If you've learned to "fake it"...why do you?

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I see quite a bit of negatives pointed toward people who "fake it". While I can sometimes see the point behind this, I do feel that sometimes a person "fakes it" (tries to "pass") for reasons other than manipulation or some other negative.

My primary reasons for "faking it" have been:

1. In my younger years: self-protection, often physically. Being "the weirdo" resulted in my frequently being beaten by not only classmates but by my parents if they found out (as punishment for "getting in trouble in" school). Yes, I did try to explain myself and yes, I prayed every day that "Free to Be You and Me" would sink in with any of my classmates but...no go. Di'n happen.

Also during this time: to keep from being absolutely alone, if only because being seen as "a loner" made me even more of a target...if that's possible. I was tired of being hurt. I was very small for my age. I was tired of being beaten and thrown around physically. I was in pain all the time from being hit, kicked and hurt.

2. Throughout my life: to keep my feelings from being hurt. Someone jeering at or humiliating another person hurts badly.

3. As an adult: To get and keep jobs. I had a youngster dependent upon me from a very early age, and literally no parental help. (My siblings and I weren't even recalled in their wills, not even with a comment that they had loved us; nothing.) I HAD to work and make good money or my son would have starved, and that was the end of that. Also to be able to have romantic relationships. I do get romantic feelings and I do feel sexual love.

I don't feel these are extremely negative or overly manipulative reasons. Does anyone else have any reasons you "fake it"?

I don't "fake it" because it can lead to too many problems. If you want a good example of this then dig out the movie "Grease", I know that it's thirty years old but it can be used to prove a point. The John Travolta character spent a great Summer with the girl of his dreams, Sandie, then he came back to High School. He then reverted to his previous character, the cool dude in leathers, just so that he could mix in with his peers. Then it all falls apart, he meets Sandie again in the car park and he's faced with a stark and immediate choice. Should he be the cool dude or the real Danny that Sandie fell in love with?

You shouldn't fake it, ever. What you should do is gradually modify your behavior until you reach a stage where you're happy AND you can blend in with your peers. If something doesn't work then make a minor modification in your behavior (learn from your mistake) and try again.

Vanilla_Slice

I 'fake it' so I can continue to exist in the world. In order to have a place where I can 'be myself' I have to fake it in the real world enough to get and keep that place. Sometimes it is very difficult to sustain. I am currently in my third year of working at the same place and I thank goodness for finally understanding my AS condition and am able to prevent a lot of misunderstandings and poor choices that would lead me to not being retained at my current position.

I also have to fake it to drive a vehicle. I continually have to balance what I can disclose to be ABLE (i.e. not prevented from) driving and what can be known about too much stimulation can cause me to act in erattic ways. I have to fake it to pretend to my neighbors my not meeting their eyes is not because I am going to sneak into their back gardens and rip off their tomato plants but I force myself to look at the 'business triangle' in the middle of their nose bridge and their foreheads and arrange my face into an 'interested engagement' grimace while nodding and making soft grunts of 'ah, yes' and 'oh no' from time to time. (then I had to review what they said several times later, just to glean what information I could because I have no idea what their body language was saying.)

I fake it in a clothing store and force myself to speak "FIRST and Friendly" to the person that comes up to ask me if I am 'doing all right'. I let them know, briefly, if I am just browsing, or if I need a specific size or color, or where something is, (even if I know) and then I don't get trailed all over the store because I tried to avoid their approach. I fake it when I can't use the self serve check outs at the grocery. I do the 'first and friendly' technique with the cashier, ask about their opinion of the weather and then let them blather on until I am out of their queue. People like you if you let them feel good about themselves, it has very little to do with you personally, just how you leave them feeling. If you meet them again, they will be relaxed because you are considered to be 'friend' and not 'foe,' which is a very good reason to 'fake it'.

Merle

It just kinda happened for me. I didn't know I was missing something. The thought never occurred the me that I was experiencing things differently than everyone else around me. I knew they were better at social things, but I had no idea why. I've spent the majority of my life observing the social dance from a distance. I analyzed my experiences and the experiences of others I'd observed. Off that I developed a play book for how to fake normal without knowing that I was faking normal. I was just trying to get by at things that others seemed to be naturally better at without knowing I was at a disadvantage.

Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! I too simply didn't realise that other people weren't doing this until very very recently. I only knew that some/many other people didn't seem to get into such a mess so often, etc, seemed to "just manage" it!

I also thought a lot of people were "boring" anyway, ( because they didn't seem to understand/appreciate the convoluted/complex/in depth intellectual things, ( books, films, ideas, etc ), which I valued so much, but instead seemed to be find day to day routine humdrum banal down-to-earth basics quite fulfilling enough ). So whenever I failed at my "performance" I used to think, " Oh, it's just for sheep anyway, all that", and didn't think much about it.

I was so out of it on food opioids ( gluten in wheat etc, and casein in dairy ), from so early in life that physical reality permanently lacked solidity, reliability, immediacy, meaning, compared to language, ( which I would refer to like "the good book" for guidance ), and I didn't realise that for people less alienated from physical reality all these daily humdrum things were worthwhile, fascinating, satisfying, "made sense" because of physical data they were receiving and processing.

But yes, for years I copied, at great mental and emotional expense, the most "admired" behaviours that I saw, whether in real life, or film, ( which meant I behaved quite dramatically at times ! ), thinking that everybody did the same, and although I stopped copying so much, after exposure to radical feminism put me off the feminine performance stuff, over 15 years ago, I still thought that most people did that, until just two and a half years ago!

EDIT! As to why I spent so much energy on copying/faking/performing; language told me to. It said that "women" are like "this", and that "intelligent" people are like "that", and that you "succeed" if you are "attractive" and "intelligent", and that "freedom" is "desirable", and that it can be obtained by doing "this", and "that", etc etc etc. I had complete faith in language, believed that it was the "ultimate" measure/descriptor of reality. It was my god.
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Last edited by ouinon on 04 Jul 2009, 4:21 pm, edited 4 times in total.

^^ WOW! I ALWAYS knew it was self-invented. However, I did exactly the same thing: I copied behaviors. In fact, the one thing I did that I probably didn't outright know I was doing, at least in so many words, was social stories. I would in fact go over entire conversations, meetings, "parties", etc. in my head beforehand so I would know how to respond, or at least, how my latest unknowing mentor (there were quite a few) would have responded, as far as I knew and as far as my studies told me.

During a political argument with some coworker acquaintances a while back, I got so worked up that I called them "@#*&%($ sheep". They did not appreciate that.

I fake things so people don't see the real me. I don't want people to know all about me, I have a fear they'll use my truth to hurt me.

I fake it so that I can make a living and stay safe. I would much rather be myself, but that is dangerous to do in an NT world.

I faked it, when I first came to live at my present address. Despite this, I have had a few neighbors began to act oddly towards me. This is making me wonder what difference it would have made, had I just acted like my normal self in the very beginning? would the end result have been the same?

I totally get what you mean. The awful thing about it is, as you say, you're faking normal without knowing that you're faking normal. I think I'm beginning to come round to the idea of communicating with people, instead of trying to hide the fact that I can't communicate. It's not something I understand very well at the moment, but I think it's the right idea.

whatever gets you through the day and night...............
do whatever is required to make life easier.....

It's not the disorder that's gonna end me someday, but my intolerance for wrong and my inability to shut my trap.
But I'd rather die breaking apart a beat-up then having walked away from ten.

It's funny that, as long as I'm on my own, I relax. When outside, I let only the slightest hint of crazy shimmer through, so people know what they're dealing with. When with others, I just tune it to how much I (dis?) trust ém.

Dunno how, I just know I never really act NT because I can't tolerate deception. And when the day comes I tolerate deception, I will become a sociopath. Gramma, cultleader..again*Grin*

I have never faked anything on purpose. I just imitated what I saw and what I understood from it. I've always thought that if someone doesn't like me, it's their loss, since I accept them for who they are at all times.... even though THEIR behaviour seems fake to me.

I know this one guy. We don't like each other a whole lot, and I've never been quite able to figure out why. We think a lot alike, we have a very similar sense of humor etc.. however, whenever I'm dealing with him, or see him interacting with others, he seems so surface, so fake. I believe it's that fraud that hinders our friendship.

Like Merle, I've gone the friendlier route at times. At first, it's hard to put myself out there but in the long run, gains of trust on both sides are usually made. Other times, I've been told that I present as "high strung" and stressed, when I completely didn't think that was the case. Anyway, as long as I'm not with a stranger who deliberately tries to trip me up by doing some friendly teasing, the situation works out okay.

It is such a bind at times to have a place on the spectrum yet be expected by everyone else to "act normal" as the parent of a child with special needs. On the flip side, I find political advocacy on Capitol Hill to be easier than social gatherings for a shared interest. Why? Because the lobbyists hired have a job to train us what to say and when. Pretty ironic, eh?

Now that we understand that it is common for Aspies to fake it. Maybe we should put our heads together and compile a list of situations, conversations, etc that may come up and figure out how to fake it. PM me if you are interested in helping with the editorial work. Or if you just have stories, ideas etc. you can post on here.