Accepting what you missed in life

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Be that as it may......it's still the past, and I still believe that, paradoxically, what you went through prepared you for later times.

In truth, I wish you didn't feel those regrets--but I can't stop you from feeling them. To regret "what could have been," to me, is an exercise in futility (unless you happen to use that regret to better yourself still further).

I've known quite a few people who came from rough backgrounds, and became high achievers. I have encountered some of the sons and daughters of these "high achievers." It seemed to me that they did not achieve as much because they didn't have the "drive" which coming from a rough background engendered. They wallowed in their complacency, instead.

Now....this is hard for me to say...but I am one of those sons. Even though I suffered because of my autism and my Asperger's-like presentation, I rarely had to experience the feeling of being impoverished. My mother grew up in an impoverished situation during the Depression and World War II. She had to go to work to support her mother when she was 17. This drove her to start going to college when I was about 2 years old. It took her about 13 years for her to get her Bachelor's. Then it took her 6 more years for her to get her Master's. She became a therapist with a thriving practice beginning AT AGE 47. I, on the other hand, became complacent, and am still a clerk at the age of 54.

Maybe you had to go through a period of low self-esteem in order to truly gain self-esteem later.

Have you ever heard of the notion that one must suffer before one feels "true" pleasure?

No, I don't put a "positive" slant to everything, though I could understand it if you thought that I did.

I have known people who exude "self-esteem" for quite a long time, before they collapse in the realization that their confidence had no basis in reality.

Fortunately, your situation was just the opposite--you didn't "wear yourself out" thinking you were "hot stuff." As a result, you were able to become "hot stuff" later.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 09 Jun 2015, 5:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I hope you don't think that I believe your notions are somehow invalid, AuntBlabby. I think you're a pretty cool guy, and wish better for you.

thanx

QFT??

Quote
For
Truth

IOW, right on!

KraftKortie:

If there was one area of life that my lack of social skills/attractiveness had a positive impact on, it was probably my decision to get sober. A very close friend of mine from graduate school died over the weekend of alcoholism. People tried to help him, talk to him, do interventions, but he just didn't want to quit drinking. Part of that might have been due to his social success. Every time he drank himself out of a relationship or a job (it happened several times in each area) he could always find a new girlfriend or a new job pretty quickly. I used to really envy him for having those skills. I see now, though, that they might have killed him. He never thought that alcohol was a problem for him because he was always able to easily fix the problems it caused. I wasn't able to do that. I had to get sober because alcohol and drugs were getting me into problems that I couldn't fix.

Near the end of my drinking, I had become delusional enough that I believed the only way romantic relationships got started was for 2 people to get drunk at a bar or party, go off with each other to do what drunk people do, wake up the next morning and make a relationship out of it. Due to that belief, I thought that when I got sober, my chances of ever having another relationship were zero. That didn't scare me as much as it could have because I though my chances of having a relationship at all were zero anyways. Had I been able to function better at life while drinking, I might have continued it.

It is kind of ironic that in spite of my delusional belief, I get sober, and then meet my wife in AA, something that I believed was impossible.

Oh, I thought maybe it stood for Quit F****ng Thinking, which is something I do too much of from time to time.

My childhood and adolescese had both good and bad in it. I'm glad I no longer blame myself as much for screwing up and have come to realize that dwelling on the past only serves as self harm and leads to despair. However I still can't get over things from the past I regret which still have a very real and dire consequence for my forseable future. Namely putting my self in debt by getting a pointless education, marring my ex wife, having children and being stupid enough to let myself be talked in to it.

Congratulations on your sustained sobriety. Twelve step programmes can be tremendously powerful for overcoming addiction, as you have experienced. I have seen many "hopeless cases" turn their lives around.

All of us, by a certain age, know that alcoholic person who is the only person who thinks they don't have a problem, because (as I am sure you know) denial is the hallmark of life in addiction. There is a mnenomic:
"Don't Even No I Am Lying" = denial, and how true that is!

Alcohol blurs reality, and the wonderful clarity that you get back after you are in recovery for a while opens doorways of possibility that would have otherwise remained shut - as happened in your case. It's always a wonderful transition to see and hear about. Recovery is an ongoing process, because the vulnerability remains, and the support that AA makes available has been so life changing for so many, because addicts lack meaningful connections to other people while in the throes of addiction; the connection to others, who have walked 100 miles in your shoes (so to speak) is the unique power of 12 step programmes. Well done you!

I echo what B19 said.

I congratulate you.

I believe you could be of service to others, because of what you went through.

Don't think of it as an obligation. Just kind of "flow into it."

You're probably already of service to others, and you don't even know it.

Yep.....your friend, I would say, served as an object lesson. I still wish he would have remained with us, though.

I don't feel that I've missed out on anything in life. Society isn't much to miss out on.

I know my early youth is gone, but luckily I haven't hit an age where I feel I can't enjoy a happy life being young.

I'm so blessed to have the internet as the ultimate source of information and always optimism is what keeps me sane and going.

I missed having companionship when I was young and carefree.

I used to. I don't any more. I sampled a few of those things; after all, a 'tard could still buy a stag ticket and go to the Homecoming dance. I did not enjoy it. It was not fun for me. Hiking in the woods and reading books and hanging out with my dad and quilting with my grandma was fun. I enjoyed the life I had, even if I was sad because I knew I was a freak and could not figure out why or how to fix it. I did not, looking back, actually miss all that much.

Date rape, promiscuous sex, pregnancy scares at 15 and pregnancy at 17. STDs, drugs significantly more dangerous than marijuana, hiding from the police, and even more peer pressure. All things considered, in truth, I'm sort of glad I missed that.

I still wish I was "normal," because then I would be what the people I care about want to see. But I am not normal. I am me. I would have enjoyed a "normal adolescence" even less than I enjoyed the one I got.

It is interesting that when this topic comes up, we tend to end up going over the negative side of things. Most NTs probably don't experience those things. Maybe I am too optimistic or naive (I am rather clueless about life) but there does seem to be many positive things that go with the NT adolescence. It isn't all bad.

I sure would have liked to have spent less time hating myself because I couldn't fit in. I would have liked to have spent less time depressed believing that I would never get the normal things in life like a job and relationship. Thankfully I did get those things, just not in adolescence. It seems to take me 3 to 6 years longer to get things than my peers.

I wish I could come to believe that promiscuous sex is bad. I know it goes against my religious values. I try to tell myself it is bad. But it still looks like it would be fun.

Make up for experiences by having new ones.