Uncomfortable experience with a psychologist. Is it normal?

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First of all, it's something that happened 13 years ago, but it still puts me off seeing any kind of mental health worker. I was 13 years old at the time, and I was seeing a psychologist (or maybe psychiatrist, not sure of her job title) for about a year. I was struggling socially, and my parents decided it would be beneficial to me. And it was, to some extent. She offered me quite a bit of insight about a lot of things. But I've also run into situations with her that made me really uncomfortable. Namely, she put a lot of emphasis on feelings. Read the next paragraph to see what transpired as a result.

During one session, I told her about how I was getting bullied in school, and about the times my parents said insulting things to me. Her response was: "I'm sorry you have to go through this", which was actually nice. Then she asked me: "How did you feel when it was happening?" My first thought was: "Are you f'ing kidding me!?" After all, if she's a psychologist, it would seem logical for her to know how people felt in those situations. The question seemed patronizing at best, and downright insulting at worst. The dialog continued something like this.
Aspie1: Well, I felt bad.
Psychologist: "Bad" is too vague. What exactly were you feeling?
Aspie1: I thought that it was unfair that I had to suffer.
Psychologist: That's thinking. What did you feel?
Aspie1: <stammering, trying to come up with the "right" answer>
Psychologist: What did you feel?
Aspie1: I felt like I had no control. (This was purely a guess, hoping it's the "right" one.)
Whew! I guessed correctly. The psychologist liked the answer enough not to continue asking me about feelings. She proceeded to talk about how to make oneself feel in control, but it only slightly useful, and not exactly what I was looking for. I wanted clear, specific examples of how to stop bullies in their tracks, and good comebacks for my parents' put-downs. Instead, I got abstract concepts that I knew were insightful, but it wasn't anything I could work with.

So my question is this. Is it common for psychologists/psychiatrists to be so focused on feelings? Or is it a gender thing? (The professional I saw back then was a woman.) Post your thoughts on this. Thanks.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 18 Jun 2009, 3:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I do believe that is perfectly normal.

Apparently, talking about feelings is also very normal.

Most humans put emphasis on feelings, rather than thought and logic. It's weird to us, but unfortunately, that's how the world works.

Seek out a Mr. Miyagi.

Seriously, the way to stop junior high bullies is to drop down to their level and beat the s**t out of them. There is really no other way.

No, all psychologists and psychiatrist I had who knew/diagnosed/believed in my autism were pretty laid-back with these questions.

I had no qualms telling I don't know anything or that I don't have anything to say about it and they accepted when I said 'well, I felt nothing, should I?' when that was true. They did know about autism though and a lot about what all autism can look like which I guess is why they were as laid-back and cool about it.

Not for nothing does my daughter call her shrink the "feelings doctor". I've been shrunk as well and also read some books on it. I can assure you, that exchange you describe is textbook therapy. Talking about feelings is what they do. To the hammer, every problem is a nail. Constantly talking about feelings got on my nerves too (and I'm NT) but there's really no way around it with a shrink. If you say you're uncomfortable talking about feelings, they'll want to know what about it makes you feel uncomfortable and so on. It's just what they do so if it annoys you, go elsewhere. but not to another shrink, who will do exactly the same thing just as surely as a dentist will urge you to floss.

There is a new service industry coming into existence for people who want advice on making their lives run more smoothly...and that's it. Life Coach. I kid you not. I haven't tried it myself but this new field seems to be about helping people get their lives in order without psychoanalyzing them. Probably pretty expensive, though.

I suppose. But that psychologist's questions about feelings had an unintended effect. After that session, I pretty much never mentioned a truly difficult situation ever again. (This includes one of my grandparents being in the hospital, and my parents coming close to a divorce.) I was afraid she might ask me how I feel about it. Because when I talk about something that bothers me, I look for solutions and/or workarounds to it. Discussing how I "feel" about it only makes me "feel" ten times worse. She, however, insisted that she needs to know how I felt in order to help me. I didn't buy that, but because she was an adult and I was only 13, I had to go along with it.

So came up with my own solution: sacrificial topics. These were things I could easily handle on my own, and could come up with the "feelings" she was looking for. For instance, when there was a test coming up, I would talk about it, pretending to be more worked up about it than I really was. When prompted, I'd say that I felt "anxious" (based on the term "test anxiety" that I read in a book) and "worried than my efforts will go to waste". She, in turn, would tell me something helpful (but at times, stuff I already knew). So, I found a clever way to completely avoid making myself uncomfortable in what was considered to be a safe environment.

worked for me, even the boy's showed me some respect afterwards...
but times have changed, one can not solve problems this way anymore....

Yes, they are always trying to get you in touch with your feelings, though its quite hard for aspies to be able to tell which ones they are having, that is what I read anyway.

Not sure how helpful it is to push an aspie too hard for them though due to the real possibility of a meltdown, carefully does it I think.

I haven't experienced any psychologists or psychiatrists yet, only Relate counsellors and a personal counsellor. But the accent on feelings was very noticeable. Luckily they were mostly of the non-directive school so there was little pressure to open up about anything I didn't feel able to. Sometimes they even said that if I felt I needed to keep a particular door closed, that was OK....they seemed to understand that some things are better left alone until the client feels ready to tackle them.

Strange though it may seem, I never had a problem with the basic idea that it was important to bring feelings to the surface - although I didn't manage that very much, I didn't really mind their questions. But I was already in my mid-20s by the time I went to counselling, and I think it quite likely that a shrink could adopt a rather more authoritative style with a 13-year-old. Unfortunately a lot of adults seem unable to treat kids as equals, and a shrink would probably be more directive than an "ordinary" counsellor, so I can see how the pressure might have been a lot worse than anything I've ever had to put up with.

There was disagreement in the profession as to whether directive or non-directive was best - some of them felt that nondirectiveness could lead to the client blathering on forever without tackling anything that might clear any blocks, others felt that the clients needed to work out for themselves what their issues were and when to tackle them.

I definitely fell into the trap of blathering on without getting anywhere, and often felt lost as if I really wanted them to direct me more, but whenever they did, it didn't really help. One counsellor seemed to think that every client ought to go through this thing where they bring out depressing stuff they'd been hiding, and so hit what he called "rock bottom" so they could reconstruct themselves in a better form, but that view only served to reduce my trust and I was just more closed off from him as a result.

Your method of fobbing the shrink off with relatively unimportant issues is interesting - I suspect a lot of people do things like that to distract the shrink into thinking they're doing their job, rather than just assert themselves and refuse to dig into areas that they feel too uncomfortable with, as if the client's mind somehow belongs to the shrink. I guess that's down to the perception of the shrink as an authority figure - again your age would have been against you. But even as an adult, I could't break through the urge to pretend to be very compliant, and never did tell them that I didn't want to talk about this or that.

Of course we were all unaware of the possibility of AS in those days, and I suppose that if I were diagnosed as having AS, any reasonably savvy shrink would know better than to become too pushy about digging around in my feelings, as it's well known that Aspies don't usually find it easy to identify feelings - and I myself ought to find it easier to simply remind the shrink of that obvious fact. And now I'm onto AS as my likely problem, I needn't feel so bad about having failed to get much out of talk therapies. The one counsellor who accused me of having a lot of "repression" was very likely wrong, though he had no way of realising it at the time. So I'd advise that if you happen to get another talk therapist who keeps banging the feelings drum, just point to the Aspie thing and if the therapist is any good, they'll back off. It's fine for them to advise anbody to try to look at any area they want, but they should respect that it's ultimately up to the client, and they should make that clear with a bit of reassurance.

My therapist is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice. We do talk about my feelings a little, and we talk about strategies a lot.

Feelings are a hard topic for Aspies, not because we don't have them, but because we have difficulty with them... understanding, expressing, and relating to them. Nevertheless, it can be helpful to carefully and gently get acquainted with them; I've certainly found that I've got better self-control with more understanding of mine, trying to figure out what the powerful energy is that is triggered by certain events/thoughts and noticing it when it's small before it becomes meltdown/shutdown.

Yes, carefully and respectfully. That is how my current therapist is. She has a very light touch in that regard. But we both know that how I feel about something plays a part in how I deal with something, so we check it and take the feeling into account as we develop a useful strategy. I like it because she doesn't assume she knows how I feel about something, she asks. And often the asking does make me wonder "How DO I feel about that?" and learning how to include that in the information base.

We just don't wallow around in it, like some folks seem to love to do. Nts: 75% feeling, 25% intellect. AS: 75% intellect, 25% feeling.

What you describe--lying to your therapist--reveals a lack of trust, which goes back to a lack of compatibility. Her individual style doesn't work for you, that's all. Just keep shopping around til you find one that does; but any therapy will include at least a little feeling work, because it is part of who the human animal is.

Each therapist has a different method of therapy. Some use Rogerian, some Adlerian... other people pick a combination of a few and go from there thus resulting in a semi-unstructured to very unstructured session.

This person sounds like she is more Rogerian ...how do you feel about that? I personally can't stand that kind of therapy; it drives me crazy. It sounds like the way she goes about her sessions doesn't match what you need. If you don't like it, I would find another person. I personally love Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is more practical and concrete. There is a lot of info on the net.

http://www.autism-help.org/adults-cogni ... vioral.htm
http://ezinearticles.com/?Cognitive-Beh ... erapy-(CBT),-For-Adults-With-Aspergers-Or-Autism&id=2410487

Natesmom, you are awesome! If WP had a rep point system, I'd give you a lot of positive rep points for this post. Those links are really helpful, especially the second one. So next time I decide to see a psychiatrist, I'll keep the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy concept in mind. In fact, there would be nothing wrong with calling a potential psychiatrist and asking: "Do you use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as part of your regular methodology?" Or to be super-sure, I can also ask: "do you ask 'how do you feel about that' when talking to clients?" If he says yes, I'll just say: "Sorry, that's not what I'm looking for; thank you for your time." And most likely, I will only see a male therapist; I think he'll have an easier time understanding me, particularly with issues like not being able to get dates.

With all that said, it doesn't hurt to memorize some responses for those "how do you feel about it" questions. For instance, when talking about parents divorcing, the responses would be "scared" or whatever else seems appropriate. The goal is to quickly get past the unpleasant questions, and move on to the more comfortable (and more helpful) parts of the session.

That is exactly what I ended up doing. I looked through the phone book and found a psychologist or counselor (forgot which one) who only did CBT - the ad in the phone book actually said CBT only. He didn't mix the CBT with any other type, which is probably the reason why I really liked his style. I love how "to the point" he was. He didn't do any of that "touchy feely" stuff at all. I learned a lot on how to work with my anxiety, particularly in social situations. I actually did have some practical homework sometimes.

It sounds like you would know what to do if you ever decide to go that route. That is the only route I will go. I like male therapists who use CBT as they tend to be more CBT purests and typically don't combine some of that "touchy feeling" annoying stuff in there.

Good luck!!

Not all mental health workers are good at their jobs.

If that guy didn't know you had AS, he'd not understand that talking in terms of "feelings" was a problem.

When you need a shrink, you need someone who is actually good at helping people. That piece of paper hanging on the wall does not determine their ability to help you.