afraid of my sister/thinking of moving back in with parents.

Post Reply New Topic

Maybe I should be thankful that my sister helped me find a room in a house over at Nor Cal, considering how badly I wanted to move there before. However, I'm now thinking of moving back to my parents' house because I'm afraid of the state of my emotional well being, overall, during the time when she'll move back to northern california, which will be in August - September.
She's just too overly controlling and hypercritical.

Even though, she did try to help me out by finding this room, it seems like she assumes that I'm totally lazy or incompetent and treats me in a demeaning way. When I went up with her to northern california to check out the room, there was a heavy cloud floating over my head for a few weeks, just from being around her for a few days. She assumed that I didn't know how to do the dishes and gave me instructions on how to wash them. When we were in the house I was wearing my cell phone on my pocket, and she was all, "Don't wear your cell phone on your pocket. You look like a cop, and that might make you unpopular around here." Then when I did my laundry, I estimated a time it would take for my laundry to get dry and she was checking the laundry for me every 5 minutes so that I wouldn't waste electricity. (Not many people actually have the time to check the dryer every 5 minutes.) Then when going to the farmer's market, she wouldn't take me along unless I wore a dress and looked attractive to guys. She wants to go into my closet and tell me what I should wear and what I should throw out, even though I never asked her for fashion advice. She treats me a little better when she's around her friends, but surprisingly, some of her friends made the remark that she was snippy with me when they didn't even see the way she's like when not as many people are around us. When I was driving in the car with her she said that her friend stated that I should get a special hairstyle. She suggested that I get a haircut with her and I said that I didn't feel like it at the moment. Then she gave me an angry rant on how the reason I haven't had any boyfriends is because I dress boring and have boring hair. As usual, she acted like she knew that her opinion on the reason I have been single for so long was the only correct explanation. Also, she complained that I picked up my parents' poor posture, and unfashionable style of dressing, and she assumed that being with them for so long was hurting me. (It's true that I probably picked up the habit of slouching over from my dad, but it's not like I intentionally decide to dress like my parents. I simply just buy whatever clothes I like. Besides, my parents make suggestions to me, but they don't give me a rough time if I disagree with them.) I have the fear/impression that if she comes up north while I'm there she's going to try to coerce me on spending my money for a makeover. And if I were to refuse to follow her will my life would be hell. Sometimes she criticizes me or yells at me for no good reason at all. When we were in the house I was playing with her friends' 3 year old daughter and she made the comment, "look at the 2 small ones playing." (I am only 1 year younger than my sister.)
So, I decided to temporarily take the job I took in Nor Cal, as a substitute assistant until the summer, because I knew she'd be out of the state for this time. Now that she's going to come back soon I'm thinking of going back home because even though I could grin and bare it as a kid, now that I'm in my 20's I don't know how much longer I could tolerate being criticized about every little detail. Most of the conversations she has with me have to do with how much I need to change or improve. She only acknowledges me for making a good decision if it's the same decision she agrees with. If we have differing opinions, she automatically assumes that I'm the one who's incorrect. I sometimes get angry to the point of yelling at her, then she calls me a baby. I know that I should probably talk to her calmly about how her actions make me feel, but I don't know how much of an impact that would have because she never seems to admit to being wrong, and she never gives in to anyone. Also, when I have calmly disputed her statements to me she just ignored them. It's rare to talk about random topics with her that don't have to do with how I can make my life better.
A lot of my friends that I made in college live over in So Cal, near my parents' house. I get treated better by them and I miss my friends, so I want to move back. Also, my former boss said that there could possibley be another job opening for me(even though it would be part time). Another reason I'm thinking of moving back is that it's too expensive to live here, and if I didn't have money saved up from before I moved here, I wouldn't even afford to feed myself for a month. I'm not fully independent, anyway, now that my dad still needs to place money into my account and help me pay for some of my bills. However, the only problem is that in terms of my career, Nor cal has more job opportunities that better suit my interests. So Cal seems to have more corporate jobs that are less ideal for me. In Nor Cal, there seems to be more environmental jobs and jobs selling artwork (that are less competitive). However, So Cal does have a really great autistic community, and I heard that 40% of services in the state for autistic adults are down South. Then again, there are a couple of opportunities for dream jobs in the S.F Bay Area. There is a Berkeley insect museum. If I volunteer there, I was told that it could possibley open up job opportunities of working with entomologists that I could possibley be eligible for without a degree in the field. Also, there's a place called Creativity Explored, which allows people with all kinds of disabilities to take art classes and sell their art work at either full time or part time hours.

Man did MY sister move into your family or what?! My sister is 1 yr older than me too, we are 46 and 47 now. SHE HASN"T CHANGED!! she can't, she's a narcissist. They only see what they want to see and we are here purely for their entertainment! we need to dress so that they won't be embarrassed when we go out because in her mind everything reflects on her. If you choose to stay cut 90% of your ties with her, She won't listen because it won't make her look good, she has never and will never do wrong. Good luck, If it were me, I'd go back to southern california. I live in Indiana and my sister lives in georgia. I don't need her negative help.Keep us posted on what you decide

Why does she care if you are single or not? Do you complain about it to her? Or is she projecting her desires onto you.

She seems very unpleasant to be around. Must you always be with her when she happens to be in the area?

You should always make the excuse that you are "busy" whenever she calls to spend time with you. Don't give her any details of what you are busy with. You are just "busy."

Don't let her get you down. Ignore her insults and criticisms, don't show any reaction except, "Whatever. "

Stand your ground. If you do not want a makeover, do not get one. She is not the boss of you. You can act/dress/look like whatever you want.

If this girl is like my sister you can't just say "I'm Busy" and let it go. She will ask you why you're mad at her and then make a big deal out of your behavior, but not question her own behavior. And yes she does want you to get a makeover , because that is what she would do, therefore everyone wants one, why don't you. She truly thinks she's helping you. Don't forget that she doesn't believe you're capable of living without her help.

I don't know if my sister wants me to dress nice for the sake of not embarrassing her in front of her friends, but other than that, the way your sister thinks seems similar to the way my sister does.
Maybe I should move in with my parents so that I can just keep a safe distance from her, so that I won't get too angry around her nor feel a need to burn bridges. (My dad is upset about the way his family has been unforgiving and horrible with keeping contact with one another, and I feel bad that I didn't even tell him the truth about the main reason I want to move back when he asked.)

wow, is this like an ASD thing? get your disorder, get your controlling, narcissist sister. mine is currently in L.A. for the summer and even 3000 miles away from me she still finds ways to bother me. she emails me all the time, calls me all the time even though i've tried to be as clear as i can about the fact that i don't like having so much contact with anyone.

i'm lucky she doesn't try to tell me how to dress (any more) because mostly everything is about her. she'll call me at all hours and expect me to be ready for a 3-hour chat. she also expects me to want to know everything about her. because of how good my memory is, she'll even call me asking me where things are in her apartment and then gets pissy if i don't know.

my advice: run! i'm planning on moving out of the country next year. hopefully that will get her off my back.

Wow, I'm so sorry you have to put up with this from her.

I don't know what to advise... if it were me I'd be trying to cut ties with her, because I don't think I could cope with it. My Dad and I once had a relationship very much like that... but the difference is that even at it's worst, he was my Dad, and I could understand the fact that he never believed I'd grown up. My brother is somewhat like that with me, but he's also very fond of me, so his nagging is tempered by genuine affection. I must admit though, I rarely talk to him, as it's easier not to.

When I was your age, if I'd had a sister treat me like that, I think I'd have had a nervous breakdown. You have to realise that everything you've described is her problem. Sure, you're not like her. Why should you be? Why should you have a make over, or dress to impress? I'd be tempted to yell at her that you're not a tart and she's not your madam, so get out of your clothes closet. You know even if you got a boyfriend, she'd nag you about him?

I'm angry for you. At least my Dad and brother love me. It sounds to me like she loves only herself. Particularly offensive is that demeaning comment about "look at the two small ones play". You're not a child, and you were showing empathy that seems beyond her in entertaining the child. That's something to be praised, not disrespected.

rainbow, there are no free lunches. Help costs, and in this case your sister's controlling behavior is the price.

You have to decide if you want her help more than you want your independence from her or not, and assert yourself or not, accordingly.

This, coming from someone who was in exactly your same circumstances at your age. We're 1 year apart too.

I would suggest you make a list of the areas in which she is overstepping the boundaries you would prefer, and inform her that while you appreciate all the help she gives you, you feel capable of handling those areas on your own and will ask her for further advice on them if you need it and she would still be willing to offer it. A calm and reasonable attitude is essential. Make sure you approach her about this at a time when she appears calm and reasonable as well if you can. Have you discussed this issue with your parents?

I doubt it'd help. Sounds like the sister has made a project out of rainbow, and she sounds like an all-or-nothing controller to me. In any case, rainbow should be clear with herself about what she prefers, before having any talk, just in case things do reach the "all or nothing" point as I suspect they will. Alienating her sister before deciding that's the preferred choice is a very unwise decision.

You should tell her to stop abusing you. My sister used to be the high society narcissist, who was always telling me to be quiet with the dishes in the morning, what to wear and dismissing anything important that I had to share with the family. One day, she kept on saying, "Come on...wake dad up than!" I was scared of my dad to begin with, so I've told her to stop abusing me, and I've had the pleasure of watching her break down and cry. I'm very uneasy around young society women, because of my sister.

lol I can relate to this somewhat. I actually lived in orange co for 2 yrs and moved back in with my parents. I also lived with my sister. also lived w/her husband and family.
I avoid my sister on yhe phone.
she's not a narcissist and has a lot of love for me but can be an overbearing bi***. oh, i'm a male btw.

When I lived with her I grew to be afraid of even seeing her which did interfere a lot with my mood and other things.

there's more but won't go into it.

I got a sense that I was a bit odd so she wanted to make me "normal". that's 1 reason perhaps why a lot of asd people may have the overbearing sister. she bought $200 worth of new clothes for me. she said while laughing that it's so I don't embarrass her.

That itself didn't bother me much.
there were problems with the way I acted as well.

Well, I am an only child (thankfully!) but my husband has AS too and these sisters all sound like his older sister, only she's like 12 years older than him. His parents even complain about her being narcissistic and an alcoholic, they would even complain to me also, and they used to get mad at me all the time because of my AS traits (now we just don't see each other.) My husband cannot stand her, period, the only time he will call her is if his parents nag him to do so. He used to live with her at one time, didn't last long. I can just see her telling him how to dress, etc.

His whole family makes me want to scream! I just feel thankful we don't have to see them more often than we do. And I am lucky to live far away from my own F'ed-up family, which has its own set of impossible people.

If you start from the assumption that you can't change the way things are, you can't change the way things are. If you assume that there is some way you could use words to express your feelings that would change the behaviors of somebody, if you assume there is some action you could undertake, then it becomes possible and you just have to seek out the proper method required. If you feel that the possible method is beyond your ability to achieve, then and only then do you start looking to alternative solutions to avoid the person altogether.

Rainbowbutterfly's sister might not be aware just how much stress her behaviors are causing. She could honestly just be trying to help. She lives in a culture where that is the method by which people are trained to "help" others. They don't put together all the unhelpful pushy people that annoy them with their own actions of the same type that annoy others. Once you are able to reach them and demonstrate how they are continuing the cycle of abuse, most people want to stop being abusive. It is just a matter of figuring out how to handle things to get past the ego defense mechanism, the protective dissonance of assuming that ones own self can do no wrong.

It is often a lengthy process that goes through many iterations and repetitions. People will go through all kinds of logical fallacies to rationalize a behavior. They will go to great lengths to protect themselves from the pain of acknowledging they were in the wrong and carried out abusive actions. Sometimes it is necessary to remove ourselves from these people because they are beyond our own ability to deal with, but you have to put in the good faith effort when you can and attempt to resolve the issue. Just when you think things are beyond your ability and you are ready to give up and sever, they have an epiphany and everything starts to change. It is still likely a slow process, but slow small changes are changes, and positive changes are growth and that is all we can really ask for of anybody.

As I said, the help is intertwined with the control.

OH YA! This is my sister too. Although my sister is 3 1/2 years younger than me. She is terribly critical of me at every turn. She'll even say something horrible to me with a smile on her face, and in a polite tone, and when I stand up for myself, she turns it around and tells me how disagreeable I am and that "I" am the horrible one. My sister MUST be the same as yours. Narcissistic, self-serving, selfish and most importantly, jealous. My sister has always been jealous that I am prettier than she is and have had many more boyfriends over the years than she has. I've been married once, now have a new fiance, and she has yet to find one that will date her for any length of time, much less marry her.

And just like you, my sister changes her act when around others. Although, given enough time her 'true face' always comes out. One time at a get-together, my friend saw how she was acting. Later the friend said to me "your sister was nice, but she seemed jealous of you or something." AH-HA!! ! My parents refuse to see her bad behavior toward me and now finally, I got validation because someone else saw it.

People that constantly criticize you, find fault with you, are doing it to make themselves feel better. PERIOD It is sick and abusive. They get pleasure or gratification from demeaning others, and that is sick. If she really cared.... and i mean REALLY cared, she would BE LOVING. Snotty comments and trying to force you into doing thing you don't want to do IS NOT LOVE. Whatever she's doing is very simple FOR HERSELF AND NOT FOR YOU.

Bottom line is that you CANNOT change anyone else. PERIOD If they don't want to change, nothing can make them. You have to change the way you deal with them. Stand up for yourself! When she says something bad, tell her how her words hurt you. Tell her that the things she does HURT YOU AND NOT HELP YOU. If she won't listen, then start recording conversations. You'd be amazed at how people sound to themselves when recorded. BUT DO NOT just continue to let her hurt you without telling her so. Or if she starts talking and saying hurtful things, simply walk away. Walk out of the house if you have to. But don't subject yourself to more abuse.

The truth is that much like my own sister, she may never change. Only time will tell. But for now, if I were in your shoes, I'd move home and be with your friends that already love you. I believe that you will go on to find true happiness.