Your techniques for faking "proper" social interac

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Anyone ever feel as though they are an actor dishing out an Oscar-worthy performance in order to properly blend in with society when it is necessary to do so? What are your strategies and techniques? I generally avoid eye-contact, dodge conversation at times, and display little facial expression, but such behaviors are not beneficial when you're applying for a job or trying to meet new people, so i was wondering if anyone has good strategies for feigning "proper" social behavior? Any interesting experiences?

I generally don't associate with people who value social rules over personality.

When I need to, however, I can just create the scenario in my mind before the experience. I know when to do certain things because I know how people react to certain situations, so I can create a situation where they will react favorably to me. Just look around you. One of the things I used to do in high school in between class periods was go into my next period class and just watch people arrive and interact with each other.

I don't have any good advice...I am thrust nightly into a very social environment..I am a light-duty bartender...I do it all without eye contact and facial expression...I get really uncomfortable when people try to converse with me....I stim and pace a lot....drum up various projects to keep myself occupied...I have a more sociable persona that I slip into when I have to...it is exhausting...and hard to muster sometimes...drinking helps just a little..for the sort of stuff I deal with

In the case of interveiws, i believe the phrase less is more applies. You do need to emotionally respond to every comment or phrase, infact being seen as stoic will definately be positive.

You do need to learn how to use body language to indicate that you are interested in what other people say however, and you do need to be able to laugh, smile, etc. You must do both accurately and not look fake.

Last edited by Michjo on 28 Jun 2009, 4:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

yeah, small talk used to really confuse me...I had no idea what to say or how people could just chat mindlessly away to anyone they met. Then I realised the key word was "mindless"

In fact if you actually listen to people around you who seem really sociable it actually consists of nothing more than stating the obvious ie. "the weather's nice today" or asking obvious questions "are you having a sandwich for lunch?" or other varients on mind numbingly dull and pointless opinions. I sometimes think most people would be happy enough if you got them a big people sized "budgie mirror" so they could just chat away happily to their reflection....

I personally think it's because NT's seem to constantly need reassurance, which they get by chattering away to each other...silence definitely makes them uncomfortable, they get very agitated by people who are different or who don't act in the "normal" way. I took me ages to realise, but actually the more social someone appears to be on the outside, the more insecure they probably are on the inside....and if you're a typical aspie who doesn't really care what people think, then that can give you a huge advantage over people who DO care what people think.

It can also help to think of it less in terms of "acting" but more in terms of "infiltrating the enemy from the inside"? It makes it more of a fun game, as it can be quite entertaining to infiltrate a social circle and then quietly go about changing the social rules and watching the mayhem and panic unfold....

I find it can help to:
* use non-commital sounds like "ah...", "hmmm" to make it sound like you are listening, as this reassures and soothes the speaker, without actually agreeing or disagreeing with them, makes it sound like you are still considering what they've said....usually they'll be so suprised or glad to have someone who actually is listening that they become putty in your hands.
* smile and wave boys....smile and wave (you can learn a lot from the pengiuns in the Madagascar movie!)
* develop a self-depreciating sense of humour, this puts other people at ease if you admit to being nervous first by making a bit of a joke about it.

I don't know about interviews (I have never had one) but when I am in a situation where I need to fake social interaction, I try to mimic the person I am talking to as much as possible. Their chosen topics, their body language, little expressions in the speech... and ALWAYS try to laugh when they do. It seems to work okay but it is quite hard work. It is good for an aspie though, because you have to pay a lot of attention to the detail about that person and you don't actually have to care socially whatsoever.

I tend to apply for jobs that interest me in some way so I'm naturally very enthused during the interview anyway. I once worked in an alternative clothing store so found speaking to customers very easy as it was something that interested me. I loved talking about the clothes, talking about bands and showing them new stock that had arrived.

As for the social side of things, my friends are a very eccentric and lively bunch who seem to love my quirks. I've always been drawn to people who are a little different from the norm and who have individual ideas. I feel like I can be myself around them and don't need to act.

i have no technique. i do not bother to fake social interaction.
i can handle being seen as rude or odd or whatever. it is all in their brains.

they are like drops of water that roll off my back (if i was a duck that is).

why would i want to "pretend" anything to get into a "club" where i do not belong and do not wish to join?

as long as my behavior is lawful (even if awful) , i am fine. i do not care how many feathers they lose over some imagined garbage associated with me.

i do not care that they do not invite me to board their social vehicles. my vehicle is fast enough for me and it is comfy and a one person craft.

sometimes, some people like to associate with me because they too feel yukked out and alien about what everyone else is doing, and i sometimes very much like their company (not solely for that reason).

standard people are not something i worry about. they have their lives and they should live them. i do not want to be involved.

This is good advice: I do number one and number three, they both have worked very well for me- (not sure what number two means)? I do smile a lot, I think that helps too.

The single most important advice I would give you is to try to learn how to make eye contact; if not that, try to learn how to fake it well. I notice that NTs treat me drastically differently since I´ve been able to make better eye contact. I would recommend this for a job interview.

Also, be sure you really know what job it is you are applying for- try to find out as much as you can. I once applied for a job which I thought was a musical theater school, so I went on and on about my musical theater experience, and it turned out it was really a modern dance school. Even though I was more than qualified in regular dance, I think the director was insulted that I didn´t know "what" I was applying for. Needless to say, he didn´t call me.

Just be careful when blindly following advice. It might not be good advice.

I personally did like what Linder1980 had to say. smile and wave is more like smile and nod. It does a lot of good if you have a good smile. I do a lot of, You're right, when I hear something I agree with. If I don't agree with what they are saying, then I pick and choose my battles wisely. It depends on the person, the context, and how much they seem to care about the context, but if I feel it's a battle worth tackling, I will correct them or say that I disagree (but you have to have your rebuttal in a small time frame). If I feel that it's in my better interest to agree, then I do a lot of the ahh, hmmmm, or even... pretty impressive (thinking I'm impressed you are where you are with a brain like that as opposed to impressed with what you had to say). People do love humor, so anytime you can spit some out. It's like they say laughter is a great medicine. There's truth to that. Humor you got to watch. Like you see some famous guys get away with a lot of poor taste humor, especially when it comes to race. What is considered funny in stand up isn't always the case in one to one situations. I find people generally like my humor when I point out the obvious that nobody usually picks up on. Or things that are ridiculous sounding in nature but yet make perfect sense (like when talking politics spitting out that they should change Hail to the Chief to the Imperial March). And the best person to make fun of is yourself. But everyone loves making people laugh, so you must laugh at their attempts to humor.

I also did like what HamOfCydonia said. My friend is a social chamelion. That's how she does it. When in church, she dresses like a school teacher. When at the club or bar, she dresses like herself, a lot more provocative. She knows a little about everything to be able to find a common interest with anyone including Aspergers (yeah, she'll keep up with you on your special interest, and probably teach you a few things without having a clue as to what she's really talking about). If you ever find a bar boring like I think they are, she's great to take along because you do nothing but mess with people all night long. You can decide you are going to lie about who you are, on a spontaneous whim without pre-planning any of it all on improv. You can decide to try to get people to believe the craziest story like that I, who is 30 and female, was in the Vietnam War (yeah, I got someone to finally believe that). You can also just randomly pick people to disagree with everything they say, or not believe one word they say. My friend likes to pick on people who claim to be military, and she'll get right in their face saying, You are not army, you don't look army, where were you stationed, etc. She also got that way with guys that dated me or wanted to. Anyway, we would also do random crazy things like randomly slap some guy we didn't like across the face (in a very public setting) and scream "How much?" When we get around our flyboys (some army guys we know well), we are worse because they join in without any communication between each other about what we are doing. That friend I speak of here has taught me so much with social situations because not only does she have it down to a science and art, but she's able to socialize with everyone from Aspergers to Bi Polar to your complete NT, so she knows how to teach us. She's so busy right now, but I keep trying to get us together to make some videos on the subject to be available free online to us.

The main thing though, you kinda have to decide as well on how you want to come across. Do you want to come across domineering or passive? Do you want people to think you are creative or structured? All these things have to do with who you are and who you want to be and who you want others to think you are. My suggestion too, is what is your favorite animal? Why? Answer this before you continue reading. Come up with specific qualities about the animal that you really like. For instance, a tiger because they are so smart, graceful, lethal, and in some cultures, it is believed that the tiger is a link between God and Man; heaven and earth. Now what that means is the qualities about your favorite animal are also the qualities you want people to see in you. I personally want people to see me as something that is very intelligent, strong, and shouldn't be messed with. My friend at the time when we learned of questions such as this..her favorite was the dog because they were so loveable and loyal. Once you get a general idea of how you want people to see you, then your next step is to learn how to communicate that nonverbally. IN my case, I see Judge Judy as the tiger type who is very well loved and respected. I watch her show not because I"m interested in all the drama but so that I can watch how she talks, her face expressions, her body language, etc. I don't stand in front of the mirror trying to mimic her, but I do observe those things. Actors and Actresses (and their roles) are very good to watch because they do tend to overact to make those things a little more obvious, but just know that you wouldn't want to be as extreme as they get. For instance, Jada Pinket Smith does really good at overacting and overdramatizing a stressful situation. She's great to watch some body language for how to communicate that you are stressed out. But, if you did it to the degree she does in her films, you will be considered psychotic.

Sorry so jumpy, but my 2 year old keeps interrupting, so I'm just going to be done now. Hope this helps at all.

Thanks for your input everyone, especially Tantybi, that was very helpful. I have also noticed that most small talk usually revolves around asinine things such as weather and what you ate for breakfast yesterday, etc. For me, it isn't difficult to talk about such topics but it's kind of tedious... I mean they just aren't interesting subjects to talk about yet that's what most people do.

I actually find I do better the less I'm thinking about it. If I'm in my own world and someone starts talking to me, I can do ok. But if I'm really thinking about it and trying too hard to appear 'normal' I just get really nervous and come across strange...

Much can be learned by observing how people interact with each other in different circumstances. A long time ago, after learning about how I differed from nearly everybody around me, I made a commitment to studying others and learning how to mimic the responses and gestures that are typically expected of the average, outgoing person. I learned more about people during one year of prolonged, focused study than I did during the nearly two decades of life before. I also found that, in time, I no longer needed to mimic and feign the responses that other people look for, they started to come more naturally, although I admit that they are basically learned-by-rote responses as opposed to authentic displays.

Since people love to talk and think about themselves (and love for others to show interest), i try to approach such interactions like I'm building up some sort of database on that person, or like I'm going to create them as a character in a book. As long as you don't ask inappropriate personal questions, people seem to really like to relay information on, say, their children. And then they go away from the interaction with a pleasant sensation and decide to like you...?

As boring as small talk is, it can be really useful for finding "clues" about the person and what they might like to talk about later. If you're interested in people, this is a really helpful measure. Not only small talk help determine whether someone actually WANTS to talk or not, it can help you decide if you want to keep talking to them. A discussion about weather can easily become a conversation about much more interesting subjects-be it fashion, culture, local politics, or whatever your favorite subject is. Keep in mind even the most apparently bland NT can be really multifaceted and interesting. Once I started talking to a boring-looking businessman on a flight, and we ended up talking about music, childrens' lit, languages---it was so cool!

tl;dr: if you're interested in making friends, small talk is your best friend if you can get it over with quickly.

All of my social interactions feel rehearsed.
Indeed, many of them actually are. This is one way I've learned to get by; preparing for a meeting, or gathering, or doctor's visit, as if I was preparing for a role on stage. I often need to go through the motions ahead of time, to familiarize myself with the possibilities inherent in a given situation.

If I go off to the grocery store unprepared, I will come home a wreck of tangled nerves, sensory overload, and social confusion. If I put on a persona, it helps me navigate this world like I am in a video game, or indeed, like I am giving an oscar-winning performance.

The most obvious and important example of this idea involves my job.
I work as a teacher. Talk about mis-matching profession to Aspie. But it's the field I have my degree in, so that's what I'm doing currently. The only reason I'm able to do it at all is because I've learned how to act. When I am in a classroom, I am on stage. I'm not even remotely myself in that context; I am an actor, with endless supplies of dramatic tricks to use and riveting personae to become. This works especially because of the structure of the school-day: One subject, Five classes a day . So I am giving the exact same performance to different audiences. I can explicitly practice exactly what I am going to do for each day of the week, and go and put on a show, and be successful.

The problem is, of course, this survival technique DOES NOT WORK when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Before I fully realized that I did this stuff, my attempts at romance or friendship always tended to end abruptly. I look back now and see that the other people were inevitably repulsed by the "show" that I was putting on. I wasn't being myself, and that became apparent after a short while of time spent with me. A potential partner or friend expects that the person they're involved with is being genuine; a real-time human being who responds in their own unique way to nuances and novelties of life. I always came across as a pathetic imitation or composite of people other than myself.

So in conclusion, "faking proper social interaction" may be necessary to get by in some instances. I wouldn't have my job if I didn't do it. But it's dangerous because it can really hurt people emotionally in the end. This is a really tough spot to be in, and is one of the more frustrating aspects of Asperger's Syndrome... Like I can never be a real person unless I am completely by myself.