First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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I also do things I'm not interested in. But there are a lot of NTs that seem capable of sort of "absorbing" the enthusiasm people have for subjects, or if they like a person they will become genuinely interested in the things the person is interested in while they are befriending them.

My example being my brother. His friends appear to have dictated his interests, not the other way around.

Suppose it may just come down to acting skills and affection by osmosis.

Hi again, Darkword.

Yes, I think if I'm fond of someone I CAN adopt some of their interests- it's something we can share as part of the relationship. I'm sure that people often pretend to share someone's interests in order to make a good impression, too, which may be the case with your brother if he's trying to "fit in" with a group of friends. Pretending probably isn't sustainable in the long-term, though- I think you'd either get bored or be caught out for showing a lack of real enthusiasm.

My observations of young males (based on my experience as a parent and a teacher) is that their friendships are quite often based on shared interests- even if they don't like each other much, a shared passion for football, anime or whatever can often be enough to maintain some kind of bond.

To NTS.

What is a good amount interests? I like what I like and enjoy what I emjoy. but the people around me (family. family friends) keep teling me I need to open my self up to other things. Yet when I point out I try new things all the time. Books, Shows,Foods and so. They tell me thats not the point and I just dont get it. Well if I got the point then they woul dnot be trying to get me to try new things.

Well, Mesona, often when NTs talk to each other, especially to family and friends, it's not about "interests" at all. They talk about how they feel today, who they've spoken with, what happened on the way to work, just everyday stuff like that. They also ask each other questions about those sorts of things. It's not about exchanging information, it's more about showing that you care and sharing the details of your life with the other person as a sign of closeness.

It's hard to guess exactly what the people around you mean, but maybe they want you to be a bit more flexible in your conversations and to get involved in some of the things they are talking about, rather than discussing the same few interests all the time. I once knew a boy with AS whose special interests were cars and food, and they were really the only things he ever talked about. It made it hard for him to join in conversations with other kids because they liked to talk about all sorts of random stuff and they got tired of hearing about cars and food all the time.

Next time you're with family and friends, perhaps you could try asking them about what they've been doing and then tell them about your recent activities (not in TOO much detail ), rather than just discussing your special interests. Be prepared to be flexible and change the topic of conversation when the people around you do. It can't hurt to give it a try. Best of luck! Jenny

Mesona., in my opinion, all people have interests. Be they AS or NT, and some are more intense than others.

Examples: Parents, especially mums, and their children; Motorcycle enthusiasts and their bikes; Soccer players and the game, People who work together and their work place...etc.

Personally, I think your family is being slightly unreasonable. I'm sure they have interests too. Are they pressured into trying new things all the time? I know NTs who don't like to try things that they've never tried before.

My AS son has his interests and so do my NT children. We allow all of them to pursuit their interests as much as finances will allow. How else are they going to find their niche in society? Besides their interests might very well make them rich and famous one day.

They all have their comfort zones too. We encourage all of them to step out of that zone only if the need arises.

It seems to me that you are already doing your best to please others.

Your family should try something new...accepting you for who you are and respect your interests..(so long as you're not doing illegals or harming others)

Hope that helped, good luck!

I don't think there is a magic number but NTs tend to have several minor interests they enjoy discussing. Current events, new foods and other things going on around them are popular discussion points. An NT may have only one or two great passions in life, but they are able to switch focus and talk about a greater variety of things. For NTs it's boring to always talk about the same thing unless it's their special interest(s). Since most NTs are pretty good at picking up on when their listener is bored and wants to talk about something else they develop that skill and this encourages them to take interest in more things and to notice things that might interest others for the sake of future conversations with people with whom they'd like to connect.

I don't think that there is a significant difference in the number of interests of NTs or people with ASDs have at their core, but that NTs are just more driven to reach further for social reasons. I think Aspies can do that as effectively as any NT if they want to, but not all have a reason to want to.

I might be wrong in some of that but I think I have the general idea right.

They may be asking you not to limit yourself in your interests, because it is a big world out there. They may be asking you to explore more different kinds of things you may not think you would be interested in, and be open to that exploration and novelty. You mention books for example. Being interested in several different books would still be an interest in books. Maybe they want you to be open to categories that you may not have explored yet.

I think exploring may be what they are asking you to do, not necessarily having a certain number of interests or being able to stay in the conversation. Trying new things, and having the enthusiasm in that exploration are 2 different things. This may be what they are saying.

I learned to SCUBA dive a long time ago. My husband didn't want to do it, was totally closed to the idea, and said it was because of his ears, he doesn't like the beach etc. We went on a cruise and he saw how excited I was when I went on my first dive. Because of that he eventually decided to take classes. It took some pushing on my part, and some reverse psychology, and I didn't think he would do it, but he did, and now he loves it, and he's better at it that I am. You never know what you can do, or what you will like, until you give it a fair chance.

There are all different levels of interests. I can listen to a friend talk about something they are passionate about and take an interest in it. I may read an article about it or wiki it to learn more in a spare moment. When I speak to them I might bring up something I read about the subject or ask them to explain something I didn't understand. My interest in the subject may never go farther than that, just something casual that helped me get to know my friend better. I still maintain my passions and enjoy when friends take an interest in it even if I know their interest is more superficial than mine in that subject.

What I see with my Aspie kids is that to them interests are more all or nothing. They have a few things they can't get enough of and little patience for the rest of it. They'll do what they need to do to get goods grades in school but they don't extend that discipline to their social lives. They do take interests in some current events and do have a few minor interests but it's really hard for them to broaden their interests in conversation. They don't seem to be aware that they expect others to listen to them talk about their thing indefinitely while not being willing to return the favor in kind. I don't think they mean to be unfair, but they really are. I don't mean that to be harsh at all, my kids are very sweet, but they do need to work on evening up the conversational balance if they want friends.

[please delete--posted to wrong thread]

For AS/NT both. Why do you feel we should tell others about being an aspie? Why do youthink our lifes would be better if others know? It seems like a waste and is more of a problem then the others not knowing

From someone in between...I know I have a history of feeling more comfortable sometimes with those who are not NTs. I feel like I have a bit more permission to be myself in those cases, that I won't be judged so harshly.

I don't have hard-and-fast guidelines for disclosure, but here's the train of thought that leads to it sometimes:

You want a relationship with this person (friend, romantic partner, employer, student, whatever).
That means this person needs to know you.
For instance, a close friend would never ask me to eat mushrooms. A close friend would come to me if they wanted someone to translate a schizophrenic's delusions into Japanese.
It makes friendship easier for them to know your peculiarities.
However, those of us on the spectrum are sometimes so different from everyone else that treating us as normal until proven otherwise is a recipe for disaster.
So the idea is to disclose your condition because that will allow them to grasp the need for a complete paradigm shift.

Speaking for myself, and as someone who not only sympathizes/empathizes with people on the spectrum but also values qualities such as straight-forwardness, intense focus on special interests, and honesty, it would help me to know if a person I was talking with was on the spectrum (rather than guess at, which I'm getting quite good at) because then I could safely skip the small-talk bs, get to the point quicker, be more sensitive to my tone of voice, and not think so much about making eye contact. In short, it would help me communicate better in person in situations where communication was required.

I ask because in my life I told three people I thought I could trust and each time I was left in the dust.

Of course, that is the downside to it. If you sound too different, people have the urge to exclude you. They're thinking... well, this person is some kind of ret*d and I've heard they're violent and don't understand love, so I should stay away. Or sometimes even just that you're different and they don't want to be friends (lovers, employers, whatever) with someone different.

You run the risk of placing yourself outside the human race, and thus outside the scope of their understanding and morals. Imagine if your special interest were all around you and you were free to engage with it all the time, and found one particular example of it that turned out not to be typical of it and was really just something else masquerading as your special interest. That's what can happen in NTs' heads.

Also, you don't want to be different in a group. You'd be surprised how friendly people can be when you're alone with them, and how horrible they can be when they have other friends.

*shrug* I don't hide it, but I don't shout it to the heavens, either. Most recently, I "disclosed" it to a friend I have a crush on by responding in first-person when the topic happened to turn to autism.

Mesona,

I think it depends on the situation. If you work for a company that has an HR department discreetly letting them know about it can be a protection. They legally supposed to keep it confidential but if your AS symptoms ever cause problems at work not directly related to your ability to do your job having your AS documented can save your job. Companies are required to make reasonable accomodations for people with "disabilities" and even though AS isn't exactly a disability in that situation it can work to your advantage.

Sometimes I think it's better not to explain the dx but to explain a particular behavior. It's not like there is a chance that people won't notice unusual behavior. Some things, like lack of eye contact, can be misinterpreted by people who don't understand why you do it. Letting important people know that you don't mean any disrespect and are paying attention can help them correctly interpret that behavior and treat you more appropriately.

Each situation is different and not all people will respond well to knowing the dx or having a behavior explained. We're just trying to give helpful suggestions to situations described here. It's up to you to decide if that advice is useful for your situation, and it might not be.



Kiley