Were you always 'different' ?

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It sounds like they grew to like and respect you. I have never heard of that happening. It seems like quite an achievement.

Regarding myself, I felt a duality in that there was them and there was me and we were separate. I guess that means I felt different.

Yes, but I don't think I distinctly realized it until I was in my teens. I knew others had more friends and had an easier time making friends, but I didn't know it was because my brain was very different. I didn't know why it was.

But I did weird things and was a difficult child, etc. I'm only now seeing all the ways that autism affected my life.

Oh okay, I had thought last year you mentioned something about your flatmate having schizytype mental breakdowns and things but guess not. Its probably not best to be living in constant fear of the unknown and I wouldn't suggest taking any more anti-depressants, they might act as stimulants for a while, but they can make you feel more depressed after a long while of taking them. All you need is friendship, chocolate and better self esteem. Probably a good thing, that you managed to break out of some unhealthy patterns of the mind like hanging around poor stereotypes and people who don't share your take on life.
Not all of us are so lucky with selecting our living arrangements and co-operating on shared facilities and space. Clearly you have the shared understanding from your family that most of us crave in supporting ourselves and expressing our emotions. Not everyone has the same comfort from our own armchairs and can sleep soundly without someone making an excuse to rudely awaken you.(Like when school was a timed issue). I'd always worry i was late, but then registration lasted half an hour so no one noticed if i crept in. Still, you can sleep better now, knowing that your past problems have been put to rest.
On a job note, the ESA should probably give you more opportunities but like me, they refuse to fund the residential training, for St Loyes, saying it would be costly to bring in new trainers, yes, because we all know they are for a military skills foundation course to channel disabilities into sensible structures to meet XXX criteria on all possible job requirements which don't actually discern, and meet anti-discrimination laws.
Kent has alot of National Trust places, I can't get to any of mine, to actively get my fingers green. Couldn't you apply for something of a door to door attendant or another speciality, because castles don't just supply their own moats, they bring their own tools too. I once hoed a veg garden and deforested most of the perimeter with my bare hands.
Nowadays you need an apprenticeship just to get into the swing of gardening, well, sorry to disappoint the job centre but i have my own back garden handy to plant and do whatever i want with it. The South and South East need more jobs to work on restoration and get a disabled project together, to shape the landscape and grow enough plots to entice more tourists. Too much focus on supplying male gardeners to this task force these days. I'll confess to not having mowed a lawn (as i hate noise) but I wouldn't mind learning hedge blading, sounds more daring. Ear muffs shoul blot it out. Shears and hand saws can be too manually agressive. Unfortunately also, periods can get in the way. PMS can be dangerous in these circumstances, I can't say I'd be alright, becuase i wouldn't be. The loo would probaby be a mile and a half back down to whatever national trust place i go to.

One of my former housemates was formally diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Though I don't believe he's a particularly bad human being, during my time there he smoked at least 40 cigarettes a day in a property where smoking was strictly prohibited. He and another inhabitant clashed on many occasions, which eventually led to the other gentleman's departure from the property in question.

I was employed by the NHS as a business administration apprentice, but I only lasted there for three months before I finally decided to hand my resignation in. I was out of my comfort zone for approximately 60 hours a week, and after a while concluded that I couldn't continue in a role which carried such great responsibility. By the time I arrived in the office, I was completely enervated, my mind was foggy/blank, thus I felt utterly incompetent throughout my time there.

To be honest, reading some of the threads on this forum can be rather depressing. If it's common for many autistics to be unemployable for the majority of their lives, one has to question what is the point. I may not be blessed with high or even average intellect, but I never foresaw such difficulties in terms of employment when I left school nine years ago with 6 GCSEs and 2 A Levels. Sure, my grades were not the best but I know for a fact that there are many individuals out there with worse grades who are currently working for a living. It's now reaching the stage where only nootropics (modafinil seems to liven me up somewhat) and recreational drugs are my only hope of passing as a quirky neurotypical. I worry about those on the spectrum who possess no intellectual gifts, talents or special interests that will enable them to work for a living. I know for certain that I fall into this category.

Fluxotine is probably only used for short bouts of time and anything else is probably best avoided. Paroxetine is sometimes used for anti-anxiety and better sleep patterns. Not sure if you sleep that well.
I think the only gifts anyone can have is that of themselves, no intellect ever starved me of living my life.
It's also great if you enjoy sharing your commodities with other people, but as I hate being in the same room as those who judge and cast down and out town aspersions on everyone they meet, then the thought of not having to trade in my life for work with an office type is satisfying. Which i had ended up dating because he fell onto hard times as did I, and I was the stopgap in his small minded existence of trying hard to fund the straw which broke the camels back or whatever notion it was, actually he was doing 60 hours a week and i witnessed most of the calls he made to clients, like the paperwork, didn't usually do itself either,
being in a tiny office all day gave me some food for thought, until they got me out on outside errands.
If you've got A Levels in business as you said, then can't you use your gift set to follow your leisurely pursuits of work which would obviously be a walk in the park for you, when you've finally located it?

@ Jake et al: It isn't just you. In a small, family-centered community, jobs are tailored to fit the available talent. There's a guy at my grocery store who carries big orders out, but can't tell you where anything is after 20 years there. In the world now mostly governed by corporations, people who don't produce the highest profits are at the mercy of the various aid and charity outlets. Where people can't be replaced by machines, they are treated like part of one, and people are stressed to the limit all the way up into the executive suites.

Last edited by Dear_one on 10 Jul 2017, 5:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have appalling A Levels in Media Studies and Film Studies, but upon reflection they were both terrible choices.

As long as it doesn't affect my performance in the workplace and my emotional well-being, I don't personally mind if others choose to deride me for being somewhat different.

With the exception of customer service and sales positions, I am willing to try almost anything.

If you are currently in employment, I sincerely hope you are deriving satisfaction from whatever it is you are doing.

I had employment before I entered the realm of benefits so I have had time to reflect on it and personally speaking it doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman, if the drive and determination to succeed is there then all well and good; I just think others have succeeded in pulling you down on yourself, and that clearly isn't right. Every job though, requres you to speak and speak affluently, if you're shy you're not giong to find a leg to stand on.
Sales was probably not my best early start in life, but it wasn't a choice I had either, it was all I was given from my view on an ad, no one else told me, as well as contracts for a short time only.
Media and Film studies sounds about as lifesize as my selections in IT at work and subsequently DIDA, much worse.
I however, enjoyed trips abroad with my fellow college mates and that was the only time I came to value some of my close knit collegues. Not so much the teachers lecturing. One got a richearful from me for actively disturbing and critiscising eveything I strove to do, as well as showing me up unabashfully.
It doesn't mater if you're different the point is you're trying. Maybe be more daring and imrpove on your impersonations, like child entertainer or musician. The peter pan complex could be turned to your advantage you know, to suit your complex needs.
We all have some of them, you know.

Last edited by Empathy on 10 Jul 2017, 5:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Verbal communication is generally a struggle of mine, but I can become almost non-verbal when I am extremely stressed, anxious and depressed. Even when I am seemingly fine, I tend to use scripting as I don't process auditory information very well (possibly an undiagnosed CAPD?). I strongly believe that volunteering is a great way for anyone to improve their self-confidence.

Anyway, I believe I have engaged you in a conversation that is perhaps more suited to private messaging, so I will try not to digress anymore.

Sorry everyone!

As long as you don't make this into something overly personal,(and I know you won't because you're not like that), then I will implore you to carry on scripting. Maybe take a tramadol first if you're stressed. Low dose though.
I think it probably appeals to the wider audience anyway. If people always cared about their communication stickies, they'd always worry about being in the doghouse, all the time. Clearly some Americans are so engrossed in their own boring trivial pursuits they don't think about what other people want and the world that surrounds them. You're only offending those who know or feel they're past their sell by date, and society has been forced to move on. Before, you probably needed to tone down the self destructive layerings, but I dont pm that much as I've been told to focus on the bigger picture. That's when you sometimes see good results. Ignore it and the bigger people win.
Btw, I took history, music and textiles. I fell for a model teacher in one of those, and became a display magnet for one and a Piano Soloist for another. Of course I successfully improvised on the last one, so which one did I become a magnet for?

my subpar TOM actually protected me from a lot of things, in retrospect I see this. but yes, I stuck out like a sore thumb.

Good topic! I didn't speak until I was four years old, but I can remember not wanting to be touched back to about two-and-a-half years old. In fact I remember spitting food and really wanting to bite when being fed. I still react as an adult to being touched, although I don't show it, but it's the same sort of feeling as from infancy. Some of my earliest memories from about age two years are of being fascinated by the sounds of birds singing and chirping and of being fascinated by things like illuminated radio dials with all the little divisions and symbols on them. I don't remember an age when I didn't have the symptoms of autism.

This is like saying if the fields weren't alive with music, I probably wouldn't have improvised very well, but i could thanks to the influence of various genres. When you move from a school to a higher school, well, you do lose friends, and some stay your friends for a long time..or so you believe.. when you soon realise they've moved on without you.
The hardest part is when they don't even state the reasons why, they just stop calling.. but I do know why.
I know for instance, my best friend was always hanging around people who were just the bad influences of the party, not with people who could really give a good piece of counselling or honest advice for free. I never liked the show-offs and brag artists of different groups, clearly when you're older and wiser you look back on what might seem like a flawed and isolated existence, until you realise its shaped you into the person you've become and everyone else has grown complacent in theirs.

The more I thought I was different, the more I became different. Because I made myself socially anxious, and I then acted different due to the social anxiety. I was different to begin with, but if I had had more coping skills on how to manage anxiety and just be myself (albeit without offending others too much) I wouldn't have had a problem.

As it was, I was taught how to act, which made me think rigidly of how I must act, not a good thing, and I seemed even more different... had I been taught not to feel nervous the problem would have solved itself and I might not have needed training on how to act.

yes, i always knew i was 'different', and people treated me so.

and my quest to be like 'normal' people just lead me to more pain.

Accepting myself for who i am, different to others, was one of the best things I've ever done.

besides, the one thing everyone has in common is that we're all different, and it's the fact that we're all different that makes us all the same.

It's the differences between us that show us who we are. Love yourself for who you are.

the world would likely be fairly undramatic if we were all the same.