Cruel(lest) ways you've been rejected?

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If anything, my problem is that I assume that everyone is as benign as I am - that if I have shown no aggression or ill-will towards them, then they will have no reason to do so towards me. It's almost like NTs don't recognise a friendly, non-agressive attitude unless the person is actively sucking up to them (except that they they think that you're sexually attracted...?)

edit: LabPet said something similar already.

Last edited by LKL on 01 Mar 2009, 3:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

Oh, gods. That sounds really quite awful.

Thanks for reading some of ours as well. While it will likely cannot eliminate the pain totally, talking about it with people who can relate to what you have been / are going through can certainly take the edge off.



It's easy to persecute that which one does not understand. And society by and large has been conditioned - almost from birth it seems - that "different" automatically means "bad". And in true pack fashion, they attempt to cull it.



Maybe that explains why I drink so much coffee. I know that happens when I go to sleep, too.

Speaking of coffee...

There are two I recall particularly vividly.

One time, I was about 16 and I started talking to this guy, who was about a year older, on the bus to school. I ended up joining the Buddhist group he belonged to, and basically he was one of the first guys I'd met that I felt I could talk to. And we were hanging out together most of our free time. And I thought things were heading, you know, beyond the platonic level. And he did kiss me at one point (although he later claimed I 'forced myself' on him). And his family assumed we were an item. Turned out what was happening was that while he was spending most of his time with me - discussing Nietszche, watching werewolf movies, swapping mixtapes and pondering aloud about the meaning of life - he was sleeping weekends with another woman (divorced, 10 years older than me, two small children).

When I finally sat down and said, look, you know I have feelings for you, I'd like to know where I stand and if you still want me around, he was very sweet and hugged me and said yes, he did love me, just not that way...and went and told the other woman all about my funny little 'schoolgirl crush' on him, whereupon she came onto me warning me to keep my claws off him. In the end, he wrote me a scathing letter, which was basically heavy on the theory that the age gap between us was too great(! !!) because I was obviously too young and naive to realize what relationships were all about.

The other incident particularly hurt because it involved (alleged) adults. In a former job, I worked in a largish open-plan office of about twenty-odd people. I got on reasonably well with most of them...until two new girls joined. Suddenly, virtually overnight, I found myself ostracized by the people who'd up until then been friendly to me. The worst part was when these two decided they were going to pep up the social life of the office by organizing events. To which everyone was invited...well, nearly everyone. They were careful to omit anyone who wasn't young and pretty and 'normal' enough for them. So they invited everyone except two older members of staff, a disabled girl with a plate in her head, the very fat boss...and me. The thing was, I sat across a desk from the social queen bees, so I had to listen to them organizing all this stuff.

One Christmas, I had to sit through a series of phone conversations in which, several people who were invited to the party from our office having dropped out due to family obligations, they phoned round other offices to make up the spaces. There was one conversation where I could hear the person on the other end of the line asking why they hadn't invited me, and Queen Bee looked pointedly across the desk straight into my face and said 'That thing? No, I don't think so.'

There were tons of other nasty occurrences, and because I knew they treated all the office outcasts the same (they used to go through the fat boss's purse when she was in the bathroom, and when the girl with the plate in her head was out of earshot they'd have long involved discussions of how bad her vagina supposedly smelled) I lived in absolute terror of what they'd do to me next. And at the same time, unspecified complaints were made about me and my work, which I couldn't refute because nobody would tell me what they were. So I was basically 'on your best behavior or else we'll take action against you', and they could do what they liked. Bearing in mind my first marriage was going through the crapper at the same time, those were two of the worst and loneliest years of my life, and they only ended when the girls in question got promoted elsewhere. (Yes, you heard, promoted. Yuck. If I'd been in a union then like I am now, people would have ended up fired. Probably not for what they did to me, but certainly for what they did to the disabled girl, and I feel ashamed that I didn't speak up about that.)

I worry at how society these days seems to regard bullying as an OK thing, as 'just part of life' or as 'character building' or any of that other crap. The general tone of TV, where so many programmes are based on ridiculing and humiliating people. The fact that a lot of 'comedy' (in quotes because comedy is, you know, supposed to be funny and much of it isn't) is based on this kind of thing too.

'Different-means-bad' seems to me, LordKristov, to be one of our most primitive instincts. It might have had a use once but, like the urge to hit anyone who annoys you or the urge to have sex with anyone you find attractive, it needs to be curbed for us to live in a civilised society.

This reminds me of something. In my own case, trying to understand people and situations, I read countless books about psychology and spirituality. I kept reading, over and over again, that if one exudes "positive vibes", one will automatically draw the right people. Many of these books claim that there is some kind of "flaw"- either negativity, selfishness, lack of confidence or whatever- in those people that draw takers and and cruel behavior to them. I spent years working on my self, trying to exude good vibrations, be a good person, etc. I did self analysis, meditation, worked on my "vibration", tried to be positive, aimed for perfection, and even attempted to visualize protective circles of white light around me to keep myself safe from harm. Meanwhile, I couldn´t seem to help the fact that I was becoming more and more resentful of the fact that other people didn´t seem to work as hard as me on these things, and yet they didn´t go through all these difficult experiences...in fact, their lives seemed so easy! I had to finally admit that all that self help stuff was just a crock and something else was at work here.

Yes. At least here we don't have to defend and swear to God that we got the cruel treatment without having done anything cruel ourselves before. Here people understand what causes the cruelty. NTs have no idea what causes the cruel rejections of us Aspies.

And if any of you have had the cruel experiences I've had when telling someone about cruel rejections I've been the object of, you know better than sharing these stories with NTs anymore. I've become so used to having to hide it, having to make excuses for the cruel rejecter so I won't be found out in my victimhood, having to grieve alone when no one's looking, having to pretend I'm fine and nothing happened, that now that I'm grieving the loss of my mother 10 days ago and I can be sad in public for my loss, I realize how different life would be for me if it was OK to share these stories and I didn't have to hide my enormeous pain when they happen.

For some of us, this thread is the first opportunity we have to uncover some long-hidden and infected wounds that we never thought we'd have the opportunity to share and be really understood.

Morgana, ditto to every word! And I thought I was alone in this! I started buying self-help books in my teenage years already, and devouring them, and with the typical Aspie tenacity and perseverance, I applied each and every rule in them, then all that my therapists told me I'd apply to a T, and then the resentment started growing and growing, same as you mention. Mostly, the resentment because I had made myself practically a Mother Theresa in the pursuit of not being so massively rejected. Kinder, kinder, kinder, kinder! said the self-help books, the therapists, the family, the NewAge stuff. Then my mother became sick with a horrible illness and my siblings abandoned her (after she'd given her life to them) and they're the most popular people you can imagine, everyone adores and follows them. And I was still trying to be kinder and kinder. Then one day it dawned on me all of a sudden, as you mention, and I threw out all that I had learned - and proclaimed myself "as Ok as anyone else". Shortly afterwards God had mercy on me and made me stumble upon Asperger's and WrongPlanet.

A friend would not pull that kind of crap. Looking back, I know the only reason I had for a lot of my high school acquaintances to associate was a) I had a car, and b) I was going to put up with crap.
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Oops, the above should have been a quote in white, screwed up again....anyway-

I agree; a real friend would not do those kinds of things. These people are what my mother calls "fair-weather friends"- (I heard the term a lot when I was a child growing up, because I had quite a few "fair weather friends". My Mom could usually see what was going on, even if I couldn´t always). This was like the time when I was in 6th grade, and over at my best friends house, when she got a call to play at another girl´s house. She asked her mother if she could go, but her mother said no because I was over. At which point she said "ugh, I can play with her any old day". At which point I left, leaving her free to play with her friend...and never returned again. She never bothered to renew the connection, or even offer an explanation or an apology...so...that was that.

As a woman, I had a friend for awhile who would always make social plans with me, then would often back out at the last minute and say she was tired or something. It took me awhile to learn that she would make plans with me, until something "better" came along, at which point she would cancel. That is the definition of a fair-weather friend; they´ll hang out with you if there´s nothing else to do. I guess part of the reason for this might be that NTs hate to be alone. Luckily I don´t have this problem....

Reading this thread reminded me of another experience I had in 5th grade, which I had completely forgotten and blanked out. But I used to hang out with these 2 girls in school. I thought they were cool and funny, and they made me laugh. One day, they were being kind of hard on me, but I thought they were being funny so I kept laughing. I guess I wasn´t getting the hint, so they had to say, in no uncertain terms, that they didn´t want me hanging out with them anymore...at all, ever. I remember that stung, and what made it worse was that I was bullied a lot in that school, so being alone made me an even easier target. Interesting that I had completely forgotten about that, like much of my childhood, I think....

In primary school some jerkwad started the unfunny joke of "Gina disease", which is where nobody would touch anything I'd touched or sit on a chair I had sat on. It only stopped during the brief phase of the "whoever you touch you love, boys and boys don't count" joke, during which nobody touched anybody anyway. But after that got old, it was back to Gina disease. Damn, kids can be cruel.

Same with me Morgana, and Greentea. I started reading self-help books around the age of 16. Psychology, and Spirituality was my special interest for several years. I was one great big self-help project. I don't know if it was about being nicer, or kinder with me, because I was already labeled as 'the nicest girl in school', and that probably stopped a lot of the really horrific bullying that I saw with two other girls, but it didn't actually make people like me or even acknowledge that I exist.

One time during a heated argument my husband announced that I must not want any friends. It didn't have a thing to do with the argument, it was completely a character attack. One that hit me so hard that I won't ever forget that someone I love would say something so nasty to me. If he only knew how hard that i had tried. All the books I checked out about being a better person, all of the stupid domes of white light that I imagined myself covered in, all the think positive lists that I made, ect... I tried so hard to just be positive, because all of the books said that thinking positive gets positive results. I wasted years on all that junk, and it did nothing to boost my self-esteem. Finding out about AS has been the only thing to melt away most of my self hate.

Me too! Once I admitted that all that stuff wasn´t working, I started asking the question "why me?", as well as that age old question "why do I not seem to be like other people? What breed of human am I?" Shortly after, God answered....I discovered AS first, then it took me a little while before I got to Wrong Planet....actually, that came after I ordered loads of books on Amazon about AS, devoured them- (most of them are too short and don´t go into much detail)- read them twice, then finally realized I was hungry for more information. I realized I wanted to meet some people with AS and share stories, and there is some kind of AS meeting here where I live. Well, due to social anxiety or something, I still haven´t looked into that. So I joined Wrong Planet, and that has totally helped both my desire for knowledge, as well as my hoping to meet people with AS.

By the way, I´m really sorry to hear about your mother. That must have been hard.

Something similar here...

Along with being nice and positive and white light and all that stuff, these books also talk a lot about forgiveness and about how you are spiritually "clear" when you are able to forgive. I worked hard on my forgiveness for years, as well as dissolving the resentment and bitterness that was piling up. All to no avail, and I tried everything, I tell you! But when I finally discovered AS (I had an epiphany while reading the introduction of "Women From Another Planet"), I felt all that resentment and bitterness melting away, finally, after all those years. (Well, most of it). Just having a logical explanation for everything worked wonders.

My husband does this to me often (eg about every other month). It hurts very much.

Thank you very much, Morgana.

ok, edit; I'm glad this is here to void a lot of anger and hatred i've held in. its the kind of people everyone has talked about here that has made me start over my life three or four times now, and i'm only just into my twenties.

don't want to sound too cryptic but heres to just hitting 'purge', 'reset', and starting from scratch.

Ladies,

I know these were posted a little while ago, and when I read them I had to walk away from my computer to keep from going off.

If these men loved you, they would not say such things to you. This is verbal and emotional ABUSE. PERIOD!

They know about and are MANIPULATING your fear of being alone. If they loved you, they would not "break you down" PERIOD!

They are INSECURE, and need to feel in control. They know you have self-esteem issues, and if you resolve those, you will start making a stand. Once you start doing that it will scare them S**TL*SS. They have no interest in helping you build your self-esteem. Why? Because they will likely end up with BRUISED EGOS, and they will have LOST CONTROL. PERIOD!

Things like what you two have mentioned seem to be a common theme here on WrongPlanet. What you are dealing with in these situations are not MEN, but BOYS - they just happen to be in older bodies. PERIOD!

If you want a better relationship, GET OUT of the one you are in. ABUSERS such as these say they will change, but they rarely, if ever do. We want to believe they will, but in most cases it will take nothing short of divine intervention for them to do so. PERIOD!

If you are concerned about physical retaliation from the BOY in question, make sure you have people you trust on-hand when you do leave. Family, friends, cops, whoever will stand with you. Hell, if you put the word out here that you're planning to move out, you'd probably have a WrongPlanet bus full of MEN show up on moving day to make sure you have all your stuff.

This seems like a hard line, but I say this as someone who dealt with YEARS of emotional abuse. I would save some of you the pain of what I endured in that time. I am still licking some of those wounds.

Why am I telling you this?

You are not doormats, you are not pieces of meat.

Because you are WOMEN. You are human beings who deserve to be treated better.....

PERIOD!