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lostD
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03 Jul 2009, 4:13 am

My best friend told me recently that she read that AS tend to have inadequate friendships... then she gave me a link to wikipedia (not the most reliable website but they really say that sometimes AS tend to have inadequate friendships).

So I wonder what do they mean by "inadequate friendships"... I mean, since when can we consider that a friend is an adequate friend or not ? And who can decide who is an adequate friend ? It means nothing to me. I don't even choose my friend, I just "fall in friendship" like you would fall in love...

Thanks for the answers.



Michjo
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03 Jul 2009, 4:29 am

A few examples of inadequate friendships...

1). If i were to never see my friends again i wouldn't care, i don't have the capacity to care.

2). Most people on the spectrum, when a friend points out something about them, will over-react, get REALLY upset and talk about THEIR feelings. This is a one-sided relationship, because the aspie is always placing their emotions first.

3). Many aspies are not reciprical, many wait for their friends to suggest idea's, otherwise nothing will happen.

4). Aspies that do take initiative to suggest a social outing, will usually always pick something that they themselves like, they don't seem to take into consideration their friends wants or needs.

I could probably give a lot more examples, but to keep things simple, most of the problems stem from a lack of empathy, a poor theory of mind or a poor sense of self.



pschristmas
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03 Jul 2009, 4:58 am

I currently only have one person who I consider to be a friend and I haven't actually seen her in about four or five years, although I did briefly talk to her on the phone a couple of months ago. The thing is, I don't actually feel the lack and don't often get lonely enough to worry about it.

It's kind of funny -- those friendships you hear about and read about in magazines and see on television -- in the past, when I thought about them at all, I always sort of figured they would just happen some day but they never did. I even tried to make a few happen, but they don't seem to work like that, at least for me. Too much work, for one thing -- friends are very high-maintenance. It's not something I miss, though, just an "Oh, well" sort of thing. Learning more about the autism spectrum has explained a lot of things to me and I don't worry so much about being abnormal or somehow inadequate. I'm normal for me and reasonably content with it, so that's fine.

Recently, a couple of people have told me that they consider me to be a friend of theirs and I'm a bit confused about that since our relationships really aren't what I'd call friendship-type relationships. We don't confide in each other, for instance, and I don't really know much of anything about their personal lives or they about mine. It's very strange.

Regards,

Patricia



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03 Jul 2009, 5:52 am

Having people who pretend to be my friend, then dump me off like yesterdays used Red Deer Advocate (newspaper) when they feel they don't want me anymore.Some of these fake friends would spread nasty rumours about me later.
Others took advantage of me...such as when I happened to not be broke and was desparate enough for company, that i paid the bill for an outing....then when I didnt have as much money anymore..I was deemed useless and ignored.


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03 Jul 2009, 6:49 am

Michjo wrote:
3). Many aspies are not reciprical, many wait for their friends to suggest idea's, otherwise nothing will happen.


I had problems with this when I was at school and even now, which is why I always lose friends.

I know another meaning of an inadequate friendship - when people take advantage of you because you have AS. They will either use you for your car (if you have one) and use you as a personal taxi service or for your money, and get you to buy them things. They might also use you to deliver messages to other people if they don't want to do it themselves because it might be dangerous or they might have a bad relationship with the person. Anyway my point is that people might use you for anything and that's definitely inadequate, althouth someone with AS may not realize it until it's too late - I didn't.


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lostD
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03 Jul 2009, 8:00 am

Thanks for all the answers. I guess anyone could have "inadequate friends" according to what you've just say.

Brittany2907 wrote:
Michjo wrote:
3). Many aspies are not reciprical, many wait for their friends to suggest idea's, otherwise nothing will happen.


I had problems with this when I was at school and even now, which is why I always lose friends.


I currently have this problem too. I don't think people realize who I really care for. Some people believe they are my friends since we've been talking sometimes and having fun but I just don't feel that close to them... Others just don't know how much I like them...

Quote:
Recently, a couple of people have told me that they consider me to be a friend of theirs and I'm a bit confused about that since our relationships really aren't what I'd call friendship-type relationships. We don't confide in each other, for instance, and I don't really know much of anything about their personal lives or they about mine. It's very strange.

I know what you mean. Some people seem to consider almost everyone as their friend...



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03 Jul 2009, 8:33 am

Michjo wrote:
A few examples of inadequate friendships...

1). If i were to never see my friends again i wouldn't care, i don't have the capacity to care.

2). Most people on the spectrum, when a friend points out something about them, will over-react, get REALLY upset and talk about THEIR feelings. This is a one-sided relationship, because the aspie is always placing their emotions first.

3). Many aspies are not reciprical, many wait for their friends to suggest idea's, otherwise nothing will happen.

4). Aspies that do take initiative to suggest a social outing, will usually always pick something that they themselves like, they don't seem to take into consideration their friends wants or needs.

I could probably give a lot more examples, but to keep things simple, most of the problems stem from a lack of empathy, a poor theory of mind or a poor sense of self.


I can see myself in all of the above, which is making me question whether I have any business at all having friends or any other close relationships. Sure I might love and care for them, but if I just treat them this way then what's the point. They're better off without me. Sounds like a good case for being a hermit! For 1.) I do miss friends for a while if they move away, but I eventually stop caring.

Having read about AS I now question whether I can truly love or care for anyone, anyway. Maybe what I thought were my emotions are just ways to get my own needs met, like a robot that's programmed to think its a human.



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03 Jul 2009, 9:55 am

am not the most reciprical person however once I really know someone I tend to break down my walls I only really have 2 or 3 friends well 2 that is my aspie frind and my best friend forever maria who is just so accomadating and knows my problems, for example if want to talk which is like every 4 days for us we chat for 2 hours, if I can't make her house down london which I don't like london as a whole she will gladly come up mine o the coach.
Callum once uni is finished yeah I'llsee him once every three months but I'm OK with that

I tend to feel very cold when people just go away my only exception was a vey close friend who died in summer but thats all really in terms of deaths I see it as a means to an end and inevitable



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03 Jul 2009, 11:51 am

lostD wrote:
So I wonder what do they mean by "inadequate friendships"...

How about none?
I have none. No friendships.
That, to me, seems inadequate.

I think that this concept does not implicate the quality of the friendships, so much as the quantity of them. NT people seem to have a circle of friends, not just one or two, and certainly not NONE.

Then, of course, you can get into issues of depth and meaning regarding the friendships. But I guess you gotta have friends at all before you can have good ones!


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Michjo
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03 Jul 2009, 12:04 pm

I've read that people with autistm base their loneliness on the quality of their friendships and not the number of their friendships :)



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03 Jul 2009, 12:11 pm

Michjo wrote:
I've read that people with autistm base their loneliness on the quality of their friendships and not the number of their friendships :)

I suppose that's true.
I guess that any feelings of loneliness I have would reflect my personal bias towards quantity, being that I cannot count one person as a friend.

It would seem that both could be true... Either very few friendships, or very few meaningful friendships.


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