The autism social rule book.

Post Reply New Topic

"When will Peter be in, do you think?" sounds awkward to me. The second phrase you mentioned is ok.

I can't see how anybody could get offended by "When will Peter be in?" Either you know, or you don't.

Another rule to try and remember: If you share an autistic trait yourself then it's OK to add to the YMBAAI thread but if you don't share that trait but just put it anyway then you're stereotyping.

I learnt this rule quickly in my head before it was too late, when I read someone's post there that included very stereotypical autism traits (preferring to sit and do math instead of playing sports, etc), and I was going to add one to that list even though I couldn't relate to it myself but just to see from other's perspectives, but then something told me that that'd be stereotyping, so I didn't.

13. If someone does not want to interact, do not take it personally. They may have something going on in their head that has nothing to do with you.

Even though NTs usually take it personally when an Aspie doesn't want to talk to them.

If someone shares an opinion try not to ask too many questions looking for more detail. Usually they just want to look smart or express a frustration. It can annoy them to be grilled even if your curiosity is peaked.

Not so much offended, but I know people who get very anxious about questions which - even if accidentally - sound somewhat like they are EXPECTED to know the answer. The whole sort of "suddenly on stage in the spotlight and they don't have the script" reaction. It's not everyone, true, but I've learned that some people need a more roundabout type of phrasing. "Do you happen to know when Peter will be in?" would work somewhat better for them.

Again, it's not everyone, but I've learned to be aware of the possibility.

One I sometimes struggle with: Don't assume bad intent

The three gates: I was told this was an old Arabic saying and I like it a lot. "Everything you say must pass through three gates. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?" Don't lie. If it's true but not necessary, wait until it is. I have a corollary to this, that saying upbuilding things is always "necessary." It's too easy to be overly restrictive with the necessary criteria and never speak. If it's true and necessary but not kind, find a way to say it kindly (it's hard!).

I thought it was an NT skill to read between the lines without having to be direct with them. I'm not the most direct person and I use rhetorical questions a lot but if I can understand and respond to rhetorical questions correctly then surely NTs can. Asking a question doesn't mean you're expecting them to know the answer.

I suppose it's always Aspies who are in the wrong though.

If you are out partying with friends, let that first drink kick in before you decide to order another. See how you feel. Pace yourself. Sipping a cocktail can turn into a stim during a conversation at a party. That doesn't always end well.

Was anyone else hoping that the #1 & #2 rules on this thread would be "we don't talk about fight club" and "WE DON'T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB"?

Smiling, nodding, saying please and thank you, not complaining too much, and complimenting people, goes a long way towards coming across as pleasant and non-threatening in most situations. You can get away with seeming a bit weird or off as long as you remember do these things.

With that said, these things alone won't help you make connections with people. They'll just keep people from disliking you and help you avoid conflict. I've followed this advice for most of my life and I have no enemies, but only two friends (and I only got them because they pushed past my wall of politeness and actively tried to befriend me)

This might explain why I am generally very well-liked and respected, but not very popular. Unlike most Aspies, I don't believe that truth is always the best way to get through to people. When people want to just be listened to and agreed with, then that's what I give them. If I feel the situation is appropriate to tell the truth, then I may tell the truth, in the most appropriate way possible. It's all about understanding the environment, atmosphere, situation and the feelings and body language of the people around you. That's what I go by and it's what's got me where I am today in the NT world.
In the Aspie world, well, it's difficult, because most Aspies seem to value honesty but when I do give the truth they get offended. So not quite sure what to do there.

Don't tell on people at work, unless they are bullying you or are committing an offence such as stealing expensive goods or hurting someone. Otherwise, for petty things, people don't like being told on and they won't like you. Just butt out.
I don't tell on people at work, but I do work with a tattletale and nobody likes him because of it.

Always think before you complain about a behaviour or quirk of someone, as in make sure you don't demonstrate that behaviour or quirk yourself. Everybody hates hypocrisy, even though sometimes it can't always be helped. Sometimes people forget that they do it or they know they do it themselves but don't like other people doing it.

Learn Their First Names!
It's a *HUGE* plus to people, if you learn their names, especially if you see them daily. Greet them with their names, and *sometimes* bid them farewell with their names (don't do it every time cause it borders obnoxiousness or something). It really means a lot to folks if their names are remembered.

Hello. I'm a new member. I'm 73 years old so I have plenty of experience of doing the wrong thing! My piece of advice for today is "Don't repeat a joke you've heard unless you're absolutely sure it is harmless and appropriate". Once I got thrown out of a pub and another time I got a broken nose for quite innocently telling the wrong joke. Ian Mac.

In a group of 4 people don't talk more than 25% of the time, in a group of 5 people don't talk more than 20% of the time.

You get the idea.