Is this lack of empathy?

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I guess I still don't understand the comcept of empathy vs. sympathy, but I feel I responded inappropriately yesterday, could be lack of empathy.

I open the door to my room, wanting to check my e-mail and my roommate was crying. My first reaction "Sorry, I'll come back later" and I was about to leave. Then she said "no, it's okay" she keeps crying. Then I just coldly ask "Um, what's wrong?" and she said something really sad I'm not gonna repeat. Then, shocked, I was like "Can I do anything?" and she was like "No."

Then well, I really wanted to check my e-mail, so did for a while, and just left. I felt bad afterwards and didn't really enjoy the food someone bought me because I'm about to leave... but other than that :?

You responded perfectly - even with more concern that most NTs I know.

Yeah, I would guess you should have done something differently (comforted her in some way), although I do not know what-exactly.

As an NT, I think she responded well. Just as aspies don't want to be overly fawned over in uncomfortable situations, neither do NTs.

Angnix, you asked her what was wrong, and you asked if you could do anything. You made yourself available, and she declined. You truly did all you could do.

I'm not sure-- several people have said no, but I think that much of the trouble aspies have in this area is not with the objective aspects of reactions to things like this, but the subjective aspects-- facial expressions, tone of voice, body language. Your objective reactions were appropriate; only your roomate can tell for sure about the subjective reactions, and even she isn't-- ahem-- objective about it.

I think of it more as empathy vs. compassion than empathy vs. sympathy, but that may be the same question. I think empathy is more about knowing, and compassion/sympathy is more about caring. The aspie problem isn't not caring how other people feel-- it's not recognizing and/or not responding appropriately. (and, like I said, appropriate response entails correctly reading tone of voice and facial expressions, and responding with appropriate ones... it's not something we can be sure of here.. her subjective communication, or yours.)

After many long years of practice, most of us can even figure out those facial expression recognition tests-- but it takes time and effort. You look at them, put thought into them, and finally figure out, from the 4 possibilities listed, what the person is feeling. Ability to do that is not ability to look at a person in real life, be able to tell what they're feeling, and respond accordingly, with correct facial expressions of your own.

I think you did just fine. Yes, after she said 'no' when you offered help, you could've added, "Well, if you change your mind, I'll be right here checking my email for a minute and then heading out to meet with a friend, so you can reach me on my cell phone. But I hope you feel better soon." But it's really ok that you didn't.

On the subject of the difference between empathy and sympathy. Empathy is a sense of being in the other person's position and imagining their pain, while sympathy is more akin to pity, which is just feeling bad that someone feels bad.

Hope that this helps a little.
Feyhera (NT)

Once I fell on the slippery floor in the movie theater bathroom. My bum hit really hard, and one of my legs shot back behind me in an awkward position. I was in pain and just kind of sat there for a moment in shock. Not one person spoke to me or tried to help me up. I think the behavior of the people surprised me more than the fall, and I walked out of the bathroom very upset - not about my discomfort, but about the lack of care.

My point is that at times, something is better than nothing. Trying counts. I would rather have had an awkward attempt at compassion than none at all.

I have been asking myself the same question about a now-former friend.

It was someone I had previously pursued romantically, and was focused solely on her wants and needs in a potential relationship. Every time I tried to discuss my needs, and how relationships are give and take, she accused me of trying to "manipulate" or "guilt-trip" her. And she frequently changed her stories about what constituted certain wants and needs, so I didn't know what to believe, and ending up disregarding everything she said about that topic. Needless to say, she ran off with another guy and ended the friendship with me without warning (i.e. I tried to IM her and suddenly found myself blocked. etc.), when I did nothing to hurt or offend her.

Yea.. well that's what I was trying to say in the next paragraph, I guess, about some people just not caring. Usually it doesn't take empathy to know that someone who fell is in pain.. of course, maybe they wanted to pretend it didn't happen? some people get pissy when somebody notices that they fall. Maybe they'd tried to help someone else recently and gotten yelled at for their trouble. (I dunno, maybe not, and it still sucks.. just sayin'.. sometimes you try to help somebody who has fallen, and they were really hoping that everyone would pretend it didn't happen, so they snap at you..)