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Is crying wrong?

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dianthus
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05 Mar 2015, 7:32 am

I don't know why people feel compelled to "do" something when they see someone cry. Most times the last thing I want is someone fussing over me trying to hug me or comfort me. Especially if I'm crying because I'm frustrated or angry. Just goes to show how badly people can misread me.

The way some people respond to crying is really condescending. Like, oh poor baby. Like you instantly become a helpless infant in their eyes. And they think it's their personal responsibility to make you stop. I really hate that.



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05 Mar 2015, 2:19 pm

Girlwithaspergers wrote:
My family yells at me for crying too.


Same here. My mom and my sister both think that whenever I cry, I'm not being masculine enough, which to me, is absolute BS. My mom and my sister both believe in gender roles way too much, but I don't have much to do about it because many people in my area, regardless of gender, believe that human emotion is bad.


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slw1990
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05 Mar 2015, 5:45 pm

dianthus wrote:
I don't know why people feel compelled to "do" something when they see someone cry. Most times the last thing I want is someone fussing over me trying to hug me or comfort me. Especially if I'm crying because I'm frustrated or angry. Just goes to show how badly people can misread me.

The way some people respond to crying is really condescending. Like, oh poor baby. Like you instantly become a helpless infant in their eyes. And they think it's their personal responsibility to make you stop. I really hate that.


I can relate, especially to the first paragraph. It's also frustrating when people ask what's wrong and keep persisting because it's hard to speak when I'm crying. I also don't like the how my voice sounds when I'm crying.

I'm fine with them asking if I'm okay though because I can just nod my head.



B19
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05 Mar 2015, 5:54 pm

To be totally ignored if you are sobbing desperately and appear in need of comfort or support - I saw this happen to a woman who had been viciously assaulted the day before (as I later found out) - must be one of the most invalidating experiences. People just carried on as though this woman was invisible. I was unable to do that, so I sat beside her silently and took her hand in mine and held it gently. After a while she was able to communicate with me and tell me what had happened, and she leaned in against the side of my body for support so I put my arm around her shoulder and sat quietly with her until she wanted to talk, which she did. And I listened.

I know some people reading this will relate that to themselves and being touched and will be horrified, but for this woman it was a positive and powerful experience - her extreme distress was no longer ignored and treated as invisible. To be treated as if one is invisible, in extreme distress, and ignored, is (from my perspective) a form of psychological and emotional abuse, and invalidation on that level can leave lasting damage.



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05 Mar 2015, 5:59 pm

B19 wrote:
To be treated as if one is invisible, in extreme distress, and ignored, is (from my perspective) a form of psychological and emotional abuse, and invalidation on that level can leave lasting damage.

It really is. I cried every day in Grade 5. At first the teacher was concerned. But as it became the norm, everyone ignored it. I cried quietly.



kraftiekortie
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05 Mar 2015, 6:03 pm

Why did you cry then?



androbot01
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05 Mar 2015, 6:07 pm

Undiagnosed autism, no support. Uncontrollable sensory overload. A mother whose interest in me was waning as she pursued a relationship wish my future stepfather.
Grade 5 was when I fist started planning how I could kill myself.



B19
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05 Mar 2015, 6:16 pm

androbot01 wrote:
B19 wrote:
To be treated as if one is invisible, in extreme distress, and ignored, is (from my perspective) a form of psychological and emotional abuse, and invalidation on that level can leave lasting damage.

It really is. I cried every day in Grade 5. At first the teacher was concerned. But as it became the norm, everyone ignored it. I cried quietly.


The deliberate ignoring of obvious distress sends the message: your feelings don't matter; your distress doesn't matter; YOU don't matter. These toxic messages are absorbed into the subconscious (they are too painful to keep at a conscious level) and once embedded there, they can drive a lot of self-sabotaging behaviour based on the internalised beliefs that one's existence doesn't matter. Consciously they bubble up in the form of "I am worthless" thoughts, which play a powerful role in the genesis of depression.

PS: what I have written represents how a psychologist practising from a humanist perspective of psychology would interpret the situation. In contrast, a psychologist practising from a behaviourist perspective (Skinnerism) would say that the behaviour (distress) is to "extinguished" by consistently "not reinforcing" it - ie ignore it and it will go away.



Last edited by B19 on 05 Mar 2015, 6:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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05 Mar 2015, 6:17 pm

If I was born when you were born, and you met me then, who knows---perhaps you might have met a person (me) who understood you!



androbot01
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05 Mar 2015, 6:34 pm

B19 wrote:
androbot01 wrote:
B19 wrote:
To be treated as if one is invisible, in extreme distress, and ignored, is (from my perspective) a form of psychological and emotional abuse, and invalidation on that level can leave lasting damage.

It really is. I cried every day in Grade 5. At first the teacher was concerned. But as it became the norm, everyone ignored it. I cried quietly.


The deliberate ignoring of obvious distress sends the message: your feelings don't matter; your distress doesn't matter; YOU don't matter. These toxic messages are absorbed into the subconscious (they are too painful to keep at a conscious level) and once embedded there, they can drive a lot of self-sabotaging behaviour based on the internalised beliefs that one's existence doesn't matter. Consciously they bubble up in the form of "I am worthless" thoughts, which play a powerful role in the genesis of depression.

It was not long after that I started cutting myself.

Quote:
PS: what I have written represents how a psychologist practising from a humanist perspective of psychology would interpret the situation. In contrast, a psychologist practising from a behaviourist perspective (Skinnerism) would say that the behaviour (distress) is to "extinguished" by consistently "not reinforcing" it - ie ignore it and it will go away.

Skinnerism seems to be the approach taken in my circumstance. I internalized the pain and tried to hide it.

kraftiekortie wrote:
If I was born when you were born, and you met me then, who knows---perhaps you might have met a person (me) who understood you!

Maybe :D



dianthus
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05 Mar 2015, 7:35 pm

slw1990 wrote:
I can relate, especially to the first paragraph. It's also frustrating when people ask what's wrong and keep persisting because it's hard to speak when I'm crying. I also don't like the how my voice sounds when I'm crying.

I'm fine with them asking if I'm okay though because I can just nod my head.


I'm fine with that too. And okay with someone asking if they can get me something, like tissues, or a Coke. Sometimes what I really need is sugar, and I don't have sense enough to realize it until someone asks me.

What bothers me is when people don't even think of practical things like that, and they just want to psychoanalyze.

I also can't speak very well when I'm crying. Partly because it's physically difficult to do so, and partly because I just can't find my words.



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05 Mar 2015, 10:21 pm

B19 wrote:
To be totally ignored if you are sobbing desperately and appear in need of comfort or support - I saw this happen to a woman who had been viciously assaulted the day before (as I later found out) - must be one of the most invalidating experiences. People just carried on as though this woman was invisible. I was unable to do that, so I sat beside her silently and took her hand in mine and held it gently. After a while she was able to communicate with me and tell me what had happened, and she leaned in against the side of my body for support so I put my arm around her shoulder and sat quietly with her until she wanted to talk, which she did. And I listened.

I know some people reading this will relate that to themselves and being touched and will be horrified, but for this woman it was a positive and powerful experience - her extreme distress was no longer ignored and treated as invisible. To be treated as if one is invisible, in extreme distress, and ignored, is (from my perspective) a form of psychological and emotional abuse, and invalidation on that level can leave lasting damage.

I wish there were more people who thought that way!!



MrBear
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19 Apr 2015, 6:29 pm

I think crying is quite good if you are upset. It lets things out.



vercingetorix451
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19 Apr 2015, 8:06 pm

Nothing wrong with crying. Sometimes you just have to get it all out.



Waterfalls
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19 Apr 2015, 8:45 pm

I guess it's wrong if people think it's wrong, but I don't like it.



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19 Apr 2015, 8:47 pm

There's nothing wrong with crying. It's a normal human reaction and often not a sign that we are weak, but a sign that we have been strong for too long. Can't even remember the last time I've cried so guess I've been strong for awhile now


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