So I posted in the infamous AS partners forum for NT's...

Post Reply New Topic

Wouldn't it be grand and great if the gods from above would grant this as so?

I am getting a bit tired of the generalisation. Most people with autism cant read other people's emotions and social cues, some do. It's pathetic to blame only your partner for the divorce after 20 years of marriage. I mean, c'mon... if it is not obvious enough after 1 year of 'dating' that it is never going to work out, then you are an idiot.

It would have taking him overy 40 mins to get ready. My husband has severe executive functioning issues. He wasn't dressed. He would have had to shower (OCD), and never in his uinverse would he just throw some clothes on to help out.

I didn't care about him *helping out*. It's that he goes through life not noticing these situations at all. It killed him at work, school and socially. I really make an effort to do it at home, but sometimes there is no time. Yesterday was really a bad day for him, and sometimes I'll just play stupid NT to see how checked out he is. I didn't even mention the car thing after the fact

The reason I even posted was the OP saying about when someone is crying, and not noticing it. I gave a less emotional example. A family member needing help.

One person usually can't push out a stuck car.
This person is your wife.
The car has to be moved immediately
You shouldn't have to ask your husband to help out in that situation (in the NT world), as most people would recognize it is a minimum two person job. He didn't know if I would have anyone else to help me.

My husband lost his job over different never ending scenarios like the above. He has to be directly told to do what is consider "helpful". If he was 5, his mom would probably have little books of social stories. Why we open doors for people. Why people think weddings, birthdays and other milestone celebrations are important. Why you acknowledge people who die. It could be 20 stories on what society considers important, and if you sort of don't do them, you get judged harshly. And I know plenty on this board will scream "who gives a s**t about any of that". I get it, but that is why my husband has no close friends or a job. The social crap can mean keeping your job vs. getting punted to the curb

I've been married for 30 years. I've never ventured on any of the NT partner groups because they are tiresome. I love my husband, and he is a good dad. I work hard to make our marriage work, and he does too. I feel bad when situations like the car occur. It isn't that he singles me out for not helping, it's he does that to everyone. And helping out in the NT world is huge. Helping as in you offering, not being asked. Don't offer and you get the side eye.

Kiddo just puked...well..that's my day sorted out. Lol...

I am sure this would have started a WWII with another aspie as well. I was lost with this story. I thought aspies were literal so why didn't he do what he was told? Did he not know who him is? Was he lost about what you were saying because he didn't know who him is and what car you were talking about? I would have asked questions if I didn't understand and I am happy to help others if they tell me what they want or ask me a favor.

His executive function challenges must be preventing him from making a seemingly obvious connection. I have this happen sometimes too. I realize an hour or so later what was going on and feel like an idiot.

If you tell him what to do it might help him to know what the expectations are. Depends though, he could also feel bullied.

I did not know this.

I have a funny story that happened a year ago. I was in the basement watching TV and my husband said "I am going to bed soon" and I say okay. Then he said "That means I am going to bed" and I say okay again and keep on watching TV. He laughs and says "I meant I want to go to sleep" and I said "so go to sleep" and he said "I can't with you in here." I then realized that he meant so I said "Oh when you told me you were going to bed soon, you actually meant "Turn off the TV and get out, I am going to bed now" and he laughed and said he didn't mean it like that but I said it's what he wants right.

The next day I am in the basement again watching TV and he says "I am going to bed soon" and I remember the incident that night before so I said "is that your way of telling me "Turn off the TV and leave, I am going to bed now and sleep?" and he laughed and said yes.


I do have a sense of humor.

That's how I see it as well. In fact, I see him being judged by NTs unfairly. Even if they had all the facts, these guys still would regard him the same way. I stand by what I say. I stand by what I said. These guys are schmucks and they expect him to follow social expectations his disability impairs him from following. It is so unreasonable to uphold him to standards that his disability impairs him from meeting which means we have a society that is very inflexible when it comes to their precious social standards even at the cost of one's mental health.

Tawaki's hiding it makes it into a stigma.

Wait a minute, I thought Tawaki told her husband to tell him the car is stuck in the snow. Did I misunderstand something?

I pictured her coming inside and going to her husband saying "Tell him the car is stuck in the snow?" If that were me I would have been confused and asked "what?" so she can give me more information. What car, who is him, tell who, where is the person.

I know what you're talking about? I think for NTs the informational aspect is mixed in with the emotional aspect.

Let me explain. When my wife wants to know when she asks me what time does so and so close she wants me to show that I care about her to volunteer to do it. So, my wife wants the emotional aspect of caring in addition to the information.

If you want me to explain further, I literally will not be able to. I do not understand the rationality behind it. Figuratively, it makes my head spin trying to wrap my mind around. What I am beginning to learn is sometimes in our lives one has to simply just grin and bare it and don't try to understand it.

The disability may prevent him from realizing what is expected. But that is different from someone refusing to comply once they know what is expected.


That might be considered an unreasonable request as it involves social interaction. Better to be task oriented I think. But the thing is, he is never going to learn this, it's not intellectual or emotional. It's a neurological disorder.

I would be asking the same exact questions. My wife leaves out these important details all of the time. It can annoy me sometimes.

League_Girl, what she wanted was an emotional and caring response from him as well as the other guys. Problem, because of his ASD he may not know this or understand this.

OMG, I think I just had a break through in what people mean by taking initiative especially in the workplace. What they're wanting is for you to show that you care about one's co-workers.

My wife has had to teach me and to coach me to offer help to others. Even then, there are times I simply do not notice and it goes right past me. For me, that's another reason. I'm too introspective and in my own head most of the time as you see by all the verbiage I type on here in my different posts.

For NTs, it isn't about the task or the job it is the emotional caring aspect as well.

I am glad I don't have a partner who keeps telling me things that mean something else and then getting mad. I think it might have driven me crazy and no wonder some aspies are so miserable in their marriage. It would feel like he is playing a game with me and being abusive. I think I would have learned over time what certain things mean like "Do you know where the TV remote is?" to "Help me look for it and "What time does (place) close" to "I want you to go there for me" "I am going to bed soon" to "I am going to bed now so get out." I remember someone on the spectrum describing this as word algebra and how you have to memorize what each sentence means. It's like when I had to learn to do multiplication, I had to memorize every problem up to ten times ten. It's the same with idioms and double meanings. But I see it as some autistic people don't have the ability to memorize like how my husband doesn't have the ability to memorize how words are spelled and memorize math problems due to his brain damage so therefore not all autistic people are able to learn this.

My husband has told me he often has to rephrase things. I am not aware of him doing this.

It seems that your husband has much more and more severe issues than autism, Tawaki.
Is he getting some therapy for the severe anxiety?
It seems unfair that you should do eberrything, while he is unable to take on much responsibilities in anything.

oh WOW THANK YOU. Everything makes so much more sense now!
I thought initiative meant "Take your own decisions in your work". So when I was told "you should take more initiative!", I started working on a task I thought had more priority instead on the one I was assigned.
Turns out my boss wasn't so happy with that, and I was absolutely puzzled because I thought they had just told me to do that.

I didn't realize how much clueless I actually am...

I am sure me asking "what?" and then more questions would annoy some NTs after they fail to give me more information. I dumb down what I say when people still don't understand. I will ask what and if they repeat the same line, I then ask more detail questions like "What car and who is him."

I never thought of taking initiative as caring about coworkers.
In my view, it is more about doing useful things without being told to do them.