Reasons why you don't like eye contact

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I just realised I don't make eye contact when looking in the middle.

I'm like a lot of people here as well. I end up looking at the mouth as I find I often get a very intense feeling that makes me uncomfortable when looking in to people's eyes. I think skilpadde puts it well certain for me the feeling of collapse in the stomach and not being able to focus are very true. Sometimes I just forget to even attempt to look.

I think I've improved, but I still end up in awkward situations a lot because I can't do what people expect. It's still hard to do though. Sometimes I find myself just staring or sometimes I just catch their eye and that tends to make we look away a lot which again leads to more negative reactions. Sometimes I feel it's a lose-lose situation on whether to try it or not.

Here's why I don't like eye contact.


"Hey, what's up? Man, it's a nice day out today isn't it? Bla bla bla bla bla..."

Oh, no. Why on earth did you have to walk up and talk to me? Here I was doing something very important, and now I have to drop it and pay attention to you. Okay, fine. Fake smile in place...nodding and saying "uh-huh" when you stop for breath...just wait it out, hopefully it'll be over soon.

"Hey, up here, look at me."

Now I have to talk to you and look at you the whole time? That's totally distracting. No one does that for me, why do they all expect me to do it for them? This is seriously stressing me out. Fine, whatever. Now I'm fake-smiling and nodding and pretending to care, and I'm looking at you. Happy now?

"Hellooo. Are you getting any of this? Hey, stop staring."

What? First I'm not looking at you enough, now I'm staring?! What's the difference between looking and staring? Do you expect me to break eye contact, look at some other random thing, and then reestablish eye contact every five seconds or so? Great, now I have to remember to do that too. What should I glance at? The clock? No, that's rude. The light? No, it's fluorescent. It's bothering me. The wall! Okay, I'll look at you while randomly glancing at the wall.

"Hey, what are you looking at over there?"

Damn it! I looked at the wall too many times. Now I have to look at other random stuff while also maintaining eye contact. The printer, the computer, the floor, the chair, some lady's hair...

"That's better. So anyway, bla bla bla bla bla and it was really hot out that day, bla bla bla bla and then I updated my Facebook friends, bla bla bla and then my sister married my dog, bla bla..."

Christ! Why are you still talking?! Now I'm running out of things to look at while I also look at you. If there were no consequences, I would seriously consider kneeing you in the groin just to end this stressful, meaningless social encounter. Yikes! Did I just look at your groin? s**t, I hope you didn't notice. Now I have to cover by pretending I was looking at something on the wall behind you. What should I look at? The wall outlet? No, that's down by your ankles...

"Hey! *whistle* Up here."

F*** YOU!

Last edited by Evil_Chuck on 20 Jun 2015, 10:37 am, edited 3 times in total.

Same as a lot of others really, seems a combination of a few things. Firstly it just doesn't feel natural to do; it feels "threatening", at least to the effect that there is an instinctual urge to avoid it; even when I try I can only hear noise when they speak, and my mind goes blank. Sometimes I find myself repeating a word they said so it sinks in and I can try and extrapolate what was said.

I'm not diagnosed in any way and I don't feel it affects my life enough to seek out answers. Came across this whilst looking into how people over came it [eye contact]. All the answers I found don't seem to cut it.

I don't seem to have issue with seeing eyes that look elsewhere or with pictures and tv etc. In fact I find it fascinating to look at faces. Except the moment some one is looking to make eye contact in person.

I feel very exposed, as if my soul was naked. It feels unnatural like a giant bore hole into my body.
I feel judged on eye contact.

I can only look into the eyes of my wife and children in a normal and natural way. That feels great.
I generally cannot maintain eye contact even if I try out of social convention. It's like all eyes are magnets and other peoples eyes repel mine.
During conversation I get a feeling of panic about whether I should try harder and what is expected of me.

On the times I do make eye contact I feel like I must have an insane stare. Some one further back said something about it feeling like a bomb about to go off. Nailed it.

I like the thought of being in a room with everyone in this thread. No pressure.

Nathan.

Some people have told me that my eye contact is quite good, while others have described me as 'shifty-eyed' - in other words, it varies depending on the situation. I find it uncomfortable to maintain for long, and am never quite sure how much eye contact the other person expects. Some people seem to like to stare you down, play a game of chicken to see who can look away first; I've noticed that this is common among those who regard themselves as 'Alpha males'.

The quality of the other person's gaze seems to have a lot to do with it. If I feel that I am being scrutinised I become uncomfortable, at which point I generally break off eye contact. Most unnerving of all are those wear sunglasses while they're talking to you, which is like being looked at by 2 pairs of eyes at once.

In situations where eye contact is prolonged its like my brain freezes up, and I loose track of my thoughts, but if I take breaks by looking in between/just above/below etc their eyes, I'm fine. I not sure how to describe this, but I also unfocus my eyes, so I am giving eye contact, but for me its a fuzzy, less intense view, sort of like gazing.

Yes, I often do this too. It's like withdrawing behind a wall of frosted glass.

It makes me very awkward and uncomfortable. Even with my husband, I often talk to him without actually looking at him.

I have to make a very conscious effort to look at people directly and then if I am trying too hard I end up staring at them which makes me look equally weird. It's a toughie. I try to focus in the middle of their forehead sometimes so that I appear to be looking at them.

^ This is the perfect analogy for me - exactly what I was going to say but you beat me to it Nathan.

But it does depend on the person and the situation. I don't have a problem with maintaining eye contact with close family and very few friends. With others though, there's a conscious awareness of what I'm doing with my eyes and it's quite distracting, especially when I'm doing the talking. Speaking in front of a group of people is the worst, because I have to deal with multiple sets of eyes that are glued to me! When I'm listening it's not so bad, but it's easier to focus on their words when I'm looking elsewhere. There's no 'magnet effect' when I'm looking at eyes that aren't gazing into mine.

Eye contact almost gives me a feeling of embarrassment, or just general discomfort... It's hard to explain. Everyone here summed it up pretty well I think. I even dislike looking at photos of people gazing directly at the camera because it's as if they're actually there, staring at me.

For me, the mouth is the magnet. It never really occurred to me previously, but I don’t even make “normal” eye contact with my wife and children. Oh, I might glance their way and lock eyes for a split second. But, I don’t make sustained contact (i.e. anything > 1 second) with them either. When I look at them, it’s always in the direction of the mouth.

About a year ago, I participated in an eye tracking experiment. The results indicated that my brain has this tendency to seek out the mouth (basically my brain drives a saccade towards the mouth). Those results (from the experiment) seemed consistent with my own observations.

It sounds simplistic but I have always looked at the mouth because that is where the words originate.

Me too, to all of this. But especially this:

It's still a problem, but now it's changed. Until I was in my 20s and forced myself to learn to do it (I read about it and did exercises), the "soul rape" thing happened and my mind when blank.

Now, I don't know what happens. I also don't know when I'm hungry or thirsty, but both still affect me (why am I cranky and tired...oh, it's 3pm and I haven't eaten today). Eye contact has become like that: it affects me, but I am no longer as consciously aware of it. Apparently I also, like some others here, now automatically unfocus my eyes when I look at someone: apparently when I was learning how to do it, this is how I did it. It may have been an only semi-conscious decision.

Anyway, as to the question of non-autistic people who have similar reactions: Yes, there is research out there suggesting that pretty much everyone in the world thinks clearer when they don't make eye contact (I'm on a break at work and can't go searching for it on PubMed just now). So it may be just a matter of degree on the thinking clearly bit.

People with social anxiety, but not autism, also have similar reactions, I hear. But until we have fMRI studies on eye contact with real people across different groups, we can't be really sure if the same reactions are occurring. It seems to be a mixture of things happening in the brain.

I am also very good at staring contests and have been since I was a child. Some others mentioned they can stare easily, too. It seems eye contact can mean different things for us in different contexts.

I also do much more poorly with eye contact in fluorescent lighting, which is where a lot of it has occurred in my life (school, work, etc.). I can't rule that out as a factor. Fluorescent lighting does awful things to me (headaches, nausea, confusion).

Because eyes feel so intense that I can't look, be looked at and hear all at the same time. I usually look elsewhere completely, or when I feel good, I look right between the eyes - much less intense and people can't tell the difference.

When i was a child, i do not remember having much of a problem with eye contact, at least with most people, but i was quite a violent child, as i grew older i slowly stopped looking at peoples eyes, too much input as many others here have already mentioned, the most recent time that i stared into someones eyes was during a breakdown.


Why is it that NT's like looking into peoples eyes?
Just seems so intrusive.

Eye contact is easy for me IF I trust the person I'm talking with. BUT if I don't trust someone to care about me, I freeze if they make eye contact with me...it feels as if they can look inside me and 'see' the real me. The one I keep private and allow out only with certain people.

Also, if I don't trust them, I'm afraid I'll see disgust or repugnance in their eyes.