Emotional withdrawel and lack of display

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It seems this ones quite common, but do most AS sufferers have difficulty when someone around them is upset, in pain or showing grief? I clam up...a lot and its often taken as being uncaring when its quite the opposite. I actually tend to pick others emotions up almost empathically yet I dont seem to be able to react to them in the appropriate way. Its very difficult for me to be around someone who has a physical illness as well eg in hospital as I just dont know what to say and feel my comapny isnt doing them any good.

Yeah that's how I feel. I feel terrible whenever anyone is upset. I am just not sure what I should do to help them feel better so I often tend to do nothing

Its amazing how many of my peculiarities I'm finding I'm not alone with today....joining this group has been quite an eye opener.

back to the topic though, I end up doing nothing too or even worse sometimes have to back away because its so diffcult to cope.

I have problems big time with the whole empathy thing. When someone needs sympathy or empathy, I am not able to feel their pain. I never know what to do or what to say because I do not even know how to feel. It is very hard for me to "feel" how other people's emotions and/or problems. It is very hard to even put myself in their shoes, so I would not not know. When someone is having a "problem", not only do I not know what to do, but I get scared. I get scared not about not knowing to say, but also because when someone is emotional or needs help, it frightens me and I go into a panic mode. I become very afraid of that person and it makes me feel uncomfortable, like I am being "attacked" or something. It is because I can not handle it when someone is emotional and/or their actions when they are emotional and to me it makes me feel like they are hurting me and it causes me great stress. It is like a scary monster chasing after me. Even if someone is crying, sad, sick or anything, i get like that. I know they are not hurting me or out to threaten me, but that is the way I put it. The worst thing is when they start raising their voice and/or crying, the noise and the actions are very scary, especially sensory wise.

I dont quite get it at that level, but I feel pressured to do something or they might get angry with me. Trying to explain you dont feel things the same doesnt cut any ice when someones grieving or undergoing trauma so that can make it difficult too. For instance I dont seem to grieve, i just switch it off so I cant really relate to how they are feeling. Its one the things I find hardest to cope with.

Yeah, i can relate. When someone around me makes it clear that they are sad or mad about something, i find it kind of hard to change the way i'm acting to fit the way i'm "supposed to" react. Usually i just get kind of nervous about it, because i don't really know what to do, or how exactly i'm supposed to feel. I really do feel bad for them, and want them to feel better, but whatever i'm supposed to do to show that just doesn't come to me.

Plus... their situation isn't happening to ME, so how could i possibly act like i know what they're feeling or how to make them feel better? If it is actually something i can relate to in some way i might give it a try, but i usually just don't know what they're going through. I'm extremely sympathetic that they're feeling bad, and if there's anything i can possibly think of to help them out i'll do it... in fact, i care about others A LOT... I try to put other before myself whenever i can.. but i just don't usually know how i'm supposed to communicate that i feel that way about someone else's hardships when i'm not having the feeling of going through the same thing. I mean, i hope things work out and if they ask me to help them out in some way then i gladly will, but i don't know what they're feeling so i don't know how to show that i'm sympathetic for them... If this makes any sense, i dunno. All i really know to do is try not to bring up the subject again.

[quote="sm_droid"[/quote]
I dont quite get it at that level, but I feel pressured to do something or they might get angry with me. Trying to explain you dont feel things the same doesnt cut any ice when someones grieving or undergoing trauma so that can make it difficult too. For instance I dont seem to grieve, i just switch it off so I cant really relate to how they are feeling. Its one the things I find hardest to cope with.[/quote]

I have it very bad, but I also have the same problem with being pressured into the whole empathy thing, but I have no choice but to tell people the truth. The reason is that they get so mad, so I try to get them to understand and know not to expect my to give in to them. But then they get evil because they tell me that I know better and that I am intelligent and because I am intelligent that i am able to empathize and all of that stuff if I wanted to. I kept telling them that maybe if I was "mentally ret*d" and actually have regular autism, they would just "shut their mouths" and just let it go. being intelligent is a horrible thing. I keep telling them there is a difference between cognitive intelligence and emotional intelligence and that i can not use my cognitive intelligence to increase my emotional intelligence.

That is exactly how I am, as well. It is very hard to feel for someone in their situation when it is not happening to you. I do not have the ability to put myself in other people's shoes, so that makes it impossible. I try to help out if I can. if it is an easy task i can do it,as long as it is not something that i have to give up. But I am not able to do it if it is something emotional, like lending an ear. I not able to do anything that would mean being flexible to their needs or something that where I have to be flexible so I can give them their needs. I have done that in the past and it was more frustrating to me and I ended up resentful and wished that I was selfish. So I just do not bother getting involved. Now my strategy is if someone os suffering, i would just stay away, avoid and/or withdraw from that person or anyone who would make me "help" that person. I just withdraw from everyone. It is just too much stress on me. The sad thing is because of my disability, people around me have me do all of the "work". if someone is sick, while everyone else sits there and listens tot he person, I am forced to not only listen, but go out of my way to help them with everything(chores and all). They think that I would "learn my lesson" and "cure" my disability if i do it long enough. Actually it has the opposite effect, i get resentful and more "withdrawn" and less likely to help. I become frustrated at both them and the sick person. With the sick person because I am not mean, i just avoid them, the other people, i just take out my frustrations on them(not in an aggressive way)just yelling at them and blaming them on my stress because they gave me all of the work.
Now when i know things, i just have to "act" like I do not care because just the whole not being able to "show" or feel the person's problems due to my lack of feeling empathy,sympathy, and/or understanding is not enough. I would usually just not pay attention and act dumb to make it look like I do not know the situation, rather than just try and end up messing things up to where everyone gets mad at me. I know it is sad, but I can not deal with the frustration. The only way I can show anything is to write a letter or send a card, something simple.

Often the other person just needs someone to listen to them, and simply acknowledging that you are listening to what they have to say is all they need. When I don't really know what to say, I usually just say, "I'm sorry to hear that." I always think it sounds very fake, though, even though I am sorry to hear it. I'm more sorry that I can't fix the problem somehow. I'm like you, though. I'm not sure why, but I absorb other people's emotions like a sponge. I think they call it "affective empathy."

If my wife is in a bad mood, that usually puts me in a bad mood, too. I want to be able to help or offer useful suggestions to make her feel better, but most of the time I think she just wants someone to listen and doesn't want to be "talked out" of it. Though... I think this is less of an AS/NT communication issue and more of a male/female communication issue. If, however, I'm in a bad mood, she doesn't seem to absorb the feeling so much. Then again, I get the feeling I'm much harder to read than she is. If I'm in a quiet mood, for instance, I often get the, "Are you okay?" question. "Are you sure you're okay? Did I do something to upset you?" Yes... I am sure I'm okay, and no, you didn't make me upset.

This is probably one of the biggest social problems I have. There've been a few times where someone I cared about was very upset and I froze. I wanted to comfort them, but I wasn't sure what to do. Different options would run through my head: Do I hug her? Do I hold her hand? Do I put my hand on her shoulder? Do I say something? What do I say? I end up standing there feeling like an idiot.

This was the trait that made me seriously consider AS as a possible reason for the way I am when I looked at a book by an AS author at the book store and the first page of the first chapter described the same scenario.

On a side note, for anyone who's seen the trailer for the upcoming movie "Adam," there's a scene where he says, "I know you're upset but I don't know what to do." It never occurred to me to actually ask the person what they wanted me to do!

It varies. Sometimes I feel close to nothing, other times I do. And even then I usually don't know what to do. Or I do know what to do, but can't bring myself to actually do it. Like give a hug or something. One time my friend was upset and venting to me and I told him that I didn't know what to say to him about it, and he said he just needed someone to listen anyway. But for some people just listening isn't enough, and that gets frustrating.