How to Find Your Joy in Autism

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So many people are quick to blame autism for the negativeness in their lives. True---there are challenges. But everyone has challenges and negatives in their lives---including NTs. We must view autism as only a difference, not some hideous monster that's out to get us. For those of you who refuse to do nothing but hate your autism, well, then I guess you have decided to be miserable for the rest of your life. And for that matter, there are plenty of NTs who hate their lives too. No matter what we do, we are the way we are. Autism is a difference, and if you are miserable and want to be happy---then you must find a different approach.

For me, autism has given me challenges socially in that I was never able to have friends like "everyone else." Autism has made my interpretations of figurative meanings, humor, body language, etc. extremely difficult. Autism gave me 19 challenging years of teaching high school English. Finally, my past 2 years of high school teaching is satisfying because I have been placed as the gifted intervention specialist. And autism has created for me many other challenging situations like effective play with my sons and being the husband that my NT wife needs. But since my family has accompanied me to therapy, we have gained a better understanding of each other.

Well...here is some advice on how to be happy with your autism if you are not. If you don't wish to give this a try, then don't bother with it. But if you do want to try it, it might work. It's worth a try.

*When I was going through therapy, my wife thought it would be a good idea to keep a journal. I started to keep one, though I failed to keep it going later on. My therapist liked the idea too. A journal is a good way to understand yourself better. It can help you determine what things work, and what things don't.

*A psychology professor once told our class, "People have a tendency to think 45% in the past, 45% in the future, and 10% in the present." Think about that. That says that most people spend 45% of their time dwelling on/regretting the past (or thinking back on pleasant memories), 45% worrying about the future (or looking forward to the future), and only 10% focusing on the "now." The past has already happened and it cannot be changed. It must be let go. We must move on. The professor said it would be much better to increase the percentage of time we spend in the "now" and decrease the time in the past and future. However, it is important to learn from past encounters and plan for the future. But, more time should be spent in the "now."

*I have adopted this belief that for those of us with autism, we must search for and find our gifts. These gifts could be fascinations or interests, or talents, etc. They are like birthday presents that must be unwrapped and accepted. If we appreciate them and nurture them they just might reward us with thrilling adventures in discovery. They might give us joy and happiness. I can relate to this in one particular episode in my life. I was extremely close to my grandparents on my mother's side of the family. Over 15 years ago my grandmother was killed in a car accident, and my grandfather died shortly later. I was grief stricken. I gathered up brochures, booklets, etc. on telescopes and absorbed myself into them. I didn't ignore the things going on at our house like family and friends bringing in food, etc. But, during the time that we were just sitting around numb, I absorbed into my world of telescopes---and that really helped me get through the difficult times. You see, I had some guilt situations with this. First, I was supposed to visit them a few days before the accident, but I didn't because I was rehearsing for a music gig. Second, my grandmother had asked me to talk to my mother about her state of mind (my grandmother was having some difficult personal problems). I never did even though I told her I would. Also, I should have pushed to have my grandfather quit driving because he was becoming a challenged driver. But I did not. I could dwell on this and be miserable, but I cannot. Had I taken his license away, and the wreck never happened, then they would have lived awhile longer and now probably be deceased (they would now be well in their 90s). And I would have felt guilty for taking something away from him that was dear to him---his license---his independence. Things cannot be changed...we must move on. And those telescopes got me through by absorbing my thoughts into intersts. I guess what I am saying is that especially for those of with autism, interests are an important way to carry us through life. Those interests can help get our minds off of more challenging things and into fun/positive things.

*Most importantly...we are the way we are. No matter what kind of "brain" we have, we are going to live with it. We must accept ourselves for who we are. We cannot look at how other people get along in the world and say, "I wish I were like them." There might just be things in our lives that those other people look at say, "I wish I was like them (us)." So...we should relax and get to know ourselves better---and accept ourselves. We must find those things that are positives and use them in our lives. We should take pride in ourselves. We can make a difference in the world.

*There are other things too that can work for us with autism. Just search around on the internet using positive search words in regards to AS/autism. And I would imagine that there are many of you that can add positive advice too for this thread.

Hi, Glider18. I really admire your positive approach and your honest and methodical way of thinking through your experiences.

As a high school English teacher myself, I can barely imagine how difficult it must have been for you to teach English while experiencing problems with "figurative meanings, humor and body language", as well as dealing with the constant speaking and interaction required, particularly with teenage students. I'm NT, with no communication difficulties at all, and I find high school English teaching exhausting at times myself.

I'm glad you've found a teaching role that suits you so well. I'm sure you are able to give your students useful perspectives on their learning.

Best wishes, Jenny.

Hi Jenny---the figurative meanings? Ohhh, yes it was challenging. For example, I always had my students watch a PBS short story showcase film called "Two Thanksgiving Day Gentlemen" by O. Henry. You know, it took me like ten years before I finally understood the ending---the irony. There have been many occasions in my English teaching past where I didn't understand those figurative meanings. I even asked other teachers before on help with this stuff.

I am glad that the gifted intervention position opened up for me too. I have to be honest Jenny, I was getting burned out fast. My fellow teachers were seeing the misery in me too. Now, those teachers have told me that I now seem happy with teaching. I believe I am helping the gifted students in their learning. There are a lot of similarities between AS and giftedness. So we help each other in the classroom.

You must have been incredibly determined and hardworking to have remained an English teacher for so long- I'm not surprised you were suffering burn-out. I'm glad that your teaching colleagues seem to have been supportive.

I teach mainly senior English, including an English subject with a large linguistics component, and figurative language is something that often comes up. We also discuss paralinguistic behaviour (facial expressions, gesture and body language) and the prosodic features (pitch, stress, intonation, etc)- areas that would probably be challenging for a teacher with AS.

English teaching requires a LOT of verbal interaction as well, more than most subjects, and that must have been a huge strain on you- it certainly wears ME out sometimes. I've known a number of Math, Science and Computer Science teachers who have appeared to be on the autistic spectrum, but no English teachers that I can recall.

I can see how working with gifted students would be a much better fit for you.

at glider 18 It's a bit hard for me at the moment to have a contribution to this thread, but I wanted to say how much I respect and admire your posts. You seem to have a wonderful mind and personality.

Hi Sallamandrina, and thank you for posting...and thank you for the compliment. I have plenty of down times like everyone else around here, but I always try to find joy. Trying to remain focused mainly on the good things is a great way to be happier in life. Look at your interests and the positive things around you. They are there. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thanks for this thread, glider18.

You've shared some valuable lessons from your hardships, and it is admirable that you've come through it with an optimistic attitude. I am a teacher as well, and I never understood why I was having difficulties similar to yours, until I found out about Autism and Asperger's. It is a daily challenge, for sure. Thanks in large part to the information from this site, as well as my own research, I've learned methods of accomodating the way I experience the world, so that I can at least get by, if not actually do well.

I certainly find myself wavering between hopefulness and abandon. One minute I am thinking constructively about life and the things I do. The next, I am ready to give up and leave it all behind; break all ties and completely lose it.

Recently, I've realized that a large part of the way I stay positive and find joy comes down to my living situation... I need to create an environment for myself that works with my autistic traits, not against them.

Right now, I live in a modest, clean, suburban home in a nice neighborhood. But I'm miserable. I've made bad choices, and I'm trapped around people I can't stand. They're miserable too. I'm anxious all the time and occasionally depressive. I eat and drink too much, and can't ever seem to get enough sleep, so my body and brain are a wreck. I spend every day feeling defeated, waiting for the day to be over.

When I used to live by myself, it was in dirty apartments in the bad part of town. I was poor and alone. But I was HAPPY. I was following my own interests and generally being myself. I wasn't paralyzed by anxiety. Each day was exciting and ripe with possibility. Sure, I was still a social oddball, and not "making much of myself" by other peoples' standards. But I woke up looking forward to life. That's obviously more important.

Currently, I am in the terrible and painfully lengthy process of getting out of where I am at.
It involves money, property, a child, and years of history, so it's very complicated. But it has to happen. If I stay where I am, it will mean more misery for everyone involved. When I think about the future, and the different arrangement that must come about, I start to feel a twinge of that joy again...

I think that if there is a 'monster out to get us then that is not our Asperger syndrome/autism but the bigotry of neurotypicals which they are biologically wired to dish out. whether discrimination in jobs,relationships. My experience whith job hunting in the past is to be discriminated at the door basically because I'm not neurotypical. I saw this prcess of selection unfair a sort of an old boy/girl network favouring the neuortypical. Relationships are like that as well. Where people fail us. This is a reason why Asperger syndrome people have specialist interests whether it be mathematics, physics, palaeontology, organic chemistry or another branch of human knowledge. This can bring our pleasures.

Hi I'm lee, 30 and from Hertfordshire. Ive only just realized i have Asperger's. I stumble across after a very hard life.

All i can say is i have seen every horrid little place this world has to offer.

But I'm not going to tell you. I'm leaving my story to a book that will make me millions or close people i meet along the way.

Ive have seen a lot of people on this site moaning about Asperger's syndrome like its some horrid little virus that want go away.

Let me say that even though i haven't had a diagnosis (YET),and i hope i haven't got it?

If i have got Aspergers what a gift to have..... I'm honest, i don't lie, I'm caring to the point of loyalty. Amazing!! I cant loss ! !!

Because i didn't have a clue about me. I just thought i was mad..... But no I'm gifted like an x-men.

I will never loss an argument, because ungifted people lie. Because of my anxiety and my Army training when push come to shove I will always win. (Does anyone else get rushes on adrenaline)?

Look at the ungifteds Big world!! ! LIES..........LIES........LIES. Do you really want to live in that world? NO THANK YOU ! !! !!

Ive lived a so called Normal life.. And it isn't much funny.

I believe my little girl has the gift to...... And that's a battle on its own.

So I'm sorry but instead of moaning, Jump on the x-men or women ship and lets get on with it.

P.s I am looking to meet people with the gift and make some friends along the way...... I don't care who you are as long as your a nice person....

Thank you everyone for posting so far.

Acacia---you have definitely given me a greater insight into your world. I truly wish you the best of luck in your situation---may you find all the happiness that you deserve. You have always seemed like a very nice and reasonable individual. I thank you for your comments. It has been a challenge for me to remain optimistic at many times in my life. Teaching is definitely a more challenging career for us on the autistic spectrum. Like you, it took my diagnosis of AS to realize why I had difficulties relating to some students and the administration. So the optimistic and positive attitude I try to focus on pulls me through most of the time. But it can be tough at times. Lately I have been battling anxiety issues. But, I am engaging into my interests and that helps me. But most of all, it helps hearing from people like you that believe in my philosophy of positive thinking. Thank you so much.

Aspiewordsmith---I appreciate your speaking so honestly and bluntly about your experiences. I feel it helps to vent these from time to time. Even though you have had your share of bad experiences, it is wonderful that you can turn around and say of interests that they "can bring our pleasures." I wish you the best of luck in your future.

DARKNESS---I bet those horrid little places can be scary . You have definitely baited us for your book to see what these places are. I hope you can get this book published. I am trying to write a novel---fiction is a challenge for me. I am so happy that you view Asperger's as a gift. That is one of my philosophies---Asperger's is a gift that needs to be unwrapped, accepted, nurtured, and then it can be an amazing gift for us. Thank you for your sharing your views. And I look forward to your book.

Me, too. Knowing about my autism has been very positive, but lately I've been realizing that it also means some of the things I've been striving to do all my life, I'll never accomplish. That's been kind of hard to realize. Plus the overload of living in a family of five (I'm the mother) and realizing that my life is very much not set up to work with my autistic traits. We're working on that now (I have a really wonderful husband), but it's not like just knowing about my autism has magically transformed things so I suddenly have hours of alone time, less clutter, less noise, and all the other things that I need. Nor has knowing about my autism suddenly made all those things easier to bear just because now I know why they are so hard for me.

I would say this is not the most positive section of my journey with autism so far (in terms of how it feels), but it's a necessary one, and I'm on the right track. Five years ago I was in the recognition and validation phase, feeling so relieved and even elated that I knew what was going on with me. That's since made way for the harder realization that it's never going to change, and thus some things I always thought about myself / my abilities are not accurate.

I'll be honest.....whenever I talk about my Autism in public--i.e. not explaining things about it to my future mother-in-law and my girlfriend--I actually joke about it in regards to situations where it's considered a disadvantage.

Like I'll say something like "yeah....brilliant; yer asking these idiots to take the Autistic guy selling them ice cream seriously; oh yeah, that's gonna happen"; and I say it in sort of a sarcastic way, but not in a way to sound intentionally negative or anything.

In truth, I'm not bothered by my obvious lack of social skills; like I said, I find the world of socialization to be phony and overrated.

Autism has really been the ultimate blessing in disguise, as it seemed like my traits caused nothing but disasters in my youth; having finally grown into my skin, it's only thoroughly helping me progress in my field to amazing lengths.

In fact, I'd also like to share with everyone I have some sort of interesting--and somewhat positive--news:

1. After reading some threads here recently about bad memories regarding our pasts, I decided to just stop looking at the profiles of my former classmates and whatnot on Facebook; I just decided it was time to stop inviting in the bad memories of pain, as well as let it obviously kick in that I was never gonna be understood by these people; hell, most people now don't get me either.

Regardless, I decided for some reason when on Facebook today to just go over my entire "Friends" roster on Facebook for some reason...yeah, I requested to add a few more, but....going to the profiles...it just...didn't feel the same. I felt like I'm finally ready to move on from it; I'm so busy these days with my business, and just doing things to improve my life now. I went to one person's profile--and again--it just wasn't the same. It felt like...."been there, done that". So yeah, I finally feel more comfortable with moving on now; it's nice!

2. I recently took a quiz on Facebook called "what's your inner nationality"; mine was American, and there was one thing about the quiz I'll never forget; it said "due to your constantly changing ideas and mentality, your oldest friends may not accompany you all the way thru life; probably not"

That got me thinking about my now former best friend, who's just sort of a friend now. In truth, what happened with him was the straw that broke the camel's back, but part of me was already believing he and I were slowly going our separate ways; life had come between us, and he had his way to go, and I had mine.

Do I regret what happened? Not for a second; it's just part of life. I didn't "need" him anymore.

Now, one area where I've learned a way around is this: due to my poor social skills, and the fact that I'm a really scrawny nerdy-looking guy, consider me the ultimate target; so everyone and their mom tries to take advantage of me. Well, I plan on making my company bigger and bigger, opening distribution centers all over the world eventually. At least regarding the one I plan to open in my town, I know the people punching in every day won't take me seriously as their boss; I've already been verbally assaulted by some drunk @$$hole at my job...the guy was in his '40s, btw. So, I've already asked a few of my bosses if they'd be willing to work for me...and they said yes

Might I add...these two guys: they're decent guys, great to talk to and just lay back and relax with...but you don't start up with them; they know how to put people in their places when they start up. And they "know the people" around here. So, it works out.

Basically, my greatest asset is my smarts as I'm discovering, and finding ways to work around what appear to be difficult situations. When you see a giant mountain blocking your path, sure...you could climb it and climb down; in my case, I'm learning how to go around the mountain, and still be on top

One of my biggest joys is making others happy through music. It's amazing how music has power over everybody in some form, and being the conduit of that power is an absolutely amazing experience. Playing with soul has always come extremely naturally to me, and it's something that people noticed about my music from a very early age that set me apart from my peers.

I've always seen and interpreted the world a bit differently, yet I am almost never bothered by this. I suspect it's largely because my parents (my mother in particular) were always encouraging me to be myself and not worry about what others thought. I don't think I ever realized how crucial this was for me as a developing child until about a month ago. That's when I first started connecting the dots about possibly being autistic.

My mother reminded me of an assignment I had in first grade where we were given a coloring book and were to color in a "happy giraffe." Everyone in the class colored the giraffe brown and yellow... except me. I colored it blue, red, orange, green, etc. It struck me as "happier" with those colors. This upset my mother a bit when I first brought the assignment home. She thought to herself, "He knows that giraffes are brown and yellow. Why would he color a giraffe with all of these colors?" She worried about it until one of her friends told her, "You're worried about that?? That's the kind of creative thinking you should be encouraging!" I think from then on, there weren't ever any doubts about letting me be myself.

I was an extremely joyous little child, and any of my relatives or teachers would be the first to tell you that. Growing up, that joy was never tainted or suppressed by bad experiences. While I was bullied, I never felt peer pressure or other reason to conform. During those formidable years, I was too busy discovering myself to worry about what others thought.

Because I could just be myself growing up, I believe that I have kept much of that childhood joy with me to this day. Sometimes it comes out when I am doing something new or discovering something about the world, and I will laugh out loud or laugh uncontrollably in joy, very much the way a child would. That's something to celebrate, not something to be ashamed of.

So I have definitely found my joy in autism... assuming that I am autistic. I've been going back and forth about this recently quite a bit. To be honest, I question whether I really am on the spectrum because I've had so little difficulty being who I am. The idea that I might easily be prone to depression and anxiety because of AS is completely foreign to me. And while I've had social trouble over the years, it's never been crippling; I've been able to figure stuff out well enough to get by and just be "charmingly naive and a bit quirky" in the mind of most.