Tired of being a pushover?

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I don't understand what it is about me that prompts people to 'walk all over me'. It's as if I'm not really worthy of any consideration from them. Any object of my own can be used by them, without them even asking for permmision , and I am expected to do favours for others with no question. I don't really know what it is about myself that makes me prone to being on the receiving end of this type of treatment.

It's as if I have a sign above my head which says: "I am too weak to stand up for myself, so you have the go ahead to exploit me". It's really annoying. People can obviously see from my demeanor that I am non threatening. So they exploit me again and again.

Who else feels this way?

amen.

*raises hand*

yeah.. i feel the same when it comes to conversation - no matter what i say, people don't answer and change the topic or don't react - i also feel that i have a sign on my head - hey! i'm the psycho here, don't listen to me, i talk bullsh*t all the time..

That drives me absolutely around the bend, so to speak. What I also hate is when I "disappear". I will be discussing something with someone, and someone else will just walk in front of me and start a new conversation, like I wasn't there to begin with - no excuse me, no "sorry to interrupt" - just walk in front of me and start talking. I could be talking with the boss about a medico-legal document or something equally work related, and someone will just drop in to let the boss know that their cat has the runs or something equally inane. Ah, good, the patient or whatever that I was concerned about can always wait for *that*...

I have learned over the years if you are a kind person, people take that as weakness, or that you are "okay" with the treatment you are given. I really knew that to be true the year I threw a tantrum in the administration office of the community college I was enrolled in, when they wouldn't give me a locker. I was from out of town, and that meant I had to haul every book that I would ever need on my back, plus lunch, etc. They didn't feel I "deserved" a locker but they couldn't say why (and people with cars, and people who I knew lived *in* town had been assigned lockers - I was dropped off in the morning and didn't have an option outside of hauling around 20-30 pounds of books and supplies all day). I had a small meltdown and low and behold, a locker at the end of it because they wanted rid of me. If I had been nice, I would have had a very sore back. Its very sad when you have to act like a total @$$ to be taken seriously, sigh.

IWB, what happens when you say NO?

I get treated like this all the time, especially at my old high school, where there were a couple of real jerks. Once, I was sitting in the very back of the room, and this girl walked by, dumped her trash on my desk, and asked me to throw it out for her. I got so ticked off (bottled-up rage against being treated like that for so long) that I threw it in her face and told her to do it herself. It wasn't so bad for a while, but then I changed schools, and even though I say no a lot even today people still ask me for a whole lot.

you could google "being assertive"

NTs do that all the time, but I don't think it means that you (or I, or others) have "disappeared". That's just part of the NT-smalltalk that they can talk to one and then, when another they want to say hello to appears, they can change dialogue partner and topic in a second. (I can't do that myself, I'll get confused and / or say, wait a minute, then I come back to you).

When I say no, I get the "how dare you?" stare. Followed by how can you be so inconsiderate.


I've read many books about this, and I was advised by my psychologist to be so, but it's always met with some kind of negativity from others. It's more of a hassle to stand up for yourself than be kicked around.

In people there seems to be this spark, that force of will that no matter what you are going to get what you want. I've seen it in both Women and Men... Smart people and Dumb people... it seems to be all in the tone of voice too.

I've wondered how to do this myself... which seems to be at the crux of being a pushover. But I just don't know how to encode my speech to that effect.

What's even more upsetting is that my curious and knowledge seeking personality goes hand in hand with being a push over. I'm curious, I inherently want to know more... but by wanting to know more... I do have to admit to myself that there are things I don't know. So in everything I do and say, there is a twinkle in the back that says "I don't know." Because reality could be such that I really have no clue... But being assertive isn't about knowing... it's about wanting... demanding... it's about getting what you expect at any cost... and there is nothing in this world that could show you otherwise. You can't be that way and at the same time believe that you don't know everything, that your demands could be wrong and that you could be shown to be false. In that moment you have to believe with everything you have that you are right. I'm just not that certain about anything....

QFT ^^^

That's been the story of my life. What really gets me bothered are the dumb obnoxious people who don't really have a clue what they're talking about yet are good at selling themselves through their personality. Getting ahead is often more about being a good bullshiter than having real intelligence.

Me. It's been that way for me my entire life, and some things apparently never change. Still the same pushover, despite having left high school 10 years ago. I thought I'd left those types of people behind, but it didn't take me long to realize that I had not, and that I was probably going to be dealing with that my entire life.

i used to have this same problem, believe me once you start standing up for yourself you'll like that one alot more than being a pushover. girls get out of that mess!

Yeah, and when I stand up for myself I get accused of being mean and agressive.
It's only some people though. It's like they go around stepping on everyone's toes and when someone finally kicks them in the ankle they scream assault.
My problem is I either shut up and say nothing and get walked on, or get assertive and tell people what I think.Then I get accused of being agressive,too sensitive, insensitive,etc. etc. I think it's just their way of justifying their behaviour. I don't have any answers.

YES - some defnitely do because they can; they know there are no consequences for their actions so they somehow feel justified. But when I do defend myself I can then be hit with (some version of) "How dare you be defiant &/or defend youself? We get to do what we want anyway" regardless of basic ethics.
The bad part: Not wanting them to learn they can mistreat me - tends to be contagious too.

I was thinking about writing a topic like this. Basically because this woman, probably SOLELY because she was "TSA"(Airport speak for some low class, WAY over paid, lazy FLUNKY that can, and often will, kick you out of the airport if you even MENTION bomb or gun, or look at them "wrong" ), walked right towards me so I HAD to change MY direction, to keep us from colliding. I mean she COULD have simply wlked straight, etc... There was a LOT of available space. But that happens to me a LOT! At least 3 times in the past 2 hours!

On the road, some cars do it. One today was *******LUCKY******* that my peripheral vision was good. If it wasn't, that person would have crashed into the side of my car and I would have been OBLIGATED to get the person in trouble for reckless driving and that person would have had to pay for the car, it's loss of service(due to local rental laws), and I would have fought to get all MY costs paid for(Just a 2 hour delay would have cost me over $1000). BTW I had to ABRUPTLY slow down, and almost STOP to let that idiot go in front of me.

Sometimes I wonder if they can even see me. I mean WHAT GIVES?

BTW I am 6'1", 250pounds, so I should be EASY to spot.

Before I left, an idiot, thatt called me over 8 times WITHOUT responding, FINALLY responded. There was a LOT of noise, and she spoke with a SOFT voice and a THICK accent and tried to slowly cover things I knew. I told her to get to the point QUICKLY, because I was in a hurry. 1/2 way through the sale, she tried to trick me into paying 50% more for a 50% longer subscription. After that, she asked if I would pay 35% more for a 50% longer subscription. I told her "I am now questioning if I should subscribe AT ALL". THEN, she finally stopped! Doesn't ANYONE want my money? I mean it is HARD to get people to accept money these days. You would think she would be HAPPY to have an extra $100! That IS what she SAID she wanted! She almost pushed herselff out of it. One wrong move, and I WILL dispute it!