Help me with proving this to the people around me

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OK i have aspergers, and my dad and everyone treat me like complete s**t when I talk about my interests
I went to child and adolescent services, and they diagnosed me as aspergers
my dad wont accept it at all
the teachers, and my counsoler think I have "traits" of autism
I know I have it, it makes total sense, and it is a special interest of mine.
they are even worse when they hear me say im aspergers
and they completely loose it when I say im autistic
my dad told me that I can stop "pretending" because nobody but me thinks I have autism I need to prove it somehow so I can get the help and understanding I need

You probably won't be able to prove it to them, if a formal diagnosis didn't do it. Some parents see their children as extensions of themselves. If there is something wrong with their child, there must be something wrong with them, too. It's a mindset that can be very hard to overcome. In my own case, I'll probably never tell my mother that I believe I have some form of autism because she is from a generation that believed that it was all the mother's fault -- the refrigerator mother hypothesis -- and it would only hurt her badly in the short term with very little long-term benefit. It may be better for you to keep your interest in AS to yourself for now and talk with the counsellors at school when you need someone who understands. Eventually, your parents will come out of denial, but it may take a long time.

Regards,

Patricia

I know what it is like. When I self diagnosed myself with AS, my Mom was quite supportive (she believed that is what I had as well) but my dad just totally lost it and refused to admit it. He kept telling everyone that the diagnosis was complete b******s and getting really angry with me for even mentioning AS. He's totally different now, 7 years on. He's got used to the fact that I HAVE got AS and he's accepted it. Maybe one day your dad will too (Believe me, I thought my dad would NEVER accept it!). Now my dad just gets the same reaction with regards to my dystonia! *sigh* he's just not happy unless he's proving entire teams of doctors wrong... (He went especially mad when he found out they diagnosed me with Tourette syndrome...) Overall though, if YOU believe you have AS, then stick with it. Don't be silenced by others. Just try to keep randomly talking about it (but maybe don't mention it with regards to yourself) and maybe they'll see the similarities. I dunno, really that's just an idea.

It sounds like you know that the "A" word is a button you can push on your dad to spite him. Careful with that.

I agree with Jellybean. Don't keep bringing it up, just be yourself. Don't label your interests as "Asperger special interests" either, just things that interest you.

If they don't want to admit to themselves that you have it, it's up to them. You can't change their minds. All and all the label isn't really important for family relations so long as they accept you for who you are. You may be at a point in your life where you think it's absolutely essential that they accept the label, but in reality it isn't. All that matters is that they accept that you know you have it.

In short, don't use your label to be cut slack. Use it to better understand and accept yourself. Your parents will eventually accept you for who you are, label and all.

*sigh* yeah, no matter how many times you tell them, you're not going to make them believe you.

Many parents go into denial with the less obvious sorts of autism. Mine did. I wasn't told for nearly ten years, and even after that my mom only accepted it if she could say that it "wasn't really a disability" (yeah, ask the US government, the hospital, half a dozen doctors... they'll tell you different).

My mom had this idea that disability means you're completely and totally unable to do anything, that people will cheer for you if you learn to button your shirt but never expect you to do much more than that. She believed that your life was over if you got a disability. When she talked about it, you could hear the horror in her voice. It was like the worst thing that could ever happen to you. When my sister and I used to do things that weren't safe, she used to threaten, "You'll spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair!"

You can see how this clashed with her idea of her "intelligent" daughter who, okay, maybe didn't have a lot of common sense, maybe was strong willed and "didn't want to" play with other kids (hey, she plays with her sister, right?)... maybe spoke a little oddly but hey, look at this huge vocabulary... who got good grades in school, and was so obviously capable of cleaning her room and taking showers and doing chores and controlling her "temper tantrums" that any failure to do the above was simply "strong will"... despite that those "temper tantrums" lasted even through the teen years, even though every time they happened they resulted in getting pinned down or hit or belittled... My mom thought just I needed a proper father to "handle" me... so she married them, never realizing just how rough that "handling" was going to be.

But I'm autistic. In fact, apparently I'm obviously and strongly autistic, though not disabled enough to fit into my mother's disability stereotype. My mom still doesn't seem to believe that this is real, even years after the official diagnosis. It's as though she thinks these are normal traits, and I'm just exaggerating; or else autism isn't "real" unless you can't talk. The same thing she's told me all these years, she keeps telling me: Just "try harder", and you can do anything you want. Your weaknesses aren't real; they're just laziness. She points out that other people cry, too, as though that would make my crying for six hours over a missed appointment "normal" and less headache-inducing.

Point being: You can't talk your parents into believing you are autistic, if they don't want to believe. They can live with the obvious signs for years. My mom isn't ignorant about autism, either; she's an occupational therapist who's worked with special ed, for heaven's sake, and if anyone should know about it, she would (well, she did, and admitted as much to me; but she didn't believe it!).

Parents are capable of unimaginable amounts of denial, and your telling them won't make them understand. It'll just make them angry.

If you need help with something, your best bet is not to mention autism at all, but to be very specific. Rather than say, "My autism is causing problems with my schoolwork," say, "I got a C- in biology this year. I need some help with...." and then the specific skill that is creating the roadblock. They may have gotten this reflex going that "if I hear autism, I'll assume it's not important," so don't mention autism.

This is survival. You've got to do what you've got to do, and if you have to suppress talking about autism to certain people who flip out when they hear the word, then you're going to have to do that. If you can get really specific about what you need, you might be able to sneak some of the required accommodations right under their radar.

Could you get those in the child and adolescent services, or someone else, to explain to him properly?

My parents are in denial about my traits. When someone denies such a fundamental part of you, they don't truly accept you. They can't even really see you.

If others explaining the diagnosis to your father doesn't work, and factual information doesn't work, there's not much you can do except concentrate on those who can accept it.

My mom taught me to not ask people for what they can't or won't give you. That's likely why she lived in peace with so many people, even nasty ones.
If someone can't give you acceptance, you will be happier if you stop asking for it.

Hooo, wise words. I'm taking them to heart for myself.

Thanks, you all had great advise, and basically what I need now is to get an obsession besides autism, and try to slowly slip it under his radar as the fact it is, not like my goofy "obsessions" like plants, and science, and dinosaurs. It isnt really anything new, my dad has always had a problem with me talking about those things when he just wants me to "shut up"

Besides the fact of your dad's inability to deal with your AS...
maybe he just wants a little peace and quiet?

I know after a day at work, out in the world, I sure don't have much patience with a lot of talking... I need some peace and quiet, although I do want to be around the people I love.

Do you think this might apply sometimes to your situation with your dad?

well, i guess, but he doesnt tolerate me saying anything that has too big of words in it.
he gets mad when I use big words or latin names, because he says it is talking down to him

Ah, yes. I've had that problem.
I've got a college education, besides just loving to learn and use new words, so when I worked at warehouses, I had to learn to watch my mouth or people would get resentful.

Now I have a little challenge I make myself... how simply can I say something? If I want the other person to understand and appreciate what I'm saying (and usually I do), then I need to speak their language... I do think of it as another language. That way I don't get arrogant. I realized how much I just rely on terms I've learned, rather than actually being able to restate in a different way.

I actually enjoy this now, it makes me think very hard and I like using my brain. How to translate from tech talk to casual talk?

Do you think you might enjoy this game?

Yes, that is a really cool way of putting it
thanks

Hope it helps with your dad, but even if it doesn't it will help with others who aren't feeling so tired and grouchy.

yes, thanks and the inviting jacob over with his family to swim thing seems good, but im too scared to do it

Fear.... it'll steal your life right out from under you. It'll be your worst enemy if you let it run the show, so snarl at it and take the plunge.

All my life I've just "cowboyed up" (as they say out here) and done stuff. I have absolutely bit the dust a few times, but many, many times it has been worth the risk. Even if things didn't turn out the way I planned, something really neat did happen and I was glad, so glad I didn't let fear run the show and tried something.

Let fear educate you, but don't put it in charge. No eagle has ever left the nest without being afraid of falling... so he makes sure his wings are good and strong before he leaps.

Invite your friend over...