When did you start to know you were different?

Post Reply New Topic

My mother's side is Scottish, so the fact that I have no expression on my face most of the time never fazed them. I recently talked to my mother about me having Asperger's and she thought all the symptoms were just me being half Scottish! She said "Well if you have Asperger's, all of Scotland must have it too!". I think my Maternal Grandfather actually does and two of my uncles. Having that kind of a family history kinda made me not recognize that most people don't think like I do.

Still I was always an outcast in school, I didn't fit in. My 1st grade teacher hated me and made me hate school in general. It was only until 6th grade where I had a dedicated Science class that I started to love learning. My parents never understood why I was so good at some things and lousy at others. They thought that if you were smart, you would be good at everything.

I really didn't know there was a different way of thinking. I have a lot of trouble with "theory of mind" or understanding what other people are thinking unless it is expressed verbally.

I had troubles with emotions, mostly I felt like I didn't have any but that might have been depression.

It was only after I got married that I realized I wasn't doing things "right". Happily now that we've started looking into Asperger's my wife understands why I have trouble with expressing myself and feels much better about it.

The thing that really set it off was that I watched a Canadian TV show ReGenesis and one of the characters named Bob was a genius with Asperger's, I realized that I was like him in a lot of ways. He actually seemed less unpredictable than the other characters. I know he was an actor just playing the part but I think he did a good job of it.

I started to look into the symptoms and that's where I am now.

Here is a crazy thing...

Try as I might, I cannot ever remember a time when I thought I wasn't "different".

Though, almost until I was diagnosed, I always though there must be something that I could do, or find, that would somehow "flip a switch" in my head so that I would be like other people...

I wasted a lot of time, energy, life and grief on a futile search for that.

M

I never knew I was different. It never really hit me.

Until this past spring when I was basically kicked out of my kids' playgroup. Because I don't discipline my son, because I don't 'see' him doing anything wrong right in front of me, and I don't believe in forcing a kid to apologize. And I don't know how to apologize myself. Big, long email discussions with the other moms that culminated in me feeling like crap about myself, a lot of very wrong accusations being directed at me, and me frustrated that no one understood anything I was trying to explain. Then I wondered, "Why do I not relate to others? I know there is something I am missing, something I can't do, that everyone else takes for granted, and is so natural that there probably isn't even a name for it." I said this to my other online friends, and they were all like, "Do you have autism?" And I'm like, "I don't think so." I'm thinking, autism is something pretty severe, I think if you had it, you would know. Then I came here to WP looking for information and I learned about AS and when I read all the threads, it was like reading my life story.

I dont know when I noticed thaat I was different, I think I always wondered how others could, do things, or act a certain way and what was wrong with me. I always had trouble being with others my age, so I have always noticed, or at least wondered that maybe everyone might feel that ways, or I was just being stupid in how I w=saw things.

That is AS in a nutshell. And that's why the other women targeted you.

I realized that I didn't fit in when I started school.

I have always been different, & always reminded of my differences by my parents, their family members, & others. 1. I was adopted, no other person I knew was adopted especially from outside of one's naturally family. 2. I was a lefty. No one else was a lefty, & I was reminded constantly. Punished my very first day of school because of it. 3. I didn't act/respond like other kids.

The list goes on....

Hi - new here (just posted in another thread for newbies). When I read through the last couple of messages, in particular, for this thread - it was like reading about myself. I have ALWAYS felt like something was missing with me that a lot of others seem to come by naturally. I am 37 and when my daughter (17) was younger I tried to fit in with other moms for the sake of my daughter being in playgroups, etc and nothing ever worked. Eventually I was always ignored and I always felt like I never fit in anywhere. My daughter was kicked out of a babysitting arrangement when she was around 9 years old and I always tried to get an explanation as to why from the babysitter but never really got what I felt was an honest one. She only ever said that she had too many kids and needed others to find alternative arrangements - the next week I saw this same babysitter at the city park with three new kids she was watching. Go figure.

Looking back I can see, more realistically, how this all played out and why, along with my part in it. I've never felt I have fit in anywhere after about the 5th grade, whether it was something related to my kids or myself. I don't fit in with my family or my in-laws and only have a couple of friends who I don't see very much (by choice now and mostly life circumstances). I actually don't mind spending time alone and often times prefer it but when I was growing up, THAT was a different story. Back then I wanted to fit in like most kids want to and school was hellish starting with junior high - I was either ignored or being bullied most the time. I was also very bored with the school curriculum and never felt challenged enough academically.

Always knew I was different. Wasn't until 6th grade that I realized that being different caused my social woes, like having no friends and being an easy bully target.

Didn't connect it with Autism/AS until I became a summer cams counselor for kids with special needs. It was rather eye opening seeing kids doing the same things I did at that age. Around the same time, I learned my cousin is PDD-NOS. I'd never realized he was "different", the rest of my family did. Ironic enough, he was often compared to me at that age.

And you know, right when I was figuring this all out, one of the other moms has a child with autism, and I sent her two very, very heartfelt emails asking for support/ how to get diagnosed/ basically, 'please help me, I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings, I didn't mean to. You're the only one who might understand me.' And she never emailed me back.

I was lucky and Dx'd really early, so I've grown up knowing I'm an Autie.
However, only the past 3 or 4 years have I noticed how much I've noticed how different I actually am.

NT parents of autistic kids are not necessarily more compassionate of other autistics. In many cases, like my mother, they're less compassionate than anyone else.

Mechaninima:

How true for me as well! Though, since I have really started to figure AS out in my thirties, I think a lot of this searching throughout my lif, in the end, may actually help me; though I am really looking forward to my natural self.

I always thought maybe it was my upbringing, or something I never learned how to do (i.e.socialize effictively in groups); who new it was natural for most people. It took me until my 30's to realize this. I guess I'm that clueless.

One thing though that might have contributed to my lack of realization of my own social difference, is that somehow people (and girls) have always seemed to like me, in the right circles, even though I only signed in as "present" if you know what I mean (didn't contribute much, just went along for the ride). Lessoned learned: Nice clothes and an innocent looking face can get you far in this world.

THough I never really lasted that long in any circle.

about 3. No matter how hard I tried, I just didn't fit in anywhere. I felt so alone.

You know, the more I think about it, it's the NT women who are the ones who take it upon themselves to uphold social norms. 95% of the time, "why can't you ______, you just don't do that/why can't you do that!" comes from an NT who is female. This is why, even as a aspie female, I never had too many female friends. I always got along with males much better (nt and spectrum, etc, except for a few non-nt females I've been friends with from time to time).

In addition, I don't feel any "different" than the next human. I feel the same as everyone else in what I am (i.e., a human).

I'm really not any different than the next person.