Could use an opinion or two... maybe three...
I found this website when I was trying to pinpoint what's been going on with me for most of my adulthood and presumably my childhood too. I've had problems with feeling detached from others, feeling like I'm being put on the spot, or that something is expected out of me. Here are some problems that have come up frequently and have become problems with being able to function normally in everyday life.
I can't make eye contact with people for longer than a minute or otherwise I get too nervous. The other day, I ran into a professor from a class I loved and I haven't seen him in about a year. For the entire five minutes or so that we talked, I couldn't keep my eyes on him and I even felt that he realized that too. When I assumed he knew it too, I became embarrassed enough that I felt I had to leave. I emailed him later and apologized if I put him off by not making eye contact with him.
Relating to that, I become very apologetic if I feel that I've done something wrong even if nothing has been said to me that what I've done is wrong. My professor emailed me back saying there was no need to be sorry, but I haven't been able to email him back yet because I'm embarrassed over my embarrassment now.
I also feel hugely responsible for any mistake I make (or perceived mistake) to the point where I become destructively self critical. This is where my panic attacks seem to come from. When I become critical like that, I become very defensive, and any criticism I hear becomes a personal attack. I then start to examine everything I do or say. If I tell someone I'm doing okay, I start to nag at myself for lying and for how presumably unconvincing I was at saying I'm alright. Then that turns into a downward spiral where I just criticize my every action because everything turns into an attempt to hide the fact that I'm not feeling okay or secure about anything. This continues until my breathing becomes so short that my body starts to turn numb. When this happens, my head becomes dizzy and hot and feels like it's pulsing with energy. If I can't control myself from there, then I start crying uncontrollably until my breathing returns to normal and my head cools down.
Any form of yelling turns my stomach into knots. In the 5th grade, my teacher was yelling at another student for something wrong he did, something I've never done in school, and I still felt all of her frustration for him directed at me.
Whenever I go to lectures or discussions for class, I tend to pick a seat away from most people or closest to the door. Also, in situations like that, I often think about what will happen to prepare myself for anything. It's like a worst case scenario I have to run through my head.
When I was a child, from about 4 or so until I was about 12, I would walk on the tiling in our kitchen like it was a checkerboard and I could only walk on the black tiles so that it would form a perfectly symmetrical pattern. It was only when I realized how ludicrous it was, what I was doing, that I decided it was time to drop that habit.
Also as a child during Christmas, I would stack my presents all in one long line because for one reason or another, I really liked how it looked. I did this until I was about 11 or 12.
I almost constantly bite at my cuticles or the inside of my mouth. This habit used to be so bad to the point where I'd accidentally make myself bleed, or I'd try to keep biting until I got to the point of bleeding.
I have a very hard time discussing my emotions with others and often even being able to understand what my emotions are. A lot of my friendships are ruined when I keep this distance from them. I have a hard time maintaining longterm friendships because of this and because I feel very uncomfortable becoming close with people, sometimes to the point where my embarrassment forces me to end the friendship.
Sometimes I feel like I'm surviving from day to day instead of making something out of my life.
There's probably a lot more for me to write on this, but I'd like some second opinions and someone to talk to if anyone's willing. I'm just sick of feeling detached all this time, but the more I think my problems are related to Autism/Asperger's, the more sense it makes and that makes me feel more comfortable with myself.
welcome to WP. check out the threads and the posts here and see if you identify.
It may help.
I cannot tel you if you have an ASD or not. Read up on the subject and research it.
IF you can, ask your parents for feedback about your childhood and behaviours.
Whatever the case may be, you are welcome here and I hope you can find some answers to your search.
The Minnesota Syndrome, commonly known as Mental Frostbite.
First point, normal does not exist, never did.
There are more kinds of ASDs than bugs.
At first I thought there was something wrong with all those social people, but on closer inspection, it is just a lack of content covered with small talk.
So welcome to WP, we do have fun here, and you will find others like yourself.
I personally have several of your symptoms. I would like to add one thing though. I don’t think having a hard time discussing your emotions with others and often even being able to understand what your emotions are has anything to do with the distance you feel from people. Even if you learned to discuss and understand your emotions you would probably still feel distant from regular people but at least it should help you to become close to some person you really like and who likes you in return.
Coadunate, thank you. That's pretty much my current situation. I feel miles away from all of my friends and there's literally one person I trust right now, but he's made so much of a difference for me. That's basically why I'm trying to figure myself out so that he and I can keep being close so I don't lose him either. It's not like I fear that I'll lose him, but I know that me feeling distant all the time affects him too, and that's something I can't have right now.
Another thing I remembered from my childhood is that I couldn't really take jokes at all. Anyone in my family would try to pull pranks on me or joke around with me and I seriously wouldn't understand it and would sometimes get defensive. This all made me feel confused because I couldn't understand why my family was making me feel like that, and then I felt worse that it was just a joke I didn't get. I also got bullied in elementary school a lot too, and it made me feel pretty much the same way, defensive. I never really understood why I had to feel like that. I didn't really feel like I had a choice either. It's like I had to defend myself. Does that make sense?