Abused by those with BPD

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I wonder how they feel about this from their side, of actually having the condition........something tells me they might feel a little differently. I am reminded of when I get something wrong and others take it wrong. As for the not so nice if they don't get what they want, is it possible maybe they don't know how to deal with their emotions related to that so end up behaving in an unpleasent manner to try and get what it is they want due to their mental disorder.......rather than actual intentional manipulation and faking. I just feel like its important to remember people with disorders like BPD are still people with feelings, emotions and personalities they don't deserve to be hated and dissed on because of their condition..........and I am sure I already made this clear but it still disturbs me people with AS are so quick to talk trash about people with another condition, I would think people with AS would be more understanding of what people with psychological conditions in general go through and would not be fueling the fire to spread ignorance and trash talking about people with a specific condition.

And to be clear I am not defending behavior that hurts other people, nor am I claiming people with BPD are blame free for everything that they do......just that a distinction should be made between behavior issues that are due to the mental condition and intentional unpleasent behaviors. I am sure there are nasty vindictive people with BPD and I am sure there are good people with BPD, just like any other disorder.

Yes, I think that's exactly what it is.

That is what I figured, especially since I've had simular issues before...I don't think I have BPD but I know sometimes especially when I was a kid if I was struggling with a sensory issue I would complain and complain until something was done about it.......I was not trying to really manipulate anyone I was just in such discomfort I could not control my reaction.

For instance if me and my family where watching a movie and they wanted to keep a light on, well if the light was too bright to me good luck hearing the movie over me.......but what they sometimes failed to realise is it was severely unpleasent for me so it was the only way I could really react. On a lesser scale and more relevent to my life now as I am an adult and can easily turn off lights that are too bright myself, or get out of places that set off my sensory issues whenever I choose. Anyways sometimes its hard for me to word things so I tend to hint around a bit when I want something rather then just saying it.

So yeah I guess I can see how the way someones brain works could contribute to unpleasent behavior that can be seen as intentional manipulation by others......when its not quite the case.

Assuming that the manipulative and abusive behaviour is unintentional and the person feels desperately that there is no other way for them to get what they need, how are the people around them meant to behave to stop situations escalating? What are they meant to do to stop themselves getting hurt? And I don't just mean hurt physically. That old saying "words will never hurt me" simply isn't true.

Fair enough. The word "abuse" does insinuate intentional or careless harming... I'll replace "abuse" with "emotional stress & pain". The bottom line is that regardless of wording, the effect on the bystanders to a BPD person, are pain & suffering.

Charles

I guess "smart" just means being able to successfully bottle up your emotions and insecurities. I think BPD people really can't. It just that it doesn't come out right away if it's just a casual relationship. The problems only start when you try to get close. The thing is, if they acted out on their insecurities right away they would push the other person away at the get go. Instead they hold it in until the other person is invested enough in them that they can get away with letting it out. I don't think they can stay in the "nice" zone without distancing themselves emotionally. I think it's because the very genuine desire for closeness opens up the flood gates of negative feelings that lead to the demanding/controlling/paranoid behavior.

It appears from the outside like case of Jekyll and Hyde where they are deliberately being extra nice only to draw you in and then turn on you. In reality though people with BPD are usually not being deliberately cunning and malicious. I don't know if this helps at all for people who feel they've been victimized by someone with BPD.

+1

I [don't] think understanding and having empathy for people with a condition implies they are blame free or that someone should have to put up with abuse.

Last edited by marshall on 30 Dec 2011, 11:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

My ex was like that, but it went back and forth. I thought it was probaby DID because when he was being one way he had little or no memory of what happened when he was acting the other way.

Well what I was getting at is it might appear as manipulative but that might not really be the case.......people around them should probably understand due to the individual with BPDs condition they might have a difficult time regulating their emotions and reaction to the situation and might come off as manipulative. Might be a good idea for them to find out what it is thats setting off the person with BPD rather then simply accuse them of being a terrible person when they lose control of their symptoms.

Also as for abuse, I think it actually has to be intentional to truly be abuse..........for instance I have a freind who has warned everyone who hangs around him not to sneak up behind him because he will probably throw them across the room or something because of PTSD symptoms he has from being in the military. So if someone was to forget or decide to risk it and come up behind him like he said not to and they get hurt then I would not see it as abuse because first off they've been warned and second off its due to symptoms of a mental disorder.

Is this sarcasm? ...........and if you re-read that I actually wrote:
I am NOT defending behavior that hurts other people, nor am I claiming people with BPD are blame free for everything that they do......just that a distinction should be made between behavior issues that are due to the mental condition and intentional unpleasent behaviors.

People learn what works and continue to use what works, so I don't think there's any reason this can't also be the case for BPDs. What started out as unintentional could become intentional just because success reinforces it. My sister-in-law is BPD and I refuse to be around her. But I have that luxury because she's not a blood relative and doesn't live close. Her mother reinforces her "bad" behavior and she has spent many many years living with and taking advantage of her mother, who has schizophrenia and allows herself to be taken advantage of. I think it makes her mother feel needed.

They're genuinely nice while they're trying to get you to care about them, not while they're getting what they want. Why would you give people what they want? Give people what they need. Just because someone wants you to care about them doesn't mean they're fake.

This page has some advice: http://bpd.about.com/od/forfriendsandfamily/a/SET.htm

In a lot of ways, BPD is a communication disorder, although not in the same way that autism is.

No it wasn't sarcasm. I agree with you... mostly at least.

Sometimes what they need to feel cared about is something unreasonable, like for you to have a baby for them because they had a hysterectomy, when they just got married for the fifth time and didn't raise the first two kids they had, and they are alcoholic drug abusers. At least that was what my sister-in-law once needed in order to feel loved. Maybe that's an unusual case, but she's the only person with BPD I know. All people, not just people with BPD, are capable of getting these strange ideas of what someone will do for them if they REALLY loved them. As I understand people with BPD, they think people are all good or all bad, and even though you love them, when you don't give them what they need to feel loved, they have a tendency to decide you are all bad, and treat you very badly. They seem to truly decide that you do not love them and do not want them to have anyone love them or have anything good in their lives.

I wasn't talking about people with BPD being fake, I was talking about treating interpersonal relationships like a game. That can and often does result in fakeness, at least the way I've seen it played.

I'm new to the thread (and to the board).

To return to the original question, I do not know whether people with BPD are attracted to people with Asperger's. I've only known well one person with BPD - my ex-wife.

I know that my counsellors and my fiance (who is a counsellor herself) have told me that my Apserger's and Non-Verbal Learning Disorder made it difficult for me to pick up on the fact that my ex's behaviour was whacked out and extreme. (i also have mild tourette's [blinking, throat clearing, head tick - usually under heavy stress]). through my life people have thought i was just a little nerdy and odd - i am relatively socially adept. it wasn't unti i was 45 and after years of trying to figure out what the hell went wrong in my marriage (and early life at school) that i figured out on my own, and was then subsequently formally diagnosed with the previous.

To me my ex was just a little more flaky than regular people. She had been abused as a child and i attributed the mood swings to that fact.

The books i read and the counsellors i consulted told me to be patient and caring as a response and that it would settle down.

I didn't realise that it wouldn't. Because she was far beyond what the books described as the wounded creature i was trying to heal. she was classic BPD. i didn't know that until after i left her.

My ex became more unstable and then abusive - physically and emotionally. I thought (and she told me) that i was just wrong in how i was treating her. I believed this and tried harder. She then had the ability to just be as crazed as she wanted to be. Previously her own abusive family had kept her in check by being jerks to her. With me there were no limits. She had previously used alcohol as an outlet, while we were together (about 18 years) she only drank on "special occasions", but allowed herself full flights of emotional instability - all of which she blamed on me.

I believed i was the problem. I didn't know i was asperger's at that time, but knew i had issues with emotional responses and reading people, so i assumed, and she kept telling me, that i was in the wrong.

I think that my inability to read that she was emotionally whacked allowed her to stay with me where regular people would (and did, prior to me) dump her ass when she pulled her s**t.

I think that me having been told all my life that i was odd and wrong allowed me to easily believe her when she told me the same thing.

i think that my "never give up" doggedness and inability to read the signs left me in a position where i kept on trying when a regular person, or someone who could read her emotional state would have given up or fought back.

that fact that i listened to her words and didn't (wasn't able to) read her actions (non-verbal learning disorder) left me trying to interpret her words - and words are only about 7 percent of communication.