who here is lousy at dealing with anger?

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I have been reading my written report. I apparently have not been dealing with my anger as well as I thought. It is very discomforting.
I went from cowering as a child, to lashing out and turning to bullying for a short time. I stopped when I got my ass kicked. If I ever instigated anything, I got my ass kicked. If they instigated it, I had no trouble taking care of myself. That took two incidences to show me the light.

Came home from the store one night when I was 13. My nose was bloody and a bruise on my cheek. My father thought he was some comedian and made fun of me and that I could have done better until I told him he should have seen the other two guys.

So, I stayed away from it, but, if I could do that to two guys, well, no more. I didn't hurt them badly, But, it was two guys and I was jumped. So, that is not good. I had to get pulled off of one of them.

Not the first time either. Two times when I was in Michigan.

All this brings me to this: At my age, with all the stressors and all, it's coming out. When someone who has only spent 6 hours with you repeats the things you've heard all your life (in great detail I might add), well, it's time to buck up and do something about it.

And, by the way, I am Pissed about it!! LOL

I am 55. I am hoping you do not wait this long. Your life will be so much more rewarding.

Song info: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ecstasy_of_Gold

Singer: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edda_Dell'Orso

Edit: I've always like the music that uses a vocal as an instument and not always words. "Great Gig in the Sky" is another example.

Favorite music quote:
Frank Zappa
"You can't always write a chord ugly enough to say what you want to say, so sometimes you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream."

^^^thanx for tracking all that down lotsa talented singers what you think of vocalise? [think it was Rachmaninoff]. there are versions sung by a wordless vocalist.

Last edited by auntblabby on 26 Apr 2016, 1:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

No, but I worked as a contractor at the largest brasshole center in CONUS: The Pentagon. My employer had a contract to supply hardware, network and software support to the Information Management Support Office, Deputy Chief of Staff--Operations and Plans, Department of the Army--Pentagon, when Gen. Eric Shinseki held that position. Talk about brasshole! I had more respect for the Light Bird I reported to than Shinseki.

^^^

As for my temper, growing up, I dared not show it at any time, unless I wanted my fat arse beat to a pulp by my parents. I've taken clarinets across my knees a few time, especially when I had brothers that wouldn't back off when I got pissed off and was trying to practice. It was even worse when Dad would start in on me for sh!ts and giggles, and I'd fly off at him. I'm like Mom: it'll build up for a long time, then all hell breaks loose. I've always said, if you had to choose between my wrath and the wrath of God, choose the wrath of God, for at least he shows mercy. I don't, and probably never will after I blow up.

^^^ I hope you were able to put a great distance between yourself and those mean people.

Well, my parents are dead, and I don't speak to any of my brothers. After dealing with the asswipe who triggered the flashbacks, I pretty much stay in my room, except when the current asswipe calls and needs a ride. I'm still trying to find a way to tell him to kiss off.

""I am 55. I am hoping you do not wait this long. Your life will be so much more rewarding""

Im now 40, so as far as waiting too long, i may be a little late there! lol... Anyway, i only put up a few instances and how i now deal with anger, but there have been many, many more examples in my life that in essence could have turned me to the bad side , so to speak, even my councilor mentioned she has a hard time understanding why i didnt become someone who in effect hated life and people... All i can say to that is i think to some extent you have a choice, either let the anger control you or you control it, and for myself controlling it just turned to a sadness, confusion and inner pain... Id rather deal with that than hurt others as i know what that feels like and if those angry moments ever do start to arise i think of how i was treated and it tends to stop that feeling arising in its tracks... However, i think at times and the right times it is healthy to portray anger as like with other emotions and body language it is a way of getting your point across when all other avenues fail.. Some people unfortunately dont respond to any other method.. bt for me i tend to stay well clear of those individuals as they tend to feed off such emotions, and for myself that literally starts to shack when under confrontation i certainly try to avoid such instances like the plague! Only from memory was there ever a time i physically retaliated, but it was after an entire year of provocation, again i tried all avenues, but after a year i got fed up, so gave him an ultimatum... I told him he could have 1 swing at me, but make it good because if you dont put me down hell will be unleashed, lets just say he missed and it needed 6 people to get me off him... and he never confronted me again after that.. Ironically i drove past him 2 weeks later and saw him hitching and actually stopped to pick him up, lets just say he was rather confused and a little scared, but only had a good chat, which i mentioned is what we should have done in the first place! He did apologize and said he wouldn't ever do something like that again, and didnt realize how strong i actually was!... Bottom line for me is that due to a highly chemical emotional state i can be a lot stronger than i appear ( and im not small by any means!)... and i dont like those chemical angry feelings rushing through me, so avoid it at all costs and its not who i am, i have way too many morals to waste time with that destructive emotion!

I can't seem to find good ways of dealing with my anger, so it all explodes in me and I start screaming in my head even though my face may look like this: My emotions are raw and childish, so when I feel something, I FEEL something.

^^^
That.

And rationalizing doesn't do much. I mean, not on the moment. I guess that's what emotions are.

I believe that [based on my experience at least] things will get mellower for you as you age. but for a while it'll be hell on wheels.

I get and understand that, i have internalized those feelings myself now and can often seem very stoic, but am feeling very sad/upset inside, but on the outside it just seems i have a resting b***h face thing going on! and no its not easy, but the more practice the easier it becomes, then when things start getting to boiling point because some little a***holes want to see a rise out of you, i try to walk away or atleast remove myself from the situation.. As there is one thing i have noticed amongst many on the spectrum, is that when they are confronted by individuals to react in a physical retaliation is seems that the abuser comes off not so well! Seems there could be a much higher rate of adrenaline released in those on the spectrum than those that are NT. which in effect gives them momentarily somewhat superhuman strength! lol. but seriously, there does seem to be a pattern there and it would make sense..

there were a couple of teenaged male thugs walking on a street near my home, and as I pedaled by on my bike they yelled in my direction, "THAT is DISGUSTING!!" and made all sorts of quasi-vomit noises. part of me thought of them as stinky upright furless 2-legged dogs, and part of me wanted to run back there and run them both over.

^^I often can't walk away, since if I did I would just walk straight out of school and everyone would be confused.

my school experiences made me determined to be a hermit one day.