How Does Masking Work?

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Something I can do in a social situation is talk and talk and talk about a single subject that interests me which in turn will prevent the other person from replying as if I dominate the conversation I can prevent the conversation from turning into areas I may try to avoid. I called it "Womens talk", which is really small talk. Is not that I can't communicate. Is more that I feel like I can be on a different wavelength somehow.

Just did a mini mental review of what’s been said so far in this thread, and the thought occurred to me that masking is a bit like trying to paint a picture of something you’ve heard described, but never seen.

In my first post on this thread I asserted that I’m pretty good at it, but the more I look back with focused clarity the less convinced I am by my own assertion.
I’m now thinking that it works just well enough superficially for others to get super-frustrated: the totality of what they experience coming off us doesn’t add up to what they perceive as a consistent whole, and that can be annoying, frustrating, comical, frightening or some combination thereof.
Like mountaingoat’s story of his neighbours lawn: he’s succeeded just well enough to deny her the true explanation that he didn’t perceive her hint as an indirect request: so she thinks he deliberately ignored her request.

”Oh what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive”

That's a good question.
I believe I do have some social skills. I just don't have social intuition. It's like a deaf person who got very skilled in reading mouth movements - I lack the sense intended for the task but I make do with other senses.

I have a huge, ever-updating database of human behaviors and human reactions to my behaviors and in every social situation I kind of calculate social trajectories to choose the preferred one.
The problem is the cost of it: it's a lot of computation, it's exhausting. That's why I need to regularily withdraw. It became a problem after I had kids, your own kids won't let you withdraw for 6-8 hours every day in addition to the same number of hours for sleep.

Its like being in a hypervigilant state and that is not sustainable.

I need to update this again and write another reply to give more information as it is a question which I have to think about my past experiences to answer it properly.

I learn what to say. I mean. The expected replies compared to the questions asked.
For example, if someone says "How are you?" I usually lie and say "Fine thanks" because I would not be able to give a thuthful account of how I feel as sometimes words can't describe feelings. For example, is only after coming onto this site and Krafty put a feeling into words that made sense that I realized I do feel anxiety and have felt lots and lots of it on regular daily occasions when attending school or a place of work etc. I am 47. Think. Most of my life I have been feeling it and knowing when it happens (Usually mornings) and not knowing what it's called, and if the feeling is mixed with stress all I feel is an entangled mix. (I will say that other days I really can be feeling fine and happy within).
Anyway... It is hard to give example, but there are many ways one learns which are masking to become sociable. I used to make myself appear happy and joyful when inside I was not so I was sociable. People bond with a happy person so I would become that happy person. (Now when it worked I would start to be happy because I was interacting and enjoying it. But before that I would be almost petrified to speak as naturally in a social situation I would be a little tense and nurvy and very quiet and wait to be approached rather then approach... Though I still do that!)
Then one day when I was in work on the railways in the early morning, while I had this happy mask on and started to say something like "It's a lovely morning!" (When it was clearly not as it was wet and one of the colder seasons), and a traindriver gave me a mouthful telling me off for appearing so happy.
It really hit me as if someone had put a knife through my heart. I really felt it as the comment had smashed straight through the mask. Now I know he never intended what he said to harm me. Of course not. But it was like from that moment on, the fake happy mask was smashed while I worked there? It was probably less then a year before I left as I started hitting various stressful issues where the smallest thing would become a big thing to me and... Well. I just ended up in a mess. I won't say that this was the start to the difficulties which had me leave the job as I can't say that as it was an accumilation of moments which pushed me into my first burnout (The first one I remember though I came close and had some explosingly tense and stressful moments in the past, but for me, it became the first time I realized that something was up and I was in a mess).

I hope I may have answered your question a little bit.

I got to a point where since they really don't care how 'I am', I just reply with odd vocabulary.

I had to laugh. My Mum is very much like me in her ways. Is like we have similar minds and understand each other, but our strengths are in different places... My Mum is very strong in the English language and she can also pick up other western languages quite well. Me? I am not at all tallented and my English is... Well. If I didn't have such a tallented Mum my English would be soo blinkered and my spelling... It has been a lifetime of adjusting.
But anyway. My Mum... Somewhere in the 1970's to 1980's there was a new local doctor in the doctors surgery and he was fairly young and keen. He saw my Mum passing in the street, and for her it had been one of those days. He smiled and said "How are you?" so she told him! Hahaha! Poor man never ever asked her the "How are you?" question again.

On my English lessons I was told that when asked "How are you", you reply "thank you I'm fine" and it's not a question, it's a ritual, just like replying "you're welcome" to "thank you".

That's the problem. I don't do rituals. Uhmmm. An example, for me Christianity has to be real and has to be the truth. I can learn about writuals and why they started, but if it seems just a ritual, I would not want to do it. I have found Christianity to be real. To me other religions don't have that. There is a "Religious" Christianity which is full of rituals. If I come across a ritual, I have to get to the route of why it started. I sant to know the mechanics of it if that makes sense?

So language rituals... Well. I won't say I struggle, but I may avoid them? I want practical language for communicating with. Why though I like hearing poems, it is not really my thing. I like the fact they are there. Poems and rhymes...And I can make my own for fun, but I would not normally decide to do them without there being a purpose behind them.

Sometjing comes to mind. Jigsaws. If I do a jigsaw I want to glue it to a board and hang it on the wall so I can see the picture of it. My mind works well in pictures. I do not see the point in doing a jigsaw and then putting it back in the box. I hate jigsaws! Soo much mental work which is thrown away when it goes back in the box! For me the best jigsaw is a one piece jigsaw!

Yes magz, the social nuances of saying hi equate to a rhetorical soliliquy requiring a pre-rehearsed regurgitated mantra that never changes. When I answer with odd vocabulary it stops the tape recorder in the asker's head. Some people actually laugh. But I still don't answer the question.. hehe

That's really funny. I have noticed that some people even carry on walking after they ask you how you are without waiting for an answer. To be fair though, others will stop and lock eyes with you, and search your face lengthily with sincere and deep concern. Me for instance.
I don't know which approach you guys would suffer from more

I think if you are a woman most of the job can be achieved just by smiling and nodding. Sad but true - and I used this to my advantage through my life. Laugh when others laugh, even when you have know clue what is going on. Most of this has not always been conscious for me, I only realised I was doing this after my diagnosis.

Eye contact was a tricky one for me, because you only notice it is a thing if you are already doing it. I was more obviously autistic in my teens, then I read in a book about eye contact and started observing others, then tentatively doing it a bit when it felt safe. After this I got less comments about what a weirdo I am. Eye contact was a very conscious learning for me, and if I am getting tired I avoid it more and more.

Mirroring the other's facial expressions during a conversation is also helpful, it makes them feel like you experience the same feelings about the things they are talking about as they do. Again, when I am doing this I usually don't have capacity to focus on what they are saying so there is no way I can truly understand their feelings as I don't know what they are talking about. So I guess that is a huge difference between having and not having social skills as well. Someone with real social skills can do both at the same time.

A lot of it is just observing and copying. You can make a cake out of cardboard that will look exactly the same as one of the fancy cakes in the patisserie, until you really test it.

Another thing: my special interest has been languages since primary school. Most language books give you scenarios, scripts of conversations. When I don't know what to say (which is often or most of the time), I use these scripts, but also sometimes enact reactions I saw from others whom I judge would be competent in similar situation. In the past few years I try to react more and more in a my own genuine way but the environment is often not safe to do this - especially in a professional context. Although ironically these genuine reactions come accross to people as highly dramatic and artificial, for example I like expressinng myself similar to anime characters, because I feel this gives back the truest what I feel inside. I would jump and spin when I am happy, and throw myself around when unhappy with something. I also like drag queens and gow they express themselves. For me when it comes to emotions it is pretty much all or nothing. None of which is particularly tolerated outside my flat.

Now you have said what I was trying to say and not knowing how to say it.

I know for a fact that I am (my intentions, reactions and me as a person) often very misunderstood, and not in the "romantic misunderstood genius way", just in a "this is a very mean unpleasant person" way. I hear the same from other autistics too. It is really sad that even with our best effort we often come across as rude/scary/confusing. A friend of mine told me that she is sometimes afraid because she never knows how I will react to things. It is not like I have ever been angry or agressive or anything of the sort with her, just the sheer unpredictabality of my behaviour from her point of view.

I think a lot of us have the same or very similar experience with masking, although it comes easier for some and more difficult or impossible for others. I think the generally curious, observant type probably finds it easier because, as I said, a lot of it is really just observing people. And it doesn't even have to be in real life, TV shows will do too.
Also, the level of anxiety one is experiencing in social situations is also important. When I was younger I was too overwhelmed/anxious around people to observe anything or really interact with them. My brother, who is also autistic, is still like that, despite only being younger by one year. He is also more visibly autistic. A big difference is that somehow (just guessing how) I managed to build a stronger self-esteem and this reduced my anxiety enough to interact with people, and I realised they are not such a big deal as I had thought before.

Probably most of us could share stories of learning and making mistakes, I am always interested to hear these as they make me realise I am not alone. So thank you for sharing yours.