Do you ever ask people "what did you want to hear?"

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Luckily this doesn't happen to me very often but when it does I ask them "What did you want to hear?"


People ask you a question asking and you answer it honestly and the person gets upset because they didn't like your answer. Yesterday I was chatting and he asked me why didn't I like diaperspace and I told him the videos were boring and look bad and I saw a few of them and I am just not interested in the place and he told me I didn't need to be so negative and I asked him how was I negative. He copied and pasted my answer and then told me all he did was ask why didn't like it and I told him I did tell him why and then I asked him what did he want to hear.


It seems to work when you tell someone "What did you want to hear?" when they get upset with your response when they ask for it because they say nothing else. I think it just makes them think and realize how foolish they are being because after all they did ask for your opinion or ask you why about something and you gave them an honest answer. I have learned in this community people will ask you something and they want to hear a certain answer and if they don't get it, they get upset, so now I ask "What did you want to hear?" because I am sick of that game people play so I ask that question to see what did they want me to say.

So has anyone else tried this method and it seems to shut someone up and they drop it.

Yup...plenty of times...

I think the one that took the biscuit, though, was when someone asked me what weird traits I had, then when I told him some, mocked me nonstop.

Long before I knew I was on the spectrum I knew there was a big difference between the way I expressed dislike and the way others do. I'd say what I thought was the same thing someone else just said and get a really bad reaction. It's a direct consequence of the lack empathy thing (my empathy problem isn't that I can't see and feel what others are feeling [I actually think that's quite rare on this board at least] it's that I can't easily predict how they are going to feel when I say something I really need to think about it first).

It's easy enough to get round if you want to though just tone it down don't appear so bothered, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all works for me. 'I prefer such and such' or 'Yeah it's alright, not that into it' is what i'd say if I didn't like something.

I used to be really concerned with 'the truth' til I realised it's too subjective to be taken so seriously and I'm more interested in wether people in my life see me as a negative or positive force than wether my opinion on something incosequential is known or not.

Oh yes, & other 'no way out' questions (?)/responses from another. Exasperating since their question isn't answerable and not really even a question.

This one I LOATHE: "What would you like for me to do?" Such as if I need something (that is outside my control). My answer basically is "If I knew then I wouldn't be asking you, would I?" Just insane. A circular dialogue with no meaning.

Spokane_Girl & others - Yeah....if you don't care for something then you just do not. No need to 'explain' since it just IS. For instance, I don't really care for ice cream. I've actually had someone say "Then if you don't eat ice cream, then what do you eat?"

Well duh.....the answer "Something that's not ice cream."

Even at the post office, for example, clerk will say "How do you want to send this?" PO has a MYRIAD of ways all depending upon size of box or letter-type. So why are they asking me? I fully 'get' that it might 3 to 5 days, or whatever. No need for them to say, "Well, this probably won't go out until tomorrow, is that ok?" I'm well aware of that fact. OF COURSE it's ok - that is merely a fact of mailing. Why the need to ask if "I'm ok with it?"
Just baffling.

I do regard that which you all have described as playing mind games! What a pain.

I have dealt with this all my life, for sure. I don't lie at all well, so if I am not comfortable giving an honest (not brutal, just real) opinion, I used to simply avoid answering at all. Nowadays, I am more likely to ask "do you want your answer with or without spin?" Without spin they will get what I really think or the most likely outcome. With spin, they will get the same, but I will provide an alternative outcome (although less likely) or the points I also feel weigh against my ultimate opinion. It is a rare situation where I see it totally one way. Fortunately I know few folks who would ask me whether some item of clothing looks good on them.

I just don't feel very comfortable with people who continually seek reassurance or with people looking for a recreational argument.

I'm quite often asking people "What did you want to hear?"
My mum for example often asks me if she thinks certain items of clothing look good on her. If I tell her the truth and say that they don't (for whatever specific reason) she gets annoyed and says to me..."Why do you have to be so hateful? It was just a question".
Then I say to her..."What did you want to hear? I told you what I thought and that's what you asked me to do".

This isn't the only situation that I say that sentence in but it's the one that occurs most frequently.

It is annoying when people ask for an honest opinion and you give it to them and they say you are being negative when it wasn't what they wanted you to say.

do you want simple social affirmation or do you really want to know, or a variant I have a difficult time with lying so if you aren't prepared for the truth, don't ask me. I recently had this with a colleague who asked, should I wear this shirt? Now I know I have no fashion sense so if I ask a friend this, I mean it. No really, do I look unfashionable in this? I really want to know. Well, she looked too bright in that shirt so for ME it was a bit much. I told her personally I wouldn't wear that but it was just my personal taste. However, it was possible that a film crew may be on site so should you wear something with strong geometric patterns on TV? That one is very much no. Not my opinion, the opinion of every fashion consultant for every news program out there. She still seemed po'ed. However, she knows I am a straight shooter, so she asked for it. Literally asked for it. IMO when someone solicits your opinion then they need to deal with what they get.

I'd guess that these people expect you to say something in line with what they already think, which would be what they would consider "being supportive". The problem for me (and I assume for most of us) is that I don't consider being lied to in this way is really being "supportive". This is a big area of disconnect of expectations for me because I would consider someone lying to me to be a bad thing.

Years ago, when I was a regular working stiff in an office, I learned the ins and outs of conversation, even the crap that is called "small talk" and I got pretty good at it, although I would be exhausted at the end of the day. But now that I don't have that kind of job (except being a mom) I have lost the ability to answer those questions in the NT way. When someone asks me how I am, I find it really hard to just say "fine" if something is bugging me. I agree that what most people want is just supportive conversation. And I try to do it, but get it wrong a lot of the time. Often I end up in a long-wnded monologue, and embarrass myself.

I ask that question when I want someone to request a tune...

I usually beat them to it by asking; "You want the truth or should I lie?", or "Is that a question or a statement" when I know they want a specific answer.

Hmm, maybe I'll start asking people that when I give the wrong answers. I've got into trouble a lot in the past for not giving the correct answers when they ask me questions.