Who Are You?

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I've always been my own drummer, in essence....

Many people love what they are in business in.

Making money out of what they love is an extra delight.

I like amiable weirdos best.

I don’t like the nasty type.

I've really enjoyed this conversation guys. Thank you all for contributing.

I find myself torn between completely embracing my aspergers syndrome and completely covering it up. There are times when I have used it to my advantage and then quickly hidden it away. I don't think this is always right but it might get me a job interview at least.

Throughout this conversation I have learnt that there are good people here who would prefer to hide their disorder/disability/differences rather than stand up and let the world know who you are and what you are about.

I just feel sometimes that unless we accept our autism and unless we embrace that difference ourselves then the rest of the world will never catch up to us and embrace it with us.

i like being autistic

I don't mind being autistic. Autism in me is long overdue in terms of processing.

I don't like being a human.
I don't like being a female in body solely because it affects my function and behaviors and so far unmanageable. It's giving me ADD and BPD like symptoms every other week or so. And I would hate myself if I happened to have either or both.
I don't mind being a female in society.

I don't mind being asexual.
I don't mind being agender.

I don't mind my conscious-like personality, behaviors influenced by autism and controlled by the cortex.
I hate my subconscious personality -- who doesn't? -- mainly influenced by the limbic system whether or not autism is in it too.
I hate being emotional, inconsistent, unpredictable inside, and unreliable.

What I do, I wish it's as relevant -- but I have no time or energy for my own passions and aspirations.
I don't like my job -- my job is mostly consists of playing by my weaknesses and almost never with my strengths. Far from ever identifying myself to it.

What I cannot do or cannot do well -- weaknesses. It's no secret that I don't like words, but it's unavoidable.
It affected my life by that much. I'm just lucky enough to get by with it in academics but not much outside of it. Aging doesn't help. Practice never made it better.
I don't like it.

I don't mind the culture I was born and living in.
I don't like the way this culture works, it's circumstances, it's situations and how it's affecting my life.

I generally don't mind the people around me.
I don't mind those who associates with me.

I don't mind my blood relatives and family -- but they've disappointed me a long, long time ago even before I know the word disappointment.
I need better influence. I might need some competition.

And my philosophies in life and how to live with it? I don't have one.
Maybe because I'm not so easily inspired. Or maybe I just really don't care or even don't like the idea.


So who am I?
I don't have a good relationship towards the body, mind and identity who called herself "Edna".

I don't hate her. I don't pity her. I don't love her either.
But she just frustrates the hell out of me. Because I don't want to have any relationship with her(self). I never have.

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I don’t really have much sense of identity or self-definition aside from things I am not. I neither embrace my autism nor try to separate it from the rest of me. Except for treatment/coping purposes, I don’t see a lot of point in trying to determine what’s caused or not caused by what. I have so many “oddities,” it becomes futile trying to separate anything out like that. I say “I have autism” with no more feeling than “I have brown hair,” “I’m autistic” with no more feeling than “I’m a brunette.” To me it’s just a fact. I have a tendency toward emotional detachment like that overall.

My autism is fairly obvious, it seems most people can at least tell that something’s “off” about me even if they don’t know what. There’s no trying to hide that. If someone asks or it’s necessary, I don’t hesitate to tell them, but usually I don’t bring it up unless someone else does. Unless it’s a situation where someone expects some sort of explanation, or for treatment/coping purposes, why do I need to say “that is due entirely to my autism,” “this is entirely separate from it,” “this other thing is an inherent thing but is affected by the autism”? It’s all there, no category is going away, so I don’t bother trying to sort. I don’t typically view my differences as bad or good, simply different. I have a tendency to let society tell me I’m worthless if I can’t meet its standards, but I don’t attribute the reasons all to one or two things I can separate out.

What makes me stand out? I don’t know. Much of the time I don’t stand out, I just fade into the background. Within ten minutes, I may as well be invisible. A job interview? I’m completely lost, I can’t provide a provable reason to hire me over anyone else. I’m detail-oriented, extremely thorough and perseverent, will make sure the job is done and done well no matter how long it takes (without expecting any extra pay). But there’s no way to prove that if no place will hire me because I don’t have anything tangible going for me. Can’t get experience or a record if no place will give you any because you don’t have any Besides that… I’ve got nothing. Just a bunch of categories I don’t fit.

I have always seen my autism as a diagnosis and defined myself through my words, actions and special interests

I agree that it's really hard to be a female human. I can only cope because of my contraception. Before I had that, I only felt calm and happy for 1 in every 4 weeks. The other 3 weeks I was barely coping mentally and physically.