Does Our Depression Come From Feeling Unloved / Shame ?

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Sherry do you speak a language other than English? I noticed some grammar errors that lead me to think you may speak another language. Or maybe not, just curious. And I think you're the last person I would say is bringing negativity.

Sometimes, one has to accept that one will be unhappy at times. And not deny that there is a "permanent" unhappiness caused by events in the past.

However, I also believe that people should strive towards acquiring an objective perspective--and realize, at least intellectually, that "the past is the past."

I'm not into "denial" at all.

The event causing the emotional pain happened in the past. But the pain is taking place in the present. Like an accident that leaves one paralysed. The accident is past, but the injury continues.

I said "strive." I didn't say that the feeling is invalid.

Hi Sherry. We're not mad at each other. This is something called "constructive debate." We don't insult each other personally. We just disagree.

In the "real world," people are bound to disagree with each other--even "best friends" disagree with each other.

Androbot01, I cannot type well when anxious, because I cannot think clearly either.....It made me feel bad thinking that I made Buyerbeware to feel bad. I am unable to do so under those circumstances.

B19, I did not feel lessened; I just did not know something better to write, something which could be considered as comforting. It is a relief that things are not so bad here, because I did not know how to deal with that.

kraftiekortie, I thought what I wrote caused Buyerbeware distress, and that made me feel bad.

Last edited by Sherry221B on 13 Mar 2015, 4:59 pm, edited 7 times in total.

One must strive for an objective perspective. But what is the objective perspective? I can't figure it out.

We have to, at times, take the "emotional, subjective" elements out of the equation, and deconstruct any depressing situation on a relatively more "intellectual, objective" basis.

Easier said than done? Of course!

But we have to have the idea in our heads, rather than deny the existence of the idea.

Not to worry. There is nothing bad about your posts. It is nice that you care about other's feelings. Some don't. Personally I liked the flow chart.

Why are emotional elements being equated with subjective? Emotions are as valid as intellect.

Apathy does not equate to acceptance nor does acceptance equate to apathy.

Acceptance in regards to experiences is the act of acknowledging that the experience happened, that you had/have a response to it (emotionally), and that you have minimized it's impact on you and future experiences.

For example say you were at the store. While you were in line the person in front of you decided to hold the teller at gun point and demand money. You panic and are immobilized. The thief makes off with the money, and no one is hurt.

Now someone asks you to go to the store with them. What's your reaction? Probably, you remember the last time you were there and the place was robbed in front of you. This elicits a panic response from you (or other emotion depending on how you think). So you refuse to go even though the reality of the same scenario playing out again are astronomically slim. You are also refusing to go to any store, because what if it happens there too.

This follows the basic tenets of human response. You have an experience, you have a reaction to that experience, you form interpretations about that experience, and you had an emotional/physiological reaction about it.

Someone who has accepted what happened will not allow it to affect their ability to go to the store.

Someone who hasn't accepted what happened will allow it affect their ability to go to the store.

Neither show apathy, someone who was apathetic wouldn't have had a reaction to the store being robbed in the first place.

So how do you accept things.

First you have to acknowledge that you felt something and give it a name. In the example above it was fear.

Then you can do things that will help modify/modulate that.

Choose the situation: Say the place was robbed at 10pm. You can choose to go during daylight hours, making it statistically less likely to be robbed. Thus lowering the expectation of it being robbed while you are there.

Modify the situation: You could take self defense classes by your local police department (some will teach what to look for to know if the situation is bad and how to respond appropriately in a manner that allows you the greatest survival rate.)

Shift your attention: Using the above example rather than focusing on every person while you are at the store you could focus on the tiles, the products, etc. (Idea here is that if you expect everyone there is going to rob the place you are more likely to "see" things that are considered suspicious and elevate the anxiety of the thought of it happening again.)

Change your perspective: Rather than focusing on the idea that you experienced a robbery, focus on that you where in a robbery and survived. Which is a pretty interesting story to tell.

Finally...

Acceptance isn't about not caring/ not being interested/being concerned/etc that something happened. It's modulating the emotional impact of that experience. Far from being apathetic. It also doesn't mean you aren't allowed to experience the emotion, you can, but being stuck on it without any resolve isn't acceptance. It's being stuck.

In the above example you can be scared of another robbery and still go to the store, it's what you do with that fear is the difference in acceptance something and not.

Edited to fix spelling err.

Last edited by kicker on 13 Mar 2015, 5:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Emotions tend to have a pretty subjective basis most of the time--but there are times when they have an objective basis as well.

I don't think in absolutes when it comes to these sorts of things. I take it on a "case-by-case" basis. If I'm generalizing, I am wrong to do so.

Emotions are valid, but it is possible to be controlled/compelled by emotions, if one focuses only on feelings and doesn't try to defocus somewhat from negative feelings to take a different view or approach. Perhaps this is similar to what kraftiekortie means, I am not sure. In group therapies, it seemed to help people to defocus from what bad feelings they had during or after some event and analyze things from more of an outside perspective.

You're correct, Btbnnyr. I do believe people are, at times, overly controlled by their emotions. They tend to be blinded by their own subjective impressions, and fail to see the objective reality.

The reason why I could say this is because I've experienced this. I've lost track of the objective reality, instead relying on my subjective impressions. This has lead to bad decisions--especially as far as romance and finances are concerned.

I've learned not to question the validity of people's emotions, though.

I am very moved by hearing the responses to this thread and am curious if any respondents felt some relief or change in feeling after hearing how others share this pain. Someone mentioned being able to experience anger. I think the more one can recognize other emotions and separate them from shame, the greater the healing.

Has anyone found that companionship with the unconditional love from animals has helped in feeling connected?

No one here is alone.

But what is the objective reality?


My dog helps me a lot.