First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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My dad still doesn't believe, but it's not a bad thing. I mean, his attitude is that I'm human, I'm toward the edge of the bell curve of normal variation, I should be treated like a human, and everybody has some kind of strengths and weaknesses. He essentially accepts that I'm an Aspie because he accepts every single aspect of it (at least as much as he accepts my other strengths and flaws), but he doesn't accept that I can be called that. Arguing the point is a matter of semantics.

Thanks for the revelation. That's a very positive way to look at the situation.



My dad wrote me almost the exact same thing after I sent him some materials on AS.
PS I think the fact that he's an NT with many aspie traits also makes him doubt there's actually something called AS.

It sounds very difficult for you, Kiley! I really hope as time passes your ex husband will choose to face the reality, speaking as someone who knows how it feels when a parent doesn't accept who his child really is.

I had a meeting with an OT about social skills today and we were talking about small talk. She gave me a few things to bring up like the weather, or celebrities, or current events. I said, "But I don't care about that. Am I supposed to fake it and talk about things I don't care about?" And she said yes, that you fake it because it will open up conversation and give you both the chance to talk about something that matters.

Is this true? Do NTs just fake it? Can anyone explain this because it still doesn't make sense to me.

There are times when you have to feign an interest in a topic you have no interest in. It depends on the context and your motivation/needs. For example, when I was younger I got good at making small talk and feigning interest in the dumbest topics simply so I could meet girls. Deep down inside I disdained the small talk (still do), but the discomfort was worth it because I really wanted to meet girls. As I got older I learned that engaging in small talk is a necessary part of life if you want to appear to be polite, pleasant, and sociable. Nowadays, its kind of like a formula, or a tool to get through life with minimal stress. Most of my conversations are with friends, family members, and co-workers who've known me for awhile and so there is no need for small talk with these people. However, occasionaly there is a need to talk to strangers or acquaintances, for example at the bank or the ticket counter, and engaging in small talk most certainly helps in these situations because "...you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar." If you want to meet new people, engaging in a certain amount of small talk is part of the formula at the beginning, but as you get to know people and let them get to know you, the small talk goes away and the conversations become more meaningful. To answer your question, not all NTs fake it, and some people on the spectrum have learned to fake it quite well. Hope this helps

PS, I really liked your other avatar, I think it was Hazel from Watership Down. I'm a big fan of Richard Adams and his books.

Absolutely! We/they fake it all the time. It's a social necessity. I fake interest in my friends interests and they fake interest in mine. What we really are interested in is each other. Generally, if the NTs have good social skills, such chat is extremely helpful.

Among established friends it can be a way to connect and reinforce the friendship without having to deal with more important issues. If I run into a close friend at the supermarket I might want to talk to them without my ice cream melting, or strangers overhearing what we are talking about. Grumbling about the weather etc is a great way to do this.

Small talk is also a great way to assess if a stranger or aquaintance is good to talk to about certain subjects. While talking about weather etc you can get a pretty good idea of their general mood and/or temperment. Talking about celebrities or current events can also help to gauge whether the person is likely to have extreme religious or political views that one might want to talk to them about or avoid talking to them about. If they express extreme disappointment with a certain actor for "loose values" or drug use odds are they are more conservative.

Small talk is more about what isn't said than about what is. Not all NTs have great social skills or have any clue how to use small talk to avoid conflict or avoid other social problems, but for those of us who do it's really great stuff. I'm not NT, but I can do small talk, when I have a reason to.

50% of my job is small talk. Sometimes I just feel like yawning cuz it is SO boring! I always try to move the conversation along quickly and get to something juicy

Unfortunately you have to feign interest in this stuff in order to build bridges with people and get them to trust you.

Thanks.

And thanks, Kiley and Kiseki. The OT had me practice and said I was doing okay. I can learn to make small talk. It seems to be easier with people I already know.

So when people tell me other people care about what they talk about with each other, they're lying, and friendship really is about making sure you let the other person monologue boringly as much as you do?

...To the NTs, what does interpersonal interaction mean to you?

I care about what other people are talking about as long as it's something deep and/or interesting. I like to hear other peoples' views on things, but NOT some stupid prattle about sports or fashion etc.

Not exactly. When I'm listening to a friend monologue about something that I'm not interested in I'm usually enjoying being with my friend and not totally bored out of my mind. I may entertain myself by making observations of their mood, health etc.

Friendship is also about gauging the other person's interest level and limiting the monologuing to levels they find agreeable. We also try to steer the conversation into areas that are interesting for both parties. My son is very interested in robotics and I'm not. I am interested in artificial intelligence. When he starts monologuing about robots I'll often steer him toward AI which is something we both enjoy talking about. As an Aspie he doesn't always take the bait, but then I tell him what I'm doing and why.

None of that is small talk. That's all the stuff that comes after small talk if things go well with the conversation and/or there is time and opportunity for more. With a good friend there may be little or no need to even bother with the small talk.

Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that when people ask me how other people I just interacted with are doing, it's because they think I actually know?

...Oh...

I fail to see why you would consider small talk the priority when it gets nothing done and isn't interesting in itself. Couldn't your goals be better achieved by an in-depth discussion of a mutual interest? (If you don't have a mutual interest, couldn't your goals be better achieved by not interacting?)

Kiley addressed this, but to say it a little differently.

No. We've been talking about small talk in particular, and monologuing is NOT small talk.

Also, while there is small talk in friendship, it's not the only kind of conversation, and the closer the friendship, the more there's going to be conversation that goes beyond small talk.

I'm right there with you. How many times have I found myself walking
away from an NT interaction, muttering under my breath, 'I just
don't get it'!

Yes, people really do want to know how other people are doing.

Some goals are best met through deeper conversation, but not all. For instance, I'm a deeply religious person. I enjoy discussing my beliefs but I don't really care to argue about them in a combative way. I can use small talk to get a general feel for how a stranger/potential friend might handle a more in depth discussion. I can bring up various current events to see how they react. If I don't like their answers I can avoid those topics with them.

Sometimes small talk is just a way to greet a friend and express mutual concern for each other. This week I ran into a very close friend at Wal-Mart. Neither of us wanted to discuss our private business in front of crowds of strangers, so we just commented on the weather. I reminded her that she's got the key to my house if her AC goes out and she knows she's always welcome here (It's extremely hot, her health is frail and, her AC isn't reliable). We promised to have lunch together soon and I think we asked each other for any news of various mutual friends. Then we went back to shopping. The conversation made me feel really good because I care about this lady a great deal, and she was able to let me know that other people I care about are OK.

Wow, thanks!

...Now I'll have to try to ascertain whether people are okay from their body language. Huh. Well, at least now I know that's what's expected!