So I posted in the infamous AS partners forum for NT's...

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I could be wrong though.

btbnnyr, I believe what you say is a part of it. I believe there is another part. One has to care about his co-workers and the company or organization to do them and show he cares. Let's say I see a person who needs help to take a heavy table from one place to another and it is my time to leave. I don't just leave. I offer to help the person to move the table because I desire to help them and care to make their lives easier. This is but one out of many examples.

Let's say one wants to advance in a company one could voluntarily do things that helps to bring benefits to the company as well. If one truthfully cares a lot about the company and the people one is working with and for then one may do this.

Again, I could be wrong. We would need an NT to verify.

There seems to be quite a range in autistic people helping others without being asked. My guess is that helpful people have greater tendency to take action and mobilize movements and thoughts for tasks while less helpful autistic people have less of these. I think more than tom is involved.

My husband speculates how badly someone is affected with autism is also based on their personality. Could he be right?

One example is with cubedemon, is he is helpful person and likes to help others who seem to be struggling so he helps them out without being asked while another ASD person may be so clueless and not really pay attention to others so they may not notice someone is struggling so it won't occur to them to offer to help because they don't have that helpful personality and they have that in their own world personality and the only way to get their attention is to ask for help.

After sharing his opinion with me about Asperger's, I have started to notice and get a new perspective and then started to see maybe he could be right.

Here's something that often happens to me, using the "remote" situation as an example:

Husband - Where's the remote?
Me - I don't know. (small pause for processing) Do you want me to look for it?
Husband - (annoyed) No, I'll find it.
Me - (annoyed by his annoyance) Fine.

And then we're both annoyed at each other.

Alternative:
Him: where's the remote? (Message: I don't know where the remote is)
You: I don't know either (statement of fact appropriate to the situation) Shall we look for it now or later? (Problem solving). Later: remote found by joint effort and co-operation: Outcome win-win

Alternative: above dialogue gets corrupted by past baggage, dumpo on one another begins, remote still missing, spiral of blaming occurs, no winners, bad moods prevail. Outcome lose-lose

Alternative: let's prove you are wrong and I am right aka you are an idiot for not reading my mind.Blaming causes resentment Outcome: win-lose.

It's not rocket science, and it starts with good will, Elkclan..

B19, I never thought of it like that. TBH, she's from ASPartners and is one of the more reasonable ones. Tawaki did have guys to help her with stuff like she said but to me, they're still douchebags because even if they had the facts about her guy's disability it wouldn't matter.

It seems like NTs or a number of them are very inflexible themselves and care more about BS social standards than a person's mental health. They say we should be considerate to their feelings. Well, shouldn't we expect reprocity in kind? I guess not.

One thing I have noticed in life: married people who store up grudges to use as ammunition against their partners don't have very happy marriages. They are always the ones who think the partner should change not themselves. Blame is their constant default mould. God help people married to fault finders and grudge dumpers, whether they are NT, N-atypical or saints.

As an old, once married person, who has had a number of serious relationships, all of which I entered into of my own free will, eyes open .... it seems to me that most people (particularly in current times) marry for the primary reason of getting (or hoping to get) their own needs met.

If I marry again - which I probably won't, I don't want to at this stage though this could change - it will be because I want a mutual marriage where we are both willing to comfort, support, inspire and cherish one another through all the difficulties big and small, with good will and a wish to maximise each other's happiness. It will be based on honesty, respect, trust, kindness and a genuine desire to make the whole greater than the sum of the parts, for better or worse.

I was once courted by a very wealthy and accomplished, famous man - considered to be one of New Zealand's "10 most eligible bachelors" - he was desperate to marry me, and I declined, because I knew he was not capable of those things I valued, he wanted a trophy wife and thought that I would meet his needs. He made me feel like a job applicant! I did respect his great achievements and we did have many things in common - a love for underdogs and justice in the wider sense - but his intrinsic selfishness (which he was blind to) would have made this an unhappy partnership for me and I said no. He was astonished, and responded with the amazed comment "But I can give you everything you could ever want.. a mansion to live in, servants, furs, jewels..how can you say no?" That showed the vast gap between our intrinsic values and why it could never have worked. He wanted to marry me to get his needs met, and he was completely blind to the inequity of that. But that's what most people seem to do. No wonder there are so many unhappy marriages.

I'm an aspie, but I would have helped shovel you out. Sometimes things like that aren't obvious to us, but being a Canadian, I know what it's like to be stuck in the snow. It's not fun!

Anyway, I'm glad you're willing to be tolerant. A lot of people wouldn't even give an aspie partner a chance.

I read through some of the responses but not at all.

Just as a thought experiment, why not consider the following: You've got two people with autism. They get together they like each other. Neither person realizes they have asperger's. One of these people with asperger's has experienced years of physical and emotional abuse but hasn't come to terms with it. The other person has had the most wonderful joyous life imaginable.

What happens when you put these two people together? And it is harmful to even entertain such thoughts. Perhaps it is not even worth thinking about, because the damage to oneself of imagining such a thing is far too painful to endure.

I'd help too.

For the love of God, please leave those people alone. Just leave them alone.

Instead of calling them names, let's assume that they do have (or really, honestly think they do have, based on media explanations, which we all know are inaccurate enough to be called lies, painfully generalized, and horribly misleading, through no fault of anyone over at ASPartners) ASD spouses who have, whether through malice, inattentive laziness, or actual honest not getting it, caused them a great deal of pain (regardless of whatever pathologies they might have-- pain is pain).

OK. Established.

Given that, they're not in a place to listen to anyone right now.

Trying to talk to them basically makes as much sense as screaming at an autistic in the throes of a full-blown meltdown to "CALM THE f**k DOWN AND STOP ACTING LIKE A ret*d FREAK ALREADY!! !!". For the same reasons. With the same result.

PLEASE. LEAVE. THEM. ALONE.

Resist the temptation to click. Resist the temptation to enter. Resist the temptation to "find out what our loved ones really think of us." Just, you know, DON'T. All you're accomplishing is hurting yourself, and feeding the same old fires.

I'd help too. Without being told...

...NOW. At 37, after a lot of figuring things out, and a lot of learning that I'm a subhuman piece of scum that must anticipate and jump to the wishes of anyone if I want to have a place at the table.

At 27??

"My car's stuck."

"That sucks. There's a lot of snow out there."

"And now I have to shovel the car out."

"That blows. Stupid winter. Spring's coming."

At this point, that conversation could have gone two ways:

1: You shake your head, think about what a selfish sucktard I am, and storm out. You grow to hate me, and I wonder why.

2: You say, "Could you help me shovel it out, BB?" Or, "Retardo," or "dummy," or whatever.

"I'd be glad to. Let me get my boots on. Where's the other shovel?" And we go out and shovel out the car, and I shovel with a will, thrilled to my socks that someone actually asked BB the Worthless to contribute, apparently in the belief that she might be of use or worth to those she cares about.

Another way of putting this might be that young people want to effect positive change, and aren't content with a normative status quo that excludes people of value. This has led to such atrocities as votes for women, the gay rights movement, and increased recognition of transgender people. How awful youth and idealism is.


So, your criteria for being able to comment on something is basically being older than everyone else, regardless of what research you people have done, how many other people they know, or what personal relationships people have had? That's convenient... For what it's worth, I have lived experience of meaningful, positive romantic relationships. A key thing they don' t include is rubbishing each other to third parties behind each other's backs and belittling whole communities to which each person belongs. I learned that useful trick from my grandparents AS-NT relationship which has lasted 53 years and counting. If you have a problem with a partner you address it with them, or at least in their presence.



Judging by the content many of them post, I doubt many have done anywhere near the AS reading they should. And you clearly haven't done your social justice homework if you think that it is OK to vent about a minority community which has signficantly less power than you do in away which misrepresents that group, particularly publicly. What is happening there is abusive to our community as a whole, and you can expect continued protests there and a continuation of being called out on it.

I think that people should tell other people that they want other people to help them do things, but the other people should also try to learn that this time people asked for your help, but next time, they could also offer help before people ask if someone mentions a problem situation like a car is stuck in snow.