Self-assertive

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One thing that I have noticed about myself is that I have a really hard time interrupting. I will often wait for a pause in the coversation to say excuse me so I can say what I need to, but sometimes it takes a while and I'm stuck there awkwardly. I don't want to be rude or annoying, but this is one of the areas that I need to work on, especially since I will soon apply for a job and my awkardness in such situations will effect whether or not I can get a recommendation for the job (without which, I will alway surely not get the job). Any tips

I don't have any tips, but I seem to have this problem too. If I need to ask someone a question/discuss things and they seem busy, I'll usually wait for them to acknowledge me and ask what I need. However, there are times when they seem to not/don't notice me at all, and after waiting around awhile I'll leave and try again later. Of course this can cause a lot of time to pass before I ever get the chance to discuss things.

I have the same problem. I try to hold on to what I want to say until they are done talking. But sometimes they keep going on and on and change the subject. Then I feel that I can't interject with what I wanted to say because then it would seem inappropriate.

My problem is the opposite. I have a hard time not interrupting, and do so inappropriately many times.

my friend its a problem a share to as I am very self assertive more so than assertive I have tried for years to get over it but it just won't go I had the problem when I kid I do now

I have no problem standing up for myself, but, I have the same problem as you.

I find it awkward having a conversation with more than one person as people tend to talk with a continuous flow and I find I have to interrupt if I want to say anything. It's weird...

I also have a problem with holding in things I want to say then finding the conversation has moved on, like Kahnza. I sometimes end up being annoyed and frustrated.

I appreciate you everyone sharing their experience, but I was hoping to get ideas about what to do now that the problem has been recognized, so that we can all benefit from each others input.

Sometimes I raise my hand or wave it or just look at my watch. Those things give a signal that I have something urgent to say.

I interrupt, must be totally annoying for those who try to converse with me. Tough!

Feeling the effective moment to interrupt is highly intuitive. I believe one can diagnose Autism just by whether a person has a problem with this.

We Aspies are either seen as rude for interrupting or idiots for not interrupting.

I've been studying this lately, observing when NTs interrupt, what was happening then, who was speaking and what they were saying. I'll eventually discover when is the right moment to interrupt, as I discovered all the rest of things I know about NTs today.

What I've discovered so far: the conversation between 2 NTs is NOT a continuous flow, however much it seems so to us Aspies. If you observe very, very closely, you'll notice the conversation has lulls (almost unnoticeable ones), high intensity moments and low intensity moments (again, the difference between high and low is tiny, so where an NT notices it intuitively, we must listen VERY carefully to spot the low intensity fractions of a second and interrupt right there. If you interrupt anywhere else, you're seen as rude. If you wait for a more obvious lull or low intensity fraction of a second, you'll be seen as an idiot, so when you finally do interrupt, even if it's during a lull, they'll react negatively, complaining that you were rude, even if it's the correct place where any NT would've interrupted.

Points of low intensity and lulls are NOT moments of silence (aka pauses), do not make that mistake of waiting for a pause. There won't be one.

Points of low intensity / lulls are fractions of a second where:

= one of the people says something that makes the other hesitate or change direction in the conversation
= one of the people says something that surprises or offends the other a tiny bit so they lose a tiny fraction of their concentration
= one of the people is reminded of something outside the conversation (aka distracted for a fraction of a second)
= one of the people changes the subject, even slightly
= one of the people looks at their watch or make a movement to leave
= one of the people is trying to recall something and using conversation fillers to get a second to think
= one of the people shows a tiny sign of impatience or boredom

Worst moments to interrupt:

= when one or both are trying to impress the other
= when they are laughing together
= when one or both seem excited about what the other is saying (even if there's a pause / silence, they'll resent your interrupting)
= when one just got good news from the other / a present / a desired response / bad news
= in a heated argument - of course!

For advanced Aspie learners:

Observe if the people are conversing idly or there is a nonverbal / hidden bonding goal in their interaction. If 2 people are BONDING through conversation, however inane what they're actually saying and however pressing / important what you have to say, they'll get furious at you for interrupting. Bonding is as sacred to NTs as mating is for animals. DO NOT interrupt bonding. EVER. Unless the house is on fire or you're much higher than both of them in the (formal or informal) hierarchy.

^ That's very keen observation. How do you interrupt someone you're already in conversation with but who seems as though they prefer to hog the conversation?

For example, someone I spoke to would have little idea what I knew about a subject (and told me this), but didn't ask me any explicit questions. However, whenever I tried to insert a comment into one of their infrequent conversational lulls, they'd give me the impression they were annoyed about it; they would not listen for long and would resume their speaking at a louder volume. I don't understand it; they seemed displeased they didn't know what I knew about the subject, yet wouldn't let me speak much.

^ oh dear. that sounds like me. (not the quiet one, but the clueless monologuer.) But once i realise what i am doing I do care and I do have consideration.

outlier, NTs do things with conversation. The person who monologues or speaks like a train is not talking, they're DOING something. It can be different things, such as releasing stress, or trying to convince themselves of something, or trying to intimidate you from pursuing an issue, or other things. But what's for sure that they're NOT doing is: trying to bond with you, trying to learn from your viewpoint, trying to exchange ideas, trying to learn what you think of their ideas, trying to get to know you better, respecting your space, respecting your needs, etc. This has nothing to do with knowing when to interrupt a conversation. This is about dealing with one person doing something TO YOU, and requires totally different skills - and I suspect it merits a separate, new thread.

millie, what do you monologue about?

I don't like to interrupt, either. I will often wait and wait for a conversation break that never comes and then have people wonder why I didn't just speak up if I needed one of them -- or occasionally just the hall or doorway or flight of stairs they're blocking for their conversation. I've learned to say "excuse me" and pass through in the last instance, but it still doesn't sit well with me. I've always attributed this to my mother's manners training, but maybe I take it to extremes?

Regards,

Patricia

Now when we Aspies monologue, it's different of course. It only means that we, lacking ToM, believe the other is as interested in our special interest as we are.

and yet, it's somehow not seen as rude for them to block the hall/door as you said. feh. i will go out of my way to wait till they've voided that space so as not to give them the satisfaction they've blocked me. most of it is a power trip, you know.

i work as a hospital housekeeper (the worst possible environment, you can cut the estrogen in the air with a knife), and i deal with this incessantly, every day. i always have to wait my turn to ask a usually important, job-related question, while they're talking (and believe me, they're always talking, 90% of their day is talking or eating), and yet if on the rare occasion i get to talk or chat with someone who will speak to me, someone will ALWAYS come along and just outright interrupt and hijack the conversation, and it's not to ask a question, it's just to completely take over. i suddenly become the third person and have to turn away because i then feel like i'm obligated to "know my place" and slink off, even though i was there first. today i was actually having a discussion with someone i consider a good friend about some private family matters from my childhood, and this one CNA still came up and just outright butt in to talk about haircuts. i put up with this day after day and it makes me feel like a nothing, an object. i've come to the conclusion that the easier it is for people to interrupt you, the less of a person you must appear to them. almost like you have "bottom of the hierarchy" printed on your forehead that only they can read.