Handing out "I LOVE YOU" cards at my college

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Janissy
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23 Feb 2014, 8:03 pm

StuffedMarshmallow wrote:
Janissy wrote:
...I do understand that you want to use this as a screening process. However I still think it's a very bad idea. You are going with the assumption that the sort of people who would be compatible friends with you are also the sort of people who would befriend a stranger who handed them an "I Love You" card. This is not a reasonable assumption. Like it or not, saying "I love you" to total strangers is considered an act of mild sexual aggression...

Okay, I understand, what if I only hand these to people who I know a little? I don't want to hand these out to people I know a lot, but what if I have talked to them and have had mild conversations with them, to the point that they know I'm not a sexually aggressive person? If I could somehow let them know I'm not a sexually aggressive person and THEN hand them the card that would be all good, right?


Sorry, no, not ok. That would come across as bait and switch. If you chat up people you know a little and then hand them a card saying "I love you" it would be unspeakably creepy. It would quite possibly be even worse than handing it out to total strangers.

As Startrekker pointed out, you don't actually love them. You don't know them well enough. So why hand them a card saying you do? If you are looking for interesting people, why not hand them something less....intimate. It's just not appropriate between people who don't know each other well. You will attract the people with no sense of boundaries and that is not necessarily the best thing for you. Maybe that's exactly what you want. I don't know. I just don't see this ending well.

How about a card with something on it that is not so intimate or personal? You could select for interesting people with a card that had art on it, a doodle, an odd (but not overly intimate) saying, a cartoon. Pretty much anything that's not I Love You.



fossil_n
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23 Feb 2014, 8:08 pm

No, I imagine it would be worse with people you know just a little bit. Because they have talked to you before, you are no longer a stranger and so they might trust you a bit. Now you are doing something creepy and they can't tell if it is a joke or not. They'll think they have misjudged you, and now may actively avoid you.

You want interesting friends? Think about what makes an interesting friend, then talk to people and see if they do things you think are interesting.



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23 Feb 2014, 8:23 pm

StuffedMarshmallow wrote:
wozeree wrote:
Drehmaschine wrote:
If you are seriously trying to make friends - bad idea. Creepy and just not comfortable for person receiving the cards/creepy random hugging.
If it is for shiggles, and you are just trying to mess with people - potentially funny youtube moments.


Did I miss something? Did you say you were going to hug them too? I would suggest not doing that if so, in that case somebody really might hit you. If you hugged me I might hit you if your frightened me. You didn't say that though, did you?

I never said I was going to hug anyone, someone suggested that. I am considering it though...
What would you do if someone that looked like me walked up to you and said:

"Hi, how are you doing? I'm Andrew and I think you're awesome! I have a card for you *hands card*. Can I have a hug? *Opens arms wide and smiles*"
Andrew isn't my name btw lol


If someone did that to me, no matter what they looked like, I'd say "No!', walk away from them very fast and if I happened to see a police officer or security person, I'd tell them what you'd said and done.



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23 Feb 2014, 9:17 pm

Janissy wrote:
As Startrekker pointed out, you don't actually love them. You don't know them well enough. So why hand them a card saying you do? If you are looking for interesting people, why not hand them something less....intimate. It's just not appropriate between people who don't know each other well. You will attract the people with no sense of boundaries and that is not necessarily the best thing for you. Maybe that's exactly what you want. I don't know. I just don't see this ending well.

How about a card with something on it that is not so intimate or personal? You could select for interesting people with a card that had art on it, a doodle, an odd (but not overly intimate) saying, a cartoon. Pretty much anything that's not I Love You.

I could do that, but I kind of want it to be awkward a little so that the person receiving the card gets a taste of my personality a little.
fossil_n wrote:
No, I imagine it would be worse with people you know just a little bit. Because they have talked to you before, you are no longer a stranger and so they might trust you a bit. Now you are doing something creepy and they can't tell if it is a joke or not. They'll think they have misjudged you, and now may actively avoid you.

You want interesting friends? Think about what makes an interesting friend, then talk to people and see if they do things you think are interesting.

But I have thought about what makes friends interesting! Also, I hate going to the college every day, sitting down for three hours and leaving just to go home just to sit on my computer all day and do nothing except hope that my friends will hang out with me. And I'm always their plan B, they never view me as their first choice, I have even had my best friend come over just to tell me he wants me to drive him to Jack in the Box so he can eat with his other friend, when we have only hung out for less than an hour. I would guess that if someone wanted me to be their friend after I hand them an awkard and weird "I LOVE YOU" card, they wouldn't be as much of a jerk as my friends are now. I have maybe one good friend, and he is super awesome, but we only get to hang out once or twice a month because he is super busy. I need more friends, and not the crappy friends who just want more crappy friends and less "me" friends. I feel like this is a great way to filter out the crappy friends, I think this is what would make someone "interesting".
Marcia wrote:
If someone did that to me, no matter what they looked like, I'd say "No!', walk away from them very fast and if I happened to see a police officer or security person, I'd tell them what you'd said and done.

I can understand that, I think that would make sense and I think that is fair, but I only plan on handing these cards out to guys who are about two years older than me or more. I don't want girl friends. I can understand why you would do that because you are a girl, but I have only had bad, awful experiences with girls as friends, and I don't plan on handing these out to females. I honestly don't think guys and girls at my age can be good friends for long without getting in a relationship or breaking the friendship, that is just my experience. The last girl that was my friend would try and say nasty things to me and talked about how she thought I would "grow up" and want to marry someone when I'm older (she meant herself) and how she needed a boyfriend soooo badly and it was just weird, and when I wouldn't hang out with her more than once a week she would try and shame me and it was just creepy. I am never becoming good friends with a girl again, and I think guys who are two years older than me can accept an "I LOVE YOU" card from a skinny 17 year old who was smart enough to pass the Compass test and make it into college. I think I basically appear as harmless as a cream puff. I am not intimidating, most girls at the college could beat me up, even if I tried to defend myself.


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hanyo
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23 Feb 2014, 9:32 pm

Doing this will likely make someone get aggressive with you or even violent thinking that you are gay and coming on to them or get you in trouble for sexual harassment.



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23 Feb 2014, 9:39 pm

StuffedMarshmallow wrote:
fossil_n wrote:
No, I imagine it would be worse with people you know just a little bit. Because they have talked to you before, you are no longer a stranger and so they might trust you a bit. Now you are doing something creepy and they can't tell if it is a joke or not. They'll think they have misjudged you, and now may actively avoid you.

You want interesting friends? Think about what makes an interesting friend, then talk to people and see if they do things you think are interesting.

But I have thought about what makes friends interesting! Also, I hate going to the college every day, sitting down for three hours and leaving just to go home just to sit on my computer all day and do nothing except hope that my friends will hang out with me. And I'm always their plan B, they never view me as their first choice, I have even had my best friend come over just to tell me he wants me to drive him to Jack in the Box so he can eat with his other friend, when we have only hung out for less than an hour. I would guess that if someone wanted me to be their friend after I hand them an awkard and weird "I LOVE YOU" card, they wouldn't be as much of a jerk as my friends are now. I have maybe one good friend, and he is super awesome, but we only get to hang out once or twice a month because he is super busy. I need more friends, and not the crappy friends who just want more crappy friends and less "me" friends. I feel like this is a great way to filter out the crappy friends, I think this is what would make someone "interesting".


I have struggled with exactly this same problem as well, especially when I was a first-year in college. You say that you hope that your friends will hang out with you, and therein lies the problem. It is exactly the same thing I tend to do, and from talking with therapists, I have learned that I need to be more proactive - instead of waiting for them to invite you to things, ask them to do things with you. If your current friends reject that, look for new friends through student groups, or other community things at your school. You've got the right idea, be more outgoing, but I think you have just gone too far.

Have you considered that the 'friends' you find through the card thing could end up being people who think you are weird and just want to manipulate you for a few laughs? Pretend to be your friend and then set you up for a cruel joke. I can imagine some frat type guys who might do that.



redrobin62
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23 Feb 2014, 9:49 pm

Why do you feel you have to give out these cards?



Sethno
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23 Feb 2014, 9:49 pm

I wonder if the cards would be less dangerous if they simply said "Want to be friends?" and included an e-mail address...one that's been set up just for this experiment (and is NOT one's regular e-mail address)?

This would be far less overwhelming than the words "I Love You" and not as invasive as a suggestion that strangers hug.

This is as far as I can go in saying any of this might work in any way.

The suggestions made by the OP with the cards, the hug offers/requests, and so forth, can NOT come across to strangers as safe.

The OP says he doesn't want normal people as friends, but wants "interesting" friends.

The type of "interesting" people who might want to form a relationship after such invasive approaches are not the type of people anyone should be looking to be friends with. THEY are not safe.


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23 Feb 2014, 10:05 pm

hanyo wrote:
Doing this will likely make someone get aggressive with you or even violent thinking that you are gay and coming on to them or get you in trouble for sexual harassment.

Well I plan on talking with the person first, and making sure they have a positive opinion of me first, and if they show that they don't like me I won't give them the card. I don't think they would hit me if they had a positive opinion of me first.
fossil_n wrote:
I have struggled with exactly this same problem as well, especially when I was a first-year in college. You say that you hope that your friends will hang out with you, and therein lies the problem. It is exactly the same thing I tend to do, and from talking with therapists, I have learned that I need to be more proactive - instead of waiting for them to invite you to things, ask them to do things with you. If your current friends reject that, look for new friends through student groups, or other community things at your school. You've got the right idea, be more outgoing, but I think you have just gone too far.

Have you considered that the 'friends' you find through the card thing could end up being people who think you are weird and just want to manipulate you for a few laughs? Pretend to be your friend and then set you up for a cruel joke. I can imagine some frat type guys who might do that.

I am always the one asking my friends to hang out with me. The only time I wait for my friends to message me and ask to hangout is when I have sent messages to all of them the day before or so.
redrobin62 wrote:
Why do you feel you have to give out these cards?

I feel like I have to give out the cards because:
1. It will be fun, I am always bored.
2. It feels good to do something that requires bravery, this is something I know I can do.
3. I need new, better friends, and maybe, just maybe, I will make a new friend by doing this.
4. It makes me feel less lonely when I go out and talk to people. This would help me feel less lonely.
Sethno wrote:
I wonder if the cards would be less dangerous if they simply said "Want to be friends?" and included an e-mail address...one that's been set up just for this experiment (and is NOT one's regular e-mail address)?

This would be far less overwhelming than the words "I Love You" and not as invasive as a suggestion that strangers hug.

This is as far as I can go in saying any of this might work in any way.

The suggestions made by the OP with the cards, the hug offers/requests, and so forth, can NOT come across to strangers as safe.

The OP says he doesn't want normal people as friends, but wants "interesting" friends.

The type of "interesting" people who might want to form a relationship after such invasive approaches are not the type of people anyone should be looking to be friends with. THEY are not safe.

Can't I somehow get interesting, safe friends? I would be fine with normal friends, but I'm just afraid they will be jerk-butts like some of my friends now.


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23 Feb 2014, 10:18 pm

The "friends" you'd attract by such outrageous methods are not "interesting". They're dangerous, or potentially so.

Safe people would run away from someone using the methods you want to use.

You're going over the top on how people meet and form normal relationships.

Seriously, what you're suggesting sounds like something from a comedy sketch, it's that far off center.

People just do not DO what you're talking about.

We've all tried to warn you, and dude, I'm legitmately afraid for your safety.

PLEASE discuss this with a school counselor before you do it. ANY version of it.

No insult intended, but you're too inexperienced and you aren't listening to people who are interested in your safety.

Do NOT use the methods you've suggested.

There are other ways. Safe ways. Yours just aren't.


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23 Feb 2014, 10:19 pm

Marshmallow: You don't gain friends by starting out of the gate with something unconventional. Instead you will push people away. People will consider you weird. Then you'll be an outcast and lonely.

Like a typical Aspie, you are obsessing over an idea and you won't let go of it, even though we are telling you it is unwise.

Look up online how to make friends, or read Dale Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.



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23 Feb 2014, 10:32 pm

Okay, so I read a really good guide on how to make friends:
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Friends
And I think I can mix some of the steps into my idea to form the ultimate friend making plan :D
So the very first step on this guide I looked up is "spend more time around people". So I think I should start off by just being nice to people I'm currently around in class and stuff, and keep it simple.
Step 5 is "talk to people", so I can do that I think, at this point I still won't give the card out. I will talk to people and be myself and see how that turns out.
Step 7 is "start a conversation". This is where I may hand out the card, it just depends on how everything is going between us. I think the card is a good way to start a conversation. I don't have to give the card out forcefully, I could say "hey I printed off a couple of these cards, would you like one?" And then show them the card 8)
Step 9 is "introduce yourself". I may do step 9 before step 7, it depends on what feels more natural I think, right? Either way, I don't think I should introduce myself with the "I LOVE YOU" card, unless I feel as if it would help me connect with someone who is kind of weird in the first place.
I think if I do these one step at a time, leading up to the hand out, everything will work out as planned :)


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23 Feb 2014, 10:37 pm

If you hand out cards to people at any point before establishing a deep, intimate bond with them the cards should not say "I love you". You could hand out a "wishing you health, happiness and success" card perhaps but not an "I love you" one.



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23 Feb 2014, 10:42 pm

daydreamer84 wrote:
If you hand out cards to people at any point before establishing a deep, intimate bond with them the cards should not say "I love you". You could hand out a "wishing you health, happiness and success" card perhaps but not an "I love you" one.

Okay I can understand that if I only handed them out to girls, but I'm only handing them out to guys though, and aren't people at college WAY more accepting that in High School?


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23 Feb 2014, 11:01 pm

StuffedMarshmallow wrote:
daydreamer84 wrote:
If you hand out cards to people at any point before establishing a deep, intimate bond with them the cards should not say "I love you". You could hand out a "wishing you health, happiness and success" card perhaps but not an "I love you" one.

Okay I can understand that if I only handed them out to girls, but I'm only handing them out to guys though, and aren't people at college WAY more accepting that in High School?


Not necessarily. They may be more accepting in some ways but I don't think this will be accepted. Handing them to guys might be even worse. They might still assume a sexual connotation to "I love you" and you just likely won't attract nice, safe people that way. Giving out "have a great day" or "wishing you good health and happiness" cards would be safer/more likely to attract safe people. It's still an unconventional way to communicate with people but it's not creepy.



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24 Feb 2014, 1:59 am

daydreamer84 wrote:
Not necessarily. They may be more accepting in some ways but I don't think this will be accepted. Handing them to guys might be even worse. They might still assume a sexual connotation to "I love you" and you just likely won't attract nice, safe people that way. Giving out "have a great day" or "wishing you good health and happiness" cards would be safer/more likely to attract safe people. It's still an unconventional way to communicate with people but it's not creepy.

I live in a small town, there are maybe five openly gay guys I have heard of. I kind of do fit the stereotype for one lol, but would a guy smart enough to get into college really attack me if I wasn't being mean? I never attack people I don't find attractive when they tell me dirty things they like about me, I don't understand why a guy who would take this the wrong way would try and attack me, especially in a college environment.


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