The autism social rule book.

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If a friend badmouths someone else to you, they are actually trusting that you won't go and tell that person what your friend said about them.

Oh GOD I was doing this my entire childhood! And I wondered why the teachers didn't like me!

Last night, someone pointed out to me that I don't move my eyes side to side.
Apparently I look up and down.
When I look at something to my side, I turn my whole head.

I had no idea.

I guess it's a social rule to move your eyes sideways?
I've been trying it all day and it feels weird, like I've never done it before.
It makes me dizzy but it's like a fun new trick.

I don't think it's a "social rule", but more so that most people don't rely on moving their head VS moving their eyes. People who don't usually have some sort of issue w/ the muscles in their eyes or with coordinating their eyes. I had to practice moving just my eyes during OT when I was a kid instead of my entire head because I had a issue w/ the muscles in my eyes. It would hurt to try to do so and it was physically hard to do it. I eventually stopped doing it again and as a teenager I had to reteach myself to move my eyes up and down + side to side.

Social rule might be the wrong phrase, but maybe it creates an uncanny valley where I seem different but people can't explain why?

After my stroke I had diplopia (double vision) and one eye would barely open, for a long time. I went to visual retaining physio classes and wore special glasses. No one pointed it out to me, except to note that I can move my eyes independently.

Maybe my stroke is part of the reason why moving my eyes sideways makes me so dizzy?

I'm pretty sure I've always turned my head, though.

*Yes I can move my eyes sideways when reading, but it feels weird when looking at anything else.


New social rule:
Don't tell people that they do weird things with their eyes.
I was kind of shocked this person came out and said what they did. lol

NTs use some kind of "shared psychosis" to communicate with each other. They rely on these emotional codes to "understand" other people. We, however, sometimes can't, which will inevitably lead to miscommunication. Either don't say anything or lie. People are too suspicious of us if we just say whatever we mean. They're constantly "reading" us and looking for extra information, and that will inevitably lead to problems if you say/do too much at a time.

Examples:

Some of us think that sharing information is a way to get to know people; people who are not autistic don't think this. Instead, they think that you're trying to position yourself as worth more than they are.

Most of us autistics just have a handful of emotional triggers, but NTs will get "triggered" any time they notice that you don't see a social rule. Their minds automatically read the emotional "codes" first to decide what/how to think of us.

^exactly

Everything in nt world is about power, and balance of power. Imagine they are radiating an aura of authority, and they are constantly vigilant to whoever can disturb that aura.
Though, autistic people are like that too, even if they don't always realize it. Think of the times when someone showed you pity, as it often happens in nt-asd relations. Even though their words were kind, and possibly helpful, didn't you think they are looking down on you, and dehumanizing you?

Thus, before saying anything, it's good to take into account if we aren't accidentally stomping on another person's sense of self-worth and self-importance.

Gosh .. am never gonna get this one , figured out …. The automatic response is to be honest …..
Much easier than fibbing ….. but am realizing the truth of this one . Just need to get past the automatic response .

Can somebody pm me what the symbols mean?? I don't get notifications of replies either. Is it a setting I need to adjust?(I check the box for replies)

Well, my rule # 1 is simple:

Don't try.

Don't try to be normal. It's futile. Just be yourself and hope for the best... but be prepared for the worst!

Personally, I never try to mingle. Mingling is strictly a thing reserved for social animals while I'm more of a solitary creature. I mean, when was the last time you saw a herd of leopards... on National Geographic?! It's unnatural.

Besides, even if you do try to mingle and appear normal, they're just going to sense it and then call you names behind your back. It's inevitable.

Plus, pretending to be someone else takes energy. A lot of it. There was this wedding where I spent the entire day pretending to be 'normal' (so to speak). I even took a betablocker to calm down my nerves but by the end of the day, I was wiped out! Slept like a baby that night.

Bottomline: We have to emulate what comes naturally to others. And let's face it, we were never 'designed' to be social! Personally, I think we are the next evolution of mankind. After all, we no longer need companionship to survive. We are the apex predators, and predators tend to be solitary creatures.

Take what you will.

Don't overshare or info-dump. Most people are not interested in the huge amounts of details you are processing and actually find this exhausting.

Also, be yourself. Find people who love and accept you for who you are and hang out with them.

Nobody's obliged to agree on everything but you must keep your opinions to yourself, even if you feel like it's being pretentious. Just try to persevere and soon you'll fit in if you think like them.

Don't try to over explain or overanalyze people's behavior no matter how much you like them. If they behave like they don't like you, chances are they don't and that's it. And there is not much you can do to change that.

Also: no matter how much you like someone and are grateful to them for being nice to you: don't overstep your Boundaries for them. Your Boundaries are necessary for everyone, even the people who are close to you

If someone at work asks you to sign a card, just sign it.

You know, I once thought about being a chronic cynic or "Debbie Downer" in my young adult days, just before I was diagnosed with what was Aspergers at the time... instead of my eternally hopeful "maybe they'll accept me THIS time" approach by being more gregarious... but in hindsight, I can see that it would've misfired. While being overly Pollyanna-like can get you taken advantage of, if you are an out-of-the-closet pessimist who has no filter in expressing negative commentary about this-and-that in society, people will just viscerally regard you as "perpetual bully victim misfit who doesn't deserve to be given the time of day". Maybe it will shield you somewhat from being taken advantage of, but people will still avoid you and talk behind your back, maybe even insinuate something about you being an unhinged loner who's going to snap one day.

It's sad, but people have their unconscious biases and stereotypes (and archetypes) of certain people. So, I guess the social rule takeaway of this is to remember that YOU don't want to be put in some archetypal category and then ghosted and gossiped about, based on being overly negative.

When asking someone a question that you know there's a chance they won't know the answer to (like something at work) always remember to add "do you think" somewhere in the question so that it looks like you don't think they're the almighty god that knows everything (even though NTs are supposed to read between the lines, they don't as much as Aspies make them out to).

For example, instead of asking a co-worker "when will Peter be in?", try asking "when will Peter be in, do you think?" or "when do you think Peter will be in?" That way you don't get the response "I don't know everything! What am I, a mind-reader?"