong. I take it from them and fix it myself. I was that way with my brothers toys too, all the colors had to match, they couldn't mix. I had other odd behaviors like wearing clothes to bed and shoes, must wear shoes when I watch Betty Boop, must sit in the baby walker when Winnie the Pooh climbs into Rabbits house when I be watching Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree. This is so embarrassing when I type this. I am ashamed of my own autistic behavior from when I was a child so I don't even talk about it. I would cry and get upset if it got disrupted. I even had to sit in the same seat on the bus and I hated it when it get taken. I would always move to that seat when it opened up.

I remember my own sensory issues. I always had to touch everything but I don't know if that was a result from me being deaf in the past so my mind worked that way then. I even sniffed everything too I got a hold of. I used to touch other kids and sniff them too. I also hated wearing socks rolled down so they had to be pulled all the way up. I still sniff things but not people and I don't touch people either. I don't sniff as often like I used to nor touch stuff. I know what stuff feels like so I don't need to touch it. But sometimes I get the urge to do it. So I do it to my own stuff. I still don't like bare feet in my shoes so I will not go bare foot in my sandals. I also hate the feeling of sticky skin so I hate touching it. I even have a hard time touching my own baby when it's hot out because he sweats so his skin gets all sticky. I also don't like wool or other fabrics that are scratchy. I can wear them if I wear something else under it.

I did have friends growing up. The first person I remember was a little girl who lived across the street from me. I was three and she was a bit older than I was. She would come over and hang out with us. I remember I would follow her around and just hang out with her. I would even sit there with her and her friends while they all chat and I just sit there and stare. Then I remember my next friend being Sara who was my age and she and her cousin would come over and play on my swing set. Then me and her were best friends and then we were frenemies. She be mean to me and then use me but I always forgave her meanness and kept playing with her. I also remember having another best friend who was a little bit older than me too and funny thing was I did fine with peer friendships at my house but yet I had a hard time with them outside my home. I was rarely allowed over and I didn't know the rules there so I always broke them according to them. I was also bossy and wanted everything my way. I was hardly flexible in my play. My way was the right way and their way was the wrong way. I just didn't seem to understand everyone had their own ideas and dislikes and I thought they were being weird. I remember having friends in school until age ten, it started to get hard. They no longer wanted to play play ground games and they preferred chit chat. I had a hard time with it. Kids my age no longer had things in common with me because they were all growing up and their interests were changing. I was still a little kid inside me and still played with toys while everyone else was in a rush to grow up.

I did pretend play like dress up, played with my Barbies, played with action figures and match box cars, Brio train set, Lincoln logs, Legos, and I did pretend play with them.

I remember getting obsessed with people and topics, never anything narrow like door knobs or chains or gears on bikes, or wheels on toy cars. I can remember fiddling with objects and liked watching them move and the feeling of it.

I also remember hiding my obsessions because I was embarrassed about them so I never talked about it. Only to certain people I did. Mom never wanted to hear them so I never discussed them with her. Now she says I can talk about them with her but no thanks. I remember talking about my obsessions with my friends in school and with my shrink and school counselor. My obsessions have changed over the years and I never had the same ones from when I was little.

I also had echolalia and still did when I got diagnosed with AS. I don't think I have it anymore.

I also had poor motor skills and needed therapy for it and now they are pretty good. I even noticed how I had a hard time with warm ups when I was in high school but in my senior year, I found them to be easier so it must have been that treadmill I had been walking on that helped my balance.

I used to have meltdowns when I was younger, they were more common in my teens due to anxiety but now they are less now and I don't get them often but my husband considers my outbursts as them. Same as when I argue with him and can't get the thought out of my head. My definition of meltdowns have always meant crying because I be scared or upset. They come from anxiety or stress.

I think everything about me is mild. My anxiety definitely wasn't mild when I was a teen. But then it was when I moved out and when I learned to stay calm. My social skills were pretty bad when I was a kid from the sound of it but I think they're mild now. I think my obsessions are milder too and I am not as inflexible as I used to be.

I don't wear make up and I was never fond of dresses but I still wear them just for the looks but not often. I do wear female clothing and haven't bought any new clothes in years except for work. My clothing sizes vary. I also haven't worn earrings in years. Last time I wore them was on my wedding. I also haven't worn necklaces in years either. I also wear my hair short. I used to have it long but it was too much work and it hurts to brush my hair and even conditioner didn't seem to keep the knots away. So I had it cut short and keep it that way. My mom used to fight to get my hair brushed when I was little and then finally at age six, she had it cut short so it be easier to brush it. I never had long hair again until I was about 15. I had always had shoulder length hair off and on.

Finding a job has always been tough for me. I always figured it was due to lack of experience and I always got lucky when someone decided to hire me. Then I blamed it on the poor economy but come on, why would places be hiring and then not hire you? So obviously it's not the economy and they called someone else for an interview. Maybe they had better job experience or something. I don't know if it's bad luck or my AS. But I know lot of people are having troubles finding work these days because of the economy.


I no longer have friends. Friends got too hard as I got older and now I am an adult so it be creepy to go and hang out with teens or kids. I gave up in my teens because I had a hard time connecting to them and relating. I seem to be good with having acquaintances though but not good with friends. I don't get the social stuff anyway, the chit chat they need to do, the need for parties and having friends over all the time. To me that is just a luxury. Besides I need lot of alone time.


I do have a low sex drive. I didn't get into sex until I was about 19. That was when I would like to have it just to see what it was like. Then I have lost interest in it. It has came and went. I don't view myself as asexual or else I would never have had a sex drive before.

I am also quiet and keep to myself. I open up more when I feel comfortable with people.

My mom does think me having ear infections and hearing loss put me on the spectrum because it changed the wiring of my brain. So maybe I would have been NT or BAP if it didn't happen. But no one knows if I still would have had a speech delay anyway without any hearing loss. Even I don't know how I would have turned out.