Think my husband has Aspreger

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No traits are the basis for being on the spectrum (see my thread about common traits).

I am Smelena's mother and I have seen how hard it has been on her to make a NT/Aspie marriage work. But the good thing- it can be done!

I think that you have a lot of tears to shed.

An aspie has such deep feelings that can't be expressed. Be assured that your husband loves you, will remain loyal to you and wants to protect you.

Smelena's husband does not want to admit he is aspie though it is obvious to anyone who knows about the spectrum. Tony Attwood's (Aspie guru ... but nt) says that to force such a diagnosis on him may make the whole structure on which he has built his life tumble. So I think it would be better to let the subject of his aspergers drop for a while.

Smelena has been married for over a decade. She has 3 boys, two of whom have been diagnosed. It was after their diagnosis just a a year ago that made her examine her relationship with her husband in a new light.

At the moment she has decided to travel to Portugal alone to see her friend. She often socialises alone. She and her husband have reached an agreement that she should do these things because he wants her to be happy.

You have had such good advice on this thread eg chatting on line together, stating your needs clearly. I am sure he will want to make you happy even if he doesn't understand why. That is always Smelena's husband's wish: to make her happy.

The trouble with being an NT is that many of us have a need to communicate at a deep level. It is not being over emotional; it is hardwired. We also need acknowledgment, some attention and someone to tell us that we are doing ok. Sometimes we cannot verbalise our needs because we don't understand them.

Aspies have needs. Nt's have needs. The problem is to bringing them together.

You may also need counselling. Smelena has had counselling at Tony Attwood's clinic this year. She has resolved many concerns though counselling needs to continue.

Good luck!

If you look at LEGITIMATE sources! (The DSM or Aspergers own writings(His trumps every other, because he WAS the first to describe it and it is named after him)) You see that it says kids start speaking ON TIME or AHEAD of time! In fact, if you forget that distinction, the current DSM seems to say that HFA and AS are the same thing. Of course, earlier descriptions, and aspergers writings, were more precise.

Even if this isn't a people addiction, it's a problem. Why are you not happy when you are alone? What is it that you need that only others can provide?

I personally think that instant messaging is real interaction and I prefer it to face-to-face talking, but if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. I'd still advise trying it, though- you might be amazed at how well the two of you begin communicating.

Perhaps you could make a deal with your husband where he has a certain amount of time to wind down, then he spends time with you? Autistics and Aspies tend to do well when things are set out clearly like that. Also, as people are saying, it shouldn't be you that has to make all of the compromises.

Platonic, yes, all the sings were there from the beginning, but i though he was just very shy and would open up later. As I said earlier-our relationship was very physical, there was not much time to talk, we were constantly making out/having sex, and we did not live together. i only noticed how hard it was for me when we moved in together

He is not sensitive to sound, light, noise and temperature.

WMS, if the problem is with me, if he is not happy with me, how would i know? he never says anything, he never complains, how can I change things if I dont know what he wants?

Brittany, i understand what you are saying about wanting to be alone after a difficult day. But where do children fall into this? how to you mother? with children there is no room for being alone--no matter how tired you are, you have to spend time with them, you have to talk to them. I dont want my future children to suffer from the father who is not emotionally available

WMS, thanks for a root canal comparison, but what i dont understand that if it is so hard for him to communicate--why did he get in to the relationship with me? I could not possibly know it, and he did. It is not fair to me, if he got into it, he should try and work on it. He should've looked for someone like him, but he wants someone outgoing.

Insomniak, we tried going on dates alone--does not work, he does not talk, i get depressed in the silence, so i started avoiding situations when we are alone-i invite someone else to dinners/movies, trips so i dont go completely insane. When we are not alone, it is fine, because i can talk to someone else.

Helena, thank you, i will definitely buy that book! But now I really dont know if it makes sense for us to stay together, if this condition is inherited by our child i will probably loose my mid, i dont know if we should have kids, because this is just not my idea of happiness and i doubt i will ever learn how to live like this. I do love him with all my heard and it hurts when i think about leaving, but i dont see any other choice. I grew up in a family with to phone lines--we all love to talk, the record is 13 hours on the phone by my brother (talking to his girlfriend), this is the life i know and love, i will never learn how to live in silence and be happy

fivecents--i am 29, not that young, and this is my second marriage, so i have something to compare to. And I totally do not agree that women should look elsewhere to fill their emotional needs, this is so not true! my parents are together 30 years, they talk every evening, they talk at dinner, they talk in the car, they are very close.


Who AM I-Most of the people are not happy alone, most people want to socialize, i grew up in a big, lound family, i never had privacy and i loved it, everyone in my family communicates, talk, jokes, laughs, this is what i am used to. My first husband talked all the time. i really miss it! i miss talking in bed before falling asleep, to me it is very intimate, it calms me down.
It is not people addiction--it is need to communicate. Again, i had a miscarriage, and he could not comfort me, he could not even tell me it was going to be fine, nothing! you know how hard it is?
How would text messaging and email help in this case? I need him to support me during hard moments

How do joint decisions get taken about dwelling, holidays, children's education, not to mention mutual enrichment and advice when there is no conversation whatsoever?

Greentea--in that case there is talking--he disagrees with what i suggest by saying no, no matter what it is, and then we spend 3 hours arguing about it. So i guess i forgot one important part--he does talk when he argues, not in many words, but he LOVES arguing, no matter what it is. it seems to be the only was he can communicate. And since i dont like to argue and do not encourage it, we dont talk.
Again, this is not specific to me--the same behavior at work, his coworkers are complaining about the same thing.

Ask. Ask him if he'd be able to give them that. Lay out what would be required infront of him. Presented in stark terms, he may say he wouldn't be able to do it. The other option is to be a stay-at-home mom. He's a doctor, he probably has a pretty good income. In most places, that might be enough, but you're in NYC, so I don't know if that's financially viable for you.

Because he likes being with you? I occasionally get this with my wife - I'll sit at the other end of the sofa, pottering with my PDA or something, and then an hour later want to go to bed, and she'll ask "why didn't we spend any time together?" and I'll say "but we did!" It's a different perception - just being in her presence is enough for me a lot of the time, and it is comforting and emotionally fulfilling for me. It's not enough for her, though. He may be getting more from your relationship than you realise.

Please avoid getting into a blame game. The situation you find yourself in is nobody's fault, it's just unfortunate. He probably didn't even realise (especially as he's unwilling to look at Asperger's as a possibility) that his needs and desires are not what most people would want. You don't point out something you don't even realise is abnormal, and I doubt he did realise that what he wanted was abnormal.

If you're looking for people to give you permission to divorce (and it sounds like that may be what you want), you're unlikely to find that here. That's a decision only you can make. We can lay out infront of you what's likely to happen in different scenarios, different coping strategies, and hope that he accepts his potential condition and tries to accommodate you better. But that's all we can do - major decisions like whether to stay with your husband are things that we just don't know enough about. I would say see if you can make any coping strategies work, give him some time and get him a book or two on AS (but don't push it - if that's what Attwood recommends, I'd go with it), and see what happens. If you're not able to make things work... then you'll know. We can't say when that time'll arrive for sure, nor if divorce is the appropriate decision for you or not.

Has anyone told him this is unacceptable? You know, AS can explain a lot of behaviors, but it doesn't excuse someone from certain things either. Just as there are people who're... a bit aggressive and unpleasant amongst NTs, there are also some with AS who're just.. not nice. I mean, if no one's ever told him this is an unacceptable way of communicating, then he may have an excuse - we don't have the social radar that might tell us that. But if he's been told, repeatedly, and persists, then that's just being a bit of a prick.

If you ask me your husband evidently loves you very much. You said that he liked you to stay in the same room as him, even though there wasn't a lot of talking. To me this suggests that he really enjoys just being in your presence, and anyways, in a way I can see his view. Talking of no reason is kinda pointless if you ask me (though this is coming from a aspie).

I would recommend that you just slowly get him to talk, like ask for his opinions and things, just force him gently into having to speak. And as for even thinking of breaking up with him I'll tell you now, don't do it. He appears to love you very much and you would hurt both yourself and him greatly if you did.

Well theres my 2c.

Guys, thank you all so much for your help, and thank you for the reading
I will try to work things out, ask him to seek therapy, read on it and try to work on our relationship. If he does not respond, i really dont know what to do. He needs to at realize that i am not happy because of his behavior. his opinion is--i am depressed, need to take antidepressants, he does not understand that his not talking can be such a huge problem for, he cant see it.
i talked to him mom about it, she said that she was very upset about the lack of communication, but never told him that, and never took him to a specialist.

you know, it is so funny--he calls me all the time from work and does not say anything, but keeps calling. I think he likes it when i talk, but does not want to talk himself.

he is a medical resident, so staying at home is not an option for me and regardless--i think a child need to have love and compassion from both parents, not just one. thats why you get married in the first place
i will try to find couples like us in real life-i think it would help if he could meet someone like him,

nocontrol--i tried to get him to talk, asking questions, opinions, most of the times he shakes his shoulders in response or the most i can get out of him is yes or no, or whatever.

Hello,

I've been sick and normally would have written more. My Mum, NannaRob, wrote well - I couldn't have put it better myself.

I went to a support group for spouses married to Aspies (unfortunately I was sick and missed the second meeting yesterday ). Click below to read the thread.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt47574.html

I definantly recommend counselling for you and your husband. If your husband won't go, go by yourself. Mine wouldn't come so I went by myself and we are doing well.

Regards
Helen

Thank you, Smelena, i guess i have to make a decision now--am I in or am I out. Right now it does not look good--he is in total denial that there is a problem

hey, i totally hear what your saying about your husband... mine sounds somewhat similar... his brother has aspergers... DOes that make him more suseptable? he's always been so quiet. Yes & no answers... almost have to twist his arm to get him to speak. People often think he's having a horrible time because he's depressed looking or absent looking in public. Also facinated with computers, medical stuff... is able to go a whole day without saying anything.. Doesn't get that I need and love phsyical contact, that its a way that I want to express myself to him... He's been better lately, but it can be so hurtful when rejected. He wants minimal to nothing to do with my family which hurts, but i guess i can choose to be miserable about it or not...went to a family xmas by myself today... really sucked without him and i felt like a third wheel hangin out with my sister and her BF. What a looser i feel when I have to tell everyone he just doesn't wan tto come. I'm tired of lying for him to say he was sick so that my family wouldn't think he's being rude.... when we're out he looks at the ground instead of making conversation with ppl. If it's his best friend or the one side of his family he totally warms up, but anything to do with my family he just says "i don't want to go --just don't feel like it" and he doesn't understand at all why i get upset and mad. I feel like i've tried almost everything --getting mad, asking him so nicely, tell him that people genuinely care to see him, etc , etc, and he shuts me out. --in every other way he's amazing but wants nothing to do with my friends/life outside of our togetherness in home i guess. i don't know what to do... newly married and feeling overwhelmed.

I understand - really I do. It's so very complicated.

You have to understand, he doesn't get it - I know I don't when I have to deal with it in "real time*. Social situations, particularly "loaded" social stuff (like family gatherings) are very difficult and uncomfortable. It's not that he doesn't care about you - he probably cares deeply and unreseveredly about you. What he can't connect with (as I cannot) is the sort of second-tier "implied connection" in familial circumstances. A lot of NT-folk expect that when someone enters their lives they accept not only you but also your entire family as part of the package. An AS person doesn't see the world that way - we see *you* and only you. The rest of the package doesn't even enter our thoughts (and if I don't like Aunt Martha I'll probably tell you that bluntly).

We don't (or at least I don't) perceive my partner's family as "automatic" friends - they're strangers, even if they're related by blood to someone I care about. Interacting with strangers is very, very unsettling, and I'll do just about anything to avoid placing myself in a position where I'd be judged by people I don't know. What you might see as a harmless social event would be, for me, a terrifying encounter with people I do not know or trust.

I understand that you want your significant other to be "normal" - to behave in a way that your family and friends will accept. It just doesn't work that way. I wish I could tell you that your fella will "get better", but he probably won't - he is who he is, and if he's truly AS then he's never going to be able to really understand your implied expectations of him in these situations.

On the other hand, while the "public perception" issue may be difficult to accept, you should try to see that he most likely loves you 110% more than an NT person might ever be capable of, and that you may literally mean the world to him even if he can't express it directly in words or deeds. AS folk love unreservedly, and un-judgmentally (that has been my experience at any rate).

We are not easy to live with, because we don't fit in with the rest of the world and misunderstand many of the signals that others take for granted, but we are honest and caring, and I believe we give ourselves over to those we choose to love without reservation.

Be forgiving of things that are unimportant (who cares if Uncle Al is annoyed that your fella was "not up to coming to the party"). If you are happy in your private moments, then that's all that matters.

Nick

Your experiences at the beginning of your relationship are an exact copy of me and my fiancee. She thought I was just very shy and would open up; "come out of my shell" so to speak. Our relationship was very physical at first too and since we did not live together (although I was over at her place for half the week at a time), we truly did not know each other's way of operating.

It's amazing what the throes of new love will do to blind the senses. My fiancee and I are trying extremely hard to find the right balance of "me time" and "us time." It does take a lot of compromise on both our parts, but I think that it is well worth it because it helps me practice socially and gives her a chance to be wonderfully supportive.

Hopefully, if you decide to go to counselling/therapy your husband will be persuaded to compromise more with you and you'll see what he's going through too. The keyword here is: COMMUNICATION; learn to speak aspie and have your husband learn to interpret NT.