Manipulative Aspies

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As much as Aspies are bullied by others, a minority of Aspies are far from immune to a manipulative streak themselves.

At an Aspie meetup I attended this weekend, I witnessed (and tried my best to intervene) in the following incidents.

1) One Aspie going on and on towards another Aspie, fault finding and psychoanalysing him in a way that was clearly mind-colonising and made him very uncomfortable. He offered him a drink, he wanted a soft drink but manipulated him into having a shandy i.e. something at least semi-alcoholic.

2) One Aspie bombarding another Aspie with banter and a dry sense of humour to which he found it difficult to respond, trying to get him to respond in collusion to judgmental statements he made about other members of the group, nudging him when there was no response and making him uncomfortable.

It's clearly a minority but I have certainly seen it on occasion.

I wonder how common this is? I've thought for a while that my mother has narcissistic or histrionic personality disorder combined with bipolar disorder, but my sister suggested she might have AS.

all I know is she was hypercritical when I was a child, demanded everything be done her way, was neglectful, verbally and physically abusive, always told us kids what we were feeling and why we did things, and pretty much stopped parenting once we could get ourselves to and from school.

family life was so painful. if anyone disagreed with her, she'd paint them a hateful, unloving, backstabbing mercenary and try to get everyone else in the family to take sides. she seems to have no problem rewriting reality to suit her needs, which is why I question my sister's suggestion that she has AS.

it's interesting that you observed this in other Aspies. it seems to be contrary to the typical person with AS, though, from what I've read. when I get to meet with the specialist I'm scheduling with, I think I'll ask about this.

I'm seeing a theme in what you said.. that it made someone uncomfortable. So it was people who aren't able to correctly judge others' nonverbal social cues, doing things that made people uncomfortable... but from a normal person, may have been acceptable if the other person was OK with it. Was the meet-up supposed to be like a social practice thing? Maybe part of it was an attempt to try out things that NTs can normally do, and part was inability to recognize when the other person is uncomfortable? And wouldn't you expect everyone to already be a bit uncomfortable anyways? So maybe the people doing it figured it was the "normal" uncomfortableness an aspie feels in social situations?

I think a lot of aspies will be so used being the victim in this situation that when they come across someone who is more socially submissive than they are they might find it hard to stop themseves from slipping into this kind learned behaviour, combined with the poor judgement thing, difficulty in seeing what the other is feeing and the tendancy to get carried away it's understandable. They probably didn't realise they were doing it or coudn't stop themselves but it's definitely a good thing you intervened.

My grandma runs a li'l 5 man cult half the country away.

She is hyperintelligent, quirky, etc, and I have NO DOUBT she has AS.

She grew up in the '50s, had a HORRIBLE life(Early marriage, dead-beat husband, +AS in ze 50s)

So when her youngest got into a car accident I SUSPECT she fell apart, all psychosis-like. And apparently, "god" saved my dad. She nursed him back to health, and, sliiiiiiiiiiiightly delusional, she now thinks she's the next-in-line of Noah, Moses, Jesus and Muhammed.

Spooky woman, and she actually demonised my mom for doubting her (dangerous) suggestions. Also, every time something bad happened in OUR household, gramps jumped right on the case and bullied my mom into thinking it was HER fault.

One time, my mom was on the brink of death(!) in the hospital, she dinnae let us see her, at all(Yes, her choice, not doctor-orders, my mom BEGGED ta see us), but instead fed us bitter, yucky food, pinched and hurt us, and generally made us afraid.

Luckily, by then I realized she was being nasty, and began realizing she was a SPOOKY woman.

So when my mom fled, when I was 7, It took me about a month to go into "acceptance" mode.


MY POINT being, trauma combined with a lucky streak at "comprehending" human communication(Imput/output, like ME) can lead to turning your cold understanding, like the social analytics of sociopaths, into a WEAPON. For self-preservation/building a bubble of safety.

It something of which I am occasionally been accused and I tried to analyse my behaviour. There are two incidents when this happen:

1) Making monologues about my current obsession and so controlling the group - too Aspie-like

2) The second issue is more interesting: When I am in group of unknown (or not well known) person, I try to become a kind of "chair man", setting so the rules. I think do so because I found it over the years a "good" way for me to protect me from social situations and keep such situations manageable, especailly if no formal set of rules is given. Thinking about this, I found this behaviour more-and-more problematic and normally try not to use it too often.

People absorb sociopathic values from living in a sociopath dominated culture, it can be quite difficult to reject those values as they become 'normal', particularly around 'weaker' people.

Many people can be manipulative, whether they are Aspie or NT. It's usually people that have higher intellegence, the ability to read people, or ones that have personality disorders or other mental problems that are the most manipulative though.

I don't think my mother is good at reading people. she's usually seriously convinced that people either all love her, or they're out to get her. she got fired from a job where I was also working because the store owner's couldn't handle how pushy she was, and she went around telling everyone I got her fired because I wanted her job.

truth was, I was sick over it for weeks and I wanted to quit so she couldn't blame it on me, and the bosses begged me to stay and I did because leaving would have left them in a real bind.

I guess it's possible my mother is AS, but as far as I can tell she believes she's perfect and I don't think I'll ever understand her.

Hmmm. When I was a child my parents used to say I was manipulative. A lot of it had to do with me demanding that adults get involved in my special interests. I'm not sure that I was really aware of what I was doing though.

I think i am pretty manipulative, i try not to be obviously. I am just thankful i am not in a position of power, lol

This resonates! For example, group assignment situations at uni. Inevitably, as soon as our group is formed, I will take over and say what I think the course of action should be and who should do what task. I do this because group work is a nightmare for me and I hate having to jeopardise my grades by having to rely on a bunch of halfwits, who are more concerned with their weekend plans than our project! I can be really bossy in situations like this and it's all about taking control of a situation in which I feel out of my depth and very uncomfortable. I know there are other scenarios in which I can come across as being manipulative too. Invariably, it is not about wanting to control others per se, so much as wanting to control a situation and it's not for personal gain so much as to try and stay afloat in a tricky setting.

I can be when I want to be...and I'm good at it. People are fun to break, they're like puzzles.

Geez, I sound so cold and callous. But that's me, I guess.

I's ridiculously easy to do once you figure out which stereotypes to adress.

Of course, I hardly ever do it. Because I'm not an ass.

I'm not that manipulative. If I want to get a message across without telling the other person then I'll do something similar, but usually I'm pretty transparent and trying to manipulate feels put on, so I can be manipulative but it's not natural to me.
I have met a manipulative aspie, he was my friend but I got fed up of his mind games.

Having been manipulated in the past, I try to set a good example and not be manipulative.