The worst thing a bully has done to you

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I suppose that makes sense .....I guess the trouble with me is I am quite aware it is ok to ignore it but its an inability to do so, also in my experiance the harder I try to suppress things the worse it gets. Also being alive and miserable over all does not do a very good job of convincing me I have lots of power or more than those bullies I honestly feel that couldn't be further from the truth since usually it is people in positions of more power than me who are the bullies to me. Also the person I was at one time is dead....I mean that wasn't all the fault of the bullying, the PTSD was what really finally killed that person. But, now I don't know who the hell I am half the time(I know my name, birth date, address and all that but I cannot put my finger on who exactly I am as a person.

Anyways I am kind of a pessimist at least I am sure that is the impression that gives, I understand the other perspective somewhat and its what most therapists I've gone to have more or less implied but it never seems to really work in my case.

I understand the feeling of the old me being dead, but through my severe reoccurring depression. It happens every time I get depressed. I lose myself and it really is confusing for indentity.

Also I think understanding peoples perspective does very little for how you feel in many ways. You have to feel what they feel.

I sometimes find one day I just understand something on an emotional level and get what people meant by their simple words. But the simple words alone did nothing for me emotionally. If emotions were intellectual and logical we wouldn't have these problems. however, as they're not, we have to just come to 'learn' it on our own. And people telling us is just a way to encourage us that it is something we can come to fully believe one day.

I really believe, for the first time in my life, and only recently, that the fact I'm still here means I'm more powerful than my depression.
Depression, like bullies, is creative, relentless and it doesn't need a reason. Thinking of why it's there or why me does not help; I've given up on that. But remembering that while it is so creative, I've some how managed to be creative enough to live this long despite it being there means I am stronger.
And when I finally believed that, I could tolerate it more.

My words can't make you feel that, I know that isn't the power I have. But I know you, and everyone else here, has the power to feel this strange kind of peace. And it can increase much more than this. The stage I'm at now is not a huge change to the depression or thoughts, but it is for my mental health.
I have no doubt it's part of being human to have that kind of resilience, it's just recognising it with your 'soul', emotions, I'm not sure what you'd call it, but just knowing it from other peoples words isn't what would help. I don't even know how it's done, I think you just have to meditate on your life and turn things over again and again looking at them in different ways and sometimes you just get that mini epiphany that makes things a little better and easier.


And with regard to trying to force out the memories not working, I think that forcing them means you pay attention to them more. Generally I'd think distraction would be the best thing. Again, being creative is the key. Different things will work at different times and remembering every victory is not reduced by its size is important; that is to say, it doesn't matter if you only briefly forgot the memories while eating a great cake, you did that with hard work, even if you didn't consciously recognise it.
Feeling helpless is hard to avoid, but it never helps.

I hope I don't sound like I'm preaching.

Sometimes I wonder if this is one of the reasons autistic people suffer so much with bullying. We get picked on from the start because we don't fit in, and then it gets worse and worse, and we're never sure where the line is between bullying and criminal behaviour. I don't mean to say that bullying itself isn't criminal, but you know what I mean... when you're bullied all the time, it becomes normal. So your bullies throw sand at you one day, and spit at you the next, and then toss pebbles at you, and then move on to gravel, and eventually they're throwing rocks. At what point do you start to really worry about your safety and think about calling the police? Especially if people have been spitting at you and throwing sand at you since preschool, and you've always been told to "work it out" and "not tattle". It's that feeling of hopelessness that's the worst. It's the sense that it really doesn't matter whether they're throwing sand in your hair or hurling rocks at your head, because you're you, and you, among all people, don't have a right to expect these things not to happen. Because you're worthless you. That's the worst feeling in the world.

And they say autistic people have anger issues (gee, ya THINK?) and lack empathy (HAH!).

The worst thing a bully has done to me is run up to me and pull my trousers down.

You had no underwear

But then, imagine their face when

No luckily I had underwear on, but it was still embarrassing and I felt violated.

Give me a bloody lip when he punched me in my mouth. But, since I got so sick of being bullied this is one time I hit back and give him a bloody nose. So blood was dropping off from both of us. I got so I started fighting back when I got older.

The beatings on the school bus and a teacher doing nothing and saying to me that I deserved it.

I was a very peaceable girl, so her "you deserve it" remains a mystery.

What impressed me more about all the bullying stuff was the indiference of the teachers.

So true, I met a guy few months ago that was a bully on his school. He said to me that he regreted so much his behaviour, but it was not true, he was still proud of his past as the leader of the bullies and he told me about all his pranks and practical jokes with proud. I said to him that people who suffer bullying can be seriously traumatized the rest of their lives, and despite he recognized again he did wrong, it was obvious he felt nothing about his victims, no empathy.

The lack of empathy is very common in a large number of people, including a lot of NT's.

The worse thing that a bully tried to do to me, is try to twist my right hand off. I was in Kindergarten at the time. It was painful and I told my Special Ed teacher about the incident.

I've been lucky that I had my best friend to be a role model for me when I was younger.

Even so, in seventh grade, another girl took advantage of my general pacifism to invade my personal space by hugging me, against my will, whenever I was within a few yards of her. This happened both in my classes and outside of them. This might not seem so bad, but I have issues with people invading my personal space (sort of like specific claustrophobia, I start to panic). After several months of this, she decided to sneak up behind me at my locker, in a crowded hallway, and hug me so that I couldn't breathe. I panicked completely, and on instinct turned around while elbowing her in the stomach and kicking her in the shin. She fancied herself tough, so I guess she felt so humiliated that she stopped.
I may have been teased, but if so, I never really noticed. I often cannot distinguish that sort of insult from sarcasm or even a compliment, which can be both a blessing and a curse.

Hugs for those who have suffered, my compassion and hope for the future goes out to all of you!

Absolutely. I mentioned recently running into my bully from Junior High and although no words were said, I can tell he still doesn't think he did anything wrong or feel bad in any way. In fact he probably would try attacking me again if there weren't laws and cameras on my side. This guy literally looks like he just broke out of prison. The simple fact is that many of these bullies are fully aware of what they are doing and couldn't care less about it. In fact, they almost certainly get a thrill out of watching others suffer.



I had the same problem. How could my teachers not see what was going on? Sure they tried to hide it but they weren't too bright and it should become obvious after a few days what was going on. Turns out they feared for their jobs because they were only first year contract teachers and one of the bully's parents got the one who spoke up fired. Therefore, they all turned a blind eye to it. Therefore, I had to sit on the floor on the bus and had to endure endless assaults because nobody else was willing to stand up for what was right. Some people STILL wonder why I'm so cynical and jaded at times!

I would report these incidents and they would always be downplayed and I was treated like I was making everything up. Knowing now that they were fully aware what was going on but chose to ignore it makes my blood boil. We're the ones lacking empathy? Give me a break!

I have had lots of name calling done but the one thing that stands out is when I was in 7th grade. In the locker room this jerk stole my cloths and paraded them though the locker room yelling my secret. You see when I was younger I would have accidents in my pants. He was yelling to everyone that I poop my pants and I am a big ret*d baby. I couldn't help it back then about sometime in eight grade I stopped but that was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Yeah I had a few teachers like that.....they knew what was going on but chose to either turn a blind eye to it or sometimes they were even in on it. And I hate it I mean it kind of sucks feeling inferior to everyone, because of so many bad experiences with people I mean I am 22 and my music of choice is heavy metal and even a rude desk secretary can make me feel anxious and self conscious about looking like an idiot not knowing how to handle the situation which is embarrassing to me. I am not good at that whole assertive thing people seem to be able to do back to people who are rude to them.

In the 7th grade I went to the same school at which my father taught. I was bullied in a class taught by one of his best friends on the staff. She didn't do anything and I don't think she said anything, because I think she was embarrassed she lost control of her classroom. She didn't have a problem telling my dad when my assignments were late, she just didn't tell him why I was struggling (namely a kid named Rick had declared that I was his personal slave and would make me do errands for him).

In High School, I complained about being bullied by my Spanish teacher and my PE teacher. My parents didn't believe me. Both of my parents were teachers and they didn't believe teachers could do such things. A couple of years later one of my classmates who lived across the street told my dad how sorry she felt for me when my Spanish teacher went out of his way to humiliate me in class. They believed her, but not their own son.

Oh, the wonderful memories!

too bad you didn't just wetfart in his face then. that would teach him.